Silly Search Terms

When I installed a stat counter on my website, it was only because certain toy retailers wanted to know how many hits my blog gets. I had no idea that it would result in endless amusement for me.

You might say, “But GJ, statistics aren’t funny!” And you’d be right. But you know what are funny? The phrases people type into Google that lead them to stumble upon my site.

I’m not at all intending to make fun of these people – I think it’s awesome that they’re being pro-active and trying to find whatever it is they want. I just thought I’d share some of my favorite search terms with you, and perhaps speculate as to their meanings. I’m not going to edit any spelling or grammar, because often it’s better that way.

1. why are boys so obsessed with cullingus
Setting aside the word “cullingus,” which sounds like either an inconvenient disease or a bland cauliflower dish – I want to know this girl. I want to know what events in her life have led her to this conclusion. Is she constantly being begged by boyfriends to let them go down on her? Has she encountered exclusively cunnilingus porn and gotten the idea that it’s the main kind? Does she just have really awesome selective perception? I’m intrigued.

2. why is my penis smaller when im tired
Is this a thing? I just asked my boyfriend if his gets smaller when he’s tired, and he said, “Um… I’ve never particularly noticed that.” Have you guys heard of this?

3. rubbing own clitoris during sex
This is actually a really common one. I guess either a lot of women are trying to figure out if it’s normal/okay for them to do this, or a lot of men are worried about whether their girlfriends’ pleasure-seeking means their penises are defective. For all you folks out there who might be inclined to Google something like this: it’s okay to incorporate clit stimulation into intercourse! In fact, most women need it to reach orgasm.

4. quietest tenga egg
I laughed. Tenga Eggs are fuckin’ loud. My boyfriend describes it as a “squitching” noise (not squishing, but squitching). FYI, anonymous searcher, the VerSpanken is practically silent, so go nuts.

5. pad porn
I’m not sure if this person was searching for Crash Pad Series clips or if they actually just want to see porn involving menstrual pads. Either way, I applaud them.

6. my boyfriend makes me wear a harness
Dude, that doesn’t sound consensual. Communication is important, and consent is crucial! Not cool.

7. is it easy for a beginner to rub their clit
It’s pretty self-explanatory, yeah.

8. I a man and I want a cock vibrater
I love this guy’s assertion and self-assuredness. No beating around the bush here!

9. how to make a bisexual raver girl like me?
If you ever find out, bro, make sure you let me know.

10. he likes to caress his uncut cock
The usage of the word “caress” is what makes this great, especially when you consider that the definitions of “caress” all involve the idea of showing affection to whatever you’re caressing. This dude really loves his uncut cock. Fantastic.

11. handjob empty completely balls
Is it just me, or does this sound like a porn parody of Yoda?

12. cute awkward girl porn
Is this a new porn genre, in the era of “cute awkward girls” like Zooey Deschanel and Alison Pill? Do we have a collective cultural desire to see dorky girls get ploughed? I’d be down for that.

13. control my boyfriend with handjobs
Is this consensual? ‘Cause if so, it sounds hot.