Sex Toys Are a “Real Thing” Too

The cultural narrative which claims sex toys are just a substitute for the “real thing” is bullshit, and I’m sick and tired of it.

Masturbation is every bit as “real” and legitimate as sex with a partner, regardless of whether you use your hands, toys, or any other implement to do it.

I am sick of men who think it’s somehow appropriate or clever to tell me I should set my sex toys aside in favor of their cocks. This is not only gross because they are strangers and I have a boyfriend, but also because – hello?! – it is grossly presumptuous and arrogant for anyone to claim that they would do a better job at pleasing me than my sex toys would.

Sure, I love having sex with my boyfriend. But, to be honest, my Pure Wand hits my G-spot better than his penis does. And you know what? That’s okay! He understands and accepts that. His penis does not have a deep curve and it is not made of steel – nor would I want it to be that way!

I reject the idea that masturbation has to be “practice” or some kind of consolation prize for sex with another person. Sure, some people look at it that way, and some people would always rather be having sex than masturbating – but to me, the two are very separate arenas of my sex life and I don’t view them as being connected or necessarily having anything to do with one another.

Masturbation fulfills different needs than partner sex does. If I want intimacy, surprise, excitement, interaction, or to lie back and do nothing while receiving pleasure, partner sex is the way to go. If I want the exact kind of stimulation that gets me off, or I don’t feel like focusing on anything but myself, or I want to take a longer or shorter time getting myself off than a partner would like, I masturbate.

When people (let’s face it – men, always men) tell me about their ambitions to “replace” my sex toys with their throbbing hard cocks, or whatever, not only is that laughably unarousing to me, but it also erases my basic agency in my own sexuality. It communicates that these men think my masturbation is an illegitimate expression of my sexuality, that I can’t possibly experience pleasure without a man, and that I am sexually incompetent even when I’m all alone.

It reminds me of the idea that women shouldn’t get “too dependent” on their vibrators, because it might make them unable to enjoy sex. Uh, what about women who – like me – routinely use vibrators during sex? What about women whose partners use vibrators on them? What about women who have tricky clits that practically never get off without the help of a vibrator, and never did?

I am bored of everything and anything that invalidates women’s sexual agency. It’s all a bunch of hogwash. Ladies, take back your sexual power and masturbate as much as you want, with whatever toys and tools you want, and don’t mind any men who want to tell you your masturbatory adventures pale in comparison to his cock. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about!

Has anyone ever tried to delegitimize your solo sex life? What happened? How did you respond?

  • Hey, I know this is an older article, but I just found it today, and I’m slow clapping it out over here. This, yes 100% all of this. Stop denigrating my masturbation, world! I don’t always want a deep emotional experience with a partner, and I sure as hell don’t always want to manage two people’s orgasms.