Once again this year, Twitter‘s been my favorite medium for jokes, puns, and short-form rants. It has its problems, certainly – like lacking a good system for dealing with harassment, and adding unasked-for features like extra characters when what people really want is an “edit” button – but I love my community there so I’m stayin’.
Here are 8 of my fave things I tweeted this year. Aww, memories.
Just reflecting on how I am a Terry’s Chocolate Orange in human form because my favorite foreplay is getting “whacked and unwrapped.” 🤔
— Kate Sloan (@Girly_Juice) January 13, 2017
This joke has everything. Chocolate. Allusions to spanking. One of my very favorite emojis. 10/10, would make again.
presented without comment pic.twitter.com/T4Yh8qtOgF
— Kate Sloan (@Girly_Juice) March 7, 2017
More times than I can count, I’ve heard friends and acquaintances say that diagrams of the internal clitoris “look like a Pokémon.” Most couldn’t specify which one they meant, but I knew it was clearly Lapras, so I made this handy shareable comparison…
When someone is fucking you with an erratic rhythm and it’s pissing you off, that’s called thrustration. You’re welcome.
— Kate Sloan (@Girly_Juice) February 10, 2017
I have two moods:
1. fuck men
2. FUCK MEN pic.twitter.com/GZpeo58fCd
— Kate Sloan (@Girly_Juice) March 11, 2017
The ethical misandry is so real.
Things you should have occasion to yell at least once in life:
“OMG, THAT’S DELICIOUS”
“I’M GONNA COME SO HARD”
“IS THAT MORGAN FREEMAN?”
— Kate Sloan (@Girly_Juice) March 16, 2017
Several people replied to say it would be ideal if you could say all three things on the same occasion. I look forward to the day when I can.
tfw you finally get laid after a long dry spell pic.twitter.com/Hxxp92FExQ
— Kate Sloan (@Girly_Juice) May 29, 2017
I tend to only play video games when I have very little going on in my life, so, y’know, this makes sense. (Also: two separate Pokémon references in one blog post?! Damn, I have outdone myself.)
“How do vanilla people have sex?” boyf just asked me. “Is it just a lot of, like, slow stuff and eye-looking?”
— Kate Sloan (@Girly_Juice) June 22, 2017
When my then-boyfriend said this, I laughed so hard and for so long that I thought I was going to die of asphyxiation. He had such genuine confusion in his eyes when he said it. I love good-hearted kinksters so much.
Who called it a refractory period and not a shafterglow
— Kate Sloan (@Girly_Juice) September 15, 2017
One more portmanteau for the road. You’re welcome.