Dear Whiny Single People on Valentine’s Day:

I get it. You think your life is SO TRAGIC because Valentine’s Day has come around yet again, and yet again you have no one to spend it with.

You’re posting every hour on your social media outlets to announce that you are “forever alone” and therefore miserable. Every person on your friends list – both your social media one and your real-life one – knows the exact contours of your melancholia. They might even know the qualities you would consider mandatory in a potential partner (“smart, funny, kind, and looks like Benedict Cumberbatch”).

Dude, shut up. I don’t want to hear about how sad your life is because you’re SINGLE. That is not a criteria for having a sad life!

Here are some examples of things that would qualify you to claim your life is hard: the recent death of a loved one, poverty, chronic unemployment, a disfiguring accident.

Being temporarily unattached does not fall into this category. Sorry. Move on to your next excuse for misery, please.

Listen – I was like you once. In high school, I spent my first few Valentine’s Days curled up with my cat, gorging on cinnamon hearts and scribbling in my journal about this “stupid fucking Hallmark holiday” and how none of the boys or girls I liked would give me the time of day – all the while, never realizing the horrible irony that the reason they didn’t notice me was that I was a walking mass of depression and snide comments.

It was when I was about 16 that I realized it didn’t have to be this way. Valentine’s Day is just a day on the calendar – and much like Halloween or St. Patrick’s Day, it can be a fantastic excuse to put on a colorful themed outfit, go out, and do something fun.

If you’re single today, infuse some love-and-sex energy into your day. Flaunt your favorite feature to random passersby on the street. Drop bald-faced hints around the person you have a crush on (even if, like me at age 16, that person is one of your teachers). Crank up your favorite love songs on the stereo and dance your ass off. Tell your loved ones how you feel about them. Write mushy letters and postcards. Make a collage of celebrities you can see yourself dating.

And, as if I even need to tell the readers of this blog: MASTURBATE! One of the great things about living in this century is that it’s socially acceptable for you to be responsible for your own orgasms. Hop to it!

What’s your favorite fun way to spend Valentine’s Day, single or otherwise?