8 Ways to Explore a Sexual Fantasy (Without Actually Doing It)

Sex can be scary! I find straight-up vanilla sex intimidating sometimes – bodies and expectations and insecurities, oh my! – and kink can be even moreso. Especially when I’m thinking about introducing a brand-new activity into the equation.

It’s often easier to introduce a new kink act to a partner, I find, if you’ve previously explored that act in other ways. It’s a bit like how you’d probably practice a striptease in the mirror a few times before debuting it for your partner: you want to get comfortable with it yourself before exposing it to the eyes of others.

With that in mind, here are 8 ways you can explore that new fantasy that’s been bouncing around your brain – without actually going whole-hog and doing the damn thing. You can always get to that part later, if you want!

Fantasize about it. This is, of course, a common way to flesh out any new ambition, sexual or otherwise. Some science suggests fantasizing even helps you actualize your desires, like how some athletes visualize winning before they even get on the field, and have noticeably better results when they do. Play with your new kink in your mind while you masturbate, and see how it feels. If it turns you on as much as you had hoped, that might be a green light for you to bring it up with your partner(s)!

Journal about it. Whenever I’m considering making a change in my life, I find it helpful to write out all my thoughts about it. If you’re intrigued by a kink that’s new to you, you might want to spend some time unpacking why this kink intrigues you. You could also make a pros and cons list, write a script for how you’ll bring up this desire to your partner, or even write some spicy erotica featuring your kink of choice. All these approaches will help acclimatize you to a scary new sexual ambition.

Talk to someone about it. If you have a non-judgmental friend who’d be willing to hear you out, you might find it comforting and clarifying to discuss your new desire with them. You could also call a service like Peachbooth (which is free!), where a dirty-minded professional will talk out your fantasy with you or even roleplay the scenario of your dreams. You know a pro won’t judge your kink or rebuff you for bringing it up, so this can be a safe and comfortable first step into your new kink.

Listen to someone else talk about it. Search for Peachbooth clips about your kink of choice, and you’ll get to hear other people discussing it like it’s no big deal – not to mention hot. This can help normalize your new desire in your mind, so you won’t feel so scared to bring it up “in real life.” There are also tons of sex podcasts (look ’em up on iTunes or another fave podcatcher) which can serve the same purpose.

Read instructional books about it. There are so many great kink books out there. Type the name of your new kink – or some adjacent search terms – into Amazon or another bookseller, and see what comes up. Books are helpful not only for fantasy purposes but also for general safety and preparedness: if you’re pursuing a potentially dangerous kink like fireplay or knifeplay, you’ll want to know what the risks and best practices are before you attempt it!

Watch porn about it. We live in the era of internet porn – might as well take advantage of that! As per the infamous Rule 34, if you can conceive of a subject, there exists porn about it. Get on Google, or your favorite porn site, and do a search for whatever naughty notion is occupying your mind. You might learn something new about the activity you’re looking to explore – or about yourself!

Read erotic literature about it. Flip through erotica anthologies at the bookstore, do a search on Literotica, or even browse a fanfiction site like Archive of Our Own. Text-based erotic media can be more illuminating than traditional porn because you get a glimpse into the characters’ minds and motivations, which might help you understand your newfound desires more deeply. (Plus, how fun is it to read about Sherlock Holmes getting pegged or flogged or fucked by tentacles or whatever?!)

Talk dirty about it during sex. Even if you’re not brave enough yet to put on that schoolgirl costume and hand your partner a wooden ruler (for example), you can still weave pieces of that fantasy into your sex life together. You could gasp “Have I been a bad girl?” in between kisses, or drop a “Sir” into your dialogue and see how your beau reacts. This is a lower-pressure approach than rolling out a detailed script and storyline for the fantasy you hope to enact.

How do you like to explore a new kink before you try it out in real life?

 

This post was generously sponsored by the folks at Peachbooth. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

3 Sexual Fantasies I Hope to Act Out Someday

One of the best things about working in sex media: you’re constantly exposed to new kinks and scenarios, and therefore, if you’re lucky, you’re constantly coming up with new sexual fantasies to lust after.

I know what my main kinks are – the basic building blocks of my psychosexual makeup – but I’m always adding new things to my peripheral list of “hmm, maybe someday” kinds of kinks. Whether I’m reading fanfiction or classy erotica, watching art porn or raunchy amateur clips, discussing friends’ recent sexploits or telling them about mine, I’m always filling my head with new ideas for my “fucket list.”

Here are 3 fantasies I’m slightly fixated on lately…

An MFM threesome. I’ve had several threesomes, but all were with a man + either a non-binary person or another woman. They were all absolutely delightful, but gosh, I’d love to be the focus of two dudes’ focus at once. Maybe a dominant guy would tell a submissive guy what to do to me; maybe one dude would worshipfully go down on me while the other fucked my face; maybe we’d even work our way up to double penetration. (Ambitious!) Whatever the situation, I bet I’d love being the centre of attention.

Professor/schoolgirl roleplay. Maybe I’ve watched too much dialogue-heavy situational European porn, or maybe it’s just my inner teacher’s pet showing, but I’ve always had a thing for sexy teacher/student dynamics. I fetishize red apples used as ballgags and wooden rulers thwacked against nubile butts. I feel sexiest and sassiest in short thigh-baring skirts, and I get a little weak in the knees for tweed blazers with elbow patches. Someday I hope a well-dressed domly person (consensually) bends me over a wooden desk, tells me I’ve been a bad girl, and gives me an opportunity to earn some extra credit…!

Erotic massage. For as long as I can remember, I’ve eroticized the idea of someone deftly and expertly getting me off, like it’s their fuckin’ job – and in this fantasy, it is. Depending on my mood, sometimes I picture the masseuse actually finding me attractive and getting turned on in a highly unprofessional way – or sometimes I just want them to be stony and stoic, stroking me on autopilot until I fall apart. Either way, it’s a fantasy so hot that I tense up from arousal… and probably need a good massage to work out those kinks, if you know what I’m sayin’.

What fantasies are haunting your sex-brain recently?

 

This post was generously sponsored by the folks at PornDoe, and as always, all writing and opinions are my own!

What I’m Into: Sex as a Service

I think I’ve always had a thing for sexual servitude. I remember feverishly reading fanfiction as a young teen and experiencing a surge of arousal when words like “deftly” and “expertly” were used. Something about the idea of being skilfully, deliberately serviced was really appealing to my adolescent brain. And it still is.

The movie Hysteria fanned the flames for me. It’s hardly intended to be sexy, but Hugh Dancy as a doctor giving frustrated women “hysterical paroxysms” with his hand or a crude vibrator? Oh, swoon. Gimme some of that. (I know the whole idea of “female hysteria” is incredibly sexist and problematic. But, like Dylan Ryan says: your fantasy life is your fantasy life.)

Nowadays my fantasies often drift to service-related scenarios:

• The aforementioned hysteria doctors – dressed in full garb complete with lab coats and stethoscopes, of course – being perfectly on time for our appointment and dedicating several minutes of focused attention to bringing me to orgasm. Bonus points if there is a speculum involved.

Hired escorts (male or female or sometimes one of each). In this fantasy I am typically a total pillow princess and just lay back while things are done to me. Maybe a domineering fuck while I’m sensory-deprived and tied up. Maybe a service-top scenario, where I’m only allowed to come when I’m told (but I will definitely come at some point). Maybe a long, slow massage with a happy ending. Hoooo boy.

• Rachel Kramer Bussel’s excellent story about a restaurant where women can receive oral sex from trained providers in a back room in between courses. (Dear RKB: Can we get together for cupcakes and an extended discussion of spanking and submission? Because I feel like we are totally on the same page about all of those things. Sincerely, GJ, your adoring fan.)

• A dutiful slaveboy who lives to please his mistress. Ideally one who prides himself on his stellar oral sex skills. I read a story (maybe in the anthology Tasting Her? which is also a Rachel Kramer Bussel publication?) where this male sub is so proud of his cunnilingual abilities that his domme decides to offer his services to a slew of other dommes at a sex conference party. Um. Sign me up.

Servitude is one of those strange fantasies that would never appeal to me in real life, at least not nearly as much as it does in my head. If I get the slightest inkling that my partner isn’t into what they’re doing or isn’t attracted to me, my arousal deflates like a punctured blow-up doll. I’m sure plenty of escorts, erotic masseuses and phone sex operators are skilled at creating the illusion of mutual enthusiasm, and I’m sure their customers love that, but I’m not sure I’d ever be able to relax enough to enjoy myself.

For now, though? I’m happy to fantasize about Dr. Hugh Dancy jerking me off under a medical blanket like he’s done it to hundreds of other women before me. Oh, doctor, you sure do know what you’re doing.

This post was made possible by the lovely folks at Babes of London! Kisses!

How to Repopulate Your Sexual Fantasies

I bet you can tell, dear readers, that sometimes when I write posts that are ostensibly for you, they are actually for me. “Teach what you need to learn,” as the saying goes.

My sexual fantasy life has been seriously lacklustre as of late. I don’t think of myself as a frequent fantasizer, so I wouldn’t have guessed that this would have such an effect on me, but I’m finding that my orgasms are harder to achieve and that I’ll get 30 seconds into a masturbation session before thinking, “This isn’t that fun. Do I really want to do this?” This happens because my noggin’s devoid of sexy thoughts and images, so I don’t feel sexy.

Aside from general sexual ruts, another good time to repopulate your fantasy world is when you’ve recently gone through the break-up of a sexual relationship – whether that relationship was romantic in nature or just a fuck-buddy type of situation. When you’ve been fantasizing about the same person for ages and then suddenly find you can’t think about that person without wanting to burst into tears, you may find it difficult to get into a sexy headspace.

Well, here I come to save you from your orgasmless misery. Here are my best tips on how to revitalize your sexual fantasies when they’re lacking or in need of a serious overhaul.

1. Watch porn.

Well, duh.

If you’ve already been trying to do this and it hasn’t been working as well as you’d like, I suggest trying a type of porn you don’t usually go for. Maybe something plot-heavy and romantic, or something featuring a different configuration of bodies/genitals than you’ve liked in the past. You never know what could get your gears turning.

2. Look up explicit fanfiction of your favorite fandoms.

Surely there is a TV show, movie, book, or play that you love which features a couple who either a) are really fucking sexy or b) would be really fucking sexy if they actually got together. (Harry and Draco, anyone?)

Archive of Our Own and FanFiction.net are two major hotspots, and if your fandom is popular enough, there may also be fanfiction communities for it on Tumblr. Look for stories marked “explicit” or “smut” or use the aforementioned websites’ filtering functions to seek out those stories for you. Scroll until you spot a pairing that riles you up, and then read, read, read.

3. Ponder the fuckable strangers and acquaintances in your life.

There are sort of two schools of thought on this: some people think it’s creepy as hell to masturbate to folks you know in real life, while some people think it’s natural and there’s nothing wrong with it.

If you don’t find it creepy, or you think you can get past the weird feeling long enough to rub one out, I recommend it. Remember: your fantasy life is 100% private unless you decide to share it with someone. Masturbating to the thought of someone isn’t a violation of that person, unless you do something creepy like tell them you masturbate to the thought of them (which you probably shouldn’t ever do unless the two of you are already fucking each other).

4. Fuck hot celebrities in your mind.

Surely most of you have already done this, right?

5. Read good erotica.

Online, there’s Literotica, which is a bit of a disorganized mess and can be hit-or-miss in terms of writing quality, but also has tons of goldmines to discover.

If you are a bibliophile, here are some erotic anthologies I recommend: the Best Bisexual Women’s Erotica series, the Best Women’s Erotica series (or anything Violet Blue has ever edited, for that matter), Lust, and Sometimes She Lets Me.

6. Make a list of sexual acts you find interesting, and fantasize about those.

MojoUpgrade is a cool resource for ideas for your list. Here’s another one. Keep in mind that your fantasy life is different and separate from your real life, so you can (and maybe should!) fantasize about things that you’re unsure you’d actually want to do IRL.

If it helps, combine this tip with numbers 3 and 4: picture doing all this hot stuff with cute celebrities or people you know.

7. Imagine you’re someone else.

Your fantasies have no limitations – or, rather, the only limitation is your own capacity for creativity. You can be and do whatever and whoever you want, so why not try putting yourself in someone else’s shoes? Try gender-swapping, or insert yourself into a power-play scenario that you likely won’t get to try in real life (student/teacher? parent/babysitter? patient/doctor?).

8. Consume sexual resources to get more ideas.

Right now I’m really digging Tina Horn’s podcast, Why Are People Into That?, which is exactly what it sounds like. The discussions are analytical and intellectual and very inspiring.

Instructional sex books can also give you plenty of ideas. I like The Guide to Getting It On, Sex is Fun, The Whole Lesbian Sex Book, and The Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus. (Pro tip: a lot of Violet Blue’s instructional books, including the cunnilingus guide just mentioned, have short erotica stories sprinkled throughout that are relevant to the topic at hand. They are always ridiculously hot. I recommend!)

What do you do when your well of sexual fantasies has run dry?

10 Juicy Challenges for Masturbation Month

Yes, it’s finally here! May is Masturbation Month. Pull out your bullets and eggs. Plug in your Hitachi. Lube up your dildo. Get ready to come! And if you feel like mixing up your routine, here are some ways you can challenge yourself to masturbate better, stronger, faster. I’ll certainly be trying these out and I hope you will too! Feel free to report back in the comments section.

1. Switch up your timing. Are you a let’s-get-‘er-done masturbator? If so, take the time to tease yourself up to a long, slow climax. Alternatively, if you’re already slow at jerkin’ it, try to break your personal record. Can you get off in under five minutes? How about one minute?

2. Switch up your stimulus. Whatever you use to “warm yourself up,” whether it be porn, erotica, light teasing touches, or nothing at all, I want you to try out a new method that you’ve barely dabbled in before. See how it affects your sexual response.

3. Switch up your tools. If you are a vibrator-only type of gal, I want you to work at using your fingers to get yourself off this month! Also consider trying out completely new-to-you textures and materials – a ribbed glass dildo, a clit pump, an oscillating massager, whatever works! Never tried a sex toy before? Now is the time!

4. Switch up your location. Get out of bed, ditch your computer chair, and go find a spot that’s a little more challenging. I’m not suggesting you whip it out in front of a crowd of schoolchildren, but maybe you could get busy with yourself on a rooftop, in a friend’s bathroom, in a sketchy porn shop viewing booth, or up in a tree. The possibilities are endless. And hey, if you’ve never masturbated in the bath before, try it, it’s great.

5. Switch up your method. That one technique that works for you and gets you off every time? Throw it out the window for a little while. See if you can find something that works just as well. MyMasturbation.com has zillions of techniques listed, if you’re at a loss!

6. Switch up your thinking. Do you think of masturbation as strictly utilitarian, like I (sometimes) do? Maybe start viewing it as a way of honouring your body for all that it does for you. Or as a way of thanking the universe for giving you the ability to feel pleasure. Or as a way to be self-sufficient and to not need anyone else to turn your crank for you.

7. Switch up your audience. Is your teddy bear the only one who gets to see you jerk off? Maybe you should do something about that. Cam4 and similar sites can feel a bit off-putting at first, because of the hordes of voyeuristic straight guys who will shout commands at you… but if you just ignore them and put on a show (which doesn’t have to feature your face at all), you may find that you enjoy playing to a crowd.

8. Switch up your fantasies. If you’re not sure where to start with this one, I highly recommend picking up a book of kinky erotica – they’re full of fresh ideas. You could also just pick a celebrity you find extremely sexy and imagine them fucking you in a variety of creative ways…

9. Switch up your inhibitions. I want you to talk to at least one person about masturbation this month – one person you’ve never spoken to about this subject before. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, and the more we open up about it like it’s nothing, the more it’ll start to feel that way for everyone. Even if you just tell a new friend about a nifty sex toy you saw online, that’s still a step in the right (sex-positive) direction!

10. Switch up your orgasms. Ever tried to have multiple orgasms? How about a G-spot orgasm? Squirting? Prostate play (if you’re a fella)? Ever wondered if you can come from extended nipple stimulation? Or from squeezing your thighs together? Or from thought alone? There are so many ways to orgasm, and most of us limit ourselves to only one or two orgasmic avenues. Branch out!

Readers: How will you be challenging your masturbatory habits this month? Let us know how it goes!