infidelity

Ask Girly Juice: Help! My Partner Hates That I Watch Porn!

Kate Sloan

Anonymous asked: I have a problem… I watch porn from time to time and I enjoy it, but it makes my girlfriend really uncomfortable. She says it makes her feel like she’s not good enough. What can I do?

This is a really common problem, and I think it stems mostly from the cultural narrative that tells women we’re only valuable for our appearance and our sexuality. A woman who’s internalized that line of thinking is obviously going to believe that she’s essentially useless if porn is in the picture – because porn provides something sexy to look at, which our culture tells us is a woman’s purpose.

But as you know, women are almost always worth so much more than that to their partners. No one really wants to be in a relationship with a video or a picture. You can’t cuddle with on-screen porn stars, or exchange sentiments of love. Hell, you can’t even feel a porn star’s touch. It’s a completely different and separate experience from actually being with someone; the two fulfill different and separate sets of needs.

A common suggestion for people whose partners are distrustful of porn is that the two of you should watch porn together. I can see many ways this could backfire, though. Some women genuinely find porn distressing to watch, which is an issue best solved with a therapist and not a porn marathon.

She may be in need of validation, and that’s perfectly okay. Make sure you’re telling her often enough just how great she is – how sexy you think she is, how much you enjoy the sex you have with her, how beautiful her body is, and so on. Work to counteract her insecurities.

Ask her if there’s anything you can do to make her feel more loved, appreciated, and attractive. (Aside from “stop watching porn.”)

Take a long, hard look at your porn habits and make sure you’re using it healthily. Neglecting your partner for porn isn’t cool, but I’m sure you know that already. There is a line at which healthy porn consumption turns into unhealthy addiction, but most people don’t get to that point.

Finally – and I know this might be hard to contemplate – it may be that the two of you are just not compatible in this way. No one is obligated to settle for someone whose needs, desires, and dealbreakers conflict with their own. She may be able to find a partner who genuinely doesn’t watch porn, and you certainly will be able to find a partner who doesn’t mind that you watch porn or even thinks of it as a good thing. If this issue is important enough to both of you, it might be worth examining the overall worth of your relationship.

Sorry. I know that sucks. Unfortunately, though, some people are just chronically insecure and believe that the only solution is for other people to stop doing whatever triggers those feelings in them – when the real solution is for them to work on their own insecurity, something these folks are often unwilling to do.

I wish you the best of luck in this sticky situation!

Bonus reading:

• “My Boyfriend is Always Watching Porn and It Makes Me Uncomfortable!”

• Dan Savage on insecure girlfriends of porn-watching boyfriends (and again)

Does My Partner Get a Say in My Masturbatory Habits?

Kate Sloan

Sex-positivity is a relatively new movement, so there are still some conflicts floating around inside it. One of them is the fundamental discord between two ideas widely accepted as truths by the sex-poz crowd: “Your body is your own and no one can tell you what to do with it,” and “You and your sexual partner(s) need to discuss and establish boundaries that you’re both comfortable with.”

Here’s the conflict: if I have the right to masturbate, does my partner have the right to stop me?

I’m not talking about my partner specifically, mind you. My boyfriend is awesome and doesn’t care that I masturbate, even though I do it frequently and sometimes with toys that are bigger than him. But, being someone who’s often called upon to give advice to other people, I encounter this issue indirectly from time to time.

My belief is that your solo sex life is entirely your business and that your partner shouldn’t have control over it, nor should anyone else.

There are a few exceptions, though – as there always are in an issue as complicated as this.

First off, your masturbation can’t get in the way of your partnered sex life. If it does, it’s obviously fair game for your partner to criticize it. For example, if you jerk off so hard that you have death grip syndrome and it’s led to erectile dysfunction, I think your partner can request that you tone down your technique, or maybe even take a break from wanking.

Likewise, if you consistently choose masturbation over sex, to the point that your partner feels neglected, that’s probably a no-no. As is any non-necessary element of your life that leads to your partner being neglected.

I also think your partner has the right to get upset about you masturbating if the two of you have previously agreed to define masturbation as cheating in your relationship. I believe strongly that each couple gets to establish the parameters of “cheating” for themselves, and that you should stick to whatever you’ve agreed to. (Of course, you shouldn’t agree to anything you don’t actually agree with, and you shouldn’t stay in a relationship where your partner’s definition of cheating is drastically different from yours.)

And obviously, there are some activities associated with masturbation that your partner may or may not have a problem with – like watching porn, reading erotica, or engaging in voyeurism or exhibitionism online. Again, it’s up to you and your partner to establish what is and isn’t okay, and you need to agree on those limits for them to work.

But aside from those exceptions, I see no reason why anyone’s partner should get to dictate how and when they jerk off. Your body, your choice. It’s as simple as that.

You should never invalidate your partner’s feelings, but if anyone ever tells you they’re uncomfortable with you having a private solo sex life, you might need to find a gentle way to tell them to mind their own damn business.

What do you think? Do you, or should you, have control over your partner’s masturbation? What would you do if your partner wanted you to stop masturbating, or to masturbate in a different way?

Sharing the Sexy #19

Kate Sloan

• This website will deliver your sex toy purchases to your door within an hour if you live in the Toronto area. Oh my god, is this the future?!

• This poll infographic seeks to answer the question, what is and isn’t cheating?

• Ever wanted to become a sex toy reviewer like moi? Epiphora wrote a beginner’s guide and I give it an A+!

• Here’s some interesting stats about porn stars.

• This week I fell in love with Tits and Sass, a blog by and for sex workers.

• These stories about sex cults are intriguing and strange, as you might expect.

• New rumors are always cropping up about who will play Christian Grey in the 50 Shades film, and the current contender is Ed Westwick. I’d watch that.

• The genders aren’t as separate and different as you may think. Awesome!