Ask Girly Juice: How to Prepare for Losing Your Virginity

Anonymous asked: I love my boyfriend. We’ve been together for several months now. We’re both virgins, and we both want to eventually have sex with each other – but I’m scared and not sure what to expect. How can I prepare myself, emotionally and physically?

Kudos, Anonymous! Few young people give their “first time” the attention and preparation it deserves, and that’s why so many people report lacklustre experiences. Your eagerness to get educated will definitely bode well for you in the bedroom!

First, it’s important to learn about making sex safe. The best way is to talk to your doctor about your options, if you feel comfortable doing that – and if you don’t, you should switch doctors!

If you’re planning on going on hormonal birth control, get a prescription for that from your doctor (or a contraceptive clinic in your city, which you can find by Googling). You’ll generally be instructed to take the first one on the first day of your next period. After that, it will take about a week to kick in. Make sure you give yourself enough time for all this to happen; don’t rush into anything.

Buy some condoms, or acquire some at birth control clinics where they’re often distributed for free. Basic, normal, lubricated ones are probably your best bet for now. Once you’re comfortable having sex, you can explore other options –there’s a whole world of fancy condoms out there!

Have a look through a sex ed website geared toward young people, like Scarleteen.com, or SexIsFun.net’s Teen Site, or a good sex guidebook, like Sex Is Fun: Creative Ideas for Exciting Sex or The Guide to Getting It On. Thoroughly read any parts that you think might be useful for you. Take notes, if you’d like. Tell your boyfriend about anything interesting or unexpected that you come across, whether it’s something you definitely want to try or desperately want to avoid.

Talk to your boyfriend! Communication is the most important element of a healthy sexual relationship. Discuss what your expectations are. Set your boundaries. Make sure that he will stop or slow down immediately if you tell him to do so. I doubt I even need to tell you this, but never, ever have sex with someone you don’t trust to stop if you tell them to.

Get to know yourself sexually, if you haven’t already. This means: masturbate, and learn about your own sexual response. If you’re comfortable with your anatomy and the way you respond to sexual stimulation, you will be leaps and bounds more confident in the bedroom. Check out an online sex shop if you’re in need of some mechanical assistance.

It’s very important that you be well-lubricated when you have sex. This is especially true when it’s your first time, because wetness will lessen any pain significantly. Don’t just jump right into it; start with a lot of foreplay so you’ll be very warmed up by the time you get to the actual penetration. If you don’t have much natural wetness, use a water-based lubricant. Put it around your vaginal opening and all over the head of his penis, over the condom.

When it’s time, try to relax. Have a towel or something similar underneath you incase there’s blood, or other messy fluids. Depending on the size and state of your hymen, you might experience a lot of pain or none at all; be prepared for either, but try not to be too nervous. If you love and trust your boyfriend, and you know that he loves and respects you, you should feel confident that you can have him stop at any time, and that knowledge ought to help relax you.

Don’t expect your first time to be awesome. Most aren’t. However, you already have an advantage that a lot of people don’t: you’re going to lose your virginity to someone you trust.

If you don’t adore sex right away, don’t sweat it. As with most things, it gets better with practice. As sex guru Dr. Sue Johanson says, “Sex is perfectly natural, but not naturally perfect.”

Ask Girly Juice: Dos and Don’ts of Lube

I volunteer regularly at a sex and relationships hotline. Many of the questions we get are repeats; a lot of people same to have the same worries and inquiries. One thing I’ve been asked on multiple occasions is, “Is it okay to use [insert substance here] as lube?” Since it’s perplexing that so many people don’t know what are and are not suitable lubricant choices, I decided to compile my knowledge on the subject here.

Lube and vaginas:

If you’re planning on having vaginal sex, avoid lubes which contain sugar and/or glycerin. These ingredients can cause nasty yeast infections because of the way they interact with the naturally occurring bacteria in a vagina. You can use flavored lube while going down on your lady, as long as you make sure that it’s free of sugar and glycerin.

This also means that you shouldn’t use chocolate, peanut butter, or any other sweet food or drink in your sexytimes if a vagina will be involved. I know it sounds sexy to dribble chocolate sauce all over your lover’s vulva and lick it off, but she won’t think it’s so sexy when she wakes up a couple days later with a raging case of the yeastie beasties.

It’s also not a great idea to use non-natural oils as lube for vaginal sex, because that kind of oil can trap bacteria in the vagina and cause infections as well. Lightweight, natural oils like coconut and grapeseed are fine, but stay away from heavier options like mineral oil/petroleum jelly. Many silicone-based lubes feel and behave like oil, so they might be a better option if you like that oily consistency.

Lube and condoms:

Condoms cannot be used with oil-based lubes (petroleum jelly, coconut oil, what have you) because oil causes the latex to disintegrate. It can be fun to watch this happen, but you know what’s not fun? Realizing that you might have been exposed to an STI or sperm because the condom dissolved.

Lube and anuses:

Many people prefer to choose a thicker, longer-lasting lube for their anal sex needs, because anuses don’t self-lubricate and so you’ll want something that can last the entire length of the sex act.

Make sure never to use “numbing” products that claim to make anal sex easier, because if you (or your partner) can’t feel the pain, you won’t know if and when you’re seriously injuring yourself.

Lube and toys:

If you’re not sure what material your sex toys are made of, now would be a good time to check. Some silicone toys are incompatible with some silicone-based lubes – the toy may become permanently sticky or tacky in the place where the lube touched it. If you’re not sure, do a spot test on the base of the toy and wait a few minutes to see if anything disastrous happens. In any case, water-based lube is probably a better choice for you if you use silicone toys a lot.

If a toy is made of glass, stainless steel, wood, or plastic, however, then have no fear – just about any kind of lube should work on these toy materials. But again, if ever in doubt, do a spot test.

My lube recommendations:

Water-based: Blossom Organics, a Canadian-made, female-oriented, aloe-heavy lube that’s very soothing and has a realistic texture.

Silicone-based: Pjur Bodyglide, a sexy, smooth lube that is my go-to choice for handjobs especially.

Oil-based: unrefined coconut oil, available at your local health food store. Can conveniently double as a moisturizer, hair conditioner, even deodorant.

If you have a sex-related question for me, please don’t hesitate to ask!