Review: Fuze Foreman

“If my dick was a dildo, would you give it a good review?”

You can file this question under “things people ask sex toy reviewers that they would never think to ask anyone else.” You can also file it under “questions you should think carefully before answering truthfully.”

‘Cause let’s be real. Flesh-and-blood penises rarely hit my G-spot unrelentingly like the Pure Wand, stroke my A-spot thrillingly like the Tsunami, or fill me up like the Eleven. They don’t, because they can’t. It would be physiologically unthinkable. And that’s fine. Dicks are fantastic, and sex toys are fantastic, and there’s not a perfect overlap between their arenas of usefulness, but of course there wouldn’t be. Sex toys don’t respond to the touch of my tongue, moan in my ear, read my responses to discern what I’ll want next, call me a good girl, or smack me around. Sex toys are not the partner I want; they are tools that can be used by me, or by my partner(s), to give me particular sensations that I want. Human beings are more than the physical sensations they provide.

I bring this up to help explain: if the Fuze Foreman was a flesh-and-blood dick attached to someone I liked – or even a strap-on dick worn by someone I liked – I would adore it. But it’s not; it’s a piece of silicone I fuck myself with, and I have different standards for those than I do for phalluses cute people fuck me with.

In my orgasm spreadsheet (nerd!), the Foreman only appears in the “dildo” column alongside other dildos, never by itself. The reason for this: I get bored of it quickly, and switch to other toys in due course. Its 1.43″ diameter is small compared to the dildos I love most, and with just 5.5″ of useable length, it barely grazes my A-spot and can’t consistently stroke it in the way that I like.

It’s designed to look like an uncircumcised penis. Aesthetically, I appreciate this; in use, not so much. The “foreskin” makes the head of this dildo smoother and less pronounced than more G-spotty realistic dildos, so there’s none of that popping sensation that a more defined head provides for my G-spot. The Foreman feels okay, especially if I’m fantasizing about getting fucked by someone mega-cute, but there are so many other options that feel so much better to me. My vagina is a busy lady and has no time for subpar penetration.

However, I’m an optimist (a cocktimist?), so I found a silver lining: I loooove the Foreman for blowjobs. If you are in the market for a dildo to put in your mouth – whether it’s going to be strapped onto someone else at the time, or you just want the solo sensory satisfaction of suckin’ on a dong – realistic Fuze dildos are some of my favorites to suggest. The glossy-versus-matte ratio of their silicone feels fairly realistic, especially when wet and heated, and the various veins and imperfections are a treat for the tongue. I’ve been practicing my deepthroating on the Foreman recently, and it gives me a lot of the same pleasure I get from blowing a human. Plus it looks remarkably realistic in beej-themed cam shows and Snapchat clips.

Like many Fuze dildos, the Foreman is also optimized for strap-on play. It’s designed to angle upward in the way erect factory-installed dicks often do, and it’s got a ridged base so the wearer gets some clitoral friction during use. It’s even got a little hole at the base that a bullet vibe can go into… although, honestly, I mostly use that as a finger-hole while blowing this dildo, like it’s a bowling ball. (Or a “blowing” ball?! Har-de-har-har…)

When I want to get properly fucked by a silicone dick, I’ll still reach for my Mustang, Maverick, Sam, or Uncut. They all hit my spots more accurately and fill me up more satisfyingly than the Foreman does. But when I’m in the mood to suck a cock and there are no flesh-and-blood ones immediately available to me, I’m likelier to grab the Fuze Foreman than any of those other ones. It fits in my mouth like a dream. And it even shares a name with a certain hot doctor from House, M.D.!


Thanks very much to SheVibe for sending me this product to review!

Monthly Faves: Wooden Spoons & Booty Shorts


My therapist asks me occasionally, “Do you feel you have enough social supports in your life?” and my answer is always yes – but this month, it felt more like a resounding “FUCK YEAH!” I am so blessed to have incredible friends and a wonderful community of online followers (that’s you!). Here are some of the sexual and social highlights of my September…

Sex toys

• SheVibe sent me the new Fuze Foreman dildo to review, which I will do soon. While my vagina isn’t exactly aflutter over the Foreman, I am always pleased to see more uncircumcised dildo options on the market. It’s been ages since I’ve banged/blown someone with an intact foreskin and I miss it… but the Foreman is a suitable substitute for the time being!

• In preparation for the #BirthdayBruises spanking party (more on that later), I ordered a couple of wooden “pervertables” off Amazon: a long-handled wooden spoon and a little bamboo rice paddle. My friend Taylor also brought a long wooden shoehorn to the party. I love all sorts of spanking implements, but there is something especially cool about corrupting innocent objects into instruments of kink. A little creativity makes everything more fun.

• I used my hands quite a bit this month. Having an orgasm without any technological assistance always makes me feel like a badass. I usually find those orgasms aren’t as strong or as long-lasting as the ones I have with vibrators, but it’s still a neat talent to have in my back pocket! (Or down the front of my pants, as it were.)

Fantasy fodder

• I sexted a bit with someone this month who mentioned that having someone sit on his face is his favorite thing. It’s been many years since I’ve sat astride someone’s mouth, but I’m not necessarily opposed to it. In real life, my bad hips, bad knees, chubby body, and chronic anxiety make facesitting a nervewracking proposition – but in fantasy, at least, it can be hot as hell. Can I consensually smother a cute boy with my ladybits, please?

• My obsession with A-spot stimulation continues to haunt my sex life, both actual and imagined. For this reason, when I’m sexually interested in someone, I tend to notice the length of their fingers. And maybe think about how those fingers would feel deep inside me. And how the person’s face would look as they fucked me that way. And what they would say to me when they were about to make me come. Unf.


• As you might know, Bex and I launched our podcast this month after working on it for what feels like eons! We’ve been truly blown away by the enthusiastic reception the show has received: over 200 Twitter followers in the first three days after launch, countless supportive tweets, and lots of suggestions for topics we should cover next. If you’ve enjoyed our first couple episodes, we’d love if you could leave us a rating and review on iTunes! Thanks, babes. 💖

• For Bex’s birthday, we co-hosted a spanking party, where several of our closest friends were invited to give Bex a good smackin’ to celebrate their 25th. It was so much fun: a bunch of my favorite people, packed into a cozy Airbnb apartment, talking, laughing, playing music, and engaging in casual impact play. The whole evening made me reflect a lot on how grateful and happy I am to have built the kind of life where an event like this is commonplace. I’m surrounded by sweet, supportive sex nerds and that brings me joy every day. (If you want more juicy details on the party, check out the Storify I put together of all the tweets and Instagram posts from that evening and the planning that led up to it!)

• Many months ago, my friend Anais told me, half-jokingly, “A spanking buddy is just something everyone should have.” In the time since, I’ve often idly wished for a friend-with-benefits where the benefits are just spanking. Don’t get me wrong, I love sex – obviously – but there is something particularly delicious about a spanking just for the sake of a spanking, and not as foreplay or an accessory to bangin’. After some careful discussions of boundaries and expectations, I kinda have the spanking buddy of my dreams now, which is pretty rad.

Femme stuff

• Sometimes when I’m having a bad anxiety day, I take it out on my eyebrows, plucking hairs I shouldn’t. It leaves ’em looking sparse, but that just means I get to put more effort into filling them in with makeup and making them perfect. This month I combined Anastasia Dipbrow, Benefit Gimme Brow and a cheapo drugstore brow pencil to create sculpted brows where there was once just a couple of meager caterpillars.

• Bex wanted to hit up the Black Market while they were in town, and when we went, I fell in love with a Dr. Seuss-esque T-shirt that says “Gonna Fuck This Ham.” I pride myself on my sense of humor, but sometimes I inexplicably laugh way too much at stupid shit. This shirt filled my very soul with glee, so I had to have it, and now it’s mine.

• The Black Market also sells children’s dancewear items, which, if you can find them in a big enough size, can be worn by adults comme moi. They’re delightfully bright and sparkly. I wore a turquoise crop top and pink shorts to our spanking party, prompting a friend of mine to say upon seeing me, “The ’80s called, and they said you look great.”

Little things

Brainstorming big projects. Emotional detox. Pumpkin muffins. Protodome. Going to improv shows by myself as self-care and then treating myself to McDonald’s after. Chatting and laughing hysterically over vegan food for hours with Mia and Ben. Fantasizing about writers’ retreats. Discussing crystals, sex, and intimacy with Khadeja. Honey whiskey and apple cinnamon cider. The Blogcademy. Seth Cohen. How beautiful John and his camera make me look. Sugarpill’s “Birthday Girl” eyeshadow. Taking my friend to buy her first butt plug. Jimmy Stewart impressions. Impromptu slumber parties. Singing “Zidane to Vivi” while Brent played piano. Pesto pollo pasta and dulce de leche cheesecake at 7 West. My nice clean desk. Meeting my baby nephew for the first time. Making hilarious edits for conservative magazines (“mid-bang” to “during intercourse,” for one!). My new glasses. Demo-bottoming for a spanking class, and dreaming of doing that more.


What were your favorite Sex Thingz this month, my loves?

Dildoface: Fuze Wilde

Dildoface – Fuze Wilde from Girly Juice on Vimeo.

I love how purple eye makeup looks on me. It brings out the greenish tones in my hazel eyes, and it’s colorful and fun without seeming over-the-top.

So, obviously, when I launched this Dildoface beauty tutorial feature, the Fuze Wilde was one of the first toys I wanted to immortalize in makeup form.

This purply-blue smoky eye was fun to create, and allowed me to practice my blending skills (so much blending!!). I’m looking forward to doing this eye again for some future fancy night out!

As always, you can use whatever products you already have that are close enough to what I’m using, but here is the list of products I used in this video: Too Faced Shadow Insurance eyelid primer • Makeup Geek eyeshadow in “Wisteria” • custom palette from Morphe Cosmetics • Wet ‘n’ Wild Petal Pusher paletteELF mineral-infused face primerCovergirl 3-in-1 foundationMAC Pro Longwear concealerRimmel Stay Matte powderNYX blush in “Taupe”MAC Sheertone blush in “Blushbaby”Kat Von D Autograph pencil liner in “Homie” • Essence eyeliner pencil in black • Anastasia Dipbrow in “Dark Brown” • Covergirl Clump Crusher mascaraMAC lipstick in “Faux”

Thank you to Fuze for the beautiful Wilde! It also comes in black if that’s more up your alley.

Review: Happy Valley Fuze Harmony

The Harmony, sent to me by the lovely folks at SheVibe, is from Happy Valley’s new-ish Fuze line. You may remember that I gave away some Fuze butt plugs a few months ago; well, this is my first time trying a toy from this range, and I… well, I feel pretty ambivalent about it.

The Fuze toys all come in black 100% silicone. It’s a very dark, glossy, sexy black, but it shows every single piece of lint it collects (many). The silicone is firmer than Tantus’ blend but squishier than Lelo’s blend. It’s this firmness that led to me having a hellish experience with another Happy Valley product, the Joe Rock butt plug – but vaginally, it works better. I’ve learned that my G-spot responds more favorably to harder toys.

Speaking of my G-spot… The Harmony is supposed to target it, and sadly, it doesn’t really. The shaft’s curve is so minimal that it brushes right past my G-spot without taking the time to stimulate it. The very slight ripples on the top side of the dildo feel nice going in and out of my vag, but this is certainly no Acute or Tsunami – it does little or nothing to my G-spot.

Both the Harmony and its thicker counterpart the Wilde have a unique feature I’ve never seen anywhere else: a harness-friendly base that has ridges on the bottom. It’s meant to stimulate the clit of the person wearing the dildo in their harness, and I applaud Happy Valley for being innovative and taking risks in this arena. Do the ridges do anything for me when I rub them on my vulva? Not really. Not much more than a regular flat base does, even with lube. But I’m not an experienced harness user at all. I know plenty of people who would probably appreciate this feature a lot. (And it helps that there’s a hole for a bullet vibe at the base.)

With an insertable length of about 5 ½” and a girth of 1 ¼”, the Harmony is a good size for a warm-up dildo. And that’s primarily what I use it for: warm-up. It satisfies my vag easily for the first few minutes of jerking off, while my G-spot is starting up and I’m easing into penetration – but as soon as I start to get really aroused, I need something better. Try as I might, I can’t have blended orgasms with the Harmony, because what it does to my vagina is more like “passing through” than “rubbing and stroking.” It makes me wonder if I might prefer the Wilde after all, even though it’s larger than the toys I usually use, because the girth would please my love-starved G-spot better. Who knows?

I can recommend the Harmony to someone who wants a smallish dildo, ideally for harness use. I have a feeling I’d like it a lot more if it were strapped onto someone I love, but on its own, it just doesn’t satisfy.

Thanks very much, SheVibe!