Review: Lelo Luna Beads Noir

Someone please explain vaginal balls to me. I don’t understand.

I mean, I understand the theory behind them. They’re supposed to give you some weight, some resistance, with which to exercise your vagina. It’s supposed to be difficult to hold them inside you, forcing you to use your muscles and make your twat stronger. And some of them are also supposed to give you a fun bouncy sensation that’s sexually pleasurable, I guess as a motivator to exercise your vag more often.

But this is never how vaginal balls work for me. It’s never any effort to keep them inside. They never feel heavy or challenging. They just stay put. Am I an anomaly, with a freakishly tight and strong vagina? Or have vaginal balls, as a category of sex toys, just totally lost the plot of what they are supposed to do?

I don’t know the answers to these questions. Please feel free to answer and explain in the comments if you have any theories. For now, I’m going to talk about the latest I’ve tried in a string of perplexing vag balls: the Lelo Luna Beads Noir.

I was sent these balls last year, after having a chat with a lovely Lelo rep about the effect that the Fifty Shades of Grey phenomenon has had on the sex toy industry. Apparently (and I can’t vouch for this because I could only force myself through the first half of the first book), at some point in the trilogy, Christian Grey gives Ana Steele a set of vaginal balls to use, and it’s sexy, or whatever. So as a result, this type of product saw an uptick in sales, and Lelo decided to jump on the bandwagon and make a black/grey version of their Luna Beads Mini.

I will admit that the whole reason I ended up owning the Luna Beads Noir was that I told the Lelo rep how beautiful I thought they were. The smokey grey, the stark black… I dunno, man; I guess I’m a sucker for black sex toys.

Each ball weighs 37 grams and is 1 ¼" in diameter. So, yeah, these are small, but not so small that I can’t feel them. Lelo recommends this size for women who are under 30 years of age or who haven’t given birth. I don’t know how I feel about that type of recommendation, given how much variation there is among vaginas. Let’s just say, you should find out the diameter of your favorite dildo(s) and compare if you’re undecided about which size Luna Beads to get. (The regular size is 1.4" in diameter, which really isn’t that much bigger.)

Unlike the Luna Beads proper, the Noir version only comes with one set of balls, so you can’t swap them out if you want something heavier.

As I mentioned above, my vagina must be a Chinese finger trap because there is no moment during the usage of these balls when I ever feel like they might fall out. I suppose it might be a challenge to keep them in if I were to slather them in handfuls of lube before use, but like, who wants to do that? (Speaking of lube: you should use the water-based kind with these balls, due to their materials.)

The balls themselves are smooth plastic, and the removable girdle that houses them is slightly grippy silicone. This combination of textures feels sexy in the hand but I can’t really perceive it once they’re in my vagina.

The signature bouncy sensation provided by vaginal balls is just dandy with this set. Minimal movement sets them off, which is a plus as far as I’m concerned. I am always very aware of their presence, and they make me want to move my hips around and run up and down staircases.

The looped retrieval cord on these is one of the best things about them: it’s very sturdy and has no stretch whatsoever. Many a good pair of balls have been ruined by an insubstantial or overly stretchy string. When I want to remove my Luna Beads Noir, I just pull the cord – no finagling or fretting required. These will never get stuck in my vagina.

So, as far as vaginal balls are concerned, the Lelo Luna Beads Noir are some of the best I’ve tried. If you want a pair, and like the dark aesthetic of these ones, you should get them – especially since they’re just $23.20 with the code “LELO” on PinkCherry. For a high-quality, body-safe, comfortable and functional pair of vag balls, you won’t find a much better price than that.

But I still don’t really “get” vaginal balls. Maybe it’s my body. Maybe it’s the way they’re made. I don’t know. They confuse me. Oh well…

Thank you, Lelo!