The Cream of the (Riding) Crop: Which Toys I Brought When I Moved

Helping me pack for my move at the start of September, an old and dear friend was horrified when she saw the contents of my sex toys box. “That’s way too many,” she swore. “You can definitely pare that down.”

My eyes bulged. “Have you seen my entire sex toy collection?” I asked. “This is like 20 percent of it!” She saw my point. She dropped the issue. But I still saw her judgmentally eying that box from time to time.

She was right – I was bringing too many sex toys – but, to be fair, I was also right: when you’ve been a sex toy reviewer for five and a half years, you amass a big enough collection that someone else’s “way too many” becomes your “only a few.” While heavy enough to elicit a weakling’s grunt from my mouth every time I lifted it, that box marked “sex stuff” had been filled using logic and moderation. I’d avoided redundancy. “Do you really need two wand vibes?!” my friend asked incredulously, and I rolled my eyes because of course I did: one was rechargeable while the other was plug-in, one was rumblier while the other was buzzier, one was relatively lightweight while the other was heavy and ornate. I did not make these decisions lightly!

Here, then, is more-or-less the full list of toys I carted along with me to my new apartment, leaving the rest behind in boxes and bags at my parents’ house to be collected at a much later date…

Vibrators

I’m picky when it comes to vibes. They’ve gotta be rumbly, ergonomic, shaped suitably for my clit’s preferences, and minimally annoying to charge and use.

My “starting lineup” is an array of vibes I use frequently, that are up to the task of both turning me on and getting me off. I brought them all with me: my two We-Vibe Tangos, my Magic Wand Rechargeable and Doxy Die Cast, my Eroscillator 2 Top Deluxe, my ScreamingO Vooom, my Zumio, and my Swan Wand. These all fulfill different needs I have depending on my mood: some are pinpoint and some are broad, some come out guns a-blazin’ while some have subtler speeds, some are graceless power tools while some are precise implements of pleasure. Each one is an essential part of my collection.

Next, I added some vibes I’m only sometimes in the mood for. These cravings arise infrequently, but when they do, they must be heeded. These include the Satisfyer, Mona Wave, We-Vibe Nova, Stronic Eins, and Form 2.

Finally, I threw in a few vibes from my “to review” pile, since I need to have those on hand for Work Reasons and not just Wank Reasons. And that was that for my assortment of vibrators.

Dildos

This section of my collection was even easier to pare down, because my internal spots are less mercurial than my clit. They know what they like. A dildo is either a “yes,” a “meh,” or a “dear god no.” I brought along only the essentials from the “yes” pile.

Topping my list of must-haves were the Fucking Sculptures Double Trouble, Njoy Eleven, Standard Glass S-Curve, NobEssence Seduction, and Njoy Pure Wand. (You’ll notice that most of my faves are S-shaped and all are made of firm materials. I have a type!) Next I added other dils I occasionally crave, like the Tantus Tsunami, Vixen Mustang + LeoMaverick, Jopen Comet Wand, Fucking Sculptures Pussywillow and G-Spoon, and Godemiche Ambit.

Once again, this may seem like a lot, but each toy fulfills a different purpose and mood. And to be real with you, the S-Curve is the one I’ve used most since moving. I would’ve been okay if I’d just brought that one, but, well, I’m a dildo glutton.

Butt Stuff

I’m not much of an anal-play connoisseur, so there were only a few toys I wanted in my arse-enal: the Tantus Ryder and the Njoy Pure Plugs (sizes medium, large, and 2.0). There were a couple of to-be-reviewed plugs in the pile as well: the We-Vibe Ditto and the brand-new Hole Punch Butnik.

Lube

For my water-based needs, I packed a massive bottle of Sliquid Sassy and a smaller bottle of BabeLube Natural. For silicone-based, I threw in a few sample vials of Uberlube. And to round out my mélange, I brought one of my two containers of The Butters. I rarely use lube these days except with partners, so this’ll be plenty.

Kink Toys

Ah, now here’s where the decisions got hard again! I have soooo many kink toys – particularly impact implements – and wanted to only bring the best of the best.

First and easiest to decide upon were my under-the-bed restraints and the leather cuffs I use with them. Installing these on my bed was one of the first things I did when I got to my new place. (“Aww, that’s so cute!” my new and, notably, kinky roommate retorted when she saw the cuffs dangling from my bedframe.)

The next-most important thing was a blindfold; I use these all the time in various kinky scenarios, to help with sexual anxiety, and when I’m taking naps! Mine is a basic soft pink one I got years ago from god knows where.

For all my other bondage needs, I packed my Unicorn Collaborators Double Duty cuffs (I own one pair in black and one in seafoam green), Aslan Leather collars (one in pink and one in black), Stockroom chest harness, and Oddo Leather ballgag.

Impact toys were harder to decide on; I only brought my absolute favorites. Those included my Weal & Breech purpleheart paddle, Bad Ass Designs wooden truncheon, Miss Morgane pink suede flogger, Creative Kink aluminum cane and pink torquemada, KinkMachineWorks Billiard Banger and Lexan paddle, stone crop from Leather & Latte, and wooden cutting board from a Roman cooking shop. Those are the ones I actually love and use all the time, and/or like showing off when I have people over. Vital considerations!

Miscellaneous

I initially left both my blowjob mirror and pink leather harness at home, but ended up deciding I needed them, so now they’re with me in my new place.

I brought my enema in case of butt stuff, and my clit pump because it helps with arousal and is just a cool sensation that I can’t replicate with any of my other toys.

Finally, I toted along my Liberator Jaz, which lives under my bed except when I need to use it as either a sexual positioning aid or a makeshift laptop stand for Netflix marathons in bed.

This post was written in conjunction with other bloggers who moved around the same time as me: check out Sarah’s post hereWhat toys would you bring with you if you had resolved to only take the best of the best?

Nightstand Necessities: Wednesday Addams

Happy Friday the 13th and early Halloween, my loves! Nightstand Necessities is a feature where I pick a fictional character and imagine what sex products they would own. Previously: Rosa Diaz, Chuck Bass. Content note: this post contains mentions of bloodplay, knives, bruising, and hypothetical death/murder. Also note that this post describes leaving someone in bondage for hours, which you shouldn’t do in real life because it’s a safety issue.

Wednesday Addams has been a known troublemaker ever since, as a child, she obsessively guillotined her dolls and attempted to execute her brother Pugsley in an electric chair. Now, all grown up, she’s the sadistic domme she never knew she could be until she discovered the kink scene. (Secretly, she still takes joy in decapitating dolls, and wonders what it would look like if she’d thrown that switch while Pugsley was strapped down.)

You meet her at a goth fetish club, which she finds boring because bloodplay is strictly not allowed on the premises (“Even if it’s consensual and you’re professionally trained in switchblade safety,” she whines, pouting and rolling her kohl-rimmed eyes). She’s bedecked in an elegant black dress and a black leather choker bearing the word “Mistress.” From her black PVC clutch, she produces a ballgag. “You’d look good with this in your mouth,” she deadpans, in what you don’t immediately realize is her way of flirting.

Less than an hour later, she’s throwing you onto a bed in a nearby hotel. (“I don’t want to ruin my sheets,” she explained when you looked quizzical.) She dumps out her little clutch on the bed and out tumbles a menagerie of silver-glinting implements.

The bed is pre-fitted with under-the-bed restraints. (“I have this room on retainer,” she purrs with a shrug. “It’s neater.”) After a brief consent negotiation so smooth as to seem practiced, she cuffs you and tugs the straps tight. You’re mentally comparing your current predicament to medieval torture racks – only hot – when she lifts a Wartenberg wheel from her sadistic stack of utensils. “Close your eyes,” she barks as she begins to roll it along your left arm. “It’s more fun that way.” The metal tines creep along your skin in tingly little lines. You catch yourself thinking, I’ve never felt anything like this, unsure if you mean the Wartenberg wheel or the crushy feelings growing fonder in your heart the longer you spend with this mysterious, witchy minx.

Hours later, your body is rife with scratches, bite marks, and hickeys. Your thighs are bruised from a heavy paddling you’re astonished to have begged for. And now you find yourself begging for something else: you want her to fuck you. Maybe you need it. Maybe you will actually die if she doesn’t. (Maybe she would like that.)

She quirks an eyebrow at your pathetic form on the bed. “I hardly think you’ve earned that, but okay.”

Soundlessly, she unzips her dress, which somehow has remained on and impeccable through this entire rigamarole. A cold smile crosses her face when she catches you outright staring at the way her creamy, bloodless skin peeks through her black lace lingerie. “Turn over,” she commands, and laughs wryly as you struggle against your bonds to try to obey. She unbuckles the cuffs and gives you just a few seconds to rub at the welts that have formed on your wrists before she kicks you over with her shiny leather boot. “Now.

You arrange yourself on all fours. In the carpet-dampened acoustics of the otherwise silent hotel room, you hear the telltale clicking and creaking of a lithe goth princess stepping into a leather harness. Then the soft slick squelch of lube being applied. Then… a clink? Maybe one of her sparkling rings tapping against a…?

You don’t have time to finish the thought, because suddenly something cold and wet collides with your most sensitive bits, and you squeak your surprise. As your body acclimatizes to the sensation, you realize it’s a glass dildo. And it’s huge and veiny. And it’s strapped to Wednesday. And she’s pushing it inside you.

You’re so turned on already from those hours of delicious torture that you don’t even need warm-up. The veins are tricky at first but then they’re fine – better than fine, divine – and you’re pushing back against her, breath catching. “Did I say you could move?” she warns, and stills. You drop your forehead to the cheap hotel bedspread and let all the tension melt out of your body, til you’re just her plaything. Her good little fucktoy. “There you go,” you barely hear her say as she resumes those long strokes in and out of you.

Wednesday keeps her grip firm on your hips. “You’ve been so good for me,” she murmurs. “And this is your reward.” The glass cock slides in to the hilt, then out to the tip. You groan into the pillow beneath you. “Next time I won’t be so nice.” It’s with this that the orgasm building within you coils and tips and you’re spilling, coming, yelling hard into soap-scented bedlinens, lips forming something like “Wednesday.”

Minutes later, when you’ve caught your breath, you turn to the side and see her, stately in the high-backed hotel-room armchair. She’s dragging on a black and gold cigarette in flagrant violation of hotel fire safety regulations, legs crossed at the knee, wearing nothing but her black harness and black boots.

“Come here, pet,” she says, and you kneel at her feet. She strokes your hair as you begin licking and kissing her boots. You’ve never done this before with anyone else. You’ve never wanted to. But here, beside this pale and devastating queen who smells like leather and blood oranges, there’s nothing else you’d rather do. You feel safe with her fingernails scritching along your scalp and your tongue lathing all the leather you can find.

 

This post was sponsored by the excellent folks at SheVibe! Go shop their wonderful selection of sex toys, lingerie, kink gear, and more. As always, all writing and opinions are my own. All the photos in this post were taken by my friend Cadence, who is magnificent.

Nightstand Necessities: Chuck Bass

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Chuck Bass, of the long-gone masterful TV drama Gossip Girl, is an ethical mess of a character. He’s a rapist, for one thing, and arguably emotionally abusive. He’s a cutthroat businessman who sometimes makes cruel decisions to keep his bottom line afloat, he’s rude to his parents and step-parents, and he usually doesn’t even treat his closest friends with consideration or love.

None of this is excusable. But sexual fantasy exists beyond the plane of ethics. So, admittedly, Chuck Bass is one of my favorite fictional characters to fantasize about, read fanfic about, and make sexual speculations about. Here are some of my headcanons for what’s lurking in Chuck’s sex toy collection…

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90bacba99cc7382090344fd25458c19bLike Christian Grey, Chuck Bass has a “playroom,” though he would never be so churlish as to call it that: it’s his boudoir. It’s kitted out with a Liberator Esse chaise, which he uses in a wide variety of imaginative ways. However, despite his Grey-esque proclivities, he thinks Fifty Shades of Grey is pathetic trash, an opiate of the suburban kink-curious masses. The day he catches you reading it is the day you discover what it feels like to get repeatedly and aggressively spanked with a trade paperback.

He keeps an Njoy Eleven displayed elegantly on a sideboard in his bedroom, atop a charcoal-grey velvet Throe. When you’ve been very, very good, he has you fetch both for him, and he makes you squirt with deft, almost businesslike precision. Afterwards, he leaves both items outside his bedroom door for the maid to wash. She does this quickly and without asking questions.

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6fb3e739d60d97cedb668f5e9cb52b3dHe’s obsessed with gold-plated bedroom accoutrements, because he’s always got scads of cash burning a hole in his silk-lined pockets. He keeps a gold Eroscillator near the bed for use on beautiful visitors. Occasionally he mentions an interest in forced orgasm play – sometimes it’s a threat, sometimes a promise. One day he actually follows through, blindfolding you, then tying you to a rococo chair and the Eroscillator to you with black silk rope. He turns it to the top setting and sits back in his leather recliner with his fingers steepled, watching with quiet mirth as you squirm and scream.

He owns a gold-plated Lelo Earl prostate massager (he would never be so crass as to call it a “butt plug”). It was a celebratory gift he bought for himself when an important merger went through. You’ve come to know that when he wears the accompanying gold cufflinks out to dinner with you, it means he’s feeling libidinous. But he never lets you fuck him. You never dare to ask.

Travel Essentials For Sex-Savvy Babes

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Darlings, at the time that this post goes up, I will be zooming my way to Europe. My mum and I are spending two weeks there; it’s my first-ever trip across the ocean, and our first mother-daughter journey in a long time. The excitement is palpable!

As per always, I have fretted far too much about the contents of my suitcase. The anxious part of my brain thinks if I can perfect all the plannable details of my trip, that the rest of it will go smoothly as a matter of course. While it’s silly to think we can ever get anything perfect, packing for a trip is still a fun opportunity to stock up on travel essentials. Here are some of my top picks, for sex-nerdy babes comme moi who hope to have a bon voyage!

Dr. Bronner’s. This liquid soap is a cult classic for a reason. Made of primarily natural ingredients and gentle on the skin, it can be used to wash your face, genitals (the outside parts only, please), and sex toys, among other things. I bring the citrus-scented version with me on every trip, in lieu of separately bringing the face wash, vulva cleanser, and body wash I’d use at home. It’s an excellent multi-tasker; check out the company’s FAQ for a list of more possible uses.

Travel-friendly lube. A solid (and therefore mess-free) oil-based lube like Southern Butter is a super travel-friendly option. It’s a fantastic lube, but it can do other things too: my friend Caitlin says they use it as a moisturizer, lip balm, makeup remover, and hairstyling product. When suitcase space is at a premium, multi-use products are highly valuable. Southern Butter can’t be used with latex condoms, gloves, dental dams or finger cots, however, because oil breaks down latex – so if your away-from-home sexploits will involve barriers, go with samples of water-based lubes instead, like those in the Sliquid Lube Cube.

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A sex toy case. House of Plume sent me some of their sleek storage solutions, and I’m smitten. The Mini Moi sex toy storage case is my favorite. It’s a little zip-around case with elastic straps for (optionally) holding toys in place, a mesh pocket for condoms and other small items, and an antibacterial fabric to discourage germs. It’s too small for, say, a Hitachi or a Doxy, but it can fit an admirable amount of stuff: I once crammed my Double Trouble, Tango, Aslan cuffs, and several condoms into it for a sex date, and had no problem zipping it up. It even has a cute little handle!

A USB-rechargeable vibrator. These are brilliant for travel, because you don’t have to worry about bringing a separate adapter to plug your vibe in; you can just plug it into your computer. My favorites are the We-Vibe Tango and Lelo Mia 2. For travel, I’d lean toward the Mia, because it has a locking function so your vibe won’t come alive in your bag.

img_4319A bandana. Consult the hanky code and choose color(s) accordingly. Most people aren’t familiar with the code, so a hanky might not be all that useful in a flagging capacity (depending on where you’re traveling), but it’s still a good thing to have on hand. You can tie it to your suitcase to make it more recognizable on the luggage carousel, tie it around your head to hide messy/dirty hair, wear it knotted around your neck to ward off sunburn, or even fashion it into an impromptu bondage device. It’s a versatile item!

A hard condom case. Condoms are apt to get crushed if they’re just free-floatin’ around in your purse or your pocket, and crushed condoms do not make for relaxed, happy, safe sex. Protect your condoms as thoroughly as you can!

Comfortable underwear. Travel could make anyone grumpy – long lines, flight delays, bureaucratic processes, bah humbug! – but you’re apt to get especially grumpy if your junk is uncomfortable. Choose underwear that you know won’t chafe, slide around, dig in, or ride up. Ideally it should also be cute enough that if you were to meet a good-lookin’ stranger and abscond back to their place for naked fun, you would feel maximally adorable.

img_4322A sleeping mask. Not only are sleeping masks lovely for helping you snooze on planes and buses, but they can also be appropriated as blindfolds in the bedroom. (You could also use the aforementioned bandana for this, if the fabric is thick enough to keep light from getting through.)

Essential oils. As my aromatherapist friend reminds me, scents can have a huge effect on our state of mind and overall subjective well-being. If you think it would help, have an aromatherapist make you a blend, or make one yourself. Choose oils you love the scent of. For travel, I especially love lavender and peppermint: lavender is calming, so it helps me expunge the travel anxiety from my body and maybe get some sleep on the plane, while peppermint can help with motion sickness and the lethargy of jet lag. So yummy!

What are your must-haves when traveling?

Nightstand Necessities: Rosa Diaz

BROOKLYN NINE-NINE -- "Operation Broken Feather" Episode 116 -- Pictured: Stephanie Beatriz as Rosa Diaz -- (Photo by: Eddy Chen/NBC/NBCU Photo Bank via Getty Images)
BROOKLYN NINE-NINE — “Operation Broken Feather” Episode 116 — Pictured: Stephanie Beatriz as Rosa Diaz — (Photo by: Eddy Chen/NBC/NBCU Photo Bank via Getty Images)

Y’all know how much I love Brooklyn Nine-Nine, FOX’s goofy, racially diverse, and arguably quite feminist cop comedy. I unreservedly adore every single character on this damn show, but I must admit I have a favorite: Rosa Diaz. She’s a mystery, inside an enigma, wrapped in black leather.

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There are times when I doubt my sexual identity. I date and fuck men so predominantly that sometimes I wonder if my queer days are behind me. But then I watch Stephanie Beatriz dominate the screen as Rosa Diaz, and I think: Nope. Definitely still queer.

Nightstand Necessities is a new feature I’m launching here at Girly Juice, all about what I imagine is hiding in my favorite fictional characters’ bedside tables (or purses or pockets or sex toy chests, as the case may be). I could think of no better way to kick off this series than by writing about Rosa. My headcanons for her are plentiful and searing hot. Let’s get into it…

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Rosa definitely straps on. (A fanfic I wrote says so, so it must be true.) Her whole aesthetic is based around black leather, and of course that’s true of her boudoir accoutrements as well. She rocks a black Aslan Leather Jaguar harness, worn in to buttery perfection. You’ve come to associate the sound of metal buckles sliding against leather straps with the imminent hope of getting fucked, and the smell of leather reminds you of being face-down and throat-deep on her silicone cock. Naturally, this Pavlovian conditioning enables her to turn you on in public any time she wants, by getting close to you in one of her many leather jackets, zipping it tight, idly fondling the chrome hardware. She knows exactly what she’s doing, but when you call her out on it, she just sneers, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Her sharp-tongued bossiness extends to the bedroom. She calls you her dirty slut, her fucktoy, hers. She spanks you with her bare hands, leaving stingy welts from the wallops. She thinks impact implements are for wimps who don’t know how to hit – but she’ll occasionally whip out her hardcover copy of Howl and leave book-shaped bruises on your ass. You know she’s feeling especially mean when she slips her leather vampire gloves on and says, “Bend over. Now.” If you get too bratty, she puts a black glass ballgag in your mouth until she’s done with you – but she always checks in, softly muttering “Is that okay?” and waiting for your nod before she pushes you back down onto the bed.

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She bought you a Crave leather cuff bracelet and likes for you to always wear it when you’re going to be seeing her. (She’d like for you to wear it all the time – as a symbol of her owning you – but she hasn’t quite felt brave enough to have that conversation with you yet. One of her core beliefs is that emotions are sappy and dumb, so she’s not sure how to parse the imperious affection she feels for you.) The bracelet can be converted into bondage cuffs at a moment’s notice. She’s bought you beautiful jewelry, books, and other treasures, but the leather cuff is your favorite present she’s given you – because you know what it means, even if she doesn’t feel ready to tell you yet.

BROOKLYN NINE-NINE: Stephanie Beatriz. ©2014 Fox Broadcasting Co. CR: Scott Schafer/FOX
BROOKLYN NINE-NINE: Stephanie Beatriz. ©2014 Fox Broadcasting Co. CR: Scott Schafer/FOX

In bed, she’s normally stone, preferring to direct her energies onto your body rather than lie back and receive. But on the rare nights when she’s achy and exhausted from a long day at the precinct, she lets you use her favorite toys on her. You smear Sliquid Silver lube all over her red Fucking Sculptures Corkscrew dildo and slowly slide it into her, so careful and kind. She holds her black Doxy Die Cast to her clit with one hand, and with the other, strokes your hair and arms and face with a tenderness you rarely see in her. She looks so beautiful with her black curls fanned out against the pillow. “Faster,” she barks. “Harder.” You do your best to angle the Corkscrew against her G-spot, and she grunts the way she does when she’s tackling a perp in an alley. If you fuck her just right, hard and quick for as long as she needs, she comes with a resonant roar and squirts triumphantly on your hands, your arms, your face.

She watches as you slip the dildo out of her and into your mouth. You so rarely get to taste her; it’s a treat. The warmth in her face is rare, too, you reflect as she pets your hair and purrs, “You were so good for me, baby.”