I Designed an Accessible A-Spot Dildo, & It’s Available Now!

Photo via the Pleasure Tailor

I’ve been reviewing sex toys for nearly a decade, but with the exception of a surprise dildo-making party at an Oregon glassblowing shop, I’ve never made my own sex toy.

So you can understand why I practically jumped out of my chair with glee when the folks at the Pleasure Tailor emailed me to ask if I’d like to collaborate with them on a sex toy design. And I’m glad to say that the final product, the Easy A, is available for purchase now. But let me back up and tell you the story of how it came to be!

 

The person who emailed me, West, explained that his company was trying to “amplify underrepresented voices by enabling experts from various communities to design their own sex toys.” I knew immediately that I wanted to design a toy that would serve my needs as a person who lives with chronic pain and muscle strength issues due to fibromyalgia. I also knew I wanted it to be a dildo that targets the A-spot. (That’s the erogenous zone deep inside the vagina on the front wall, and the one that has been my #1 favorite internal erogenous zone for many years, for those who don’t know.)

Accessible toys and A-spot toys have some commonalities: there’s not very many of either, for one thing, but on the plus side, more are starting to pop up here and there. For example, the company Bump’n recently launched the Joystick, a product designed by and for disabled folks that allows hands-free usage of toys like vibrators, dildos, and strokers. On the A-spot side of things, companies like Uberrime and Tantus have multiple toys in their lineup now that can reach that spot with relative ease.

What I haven’t seen, however, is a toy that is both A-spot-targeted and accessible for people who have limitations like mine. So when West emailed me to ask what I’d like to design, I started making some sketches. I’m not much of a visual artist, but they gave us a good starting point.

Initially, I wanted to make a toy that had angled finger holes in the base, like the NobEssence Fling, while also boasting an A-spot-friendly curve at the tip, like the Tantus Tsunami. I had found finger holes to be a useful innovation during pain flare-ups when my hands could barely stroke my clit without pain, let alone pound a dildo in and out of me at the intensity I prefer. They allowed me to maintain control over the toy without having to grip/squeeze it in my hand. But I’d only ever seen them in toys aimed at the G-spot, so I hadn’t been able to harness their helpfulness in pursuit of A-spot stimulation.

West and I went back and forth via email for a while; he showed me designs, I made suggestions, he made adjustments, I tried a prototype, I sent more feedback, he made more adjustments.

Eventually, he said he wasn’t sure finger holes were the right choice after all, since they were difficult to make out of silicone in a cost-effective way, and would also limit the user in terms of what position their wrist could be in. If, for example, you like to lift one leg and loop your arm around it to grab your dildo, the finger holes would be at the wrong angle to do that.

But the Pleasure Tailor team had come up with a solution. They created a two-tiered base meant to be held between your fingers. This way, you can push and pull the dildo in and out with a fairly light touch and it’ll still move as responsively as it would if you were gripping it more firmly. This design still had the intended effect of increased accessibility, but was easier to manufacture and also easier to use from a variety of different angles. Have I mentioned that the folks at the Pleasure Tailor are geniuses?!?

Image via the Pleasure Tailor

Let’s talk about how this thing targets the A-spot, though… because, hoooo boy, it sure does. The Easy A is made of triple-density silicone, meaning that it has a firm silicone core that gives it its shape, covered by two layers of progressively squishier silicone. This is important because the A-spot is nestled in front of the hyper-sensitive cervix, so you don’t want to ram it with something super hard right off the bat – but once the toy is actually pressed against your A-spot, you may want (or at least, I certainly want) firm pressure. The Easy A is squishy enough to feel comfortable, but firm enough to actually do what it sets out to do: stroke the fuck out of your A-spot.

I have found this toy very effective for that purpose. Like all toys used for deep penetration, this one requires some amount of warm-up – but once I’m relaxed, turned on, and have inserted the toy all the way, it finds my spot with practically zero effort on my part. And when I locate it, I can hit it over and over again with a simple flick of my wrist or bend of my fingers.

One of my favorite features of the Easy A is a small raised marking on the base which aligns with the upward curve of the toy. This makes it so that the toy will never rotate around inside you without you knowing or noticing – you can always look down to check whether the marking is centered, and recenter it if necessary so that the toy will keep hitting your spot as intended.

Image via the Pleasure Tailor

Some other random features of this toy that I think are cool:

  • Presumably, if you were to rotate it 180°, you could use it to stroke the posterior fornix instead of the anterior fornix. I’m not a posterior fornix aficionado so I can’t 100% confirm whether it works well for that purpose, but I’d be interested to hear from someone who is, if they try this toy!
  • It doesn’t look like it would be harness-compatible, because the two-tiered base looks like it would make the dildo flop around too much in a harness, but actually, the core of the dildo is so firm that it works surprisingly well in a strap-on. So you can use it for easier masturbation or you can have a partner strap it on if they want to hit your deep spot too.
  • It’s fucking bright blue!! Just looking at it makes me happy!

You can buy the Easy A right now for $125.00. But fascinatingly, the Pleasure Tailor also offers the ability to customize this toy to your own specifications. If, for example, you like the basic idea of it but would prefer it in a different color, size, firmness, or finish, you can let them know and they’ll make it just the way you want it. How cool is that?!

If you try the toy I designed, I hope you love it! I’m certainly going to treasure mine forever 🥰

Review: Tracy’s Dog Craybit

My relationship with the sex toy company Tracy’s Dog didn’t exactly start off on the right foot. Er, the right paw.

They’ve sent me a bunch of pitch emails over the years, often containing weird glaring missteps, like accidentally addressing me as Emmeline (she was my roommate at the Woodhull conference once, but we’re not the same person!) and – in the most recent case – kiiinda plagiarizing my own writing back at me.

I got an email from Tracy’s Dog a while ago about their new rabbit vibe, the Craybit (so called because its strange tagline is “Let’s get crazy a little bit”). This toy’s claim to fame is that it has three motors: one to target the clit, one to target the G-spot, and one to target one of my very favorite erogenous zones, the A-spot. “You might be familiar with the G-Spot stimulation from toys and fingering, but have you ever experienced A-Spot orgasm?” their email asked. (Uh, yes, I have been known to.) “The feeling of hitting A-Spot is totally different from G-Spot [sic]. It is a more intense, molten-hot, addictive sensation that melts your soul and your body!”

That phrasing gave me déja vu, so I googled it, and… the only instance online of the phrase “molten-hot, addictive” is in an article I wrote for Glamour about the A-spot. Guess this company liked the piece. 😂

While this is aggravating, it also made me reflect on how this points to the little-known-ness of the A-spot. This isn’t the first time I’ve seen someone crib language from my own writing on this topic when extolling the virtues of the A-spot – especially since, aside from a few other sex writers I know such as Zoe Ligon and Cy of Super Smash Cache (both of whom are excellent), not many people go into detail about this spot on a regular basis.

The only reason I can think of for this linguistic borrowing is that the companies’ copywriters haven’t experienced A-spot pleasure themselves. If they had, they would be able to write about it in their own words. And while part of that is due to the simple fact that not everyone likes A-spot stim (just as not everyone likes G-spot or prostate stim), another part of it is due to how seldom the A-spot is discussed and explained compared to erogenous zones whose names show up more often on Cosmopolitan and Men’s Health covers.

All this to say, it’s always a thrill for me to see new toys being developed and released that specifically mention the A-spot in their marketing copy (ideally in the companies’ own words). It means that not only is the desire for A-spot stimulation being affirmed – it’s being actively catered to. Hooray!

The Craybit rabbit comes in an elegant black cardboard gift box with the company logo lettered on it in silver script. Inside is a charging cable for this USB-rechargeable toy, and an instruction booklet which details the vibe’s 15 (!) modes. These are pretty unique as far as vibrator patterns go, because the Craybit is juggling three motors at once. Some of the modes are more basic – all three motors on a steady speed, or all three thumping in synchrony – but some are more complex: the clit vibe can thrum in hills and valleys while the internal motors pulse erratically, for example, or each motor can throb in turn, like they’re singing in a round together.

Unfortunately none of these patterns do what I really want this type of vibe to be able to do: vibrate steadily on my clit while the internal motors pound rhythmically. My erogenous zones each crave a different type of stimulation, and I know I’m not alone in that. What my A-spot and G-spot want is always gonna be different from what my clit wants, and these patterns get it frustratingly almost-right. The closest to my ideal is the 8th one, which alternates between a low and high speed on the clit, stays steadily low on the G-spot, and pulses for a few beats on the A-spot before vibrating normally for a few more beats and then starting over at the beginning. As such, this vibe works better for me as a foreplay tease than as a “finisher.”

The motors are pretty decent – or possibly they just feel like they are because there are three of them. (Kinda like how three mediocre actors reciting the same Shakespeare monologue in unison would impress me more than just one of them stumbling through it.) I can’t actually isolate them to test them each on their own because all 15 of the toy’s modes utilize all three motors at once. This is ultimately the toy’s main flaw – that you can’t control the motors individually. I realize it would be a lot of buttons to have to cram onto the handle of a vibrator, but I really wish it were an option, even just via a Bluetooth app on your phone (and I am not normally one to say vibrator apps are good!). The perennial problem with rabbit vibrators is that everyone’s body is different so it’s hard for a dual-stimulation toy to get the stimulation right in both its motors for any particular person, and that problem is, of course, compounded once you introduce a third motor.

That said, my G-spot and A-spot appreciate the strong rumbliness of the Craybit’s internal motors. I just wish the clit motor was less buzzy (as far as I can tell, it’s the buzziest of the three), and that there were some lower speed settings. Even the lowest steady pattern feels overwhelming if I’m not warmed up – in much the same way as those three bad Shakespearian actors would be overwhelming if you were only expecting one or two to show up.

The clit stimulator is one of those classic two-pronged “bunny ears” situations. I actually like this one better than most others of its type, because the ears are made of solid, substantial silicone so they don’t flap around as much as these usually do, and it’s easier to get them to stay put on my clit. However, I know that’ll make it less appealing for people who find the flapping-around pleasurable.

The relative solidness of the bunny ears also introduces some problems, mainly that when I do need to adjust their positioning, I often end up accidentally slingshotting them onto my clit in a way that feels like a tiny slap. Not ideal… unless you’re into that.

The handle of the toy buzzes annoyingly when it’s on, but honestly I can’t really fault the designers for that – it’s a lot of vibration in one product, so I can see how it would be hard to keep the toy’s handle issues, uh, handled. Fortunately the toy is shaped such that it stays anchored in place pretty well in my vagina, snug against my G-spot and A-spot, so I can use it hands-free if I want to. The shape also makes it so that the most natural-feeling way to thrust this toy (if indeed you choose to thrust with it) is to use short, deep motions, which are exactly what my A-spot likes anyway. It’s a very thoughtful design.

There are a lot of weird things about Tracy’s Dog’s overall branding and marketing that I need to address. First of all, does anyone else immediately start singing Tracy’s Dog has got it going on upon reading this company’s name? Secondly, did they really need to evoke a dog in the name of their, um, SEX TOY company? Thirdly, why do they have a YouTube channel where a hot tattooed man dressed like a cowboy answers frequently asked questions about the toy while shirtless, drinking whiskey, lighting a cigarette, playing a guitar, playing the chimes, staring pensively into a mirror, and giving problematic misinformation about the hymen while playing pool? …Okay, I have to admit I like the tattooed cowboy. But he raises even more questions for me than he answers. Is he supposed to be Tracy?! Is the dog in this video therefore the eponymous Tracy’s dog? Why is he always hanging out in what appears to be the world’s coolest saloon/motorcycle garage/house? Is he an actor who the company hired to perform in these videos? If so, where can I see the rest of his filmography in its entirety? Enquiring minds need to know.

I also noticed in my research for this review that some of the Craybit’s marketing copy says it’ll give you “an orgasm so intense that it straightens your legs out like a fainting goat,” which is how I ended up reading the whole Wikipedia article on fainting goats while absent-mindedly thrusting the toy in and out of me during a testing session. (Thanks to my friend Sarah, who loves goats, for enlightening me on this topic.) I don’t think I developed an odd fetish as a result of this episode, but who the hell knows. I also noticed that the same page contains a graphic that again uses my “molten-hot, addictive” turn of phrase. Guess it’s hard for an old dog to learn new tricks.

Overall, I like this vibe, and I love that it exists – yay, A-spot rep! – but I can’t say I’ll be reaching for it a lot. The Tracy’s Dog Craybit is an overwhelming vibrator that assails three of my major erogenous zones with strong simultaneous vibration. It does that very well, but that’s not really what I want out of a sex toy – I want to be able to control the sensations each spot feels at any given time, and that includes being able to start on a low speed. However, I can recommend this toy for you if you want a vibrator that will rock your entire internal clitoris with powerful patterns and va-va-voom vibrations – in other words, a vibrator that’ll make you feel, I guess, like a fainting goat.

 

This post was sponsored, which means that Tracy’s Dog paid me to write an honest and fair review of their product. As always, all writing and opinions are entirely my own.

Reviews: Fun Factory Stronic Real + Stronic G

The Stronic Real (purple) and Stronic G (blue).

It’s very rare, as a sex toy reviewer, to be able to say that any product is truly unique. The sex toy industry has been around for long enough now that hardly any products bring anything genuinely new to the table – most of them are just improvements on (or attempts to improve) toys that already exist. While that’s a noble goal, sometimes I find myself thirsting for invention rather than just innovation.

Fun Factory really did reinvent the wheel a few years back when they launched their Stronic line of products. These toys actually thrust back and forth using technology I haven’t seen elsewhere. You can get Stronic-style movement in a whole bunch of different shapes now, which is great news because it means more people can enjoy this seemingly magical thrusting!

Recently I was lucky enough to be sent two new(ish) Stronic toys, and I’m gonna review them for you today. They’re both rechargeable, waterproof, made of silicone and plastic, and not anal-safe (due to the lack of a flared base), and both have a wide variety of speeds and patterns, but other than that, they’re pretty different, as you’ll see…

The Stronic Real (sent to me by the lovely folks at Betty’s Toy Box) is, as its name suggests, Fun Factory’s take on a “realistically” shaped toy. But this company isn’t exactly known for realism, so this toy moreso gestures at the idea of a penis than actually depicts one. I don’t mind that – dicks’ coronal ridge and thrusting action are two of my favorite qualities of theirs, and both of those are present here.

The thing you need to know right away about the Stronic Real is that it seems to be the best choice from the Stronic line for those of us who enjoy A-spot stimulation. It’s long enough to hit the spot in question, and has the exact shape that works best for me when I’m trying to reach my A-spot while satisfying the rest of my vagina too: a thick shaft and a tapered tip with a slight upward curve. If I ease the Stronic Real into my vag as far as it’ll go (using lots of lube, because Fun Factory silicone is draaaaggy), and brace the base of it with my hand or a pillow so it doesn’t slip out as it thrusts, it can stay pretty focused on my A-spot so I can pay attention to whatever I’m doing to my clit. (Probably using the Eroscillator on it, let’s be real.)

The Stronic G, by contrast, doesn’t usually even need to be braced against something – because it locks onto my G-spot and basically stays there. This phenomenon sets it apart from other toys in the Stronic line, to a significant enough extent that I could see turning to this one when the chronic pain in my hands is flaring up and I can’t (or don’t want to) hold a penetrative toy.

I’m not known for my squirting the way some other bloggers are, but boy howdy, this toy sure makes me squirt a lot. In my inaugural Stronic G session with my partner, I soaked through their bedsheets so thoroughly that we decided to belatedly put down a towel – which I then promptly soaked through, too. The thrusting feels a lot like a skilled partner fingerbanging you at the high rate of speed that many people find causes squirting. I find that it’s more of a constant trickle, unlike the bigger, more theatrical expulsions prompted by something heftier like the Pure Wand. If you’ve been curious about learning to squirt, the Stronic G might be a revelation for you – but on the flipside, if you find G-spot stimulation overwhelming or unpleasant, you will likely hate this toy. It is a G-spot-focused jackhammer and is, as Epiphora would say, not for the faint of vagina.

Neither the Real nor the G can hit my internal spots with the amount of force, accuracy, and frankly, slowness that I tend to prefer when partners use their fingers on those spots. It’s sort of like the difference between tickling and massage. I can definitely have orgasms with the faster, more surface-level stimulation provided by the Stronic toys – and I have, many times – but they have a different, more frenetic and less profound quality than orgasms I have when my spots are being stimulated more methodically and firmly. (This is why, as I get closer to orgasm, I sometimes ask my partner to switch from fucking me with the Stronic G to using something with more chutzpah, like the Eleven, to finish me off.) However, for toys that are more-or-less hands-free, they do an excellent job replicating the sensation of being fingerbanged. If you like getting fucked fast – or if you tend to thrust your dildos in and out on the quicker side of the spectrum – you’ll likely enjoy these.

Do I think you need both the Stronic Real and the Stronic G in your collection? Certainly not. The latter is best for hardcore G-spot stimulation enthusiasts, while the former is likelier to satisfy those who like A-spot stimulation and/or general vaginal fullness. But I am, admittedly, quite glad to own both. They’re both very damn good at their core competencies – and when you’re craving a Stronic, nothing else will do.

 

Thank you so much to Betty’s Toy Box and Fun Factory, respectively, for sending me these products to try!

Review: Uberrime Night King

The email said, “I think we have something that may interest you. Finally, an A-spot toy.” It was from Savva at Peepshow Toys, and he had my fucking attention.

The A-spot, as you might know if you’re a dedicated reader here, is a crucial erogenous zone of mine, located deep inside the vagina, in front of the cervix. The problem Savva alluded to in his email is that there are remarkably few toys made for hitting that spot. My pal Kenton at Funkit Toys makes the Armadillo for this purpose, and I heard a rumor once that one of Fun Factory’s toys was designed with the A-spot in mind, but that’s about it. My fave toys for deep stimulation, like the G-Spoon and the Eleven, are not really meant to be pushed so deep, so they have their problems when used this way: not enough handle length to properly thrust with, for example, or a slightly too-wide head that can only burrow into the A-spot at certain finicky angles. It’s a sad state of affairs, but it’s the best I’ve got, for the most part.

The Uberrime Night King, though, is pretty indisputably an A-spot toy, which is why Savva thought of me when Peepshow started carrying it. It’s absurdly long for a dildo – 9″ total, 8″ insertable – so, much like the Tantus Uncut #1, it can get all the way inside me with a couple inches to spare for thrusting leverage. You could use this toy on your G-spot, but it would be an awkward feat for both hand and vag. It begs to fill up an orifice.

Uberrime is a company that popped onto my radar seemingly out of nowhere. They make individually handmade silicone dildos more beautiful than any I’ve seen in a long while. Peepshow carries various other Uberrime toys, and I hear good things about many of them, but the Night King is the one I’ve fallen head-over-A-spot for.

I first noticed this toy’s increasing indispensability in my sex toy collection when my Sir started commanding me to use it during phone sex more and more. He’s methodical about his toy choices for me, selecting the exact tools he knows will produce the sounds he wants to hear, or will satisfy a craving he can sense in me. (Yes, my boyfriend is a phone-sex genius.) From the very first time I used the Night King at his bidding, he told me he liked the sounds it brought out of me. They are A-spot sounds: deep, warmed-honey grunts, entirely different from my high-pitched G-spot squeaks or desperate clitoral wails. I know when a toy works well for me from how it feels, but I also trust my boyfriend’s opinion on this, since he listens to me much more intently during sex than I ever listen to myself – and he says I fucking love this toy.

He’s right. While I’m not normally a big fan of textured dildos, the swirly, vein-like ridges all over the Night King’s shaft feel delicious rubbing along my vaginal walls. But more importantly: the combination of the head, the coronal ridge, and the curve make this a stellar A-spot toy. Uncharacteristically for a dildo, the head of the Night King is slightly thinner than the 1.7″-wide shaft, and that barely-there taper allows the tip to slide right up into my reclusive A-spot, no problem. The dildo’s perfect upward curve guides it smoothly toward that spot; no cervix-jabbing here. And then there’s that magnificent coronal ridge – deep, but not sharp – providing a satisfying “popping” sensation every time the dildo moves in or out of the snug cul-de-sac in which my A-spot resides. I don’t know if Uberrime meant for this to be an A-spot dildo, but either way, they fuckin’ killed it.

Despite its vaguely extraterrestrial aesthetic, the Night King feels just dicklike enough that I can fantasize about dicks while I use it. (I mean, you can fantasize about dicks while you’re using any toy, or none at all, but I often like my toys to match my fantasies at least a little.) The dimensions of this one are in the same ballpark as my partner’s cock, and it hits my A-spot with similar aplomb, so this dildo is a mutual fave when m’dude and I have phone sex involving good ol’ PIV. Uberrime’s silicone is firm but with just enough squish to feel comfortable, so – much like flesh-and-blood dicks – the Night King feels absolutely decadent when it’s buried deep inside me while I come. Squeezing and clenching around something so simultaneously thick and spongy is… yum.

I like the Night King’s sturdy base, too. It’s easy to grip onto and thrust with – very important in a toy like this that makes me want to thrust a lot. One of my fave weird features of my Night King – which other ones probably don’t have, due to the handmade nature of these toys – is that there’s a little silver marking on the base which helps me keep the toy oriented the right way, with the curve pointed up. With a lot of other dildos, I’ll tend to rotate them slowly over time without noticing it, and often have to take them out and adjust their orientation; there’s no need to do so with the Night King, because I have a visual indicator right on the base.

The Night King is technically harness-compatible, what with that hefty base and exaggerated length; it will especially be a hit if your strap-on recipient likes getting fucked deep. But it’s also so long that it’ll tend to flop around in a harness. If you want something easier to control, I’d recommend one of Uberrime’s shorter toys, like the Splendid or the Essential. Or you could just deal with the floppiness. It won’t move around much once it’s buried deep inside someone, after all. (Cue vaginal drooling here.)

Being a sex toy snob of the highest order, I’m almost never this enamored with a new toy these days. But the Night King has worked its way into my regular rotation, because it’s just that fucking good. If you love deep penetration and can contend with this toy’s girth and texture, I think you’ll find this dildo heavenly. Finally, the sex toy industry has acknowledged us A-spot fiends. I hope this is the start of a trend!

 

Thanks so much to Peepshow Toys for sending me this toy to review! Check out their complete selection of Uberrime toys.

6 Big Things I’ve Learned From 6 Years of Sex Blogging

Oh wow: this blog is six years old today. That is unbelievable to me. When I started Girly Juice, I thought it’d be a fun summer project. I never envisioned it’d still be going strong years later, a major source of professional opportunities, social connections, income, and glee.

It’s been a major source of self-revelation, too. Here are six big things I’ve learned about myself, my sexuality, and my approach to relationships in the years I’ve been writing here at Girly Juice dot net…

1. I’m kinky as fuck. When I started blogging, I identified pretty squarely as vanilla. I had submissive fantasies occasionally, but figured they were just fantasies – not anything I’d want to try in real life.

However, two and a half years into writing this blog, I ended my very vanilla long-term relationship, and started exploring other avenues – at first, just in fantasy, and later, in reality. I tried things out with a couple of domly FWBs, dated some doms who helped me see in myself the submissive cutie they saw in me, and learned more about what being a “good girl” means to me.

I still suffer from “impervster syndrome” from time to time, feeling like I’m too kinky for vanilla folks and too vanilla for (some) kinky folks – but for the most part, I feel secure in my kinky identity. And I’m looking forward to exploring new kinks for a long time to come!

2. I’m non-monogamous. At the start of my blogging journey, I was in a long-term monogamous relationship, and was very happy and in love. But as time went on, I started noticing twinges of dissatisfaction. It had nothing to do with my partner – I adored him, felt blissfully supported by him, and was satisfied with our relationship in all but one dimension. Monogamous strictures made me feel owned and confined – and not in the fun, kinky ways!

Though we experimented with low levels of don’t-ask-don’t-tell non-monogamy in that relationship, it was clear that we were both compromising past our comfort levels, and that it wasn’t going to work long-term. We parted ways amicably, for this reason among others, and I started pondering what I wanted from my future relationships, vis-à-vis non-monogamy.

In the years since then, I’ve experimented with lots of different relationship structures: open relationships, hierarchical and non-hierarchical polyamory, solo poly, casual sluttiness, less-casual sluttiness. Right now, I feel like non-hierarchical poly is the best fit with my approach to dating and my interpersonal ethics. But, as with most of this stuff, I’m open to seeing how that evolves in the future.

3. A-spot stimulation makes me come a lot. I’ve written plenty about the A-spot (a.k.a. anterior fornix) over the years, after discovering – mostly through the use of sex toys – that it’s fairly key to my orgasmic process.

It’s been fun to teach various partners about this spot, and watch them light up when they figure out how to stimulate it. It’s been even more gratifying, however, to receive countless emails and tweets from people who didn’t know they liked A-spot stimulation until they read my articles about it. I never shut up about this spot because I don’t want anyone to feel like their body is broken or weird, like I used to!

4. You gotta ask for what you want. I’m great at telling other people to ask for what they want. I’m great at journaling about what I want, telling my friends what I want from my partners, and whining about how I don’t have what I want. I have historically been less great about actually asking partners for what I want.

This can be anything from “I want you to fuck me deeper and harder” to “I want you to answer my texts in a more timely manner.” Asking for things can feel embarrassingly unchill, but really, it’s the only way to get the satisfying romantic and sexual relationships you desire and deserve. I keep learning this in new ways all the time and it serves me so well when I manage to do it.

5. I prefer quality over quantity when it comes to sex and relationships.

Okay, some caveats here. First off, it’s possible to be slutty and/or dating lots of people and have all of those connections be high-quality, healthy, and wonderful. I know people who manage it. Kudos to them! Secondly, for some people, having lots of partners is their idea of a high-quality romantic/sexual life, and that’s A-OK too. If your sex life makes you happy, I applaud you and celebrate it with you!

However, I went through a “slut phase” and came out the other side realizing having a lot of romantic/sexual connections at once isn’t really a good fit for my particular brain and relationship style. Same with casual sex and one-night stands. The way those types of connections have functioned in my life, they don’t offer me the depth, support, and consistency I’ve discovered I crave. I’m suuuper glad I went through a slutty chapter of life, because it taught me a lot, but that’s not where I’m at anymore, and that’s fine!

My current poly situation looks like this: a long-distance boyfriend I talk to every day and have a super intimate relationship with; a local, casual, somewhat romantic partner I see on occasion for rope bondage and giggles; and a highly casual but still much-adored friend with benefits who I fuck about once a month. My emotional and sexual needs feel pretty well taken care of, and it’s so nice!

6. Anything can change at any time. You can develop new kinks, or lose interest in old ones. You can have a sudden, radical shift in what you want out of your relationships. You can learn new ways to orgasm, and get bored of your former failsafe methods. You can notice strong feelings for a new person, or abruptly lose interest in someone you thought you’d love forever. You can think you know what you need, and then realize you need something totally different.

I have “this too shall pass” tattooed on my inner wrists to remind me that everything is ephemeral. When you truly, deeply know and believe that, you develop a Zen-like appreciation for the good things in your life at any given time, knowing full well that they might not always be there. It sounds bleak, but it’s actually liberating – uplifting, even. There are things that bring you pleasure and joy now, and there will be more things like that in the future, and they might not always be the same things, but that’s fine. Pleasure springs eternal. Isn’t that lovely?!

What have you learned about your sexuality and approach to relationships in the past few years?