How-To

What Does It Really Mean to Be “Good in Bed”?

Kate Sloan

Sexual self-doubt is an epidemic. As if we haven’t already had sex-related shame heaped onto us since birth, a lot of sexual discourse online lumps people into a binary of “good at sex” versus “bad at sex.” Many of us are not given clear benchmarks of what these terms even mean, which makes it even more difficult to put the worry out of one’s mind: Am I a terrible lay?

 

Technique vs. approach

If worries about being bad in bed weren’t so prevalent, my industry – sex writing – would not exist as we know it. Articles abound, online and in print, that claim they’ll teach you “techniques” that will make you into some kind of sex god. Stroke the clit in a circular motion, tap the frenulum to a steady rhythm, finger-blast the G-spot hard, press a vibrator into the perineum. This type of advice is largely well-intentioned, but I think it misses the point: Being good in bed is more about your approach than your technique.

There are exceptions, of course. Sex professionals, for instance, tend to have better technique than many laypeople (pun not intended) – so I’d expect that the beauties at the Discreet Elite VIP escort agency have better blowjob skills than your average cocksucker, and pro dom(me)s are more skilled at flogging than your average kinkster. Often these people are being sought out for their skills specifically (among other things), so it makes sense that they’d have to hone their technique.

But I think, for the average person, it’s better to have a good approach to sex (which, naturally, a lot of sex professionals also have!). By that I mean: Do you pay attention to partners’ verbal and non-verbal cues in figuring out what’s working or not working during sex? Do you ask questions or invite feedback as needed, if you’re having trouble making someone feel good? Do you co-create an environment where you both(/all) feel safe to communicate openly and honestly? Do you have good psychological tools for handling difficult feelings that may come up when someone gives you constructive sexual feedback, and can you implement those tools when you need to?

I think these things matter much more than physical technique, especially since everyone likes different things in bed. Why try to navigate new territory with an old map? I think it makes more sense to learn the skills that will enable you to create new “maps” on the fly when you need to.

 

A or B?

Okay, if there’s one sexual skill you really need (aside from ascertaining consent, duh), I think this is it. Some sex educators call it the “optometrist” approach, because – like an optometrist during an eye exam – you’re going to ask your partner, “Does this work better for you, or this?”

Try it with anything; just remember to phrase it as an “either/or” question, because those are often easiest for people to answer in the heat of the moment. “Do you want it harder or softer?” “Faster or slower?” “Deeper or shallower?”

While actual verbal feedback can be super helpful, especially with a newer partner, you can also use this technique silently in your own mind to try stuff out and discover what works best. Try licking softer, and then harder, and see which gets a bigger reaction. Thrust a little deeper, then a little shallower, and stick with whichever one seems most appreciated. This might sound simple and self-explanatory, but it’s amazing how many people get so wrapped up in their own nervousness (or pleasure) during sex that they forget to pay full attention to their partner, thereby missing crucial cues that could help them get better at fucking that particular person.

 

Compassion is king

Sex is a very, very personal thing for many of us. One’s sexuality can feel core to one’s identity – so judgments on one’s sexuality can feel like judgments on one’s very existence. Those judgments, and the feelings of shame they provoke, can stay with you for months. For years. For a lifetime, in some cases.

With that in mind, I think it’s really important to foreground compassion in all of the sex we have. That doesn’t mean you have to let people steamroll your boundaries, but it does mean you should tread carefully so as not to step on any emotional landmines. Never make critical comments about someone’s body during sex, unless they’ve explicitly asked you to do so. Never laugh maliciously at a partner during sex; strive to only laugh with them, about things you both find funny or silly. If you have to criticize someone’s technique, focus moreso on “Here’s what I prefer” than on “You’re doing it wrong,” because – as ever – they’re not actually doing it wrong, they’re just not doing it the way you like it (yet).

I strongly believe that part of being good in bed is knowing how to create a safe environment for pleasure. No one can fully lean into their pleasure in your presence if they feel it’s unsafe to do so. One way to establish that safety, and to build that trust over time, is to make compassion the baseline ethic with which you approach sex. And I don’t just mean for romantic partners, either – even casual or short-lived hookups deserve the dignity of your respect and compassion. And I’d hope it would go without saying, but incase it doesn’t: You deserve partners who treat you that way too, and it’s completely fine to keep looking until you find one.

 

I’ve only been sexually active for 16 years or so; I’m sure my views on this will change even more as I grow older, and they’ve already undergone many transformations. But at this moment in time, these are the main things that I think make someone “good in bed.” Approach is everything, in my view, because a good approach helps you find the right technique(s) for the person you’re sleeping with, and helps you make them comfortable enough that they can enjoy your technique(s). How does that old saying go? “Give a man a fuck, and you satisfy him for a day. Teach a man to fuck, and he’ll satisfy his partners for a lifetime.” Something like that.

What do you think makes someone good in bed? Sound off in the comments; I wanna know!

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

3 Tips for Newbie Femdoms

Kate Sloan

I’m certainly no expert at domination, being a mostly-submissive switch – but I’ve done more domming in the last few years than I’d done in my entire life before that, and so I’ve gotten a lot better at it.

I think being a “femdom” – loosely defined here as a dominant who is female (cis or trans) and/or femme – involves some complexity that isn’t always there for male and masc doms. For one thing, male dominance paired with female submission is the most common heterosexual view of what a D/s dynamic should be (this effect was highlighted in a recent Natalie Wynn video, where she referred to it as “default heterosexual sadomasochism”). As a result, feminine dominants can be seen as disrupting the sexual status quo – because they are! – and may struggle with shame or other difficult feelings around that, whether those judgments are internalized and self-inflicted, or based moreso on feedback you’re getting from the outside world.

Femdom dating sites can help with this to some extent, but it’s hard to unlearn deeply ingrained societal narratives. For this reason and many others, exploring your dommy side as a woman or feminine-leaning person can be intimidating – but here are some tricks I’ve learned that help.

 

1. Create your own persona

Another hurdle facing femdoms is that there’s still not as much variety as one would hope in media depictions of feminine dominance. For a long time, I thought I couldn’t possibly be a femdom, because every professional dominatrix I knew was hyper-confident (at least externally), wielded a whip or paddle with panache, and looked dynamite in black leather. I didn’t feel like I fit the mold, and I only started feeling comfortable in my dominance once I cobbled together my own femdom persona from other sources.

When you picture yourself feeling powerful, hot, and in control, what are you wearing? How are you speaking to people? How do you walk and gesture and move? These are good starting points for building a persona, which will hopefully feel like accessing a new facet of yourself, rather than like playing a character (although it may take you some practice and time to get there).

 

2. Tap into what you really, really want

Despite having had sexual desires and fantasies for as long as I can remember, it can be hard for me to actually pursue those desires. As a submissive with people-pleaser tendencies, I’ll often default to asking what the other person wants, or I’ll just give them what I think they want. While this isn’t the most empowering or satisfying way to submit to someone (IMO), it can definitely be done, even for the course of an entire relationship, and an unattuned dom might not even notice you’re doing it.

On the flipside, when you’re in a dominant role, your desires are central (or at least, they’ll usually appear to be, within the narrative of the scene). It sucks to fall into the trap of asking each other over and over, “What do you want to do?” “I don’t know, what do you want to do?” so it’s important to figure out what actually turns you on and makes you happy, and then get comfortable asking for that.

I’ll often ask my partner, before a scene, if I can take a minute to just think and feel. I’ll close my eyes and pay attention to the places in my body that are craving touch, or the fantasies that come up in my mind’s eye. Or I’ll think through some possibilities and see which one creates a visceral response in my body. (This is also incidentally how I decide what I want for dinner, lol!) The more that I practice this, the easier it gets.

I’d also recommend keeping a record of the fantasies that arise for you during masturbation, or any porn clips or erotica stories you stumble across that get you especially turned on. I always appreciate having this type of list to pull from, when I want to do a scene with my partner but am feeling uninspired.

 

3. Delegate

This one depends on your sub and what they’re into, but I’ve found it soooo helpful to delegate certain tasks to my partner which enable me to be a better domme, especially since I have energy limitations due to my fibromyalgia. These tasks include stuff like:

  • Putting together a curated list of porn clips for us to watch together before sex/a scene, so I don’t have to run the whole arousal-building process myself for both of us
  • Keeping an ongoing list, in a shared digital note, of their fantasies and wishes, etc. that I can pull from as needed
  • Handling certain household tasks for me (or making/sending me dinner), so I have more time/energy to plan scenes and build my own desire level
  • Self-monitoring their adherence to our protocols, using an app like Streaks, so that I can confirm that they’ve done the tasks I assigned them, without needing to proactively enforce all the rules myself

 

I think it’s really important, overall, to understand that dominance looks different for everyone, and so does submission. Each D/s dynamic is unique and should be customized to the individuals within it. You don’t have to hold yourself to unreasonable standards, and your partner(s) shouldn’t, either. Find your way of being dominant, little by little, through trial and error, and you’ll build up those muscles (figuratively and perhaps literally!).

Fellow femdoms of all stripes, what other tips do you wish you’d gotten when you started?

 

This post contains sponsored links. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Using a Sex Doll With a Partner is Underrated

Kate Sloan

It’s interesting, the narratives that evolve around particular sex toys. A woman who likes big realistic dildos, for instance, will often be assumed to like big dicks too, even if that’s not the case. A man who uses an anal vibrator can easily elicit comments about how he’s probably gay, even though anyone with a lick of sense knows that butts have no sexual orientation. And similarly, if you poll the public about what type of person owns a sex doll, odds are good that they’d tell you it’s single and (involuntarily?) celibate people who own them.

It’s true that sex dolls tend to be big investments – Best Real Doll has offerings ranging from $80 to $2,199 – and one could make the argument that a person is likelier to make that type of investment if they’re highly motivated by, say, horniness or loneliness or a combination thereof. But as anyone who’s ever been in a relationship can tell you, being coupled up is not an automatic or everlasting cure for horniness or loneliness!

Not to mention – and this is what I’d really like to talk about today – using a sex doll with a partner (or with multiple partners!) can be fun as hell. Let me count the ways…

 

Scenario 1: Long-distance play

Most applicably to my own life as a person in a long-distance marriage, adult sex dolls can be wonderful toys for couples who are separated by distance, whether for the long-term or the short-term.

Masturbating for each other over FaceTime or Zoom is fun, but it doesn’t necessarily help you feel like you’re there in the room with your sweetheart, because, well… if you were, you’d probably be touching them, rather than them touching themself. Watching them use a sex doll, on the other hand? *chef’s kiss*

Seeing my partner do things like go down on their sex doll, or get on top of it and fuck it, is like seeing my own sex life with them represented from a different angle. It’s also a bit like watching amateur porn the two of us have made together, except I’m not even there. It’s great! Highly recommend!

Scenario 2: Cuckolding

Cuckold kink is having a bit of a moment in the popular consciousness right now. (There’s even a whole book about the history of cuckolding, called Insatiable Wives. The more you know!)

However, even people who fetishize being cucked (or doing the cucking) may not want to actually go through with it in real life, for various reasons. Maybe they’re worried about STIs or COVID safety; maybe they work in childcare, education or politics and are concerned about being outed if they scout for a third on the apps; maybe they just prefer to be monogamous IRL despite their profoundly non-monogamous fantasies. That’s all valid, and cuck fans in those situations deserve to be able to explore their kink nonetheless!

That’s where sex dolls come in. They pose way fewer problems than a human stranger in your bed, and they also conveniently can be stored under said bed when you’re done, which… is generally inadvisable with real-life people. (Unless they’re into that, in which case, mazel tov.)

 

Scenario 3: Voyeurism, exhibitionism and/or denial

Chastity play is a part of my dynamic with my partner, and I could see it being fun to ride a sex doll in front of them while they’re locked up, as a way of teasing them with what they can’t have.

But even if denial isn’t explicitly part of your play, it can be hot to give your partner a show. They can “look but don’t touch,” like at a strip club, or they can get involved after a while if the spirit moves them. Sex-doll three-way, anyone?

 

Have you ever used a sex doll with a partner? Is it something you’d consider?

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

How to Enjoy Giving Head More

Kate Sloan

I enjoy giving head – but this was not always the case. It took a lot of practice, self-reflection, and kindness (both from my partners and from myself) for me to find the aspects of giving oral sex that resonated with me, sexually and otherwise.

With that journey in mind, I thought I’d take this opportunity to distill some of my thoughts on how to give a blowjob you might actually enjoy, as a giver. (A lot of these tips probably apply to going down on someone with a vulva too, but BJs are definitely what I have the most experience with.)

Before we begin, though, it’s worth noting: If you don’t wanna give head, you don’t have to. Period. Anyone who makes you feel otherwise is not a safe person for you to be around, or at the very least, not compatible with you if giving oral is on your “hard limits” list. It’s absolutely fine to have that limit; as with any other measure of sexual (in)compatibility, it’s all about finding a partner or partners whose tastes and preferences line up decently well with your own.

Now, let’s get to it. Here are some things you can try, if you’re not the biggest fan of giving head, but want to be.

 

1. Identify the reason(s) you dislike it, and address those if possible.

Some examples:

  • Find that it always makes you gag? Do it more shallowly, tell your partner that thrusting into your mouth is strictly off-limits, and/or use a product like the Ohnut to keep the dick from going fully into your mouth.
  • Does giving head remind you of a traumatic experience from your past? If so, therapy may be warranted, if you’re able to afford/access it. There are other, at-home interventions that can be helpful in working through trauma for some people, like journaling or using a book such as Jay Earley’s Self-Therapy, but these are riskier and less effective than getting the help of a trauma-informed mental health professional.
  • Is your partner’s personal hygiene lacking? If so, can you have a chat with them about that, and/or give them head immediately after a shower or bath?
  • Do you find cum upsetting, for any reason? If so, your partner doesn’t need to orgasm in your mouth and can give you a warning when they’re about to come so you can finish them off with your hand, and have them come on your chest or elsewhere.

 

2. Find something you can find hot about it.

There are about a zillion ways to make a blowjob kinky, so if you’ve got kinks, you can probably “kinkify” oral.

If not, you might still enjoy aspects of oral, such as your partner’s moaning, or the pride of being complimented and praised during the act. Give some thought to what would be hottest for you and ask your partner about incorporating (more of) that.

 

3. Consider flavors and barriers.

If tastes and/or textures are the main problem for you, you might want to experiment with some workarounds, such as:

  • Flavored lube
  • Flavored lube on a condom
  • Flavored condoms
  • Regular ol’ condoms

A lot of these admittedly don’t taste as candy-like as one would hope – many are more in the neighborhood of “children’s cough syrup” – but if the taste of dick and/or cum is what’s getting in the way of your enjoyment, these might be enough to shift things for you nonetheless.

Keep in mind that you shouldn’t switch to vaginal sex after using one of these products, at least not without switching to a different condom (or putting one on, if you weren’t using one before), because the sugars in flavored products can cause vaginal irritation/infections.

 

4. Add some sexy stimulation.

Arousal can make a big difference for many people. Some say it can even lessen your gag reflex. (I have definitely found this to be true.)

Get very turned on before going down, in whatever ways work best for you. You may even want some stimulation while you’re giving head, whether that’s using a vibrator, grinding against part of your partner’s body, or something else you enjoy.

 

5. Watch porn for inspiration.

But not just a narrow genre of mainstream porn. Watch various different performers giving head in various different styles.

This can be especially useful if you’ve internalized certain messaging about how, for example, giving oral is “degrading” or inherently submissive. When you see the broad range of ways people can look and act while sucking dick, you might understand better that you can create your own narratives of what giving head means and what it can look like and feel like.

 

Hope that helps! And remember: “No” is a complete sentence. And so is “I’d like to give you a handjob instead; pass the lube, please.”

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

How I Get Through the Winter with Seasonal Depression

Kate Sloan

Here in Toronto, we’ve just turned back our clocks to mark the end of Daylight Savings Time, and if you’re prone to seasonal depression like I am, you might be worried that those low moods are just around the corner (or are already here). I know I always get a little nervous when the time changes, afraid of the possibility of descending into a black cloud of depression as I have during some previous winters.

However, seasonal affective disorder (SAD) is my oldest mental health diagnosis, so I’ve had over 15 years to hone my methods of getting through the most difficult season. Here are some suggestions I have for other folks who struggle with SAD or who just find that their mood tends to dip when it’s cold and gloomy out.

 

Therapy, meds, etc. If these things help you, or if you think they might, now is a great time to make use of them, or to re-commit to them after some time away. I have a trauma therapist who I speak with every 2 weeks and I’ve been on a daily dose of Wellbutrin for a few years, and both of those things have helped my mood and energy levels immeasurably.

Supplements. Vitamin D is the obvious one, to compensate for the lower levels you might be taking in if you’re spending more time indoors. I also take iron pills because I’m anaemic and they help a lot with my energy, and in the past I’ve sometimes found that 5-HTP helped boost my mood. This is also an especially good time to get some bloodwork done so your doctor can determine whether there are other vitamins and nutrients you could use some more of.

Light therapy. One of the treatments that’s been most conclusively proven to help with seasonal depression is the use of a SAD lamp, and it’s also one of the things that’s personally helped me most, in terms of both energy and mood.

The brand I would most recommend for this is Day-Light: they made my first SAD lamp, which my parents bought me in 2006 and which lasted me for over a decade without even needing to replace the bulbs! I used to keep it on my nightstand so I could blast myself in the face with light immediately upon awaking every day, which helped a lot with the extreme morning grogginess I experience in the winter.

Eventually I upgraded to a newer model, the Day-Light Sky Bright (cute name), and I truly love it. Its body and neck are slim enough that it fits in nicely behind my computer monitor and can shine down on me while I’m working at my desk. I also have a small, travel-sized SAD lamp that I use when I’m staying at my partner’s house. Generally the recommended “dosage” is 30-60 minutes of sitting in front of the light (but not looking directly at it) every morning in the winter, but check with your doctor and read the instructions of your particular lamp to see if their recommendations differ from that.

Stay active, physically and socially. Sure, exercise helps with mood and energy, but I also mean stay socially active if you can – go out, see friends or family, attend events you’re excited about, etc. if you feel able to do so. (I know COVID safety protocols make this tricky, but do your best.) Social connection can work wonders for depression, and while it’s easy for a depressed person to fall into a vicious cycle of thinking no one wants to see you and therefore never trying to see anyone, it’s worth making an effort to stay in touch with your loved ones throughout the winter, even if just via phone calls or Zoom chats. I often find that having plans keeps me more physically active as well because I tend to walk to wherever I’m meeting up with my pal(s).

Stay warm. Related to the above point, I’ve found in some previous years that the thought of going out in the cold was so absolutely despair-generating for me that I often couldn’t even face it. What has helped me most with that problem is buying better winter gear, so that even while I’m trudging through snow on a grey day, I feel relatively cozy. Shearling-lined Bean boots, a goose-down coat and a super-warm knit beanie are all must-haves for me in the winter.

Dress bright. While I’m talking about clothes – I’ve had a loud, bright personal style since I was a kid and I think winter is an especially important time for it. I just can’t be sad (or at least, can’t be as sad) when I’m wearing a dress with a wild, colorful print on it, or blue metallic Doc Martens, or hot pink lipstick with teal eyeshadow. A nice thing about doing this is that you’ll brighten up the days of anyone who sees you, too!

Get excited about something. It’s hugely useful for me to have some kind of “project” or “obsession” that propels me through the winter. Sometimes this has been an old TV show I’ve marathon-watched in its entirety over a month or two and then started reading/writing fanfiction for. Sometimes it’s been working my way through several books by a particular great author, like Oliver Sacks or Stephen King. Sometimes it’s been embarking on a creative project like writing a book, learning to paint, or recording an album at home. Whatever you decide to focus on can be helpful because depression so often saps us of our passions, and that phenomenon can be actively fought against by seeking out new passions and committing to them.

Get your sleep schedule in order. Sleep is vital to our overall functioning, and I find this is especially true when I’m already struggling, whether mentally or physically or both. I always wear a great eye mask to block out light when I sleep, and use a white noise app to play soothing, monotonous sounds that drown out the construction noise and cat-yowling that might otherwise awaken me before I want to be awakened. Some people also find it helpful to take melatonin at night and/or to phase out caffeine.

 

Fellow SAD-sufferers, what helps you most with the bleakness of winter?