Nightstand Necessities: Chuck Bass

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Chuck Bass, of the long-gone masterful TV drama Gossip Girl, is an ethical mess of a character. He’s a rapist, for one thing, and arguably emotionally abusive. He’s a cutthroat businessman who sometimes makes cruel decisions to keep his bottom line afloat, he’s rude to his parents and step-parents, and he usually doesn’t even treat his closest friends with consideration or love.

None of this is excusable. But sexual fantasy exists beyond the plane of ethics. So, admittedly, Chuck Bass is one of my favorite fictional characters to fantasize about, read fanfic about, and make sexual speculations about. Here are some of my headcanons for what’s lurking in Chuck’s sex toy collection…

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90bacba99cc7382090344fd25458c19bLike Christian Grey, Chuck Bass has a “playroom,” though he would never be so churlish as to call it that: it’s his boudoir. It’s kitted out with a Liberator Esse chaise, which he uses in a wide variety of imaginative ways. However, despite his Grey-esque proclivities, he thinks Fifty Shades of Grey is pathetic trash, an opiate of the suburban kink-curious masses. The day he catches you reading it is the day you discover what it feels like to get repeatedly and aggressively spanked with a trade paperback.

He keeps an Njoy Eleven displayed elegantly on a sideboard in his bedroom, atop a charcoal-grey velvet Throe. When you’ve been very, very good, he has you fetch both for him, and he makes you squirt with deft, almost businesslike precision. Afterwards, he leaves both items outside his bedroom door for the maid to wash. She does this quickly and without asking questions.

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6fb3e739d60d97cedb668f5e9cb52b3dHe’s obsessed with gold-plated bedroom accoutrements, because he’s always got scads of cash burning a hole in his silk-lined pockets. He keeps a gold Eroscillator near the bed for use on beautiful visitors. Occasionally he mentions an interest in forced orgasm play – sometimes it’s a threat, sometimes a promise. One day he actually follows through, blindfolding you, then tying you to a rococo chair and the Eroscillator to you with black silk rope. He turns it to the top setting and sits back in his leather recliner with his fingers steepled, watching with quiet mirth as you squirm and scream.

He owns a gold-plated Lelo Earl prostate massager (he would never be so crass as to call it a “butt plug”). It was a celebratory gift he bought for himself when an important merger went through. You’ve come to know that when he wears the accompanying gold cufflinks out to dinner with you, it means he’s feeling libidinous. But he never lets you fuck him. You never dare to ask.

Travel Essentials For Sex-Savvy Babes

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Darlings, at the time that this post goes up, I will be zooming my way to Europe. My mum and I are spending two weeks there; it’s my first-ever trip across the ocean, and our first mother-daughter journey in a long time. The excitement is palpable!

As per always, I have fretted far too much about the contents of my suitcase. The anxious part of my brain thinks if I can perfect all the plannable details of my trip, that the rest of it will go smoothly as a matter of course. While it’s silly to think we can ever get anything perfect, packing for a trip is still a fun opportunity to stock up on travel essentials. Here are some of my top picks, for sex-nerdy babes comme moi who hope to have a bon voyage!

Dr. Bronner’s. This liquid soap is a cult classic for a reason. Made of primarily natural ingredients and gentle on the skin, it can be used to wash your face, genitals (the outside parts only, please), and sex toys, among other things. I bring the citrus-scented version with me on every trip, in lieu of separately bringing the face wash, vulva cleanser, and body wash I’d use at home. It’s an excellent multi-tasker; check out the company’s FAQ for a list of more possible uses.

Travel-friendly lube. A solid (and therefore mess-free) oil-based lube like Southern Butter is a super travel-friendly option. It’s a fantastic lube, but it can do other things too: my friend Caitlin says they use it as a moisturizer, lip balm, makeup remover, and hairstyling product. When suitcase space is at a premium, multi-use products are highly valuable. Southern Butter can’t be used with latex condoms, gloves, dental dams or finger cots, however, because oil breaks down latex – so if your away-from-home sexploits will involve barriers, go with samples of water-based lubes instead, like those in the Sliquid Lube Cube.

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A sex toy case. House of Plume sent me some of their sleek storage solutions, and I’m smitten. The Mini Moi sex toy storage case is my favorite. It’s a little zip-around case with elastic straps for (optionally) holding toys in place, a mesh pocket for condoms and other small items, and an antibacterial fabric to discourage germs. It’s too small for, say, a Hitachi or a Doxy, but it can fit an admirable amount of stuff: I once crammed my Double Trouble, Tango, Aslan cuffs, and several condoms into it for a sex date, and had no problem zipping it up. It even has a cute little handle!

A USB-rechargeable vibrator. These are brilliant for travel, because you don’t have to worry about bringing a separate adapter to plug your vibe in; you can just plug it into your computer. My favorites are the We-Vibe Tango and Lelo Mia 2. For travel, I’d lean toward the Mia, because it has a locking function so your vibe won’t come alive in your bag.

img_4319A bandana. Consult the hanky code and choose color(s) accordingly. Most people aren’t familiar with the code, so a hanky might not be all that useful in a flagging capacity (depending on where you’re traveling), but it’s still a good thing to have on hand. You can tie it to your suitcase to make it more recognizable on the luggage carousel, tie it around your head to hide messy/dirty hair, wear it knotted around your neck to ward off sunburn, or even fashion it into an impromptu bondage device. It’s a versatile item!

A hard condom case. Condoms are apt to get crushed if they’re just free-floatin’ around in your purse or your pocket, and crushed condoms do not make for relaxed, happy, safe sex. Protect your condoms as thoroughly as you can!

Comfortable underwear. Travel could make anyone grumpy – long lines, flight delays, bureaucratic processes, bah humbug! – but you’re apt to get especially grumpy if your junk is uncomfortable. Choose underwear that you know won’t chafe, slide around, dig in, or ride up. Ideally it should also be cute enough that if you were to meet a good-lookin’ stranger and abscond back to their place for naked fun, you would feel maximally adorable.

img_4322A sleeping mask. Not only are sleeping masks lovely for helping you snooze on planes and buses, but they can also be appropriated as blindfolds in the bedroom. (You could also use the aforementioned bandana for this, if the fabric is thick enough to keep light from getting through.)

Essential oils. As my aromatherapist friend reminds me, scents can have a huge effect on our state of mind and overall subjective well-being. If you think it would help, have an aromatherapist make you a blend, or make one yourself. Choose oils you love the scent of. For travel, I especially love lavender and peppermint: lavender is calming, so it helps me expunge the travel anxiety from my body and maybe get some sleep on the plane, while peppermint can help with motion sickness and the lethargy of jet lag. So yummy!

What are your must-haves when traveling?

Nightstand Necessities: Rosa Diaz

BROOKLYN NINE-NINE -- "Operation Broken Feather" Episode 116 -- Pictured: Stephanie Beatriz as Rosa Diaz -- (Photo by: Eddy Chen/NBC/NBCU Photo Bank via Getty Images)
BROOKLYN NINE-NINE — “Operation Broken Feather” Episode 116 — Pictured: Stephanie Beatriz as Rosa Diaz — (Photo by: Eddy Chen/NBC/NBCU Photo Bank via Getty Images)

Y’all know how much I love Brooklyn Nine-Nine, FOX’s goofy, racially diverse, and arguably quite feminist cop comedy. I unreservedly adore every single character on this damn show, but I must admit I have a favorite: Rosa Diaz. She’s a mystery, inside an enigma, wrapped in black leather.

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There are times when I doubt my sexual identity. I date and fuck men so predominantly that sometimes I wonder if my queer days are behind me. But then I watch Stephanie Beatriz dominate the screen as Rosa Diaz, and I think: Nope. Definitely still queer.

Nightstand Necessities is a new feature I’m launching here at Girly Juice, all about what I imagine is hiding in my favorite fictional characters’ bedside tables (or purses or pockets or sex toy chests, as the case may be). I could think of no better way to kick off this series than by writing about Rosa. My headcanons for her are plentiful and searing hot. Let’s get into it…

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Rosa definitely straps on. (A fanfic I wrote says so, so it must be true.) Her whole aesthetic is based around black leather, and of course that’s true of her boudoir accoutrements as well. She rocks a black Aslan Leather Jaguar harness, worn in to buttery perfection. You’ve come to associate the sound of metal buckles sliding against leather straps with the imminent hope of getting fucked, and the smell of leather reminds you of being face-down and throat-deep on her silicone cock. Naturally, this Pavlovian conditioning enables her to turn you on in public any time she wants, by getting close to you in one of her many leather jackets, zipping it tight, idly fondling the chrome hardware. She knows exactly what she’s doing, but when you call her out on it, she just sneers, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Her sharp-tongued bossiness extends to the bedroom. She calls you her dirty slut, her fucktoy, hers. She spanks you with her bare hands, leaving stingy welts from the wallops. She thinks impact implements are for wimps who don’t know how to hit – but she’ll occasionally whip out her hardcover copy of Howl and leave book-shaped bruises on your ass. You know she’s feeling especially mean when she slips her leather vampire gloves on and says, “Bend over. Now.” If you get too bratty, she puts a black glass ballgag in your mouth until she’s done with you – but she always checks in, softly muttering “Is that okay?” and waiting for your nod before she pushes you back down onto the bed.

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She bought you a Crave leather cuff bracelet and likes for you to always wear it when you’re going to be seeing her. (She’d like for you to wear it all the time – as a symbol of her owning you – but she hasn’t quite felt brave enough to have that conversation with you yet. One of her core beliefs is that emotions are sappy and dumb, so she’s not sure how to parse the imperious affection she feels for you.) The bracelet can be converted into bondage cuffs at a moment’s notice. She’s bought you beautiful jewelry, books, and other treasures, but the leather cuff is your favorite present she’s given you – because you know what it means, even if she doesn’t feel ready to tell you yet.

BROOKLYN NINE-NINE: Stephanie Beatriz. ©2014 Fox Broadcasting Co. CR: Scott Schafer/FOX
BROOKLYN NINE-NINE: Stephanie Beatriz. ©2014 Fox Broadcasting Co. CR: Scott Schafer/FOX

In bed, she’s normally stone, preferring to direct her energies onto your body rather than lie back and receive. But on the rare nights when she’s achy and exhausted from a long day at the precinct, she lets you use her favorite toys on her. You smear Sliquid Silver lube all over her red Fucking Sculptures Corkscrew dildo and slowly slide it into her, so careful and kind. She holds her black Doxy Die Cast to her clit with one hand, and with the other, strokes your hair and arms and face with a tenderness you rarely see in her. She looks so beautiful with her black curls fanned out against the pillow. “Faster,” she barks. “Harder.” You do your best to angle the Corkscrew against her G-spot, and she grunts the way she does when she’s tackling a perp in an alley. If you fuck her just right, hard and quick for as long as she needs, she comes with a resonant roar and squirts triumphantly on your hands, your arms, your face.

She watches as you slip the dildo out of her and into your mouth. You so rarely get to taste her; it’s a treat. The warmth in her face is rare, too, you reflect as she pets your hair and purrs, “You were so good for me, baby.”

3 Cute Sex Toys For My Inner “Little”

My sexuality has taken a strange turn. And it’s fantastic.

It all started in a university class late last year. While listening to a hot lawyer lecture about freedom of expression and the Information Act, I found my mind drifting. “You’ve been a very bad girl,” said lawyer-dude in my transient fantasy, before tossing me over his lap, lifting my skirt and giving me a stern spanking.

When my mind finally snapped back to reality, I wondered, What the hell was that? Spanking had always been a mild interest of mine, but never in those fantasies had I regressed in age or craved a scolding. This handsome suited gentleman had awakened a long-dormant sexual persona in me: the bratty little girl who’s cruisin’ for a (consensual) bruisin’.

The age-play episode of Why Are People Into That?! just fanned the flames of my curiosity. And when I realized I had always felt sexiest in pigtails and schoolgirl skirts, everything made even more sense.

 

One of the ways you can explore “little space” to see if it’s right for you is by incorporating it into your masturbation. That way, you can experience that mindset before deciding whether to share it with a partner. And one of the most fun ways to do that, obviously, is with toys.

Here, then, are three products from OohSexToys.com.au that make my inner little girl want to cross her legs tightly and wriggle around in her chair…

 

If you’re gonna make-believe you’re a bunny rabbit, you might as well do it with a sweet-ass butt plug. This one comes in either silver- or gold-tone stainless steel, and the (faux) fur tail looks delightfully soft and sensual. Finish off the look with some bunny ears and a spot of pink face-paint on your nose, and you’ll be all set for a little-girl-pretending-to-be-a-rabbit scene. (A roleplay inside a roleplay? Is this Sexception?!)

 

Not to get too gender-essentialist on you, but hot pink is traditionally the color for little girls. Or at least, wearing hot pink makes me feel pretty damn little, in a very sweet way. Luckily, one of my favorite vibrators of all time, the We-Vibe Tango, comes in this saucy hue. Tie your hair into pigtails with some matching pink ribbon, pull up your magenta nightgown and go to town on yourself, little one.

 

Little girls like pretty things, and this glass dildo is basically a stained-glass work of art you can fuck yourself with. Its 1.3″ diameter also makes it a believable choice if you’re roleplaying as someone tiny: I love massive toys as much as the next size queen but I think my inner little might be put off by them.

 

Have you ever tried age-play, by yourself or with a partner? Does it creep you out or turn you on (or both)?

 

This post was sponsored, but as always, all writing and opinions are my own!

WIshlist: January 2014

My sex toy collection is well above 100 toys now, and there’s still stuff I want. Folks, the obsession is real. Here are some toys I’m lusting after at the moment…

1. Limited-edition crystallized BodyWand – I have my doubts that the rechargeable BodyWands could be as strong/good as my electric one, but this blinged-out wand massager is cute and quirky and that makes me want to overlook its potential problems in other areas. Who doesn’t want a sparkly vibrator?!

2. Eroscillator 2 Top Deluxe – My Eroscillator 2 Plus is still my all-time favorite sex toy, almost 2 years after I first reviewed it. If it ever breaks, or if I ever mysteriously come across an extra $200 that I have no other use for (ha!), you can bet I’ll snap up the more powerful version, the Top Deluxe. The original Eroscillator leaves nothing to be desired in terms of power, if you ask me (or my clit), but as a diehard Eroscillator fan, I always want more, more, more!

3. Jopen Comet II – The original Comet was a shockingly intense (non-vibrating) G-spot toy, and now Jopen’s released a sequel that vibrates, for those who like a little rumbling alongside their knee-weakening G-spot stimulation. I figure, even if I don’t like the vibrations (which I probably will), it wouldn’t hurt to have a spare Comet Wand around.

4. Liberator Throe – I can imagine few things more luxurious than owning a blanket specifically for sex. While I don’t squirt (yet?), I still think it would be wonderful to have something soft and absorbent under me during sex to catch any errant lube, sexual fluids, or menstrual blood. My bed has enough stains as is, thank you very much. (Is that TMI? …Too bad, this is a sex blog!)

5. Vibratex Mystic Wand – How do I not have this already?! Tons of people rave about it. Betty Dodson even provides each of her Bodysex workshop participants with one of these for their “erotic recess.” Reviews seem to indicate that it’s one of the few Hitachi knockoffs that doesn’t suck. I need one!

What’s on your sex toy wishlist?