Monthly Faves: Wooden Spoons & Booty Shorts


My therapist asks me occasionally, “Do you feel you have enough social supports in your life?” and my answer is always yes – but this month, it felt more like a resounding “FUCK YEAH!” I am so blessed to have incredible friends and a wonderful community of online followers (that’s you!). Here are some of the sexual and social highlights of my September…

Sex toys

• SheVibe sent me the new Fuze Foreman dildo to review, which I will do soon. While my vagina isn’t exactly aflutter over the Foreman, I am always pleased to see more uncircumcised dildo options on the market. It’s been ages since I’ve banged/blown someone with an intact foreskin and I miss it… but the Foreman is a suitable substitute for the time being!

• In preparation for the #BirthdayBruises spanking party (more on that later), I ordered a couple of wooden “pervertables” off Amazon: a long-handled wooden spoon and a little bamboo rice paddle. My friend Taylor also brought a long wooden shoehorn to the party. I love all sorts of spanking implements, but there is something especially cool about corrupting innocent objects into instruments of kink. A little creativity makes everything more fun.

• I used my hands quite a bit this month. Having an orgasm without any technological assistance always makes me feel like a badass. I usually find those orgasms aren’t as strong or as long-lasting as the ones I have with vibrators, but it’s still a neat talent to have in my back pocket! (Or down the front of my pants, as it were.)

Fantasy fodder

• I sexted a bit with someone this month who mentioned that having someone sit on his face is his favorite thing. It’s been many years since I’ve sat astride someone’s mouth, but I’m not necessarily opposed to it. In real life, my bad hips, bad knees, chubby body, and chronic anxiety make facesitting a nervewracking proposition – but in fantasy, at least, it can be hot as hell. Can I consensually smother a cute boy with my ladybits, please?

• My obsession with A-spot stimulation continues to haunt my sex life, both actual and imagined. For this reason, when I’m sexually interested in someone, I tend to notice the length of their fingers. And maybe think about how those fingers would feel deep inside me. And how the person’s face would look as they fucked me that way. And what they would say to me when they were about to make me come. Unf.


• As you might know, Bex and I launched our podcast this month after working on it for what feels like eons! We’ve been truly blown away by the enthusiastic reception the show has received: over 200 Twitter followers in the first three days after launch, countless supportive tweets, and lots of suggestions for topics we should cover next. If you’ve enjoyed our first couple episodes, we’d love if you could leave us a rating and review on iTunes! Thanks, babes. 💖

• For Bex’s birthday, we co-hosted a spanking party, where several of our closest friends were invited to give Bex a good smackin’ to celebrate their 25th. It was so much fun: a bunch of my favorite people, packed into a cozy Airbnb apartment, talking, laughing, playing music, and engaging in casual impact play. The whole evening made me reflect a lot on how grateful and happy I am to have built the kind of life where an event like this is commonplace. I’m surrounded by sweet, supportive sex nerds and that brings me joy every day. (If you want more juicy details on the party, check out the Storify I put together of all the tweets and Instagram posts from that evening and the planning that led up to it!)

• Many months ago, my friend Anais told me, half-jokingly, “A spanking buddy is just something everyone should have.” In the time since, I’ve often idly wished for a friend-with-benefits where the benefits are just spanking. Don’t get me wrong, I love sex – obviously – but there is something particularly delicious about a spanking just for the sake of a spanking, and not as foreplay or an accessory to bangin’. After some careful discussions of boundaries and expectations, I kinda have the spanking buddy of my dreams now, which is pretty rad.

Femme stuff

• Sometimes when I’m having a bad anxiety day, I take it out on my eyebrows, plucking hairs I shouldn’t. It leaves ’em looking sparse, but that just means I get to put more effort into filling them in with makeup and making them perfect. This month I combined Anastasia Dipbrow, Benefit Gimme Brow and a cheapo drugstore brow pencil to create sculpted brows where there was once just a couple of meager caterpillars.

• Bex wanted to hit up the Black Market while they were in town, and when we went, I fell in love with a Dr. Seuss-esque T-shirt that says “Gonna Fuck This Ham.” I pride myself on my sense of humor, but sometimes I inexplicably laugh way too much at stupid shit. This shirt filled my very soul with glee, so I had to have it, and now it’s mine.

• The Black Market also sells children’s dancewear items, which, if you can find them in a big enough size, can be worn by adults comme moi. They’re delightfully bright and sparkly. I wore a turquoise crop top and pink shorts to our spanking party, prompting a friend of mine to say upon seeing me, “The ’80s called, and they said you look great.”

Little things

Brainstorming big projects. Emotional detox. Pumpkin muffins. Protodome. Going to improv shows by myself as self-care and then treating myself to McDonald’s after. Chatting and laughing hysterically over vegan food for hours with Mia and Ben. Fantasizing about writers’ retreats. Discussing crystals, sex, and intimacy with Khadeja. Honey whiskey and apple cinnamon cider. The Blogcademy. Seth Cohen. How beautiful John and his camera make me look. Sugarpill’s “Birthday Girl” eyeshadow. Taking my friend to buy her first butt plug. Jimmy Stewart impressions. Impromptu slumber parties. Singing “Zidane to Vivi” while Brent played piano. Pesto pollo pasta and dulce de leche cheesecake at 7 West. My nice clean desk. Meeting my baby nephew for the first time. Making hilarious edits for conservative magazines (“mid-bang” to “during intercourse,” for one!). My new glasses. Demo-bottoming for a spanking class, and dreaming of doing that more.


What were your favorite Sex Thingz this month, my loves?