I bet you can tell, dear readers, that sometimes when I write posts that are ostensibly for you, they are actually for me. “Teach what you need to learn,” as the saying goes.
My sexual fantasy life has been seriously lacklustre as of late. I don’t think of myself as a frequent fantasizer, so I wouldn’t have guessed that this would have such an effect on me, but I’m finding that my orgasms are harder to achieve and that I’ll get 30 seconds into a masturbation session before thinking, “This isn’t that fun. Do I really want to do this?” This happens because my noggin’s devoid of sexy thoughts and images, so I don’t feel sexy.
Aside from general sexual ruts, another good time to repopulate your fantasy world is when you’ve recently gone through the break-up of a sexual relationship – whether that relationship was romantic in nature or just a fuck-buddy type of situation. When you’ve been fantasizing about the same person for ages and then suddenly find you can’t think about that person without wanting to burst into tears, you may find it difficult to get into a sexy headspace.
Well, here I come to save you from your orgasmless misery. Here are my best tips on how to revitalize your sexual fantasies when they’re lacking or in need of a serious overhaul.
1. Watch porn.
If you’ve already been trying to do this and it hasn’t been working as well as you’d like, I suggest trying a type of porn you don’t usually go for. Maybe something plot-heavy and romantic, or something featuring a different configuration of bodies/genitals than you’ve liked in the past. You never know what could get your gears turning.
2. Look up explicit fanfiction of your favorite fandoms.
Surely there is a TV show, movie, book, or play that you love which features a couple who either a) are really fucking sexy or b) would be really fucking sexy if they actually got together. (Harry and Draco, anyone?)
Archive of Our Own and FanFiction.net are two major hotspots, and if your fandom is popular enough, there may also be fanfiction communities for it on Tumblr. Look for stories marked “explicit” or “smut” or use the aforementioned websites’ filtering functions to seek out those stories for you. Scroll until you spot a pairing that riles you up, and then read, read, read.
3. Ponder the fuckable strangers and acquaintances in your life.
There are sort of two schools of thought on this: some people think it’s creepy as hell to masturbate to folks you know in real life, while some people think it’s natural and there’s nothing wrong with it.
If you don’t find it creepy, or you think you can get past the weird feeling long enough to rub one out, I recommend it. Remember: your fantasy life is 100% private unless you decide to share it with someone. Masturbating to the thought of someone isn’t a violation of that person, unless you do something creepy like tell them you masturbate to the thought of them (which you probably shouldn’t ever do unless the two of you are already fucking each other).
4. Fuck hot celebrities in your mind.
Surely most of you have already done this, right?
5. Read good erotica.
Online, there’s Literotica, which is a bit of a disorganized mess and can be hit-or-miss in terms of writing quality, but also has tons of goldmines to discover.
If you are a bibliophile, here are some erotic anthologies I recommend: the Best Bisexual Women’s Erotica series, the Best Women’s Erotica series (or anything Violet Blue has ever edited, for that matter), Lust, and Sometimes She Lets Me.
6. Make a list of sexual acts you find interesting, and fantasize about those.
MojoUpgrade is a cool resource for ideas for your list. Here’s another one. Keep in mind that your fantasy life is different and separate from your real life, so you can (and maybe should!) fantasize about things that you’re unsure you’d actually want to do IRL.
If it helps, combine this tip with numbers 3 and 4: picture doing all this hot stuff with cute celebrities or people you know.
7. Imagine you’re someone else.
Your fantasies have no limitations – or, rather, the only limitation is your own capacity for creativity. You can be and do whatever and whoever you want, so why not try putting yourself in someone else’s shoes? Try gender-swapping, or insert yourself into a power-play scenario that you likely won’t get to try in real life (student/teacher? parent/babysitter? patient/doctor?).
8. Consume sexual resources to get more ideas.
Right now I’m really digging Tina Horn’s podcast, Why Are People Into That?, which is exactly what it sounds like. The discussions are analytical and intellectual and very inspiring.
Instructional sex books can also give you plenty of ideas. I like The Guide to Getting It On, Sex is Fun, The Whole Lesbian Sex Book, and The Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus. (Pro tip: a lot of Violet Blue’s instructional books, including the cunnilingus guide just mentioned, have short erotica stories sprinkled throughout that are relevant to the topic at hand. They are always ridiculously hot. I recommend!)
What do you do when your well of sexual fantasies has run dry?