Holiday Gift Ideas For… Your Submissive

Kate Sloan

Did your sub provide faithful service all year? Did they take all the pain/humiliation/orgasms you inflicted on them with aplomb? Do they just have the cutest goddamn face in the world? If so, they probably deserve presents. Here are some suggestions!

A collar ornament. Assuming your sub already has a collar – which, if they don’t, but you’ve discussed and negotiated it, then the holidays are as good a time as any to take them shopping for one! – some extra adornments for it might be just the thing to spruce it up for the holiday season. L’Amour-Propre makes cute collar tags that say things like “Owned” and “Toy,” and you can even get one custom-engraved.

Aftercare treats. This is particularly sweet if you’re long-distance and you regularly partake of shenanigans like phone sex, Skype sex, or sexting; it’ll be like you’re taking care of them after you fuck them from afar. Pick them up some of their favorite candy or chocolate or a case of their favorite hydrating beverage.

Tools for their favorite service tasks. A nice bootblacking kit so they can keep your shoes shiny. The necessary ingredients and glassware for making and serving your fave cocktail at the end of a long day. A fancy feather duster for tidying your bookshelves (complete with a French maid uniform, if you like!).

A nicer version of their favorite sex toy. If they love wand vibes, get them a Doxy Die Cast. If realistic dicks make them wet, they need a VixSkin dildo. If they adore nipple clamps, get them some Weal & Breech ones. For a better value, you could also pick them up a specially-made sex toy gift set, like the We-Vibe Discover box or the Fifty Shades Freed Pleasure Overload set.

Beautiful stationery for writing-based tasks. You could have them keep a journal of their sexual thoughts and fantasies, for example, or require that they write you a weekly love letter. This type of task is more satisfying for both of you if the supplies being used are gorgeous and high enough quality to last a long time.

A stuffed animal for when they miss you. Bonus points if you pick or make one that actually looks like you, and even more bonus points if you can make it smell like you! The Build-a-Bear workshop could also be a cute place to take your sub on a date so you can create their gift together.

Something for their self-improvement, like a ticket to a weekend intensive, a workbook on cognitive behavioral therapy, or a gym membership. (Um, negotiate this sort of thing first. Buying someone a fitness-based present could come off pretty rude if you don’t know for a fact it’s something they want for themselves.) If part of your role as their dom is to guide them onto a better life path, this is a lovely way to do it.

What would you consider the ideal gift for a submissive?

Protocol Diaries: To-Do, Ta-Da!

Kate Sloan

It started – as many of our protocols do – with a more unofficial version, before either of us could acknowledge with confidence that we wanted something more.

Throughout the early months of our D/s dynamic, I would sometimes text my Sir a frazzled list of my various tasks for the day: finish dayjob work, write blog post, take photos, wash dishes, do laundry, and so on. I did this because I wanted him to press me to actually do those things, which, fortunately, he did. There are few things more disappointing, as a submissive, than hinting that you want some measure of discipline and receiving, instead, an oblivious nothing.

As time progressed, I took to copy-and-pasting my to-do list from my Notes app directly into a text to him – not every day, but sometimes. And then its frequency crept closer to daily. He said he enjoyed knowing what I was up to, on a granular level, at any given day – that it made him feel closer to me, even though we’re long-distance.

One day in September, after weeks of this, I tentatively texted him: “I wonder if my daily to-do list should be a shared note with you. Or is that too hardcore DD/lg for us?” We already had several shared notes – most notably, one that lays out our rules, protocols, and relationship boundaries, like a D/s contract for the digital age – but I was concerned that this one would be placing too much responsibility on him. Having everyday access to my to-do list would implicitly come with the duty to keep an eye on my tasks and my status, and to reward or perhaps punish me accordingly.

It took him fifteen minutes to get back to me, because he was swamped at work, but those minutes felt interminable because I was so worried he would say no. Instead, when he did respond, he said, “Oh my god. How did you read my mind? I thought about that all day yesterday.”

As we discussed it more, it came out that both of us had been wanting this for a while but had felt guilty about wanting it. This has been a recurring theme in our ever-evolving D/s negotiations. I’ve learned to trust, at this point, that if I want something, or have thought about it, odds are good that he wants it or has thought about it too. Some would say we’re in sync because we’re profoundly in love and an uncommonly good match; I would add that we’re also both total pervs, in many of the same peculiar little ways.

We’ve gone several weeks now with me making a to-do list almost every day (every weekday, some weekends), and we talk often about how much we both love it. He loves it because it makes him feel more closely entangled in my daily life, it gives him a sense of how much is on my plate on any given day so he knows whether he can safely assign me additional tasks, it supplies information he needs to support and encourage me properly as a dom, and it’s an incredibly intimate window into my brain (always a selling point for a hypnokinkster). I love it because it feels like a deep sign of mutual trust, it helps me feel more accomplished when I get things done, and it makes me likelier to actually do the things I need to do.

I felt guilty about this at first, and spiralled into self-doubting thoughts. Why is it easier for me to stay on top of my tasks when a man is supervising my progress? Shouldn’t I be self-sufficient, driven, and motivated all on my own? Isn’t it unfeminist, unevolved, or psychologically lazy of me to rely on someone else to fuel my motivation?

But in thinking about it more, I’ve arrived at the conclusion that there’s nothing inherently wrong with pursuing externally-imposed structure and validation. We all do it, to some extent. It’s part of why we post things on Facebook, dress to impress when we go out, and curate our life’s aesthetic to be more Instagram-friendly. My friend Bex once told me that he sometimes goes on wild adventures just so he’ll be able to say he did on social media, and that if it takes an external force to get him to do something fun (like pose for kinky pictures with Santa), so what? He still did the fun thing, so everyone wins. In this case, I usually complete every task on my to-do list and I deepen and intensify my connection with my partner, so… what’s really the problem here?

I think our culture is over-invested in the myth of total self-sufficiency, of “independence,” when what we should really be focusing on is interdependence and how we can support each other and lift each other up. No man is an island, as the saying goes. D/s just makes those connections more explicit in how they function and what’s expected of them – and makes them hotter, in the process, to those involved.

My partner has told me that he wants me to eventually become more self-sustaining – and I’ve already seen that happen in some of our other protocols. Sometimes, for example, I take my iron pill and forget to text him about it, because the daily habit of texting him about it has also instilled the daily habit of taking the pill. Maybe one day I’ll feel as fired up about plowing through my to-do list solo as I do when I know my dom has his eye on it. This is yet another way kink makes me a stronger, better, more fulfilled person.

More Toronto Date Spots

Kate Sloan

I’ve written about my favorite date locations in Toronto before, but now I am a grown-ass adult. Just kidding. Very much not that. However, since writing that post, I did start dating someone who has much more refined taste than me in things like cocktails and fine dining, and he has introduced me to many places in my own city that I had no idea existed and had no idea I’d love so much. So I thought it might be time to revisit this series.

A note: many of these places are pricier than I would typically recommend, and I’m aware that that makes them inaccessible to many. These could become your go-to date spots if you’re well-off enough to make that happen, but if you’re like me, they’re likelier to become special-occasion-only sanctuaries. Or maybe you’ll convince your sugar daddy or grandfather or tech-bro friend to take you to one. Hey, I don’t know your life.

Northwood has become my favorite cocktail bar in the city. (BlogTO agrees. Be still, my heart.) The atmosphere is chill and relaxed, though still fancy enough that I don’t feel out of place if I get dressed up for a Northwood jaunt. They do a bunch of proprietary drinks as well as a whole host of classics, and if you have an off-menu special request, they’ll usually do that, too. I adore their Lady Grey Sour (a sharp and refreshing whiskey sour with, oddly enough, black pepper sprinkled on top) and Black Walnut (a cinnamon-y, nutty sour that’s perfect for fall); they’ve also made me many a Southside, my favorite cocktail, and it’s always wonderful. If Ilissa is working, you know you’re especially in for a treat. Crucially, I feel completely at home here whether I’m with a date or just by myself with a journal or book. This place is a fave and will remain a fave.

Insomnia is partly known for its late-night eats (hence the name) but I’ve mostly come here for lunch and brunch. Their French toast, eggs specials, and breakfast cocktails are all delightfully fancy and the food is very filling. I’m particularly enamored with whatever magical tomatoey sauce they put on their homefries. The atmosphere in here is bustling and you’ll probably have to wait for a table, but it’s worth it.

Jacobs & Co. is a fancy-ass steakhouse tucked away in a nondescript building. I felt like a queen tottering up and down their many staircases in my high heels. The staff is fiercely smart and knowledgeable; our server gave us an extensive spiel about every cut of steak on the menu and helped us choose the right main and sides for our preferences. You’ve gotta try the incredible Caesar salad, prepared table-side; we also loved our oysters and potato puree. And of course, the steak was out-of-this-world delicious. I was especially charmed that they were able to make me my favorite off-menu cocktail, the Southside (sensing a theme?), and that they sent us home with plastic-wrapped dinner rolls to enjoy later that night or in the morning. The attention to detail here is commendable.

Bar Isabel is a Spanish-inspired bar and restaurant that gets pretty much universally positive reviews from Toronto foodies. The seductively low lighting makes this place feel intimate and cozy, and the kitchen is open late (midnight most days, 2AM Fridays and Saturdays), so this is an ideal spot for a post-sex bite or a night-owl date. I love munching perfectly-cured ham and sharp cheese on bread and sipping cocktails while cuddled up to my love.

El Catrin is a Mexican restaurant in the heart of one of my favorite Toronto neighborhoods, the Distillery District. If you crave authentic Mexican food and drinks, this place is a must-do. I adore their chicken tacos, guacamole, and tortilla chips. Having a traditional margarita here also kickstarted a months-long margarita obsession for me, and honestly, I’ve been unable to find one I like better in Toronto than the ones made here.

La Banane is where my darlin’ taught me to eat oysters – aww! It’s a fancy French restaurant with a seafood-heavy menu. We loved sitting at the bar, where we could watch chefs handling seafood up close and chat with them a bit (my partner’s an extrovert, okay). We were impressed with how the staff went above-and-beyond to make us happy, and seemed genuinely invested in making sure our meal was great.

Auberge du Pommier is a French restaurant located, weirdly, in the otherwise quiet and humdrum North York. I was surprised to see such a beautiful, ornate place hidden in that area. We sat on the lush patio and sipped white wine while marveling at the gorgeous decor. I tried foie gras for the first time here, and it was prepared to perfection. The black truffle risotto here is also one of my faves I’ve had, and I say that as a confirmed risotto fiend.

Queen Margherita Pizza is a big, bright Neapolitan pizzeria with multiple locations; I’ve only been to the Dundas West one. As you might expect, their wood-fired pizzas are A++. I also dig their lavender old fashioned, though my boyfriend insists a drink can’t technically be an old fashioned if there’s lemon juice in it. Oh well; it’s still delicious. The waitstaff here are always friendly, whether I’m here with a friend, a partner, or just a book to read. I love sitting in the window here and people-watching while I eat.

Pray Tell is a hoppin’ bar with great brunch offerings. It’s truly the epitome of Fancy Millennial Food, with items like avocado toast and mochi donuts appearing on the menu. We enjoyed their unusual selection of cocktails and their goofy, friendly staff.

Civil Liberties is a cocktail nerd’s dream, but also a great place to go if you know nothing about cocktails and nonetheless want to drink some. They have no menu; you just ask for what you want, however vaguely, and the genius bartenders will bring you something cool. I’ve ordered “a refreshing sour,” “something with ginger or cinnamon,” “something like a Southside,” and so on, always with excellent results. The vibe of this place is usually a little louder and more crowded than I would prefer for an intimate date, but I’m a sensitive li’l introvert, so your mileage may vary. In any case, if you and your sweetheart can get a couple of seats at the bar, you’ll be able to snuggle up close and whisper seductively in each other’s ears while you sip your drinks.

The Broadview Hotel was built from the wreckage of ancient strip club Jilly’s, which I unfortunately never got to visit before it closed for good. At least its replacement is lovely, though. I haven’t stayed at this hotel yet, but I’ve been to both the ground-floor bar and the rooftop bar. Both are beautifully designed and serve tasty cocktails, but we preferred the rooftop bar for its better, faster service and (obviously) better views. If you’re looking for a great rooftop patio in the city, it’s hard to go past the Broadview (and the Drake).

What are your favorite Toronto date spots?

5 Tools I Use to Write About Past Experiences

Kate Sloan

You may have noticed that I write a lot of personal stuff. Stuff about my sex life. Stuff about my relationships. Even stuff about my childhood.

Friends reading my work often remark that I “must have a good memory” because I’m able to recall surprisingly specific details – like the exact wording of something a partner said to me, the exact outfit I wore to a particular event, or the exact number of seconds that elapsed between text messages.

It is probably true that I have a better-than-average memory for romantic and sexual events, developed due to a combination of obsessive anxiety, an intense passion for this subject matter, and plain ol’ practice. But I also have plenty of tricks up my sleeve that help me remember details when my brain didn’t cling onto them to begin with. Here are a few resources I rely on, that you might also find useful for your personal writing…

Journal entries. I’ve journaled regularly for over 10 years, as a means of coping with feelings, processing events, and identifying patterns. My journals aren’t exhaustive – I don’t write down every single thing I did on a given day, just what felt emotionally significant to me that day – so they’re not always good for cross-referencing minute details, but they are a good record of big emotional arcs in my life.

For example, the last time I thought I might be falling in love, I went back and looked at old journal entries from previous times I’d fallen in love. I wanted to check if the “symptoms” were similar, if the timelines matched up, etc. to see if my present-day feelings were really love or more like infatuation. Nerdy, right?

My journal entries tend to contain the details that really stood out to me about a particular event – so, maybe I don’t write down the name of the specific cocktail I drank on a great date, but I am likely to record stuff like how nervous I felt, what my date’s eyes looked like, and what they wore (if I liked their outfit!). These are all useful pieces of information for a blog post or essay later on.

The “advanced search” functions on Twitter and Flickr. Searching your tweets or your backlog of images is a breeze with these two services. I tweet and take photos far more often and more exhaustively than I journal, so I’ll often search my tweets or photos if I need a small, specific piece of information.

For example, if I know I tweeted 5 minutes before a date started and then again as I was leaving the date’s house later that night, I can check the timestamps on the tweets to figure out how long we were together. I often refer to Flickr if I need to know what I was wearing on a particular day, or other visual details like what a place looked like or what lipstick I wore.

If you use Google Chrome, you can set up custom search engines to make this process even quicker. I have the short-codes “TWT” and “FLI” set up in my Chrome for Twitter and Flickr, respectively. So if I want to find a tweet of mine containing the word “party,” say, I can just type “twt party” into my address bar and hit enter – or if I want to find a Flickr photo where I was carrying my Kate Spade purse, I can type “fli Kate Spade.” It makes information-hunting much more efficient, so I don’t lose the momentum of my writing!

Text message histories. The availability of this technique depends largely on your texting medium of choice. For example, Facebook Messenger’s search function is pretty good, while the Signal app doesn’t have a search function at all (and you lose all your texts if you delete the app!). iMessage’s built-in search function is pretty terrible – it’ll only show you one result for whatever word or phrase you enter – but can work if your search term is specific and unique enough. (e.g. I had no trouble finding the conversation I wanted to find when it contained the phrase “Daddy, per se.”)

If you are the type of person who texts a close friend (or a partner) immediately after anything notable happens, texts can be a great source for your initial impressions of events. For example, when I journaled about my first time having sex with a new partner in summer 2017, I wrote at length about how romantic and beautiful the encounter was… but my texts to Bex immediately upon leaving that date tell a slightly different story: “HE IS SUCH A DOMLY SERVICE TOP AND HIS DICK IS ASTONISHINGLY GOOD!!”

Selfies. Like many millennials, I take a lot of selfies. The timestamps on them can often provide useful information if I’m writing about a particular day/event, and I also like to check what I was wearing incase that’s a detail I want to mention.

Occasionally I plumb the depths of my selfies folder when I need more subtle info, like “How long did that boob bruise last?” or “How much did that blowjob smear my lipstick?”

My sex spreadsheet. Every year since 2016, I’ve debated whether I really need to keep a sex spreadsheet for another year, and I always come to the same conclusion: yes I do, because it’s indispensable when I’m writing about sexual encounters.

My journals, texts, and tweets only contain what felt significant to me at the time; they don’t always contain the logistical facts I might need when writing about a sexual interlude down the line, like “How many orgasms did I have on May 8th, 2017?” or “How many blowjobs did I give in October of last year?” or “What sex toys did I use most with partners last summer?” You never know what kinds of details you might want to reference in a piece of writing, so I like having the flat facts at my fingertips incase I need ’em.

What do you refer to when you’re writing about the past?

Interior Dickorator: How to Make Your Home a Sex-Positive Sanctuary

Kate Sloan

They say home is where the heart is. Home is also – for many of us – where you get to be your most authentic self. And if you’re a kinky sex nerd like me, maybe that means your home is a palace of perversion.

When I moved out of my parents’ house and into my own apartment last year, one of the most exciting aspects to me of this new experience was the chance to decorate my new space exactly how I wanted to. And since both my career and my personal life are soaked in sexuality, obviously my new room quickly became the lascivious lair of my dreams.

Are you similarly committed to building a raunchy refuge? Here are some sex-positive decor suggestions you might enjoy…

Risqué prints. Look, what is even the point of having your own private space if you can’t plaster porn everywhere?! I have on my walls, for example, a glossy color print of Quinne Suicide, a Clementine Morrigan illustration of a femme in a strap-on, some postcards featuring art from vintage romance novel covers, and large medical illustrations of the vulva and internal clitoris. Other suggestions: pictures of you and your sweetheart(s), framed screenshots of significant sexts, vintage porn prints, Vargas girls posters, other pinup illustrations, dirty needlepoints from Crass Stitches, sexy stained glass pieces, Vanessa Walsh paintings. You’ll feel saucier in your space once you’re surrounded by sexy objets d’art!

Artfully-arranged condoms and lube. I firmly believe that life’s “boring” minutia doesn’t have to be boring; you can always inject a little pizzazz into the day-to-day. One way I like to do this is by displaying my condoms in a cute little basket, like a barrier buffet. Consider keeping yours in a glass vase, a painted flowerpot, a sleek Container Store solution, a colorful Caboodle, a hollowed-out 1950s music box, or whatever receptacle tugs at your heart. Likewise, you can lay out your lubes in a pleasing fashion, perhaps arranging them in ascending size order on a bedside shelf, or even pouring your fave into an automatic lube dispenser. Class up the joint and you’ll feel even better about reaching for condoms and lube when you need ’em!

Sex toys and/or kink gear on display. I have friends who store their sex toys artfully, in shoe racks or wine racks or various other inventive methods. Currently I have several impact toys hanging from adhesive plastic hooks I’ve affixed to one wall, and several leather kink items are displayed on my windowsill. My under-the-bed restraints also peek out from under my mattress at all times, a glinting glimpse of my kinky proclivities. How could you show off your prettiest sex accoutrements in your bedroom?

Sexy lighting. My friend Suz recently installed LED light strips behind her headboard, which has me thinking about what a big difference good lighting can make in a room. A Tinder hookup once said, of the too-bright overhead light in my old bedroom, “Can you turn that light off? It kind of feels like a hospital in here…” and that comment has stuck with me, inspiring me to seek out more aesthetically pleasing solutions! Currently I have a Neuma LED lamp on my dresser, which has a mode where it cycles slowly through the entire color spectrum in a slinkily seductive manner. In the past, I’ve also experimented with white fairy lights, which cast a comfortingly cozy glow. Your bedroom shouldn’t feel like a fluorescently-lit hospital room – unless you’re into medical play, I suppose!

Tempting fragrances. Assuming neither you nor your paramour(s) suffer from scent sensitivities, this can be a delicious way to add to the mood. I am a fan of Square Trade Goods scented candles, woodsy incense sticks, and diffusers that circulate essential oils throughout the room (you could even reach out to an aromatherapist for a custom blend if you’re feelin’ fancy). Kinksters, did you know Leatherstock makes leather-scented incense and candles that smell stunningly true-to-life?!

A lascivious personal library. John Waters says, “If you go home with somebody and they don’t have books, don’t fuck ’em!” I would add: if you go home with somebody and they have a lot of sex books, it’d probably be fun to fuck ’em! Some sex-nerd faves that would enrich your brain and look good on your bookshelf: Sex at Dawn, Girl Sex 101, Becoming Cliterate, The Killer Wore Leather, and Sex with Shakespeare.

Sex-themed knickknacks. I have so many of these! A 3D-printed internal clitoris on your desk is a great conversation-starter, for example. I store my pens in a Museum of Sex mug that says “Sex Makes Me Thirsty,” which is a bit of an eyebrow-raiser. Some sex toy companies even make miniature versions of their dildos; flag your phallus fandom with flair!

How do you like to flag your sex-nerdiness through decor choices?