Monthly Faves: Bruises, Tongues & Glitter

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November was possibly the most sexually active month of my year so far, so that’s pretty rad. Here are some of the things that made that possible…

 

Sex toys

• I had loaned out my Pure Wand to a friend, and when she returned it to me mid-month, I sure made up for lost time. I used it on myself during a threesome, and during many a solo sexytime session thereafter. It still provides a more intense sensation than I usually find pleasurable, but when I get into the right mood for it, nothing else will do.

• I bought a Fucking Sculptures Double Trouble this month. (Yes, feel free to “ooh” and “aah” here.) Mine is blue because it was the last remaining toy from the limited-edition “Dreamy Daze” batch Fucking Sculptures made in May. Swooooon. I will review it, eventually, when I can pry myself away from it for long enough to write a review…

• It’s hard to come up with a 3rd item for this list, because I honestly didn’t use a lot of toys this month. But I did have one particularly memorable session with the Tantus Uncut #1 that reminded me how lovely it is. Unf, dat foreskin.

 

Fantasy fodder

• I bought a Bright Desire subscription and I’m so very glad I did. Hot female-gaze-oriented porn filled with cuties. A database easily searchable by keyword. Behind-the-scenes director’s comments available for practically every clip, incase you’re a porn nerd (which I am). Too too too good.

• Please help me: I still have fantasies about a hot guy from my past who turned out to be a total asshole. He’s just… so… attractive. Do you ever struggle with this dilemma? Does it leave you feeling guilty and depleted after you come incredibly hard? ‘Scuse me, I’ll just be over here in the corner, hanging my head in shame.

• Remember that Danny Wylde/Dylan Ryan scene I’ve been obsessed with for literal years? Yep, still in love. I pulled it out a few times when I was having trouble reaching orgasm, and it always helped. How are these two SO HOT? How is that amount of sexual chemistry even legal?!

 

Sexcetera

• After feeling kind of “meh” about cunnilingus for the past year, I got some incredible head from two different guys this month, and remembered how much I love it. I still haven’t come from oral in about a year and a half, but I’m confident that it will happen one of these days…

• At various times this month, I had a bite mark on my neck, a bruise on my breast, and scratches up and down my torso. Only two out of those three were actually sex-related, but, damn, still pretty neat.

• I got spanked a lot this month. Hell yes. Isn’t it fantastic when you find someone who loves to do the things you love to have done to you (or vice versa)?!

 

Femme stuff

• I bought my metallic blue Doc Martens when I was 18. I don’t know when or why they fell out of my regular shoe rotation, but it’s a travesty that they did. I pulled them out again for Playground Prom and now I kinda wanna wear them every day. How can you ever be sad when your feet look like laser beams?

• I’ve been really into sequins lately. As above, this was also kickstarted by Playground Prom, where the theme was “glitter Candyland masquerade.” I went shopping for New Year’s Eve clothes with a femme friend and bought a gold sequinned tube top, because I am a 16-year-old girl from 1984, apparently.

• Very, very enamored with EmMeMa’s lingerie. Also, she’s a total sweetheart. You should buy pretty things from her!

 

What were your November favorites?

Interview: Sophie Delancey from The Art of Blowjob

Sophie Delancey is one of the awesomest babes I know. As VP of The Art of Blowjob and The Art of Cunnilingus, she makes (and sometimes performs in!) ridiculously hot oral sex porn. She’s also one of the founders and hosts of Tell Me Something Good here in Toronto, and she does burlesque. What a hard-workin’ fox!

I’ve been wanting to profile some of the wonderful sex-positive folks I know, and Sophie’s the first person I’m interviewing for this series. I hope you feel inspired by her hustle and hotness – I know I do!

Girly Juice: What’s your official title?

Sophie Delancey: I’m the Vice President of our group of websites, and I’m specifically functioning as the sex educator for TheArtofBlowjob.com’s new educational series.

GJ: What does your day-to-day work entail?

SD: What doesn’t it entail? I take care of all of our PR, social media, any writing for the sites/blogs/other sources, handle our business-to-business work, direct/edit/perform from time to time, research/write/record the educational updates, spearhead new projects and generally serve as the voice and first line of contact for the sites.

GJ: What makes Art of Blowjob/Art of Cunnilingus notably different from all the other oral sex porn that’s out there?

SD: We just try to focus on the sensuality and simple beauty of the act. Our filming, editing and shooting experience is all about just gently accentuating what’s so awesome about taking your time to focus on oral sex instead of rushing through it like more goal-oriented sexual scripts. Orgasms are awesome, so are other sex acts, but sometimes the joy is really the ride. We want to do one thing and do it well!

GJ: What is it about oral sex in particular that you find so intriguing?

SD: I love both giving and receiving, putting that together or separating the two. I have a huge oral fixation and I love getting up close and personal with my partner’s body and taking it all in. It’s like sensory overload. I love being overwhelmed. Giving oral sex means enjoying the pleasure of giving pleasure in and of itself, devoting yourself to exactly what makes your partner feel amazing, honing your skills and really devoting yourself to the experience. Receiving means being present in your body, losing the shame that a lot of us have around our genitals, giving yourself over to the experience, finding out what works for you, being a bit selfish and just getting in touch with your sensual self.

GJ: What’s the best part of your job?

SD: I’m loving the educational series on The Art of Blowjob, which is also forthcoming on The Art of Cunnilingus in the next month or so. Breaking down every little tip, technique, piece of advice, trick, communication stumbling block… It’s amazing how much there is to oral sex. I have always loved the times I’ve gotten to give advice/sex education, so this is definitely my strong point.

GJ: And what’s the worst part of your job?

SD: Probably when people make all of the sexist assumptions that people make about women who work in porn… Luckily I’ve got so much support in my life for what I do that it makes it a lot easier to shrug it off.

GJ: What would be your advice for someone who wants to do similar work to what you’re doing?

SD: Diversify! Get a whole bunch of skills. If you want to work in porn, you should probably know how to direct, edit, write, update social media, dabble with web/graphic design, talk a good game about sexuality and have new, interesting ideas. It sounds overwhelming, but jobs in porn (and the arts, politics, non-profits… All the weirder industries!) rely on versatility and people who are really passionate/motivated.

Thanks so much to Sophie Delancey for giving us a glimpse into her work life and sex life! Make sure to check out her fine work at The Art of Blowjob and The Art of Cunnilingus.

Let’s Talk About Terminology: Oral Sex For Ladies

(Blogger note: sorry for the dearth of sex toy reviews recently! I am waiting on a bunch of toy shipments at the moment. Don’t worry your pretty little head – I’ll be back to talking about dildos and vibrators on the regs in no time!)

There are so many ways in which misogyny manifests itself in our culture – ugh, so very many! – and language is definitely one of those. In fact, that’s one of the main reasons I decided to start this feature: to dissect sexist language conventions.

You can observe this shit in the different terms for oral sex performed on a man and on a woman. The gents have cool nouns like “blowjob,” “hummer,” and “brain.” They have great verb phrases like “sucking cock” and “giving head.” And there are specific terms for individual BJ techniques like “deepthroating” and “teabagging.” (By the way, if any of those look unfamiliar to you, get yo’ ass to Urban Dictionary, stat!)

What do we ladies have? Well, there’s the über-clinical “cunnilingus,” which is a fabulous word but not always practical in casual, heat-of-the-moment situations. There’s “eating pussy,” “eating out,” and “going down,” which are fine but sort of standard and boring (plus I really don’t like the word “eating” being used in sex terms unless there is actual eating involved). There are goofy slang terms that no one takes seriously, like “eating a box lunch” or “dining at the Y.” And as for non-clinical nouns, there isn’t a good one. “Tongue job” is the closest I’ve found, and I think it can be kind of hot in the right context, but mostly it’s still the sort of thing that elicits laughter rather than dirty thoughts.

So how do we remedy this slang situation? I propose a two-part plan…

First, reclaim non-gendered slang. I love the phrase “getting head” (or giving it) as a gender-neutral term for oral sex. There’s no reason why it ought to be gendered; oral sex, after all, involves somebody’s head and somebody’s genitals, regardless of whether those genitals are a penis or a vulva (or something in between!). Some people use “giving face” as the female equivalent of “giving head,” but whatever, bro. I don’t see why a distinction is necessary.

Second, make up your own slang terms and spread ‘em around. That’s what I try to do with “tongue job.” I’d love to hear your ideas for pussy-munchin’ vocabulary. In fact, I’d love to see the whole sex blogosphere agree on a few terms for cunnilingus and start propagating the hell out of them!

Photo credit: I can’t figure out who did the modifying, but it’s an altered version of this image from Comically Vintage!

Review: JeJoue SaSi

Imagine how you would feel about a lover who was totally inept at getting you off, who always seemed to change their technique just as you were getting close to coming, and who approached your genitals with a grimace of apprehension, and you’ll understand how I feel about the JeJoue SaSi.

Several years old and probably discontinued by now (though still available through Sex Toys Canada), the SaSi seemed unbelievably innovative when it first launched. It’s an oral sex simulator consisting of a small ball moving around underneath a silicone covering in various patterns that are meant to be tongue-like. Most notably, you can actually “program” the SaSi using its “skip” and “don’t stop” buttons, so it’ll learn what kind of patterns you like and give you more of those.

In theory? Bravo, JeJoue, you brilliant geniuses! In practice? Ugh, fuck you, SaSi, I hate you.

Problem number one: the motions kind of suck (and not in the “oh, yeah, suck on my clit just like that” way, unfortunately). They’re random, erratic, and weird. My inner labia and the sides of my clit have never gotten so much lovin’ in their life – which is great for them, I guess, but those aren’t the most responsive parts of my pussy. There are only a few patterns that focus on the top-centre of my clit where most of my sensitivity is, and none of them are a steady back-and-forth or up-and-down motion. This makes no sense.

Problem number two: the ball is too damn slow. It has three speeds and even the highest one feels merely like teasing and not like actual competent tonguing.

Problem number three: the SaSi does have vibration in addition to its minuscule movements, and you’d think vibes would improve the sensation, but I actually can’t feel the ball moving when the vibrations are on. I suspect this is because the ball can barely be felt when the vibrations aren’t on.

To the SaSi’s credit, it’s an elegant-looking toy, it feels relatively ergonomic in my hand (like a computer mouse!), and its silicone covering is removable so you can wash and sterilize it without ruining the rest of the toy. These are all good things, but they’re not enough to make SaSi a good or even passable sex toy.

If you want an oral sex simulator that may actually be able to get you off, try the Sqweel 2 or the oscillating mode on the Jimmyjane Form 2. But please, for the love of all things sexy and orgasmic, do not buy the SaSi. It is 100% frustrating and cruel.

Thanks, Sex Toys Canada!

Silly Search Terms

When I installed a stat counter on my website, it was only because certain toy retailers wanted to know how many hits my blog gets. I had no idea that it would result in endless amusement for me.

You might say, “But GJ, statistics aren’t funny!” And you’d be right. But you know what are funny? The phrases people type into Google that lead them to stumble upon my site.

I’m not at all intending to make fun of these people – I think it’s awesome that they’re being pro-active and trying to find whatever it is they want. I just thought I’d share some of my favorite search terms with you, and perhaps speculate as to their meanings. I’m not going to edit any spelling or grammar, because often it’s better that way.

1. why are boys so obsessed with cullingus
Setting aside the word “cullingus,” which sounds like either an inconvenient disease or a bland cauliflower dish – I want to know this girl. I want to know what events in her life have led her to this conclusion. Is she constantly being begged by boyfriends to let them go down on her? Has she encountered exclusively cunnilingus porn and gotten the idea that it’s the main kind? Does she just have really awesome selective perception? I’m intrigued.

2. why is my penis smaller when im tired
Is this a thing? I just asked my boyfriend if his gets smaller when he’s tired, and he said, “Um… I’ve never particularly noticed that.” Have you guys heard of this?

3. rubbing own clitoris during sex
This is actually a really common one. I guess either a lot of women are trying to figure out if it’s normal/okay for them to do this, or a lot of men are worried about whether their girlfriends’ pleasure-seeking means their penises are defective. For all you folks out there who might be inclined to Google something like this: it’s okay to incorporate clit stimulation into intercourse! In fact, most women need it to reach orgasm.

4. quietest tenga egg
I laughed. Tenga Eggs are fuckin’ loud. My boyfriend describes it as a “squitching” noise (not squishing, but squitching). FYI, anonymous searcher, the VerSpanken is practically silent, so go nuts.

5. pad porn
I’m not sure if this person was searching for Crash Pad Series clips or if they actually just want to see porn involving menstrual pads. Either way, I applaud them.

6. my boyfriend makes me wear a harness
Dude, that doesn’t sound consensual. Communication is important, and consent is crucial! Not cool.

7. is it easy for a beginner to rub their clit
It’s pretty self-explanatory, yeah.

8. I a man and I want a cock vibrater
I love this guy’s assertion and self-assuredness. No beating around the bush here!

9. how to make a bisexual raver girl like me?
If you ever find out, bro, make sure you let me know.

10. he likes to caress his uncut cock
The usage of the word “caress” is what makes this great, especially when you consider that the definitions of “caress” all involve the idea of showing affection to whatever you’re caressing. This dude really loves his uncut cock. Fantastic.

11. handjob empty completely balls
Is it just me, or does this sound like a porn parody of Yoda?

12. cute awkward girl porn
Is this a new porn genre, in the era of “cute awkward girls” like Zooey Deschanel and Alison Pill? Do we have a collective cultural desire to see dorky girls get ploughed? I’d be down for that.

13. control my boyfriend with handjobs
Is this consensual? ‘Cause if so, it sounds hot.