intercourse

Ask Girly Juice: Dos and Don’ts of Lube

Kate Sloan

I volunteer regularly at a sex and relationships hotline. Many of the questions we get are repeats; a lot of people same to have the same worries and inquiries. One thing I’ve been asked on multiple occasions is, “Is it okay to use [insert substance here] as lube?” Since it’s perplexing that so many people don’t know what are and are not suitable lubricant choices, I decided to compile my knowledge on the subject here.

Lube and vaginas:

If you’re planning on having vaginal sex, avoid lubes which contain sugar and/or glycerin. These ingredients can cause nasty yeast infections because of the way they interact with the naturally occurring bacteria in a vagina. You can use flavored lube while going down on your lady, as long as you make sure that it’s free of sugar and glycerin.

This also means that you shouldn’t use chocolate, peanut butter, or any other sweet food or drink in your sexytimes if a vagina will be involved. I know it sounds sexy to dribble chocolate sauce all over your lover’s vulva and lick it off, but she won’t think it’s so sexy when she wakes up a couple days later with a raging case of the yeastie beasties.

It’s also not a great idea to use non-natural oils as lube for vaginal sex, because that kind of oil can trap bacteria in the vagina and cause infections as well. Lightweight, natural oils like coconut and grapeseed are fine, but stay away from heavier options like mineral oil/petroleum jelly. Many silicone-based lubes feel and behave like oil, so they might be a better option if you like that oily consistency.

Lube and condoms:

Condoms cannot be used with oil-based lubes (petroleum jelly, coconut oil, what have you) because oil causes the latex to disintegrate. It can be fun to watch this happen, but you know what’s not fun? Realizing that you might have been exposed to an STI or sperm because the condom dissolved.

Lube and anuses:

Many people prefer to choose a thicker, longer-lasting lube for their anal sex needs, because anuses don’t self-lubricate and so you’ll want something that can last the entire length of the sex act.

Make sure never to use “numbing” products that claim to make anal sex easier, because if you (or your partner) can’t feel the pain, you won’t know if and when you’re seriously injuring yourself.

Lube and toys:

If you’re not sure what material your sex toys are made of, now would be a good time to check. Some silicone toys are incompatible with some silicone-based lubes – the toy may become permanently sticky or tacky in the place where the lube touched it. If you’re not sure, do a spot test on the base of the toy and wait a few minutes to see if anything disastrous happens. In any case, water-based lube is probably a better choice for you if you use silicone toys a lot.

If a toy is made of glass, stainless steel, wood, or plastic, however, then have no fear – just about any kind of lube should work on these toy materials. But again, if ever in doubt, do a spot test.

My lube recommendations:

Water-based: Blossom Organics, a Canadian-made, female-oriented, aloe-heavy lube that’s very soothing and has a realistic texture.

Silicone-based: Pjur Bodyglide, a sexy, smooth lube that is my go-to choice for handjobs especially.

Oil-based: unrefined coconut oil, available at your local health food store. Can conveniently double as a moisturizer, hair conditioner, even deodorant.

If you have a sex-related question for me, please don’t hesitate to ask!

Menstrual Sex: It’s About Bloody Time!

Kate Sloan

I think the only time I’ve ever used the word “squicky” in real life was while telling my friend how my new boyfriend felt about menstrual sex. “It’s just weird for me, I guess,” I said, “because [my ex-girlfriend] was so okay with going down on me during that time of the month, and [the new boyf] is soooo not.”

It’s true – this was a tough adjustment for me. My ex had a vagina too, so she understood that menstruation isn’t such a big deal – but it wasn’t just that; she was a messy, reckless person in many ways, the type of girl to slather herself in paint and make breast prints on big pieces of watercolor paper. I think she was more inclined to “ride the crimson wave” because sexuality didn’t scare her, not even a little, not even the weird parts. My new boyfriend wasn’t like that, and his apprehension made me feel shitty about my lady-bits.

But then I rubbed off on him. Me and my relentless sex-positivity and vagina-lovin’. He must have absorbed some of my feminist unabashedness, because soon enough, his blood-related worries dissolved.

Here are some things that changed his mind, and that might change yours or your lover’s mind about period sex too:

1. Menstrual cups. Embarrassingly, I have a cup collection – two DivaCups, a Yuuki, a Lunette, and a Meluna. I just like to have a variety of color and size options – the average woman will only need one cup.

These things are great for a multitude of reasons that don’t have to do with sex – better for the environment, for the body, for the wallet (if you don’t collect them like me) – but they make sex easier too. While it is possible to have intercourse with a reusable cup in place, I don’t recommend it – I use them to facilitate oral sex instead. They keep the blood inside, so as not to freak out a partner, but they don’t dry up natural juices the way a tampon would if used in the same way. Worry-free cunnilingus, yum!

2. Menstrual sponges. I have some by Jade and Pearl – they are fairly cheap and easy to use. Truth be told, I am not a fan of sponges for everyday menstrual use – they’re not much better than tampons when it comes to body-safety and drying me out, and I find that they leak when I sneeze or laugh too hard. But! They work very well for period sex. (I’ve never used Softcups, but I hear they work just as well for this purpose.)

When inserted, sea sponges feel remarkably similar to the surrounding vaginal walls – soft, textured, and, uh, spongy. So you can tuck one up by your cervix and it’s very likely that neither you nor your partner will even be able to tell you’re on the rag. Just one word of warning: don’t go trying to pry out the sponge immediately after sex to empty it – during arousal, the cervix pulls up and back, taking any surrounding objects with it, so give it a few minutes or you might start panicking about not being able to get the damn sponge out.

3. Thick, dark towels. Really, these should be a part of everyone’s sex arsenal; if you don’t need towels at least once in a while, you’re doing it wrong, if I may say so. At the moment, I just use knockoff pashminas I don’t care about, but in the future, I’d like to upgrade to a Liberator Throe, a sex blanket that can absorb anything you squirt at it.

4. Mental preparedness. Yeah, menstruating vaginas taste a bit like iron. That taste doesn’t mean you’re getting blood in your mouth (necessarily), it just means you’re licking a healthy, normal vulva, so don’t fret.

Not everyone has to be okay with every sex act. I’m definitely not going to judge anyone who really feels that menstrual sex is not for them. But I want people to feel more equipped to have it if they want to… especially since orgasms are such a wonderful cure for cramps!

9 Inches? Who Gives a Fuck?

Kate Sloan

I’m tired of the penis size debate.

Yeah, I said it. I’m tired of those 8-inchers who think they’re great lovers just because of their measurements. I’m tired of guys with borderline micropenises constantly fretting. I’m tired of average-cocked guys desperately wondering if they’ll be able to “satisfy” their ladies. Just drop it, okay?!

Aside from much-quoted facts, like the fact that the average penis is somewhere around 5.25 inches, and trite-but-true sayings that refer to the “motion of the ocean,” it seems there isn’t much that can be said to comfort this issue. Which is why I hereby present to you my list of things that are significantly more important than penis size. Tell your anxious friends and enjoy!

1. Enthusiasm. You could be a virgin with no experience or knowledge to speak of, but as long as you’re genuinely enthusiastic about sex, you’ll be fine. Enthusiastic people learn faster and more thoroughly – and more importantly, having sex with them is fun.

2. Open-mindedness. How would you feel if your girlfriend wanted you to use a dildo on her during oral sex? What if your boyfriend wanted you to tie him up and call him a slut? What would you say if your lover relished a good hard spanking while dressed up like a nurse? Being open to sexual possibilities is one of the best qualities you can have if you want to lead an exciting life.

3. Communication skills. If you can’t tell your lover what you like, you’re never going to get it. Likewise, if you can’t really listen to and absorb what your lover requests, you’re never going to fully satisfy them. Get good at talking and listening, and at doing so without shame or apprehension, and you will have exponentially better sex than most people are having.

4. Attentiveness. Are you attuned enough that you can detect the difference between your lover’s pleasure noises and their pain noises? Of course, much of the burden rests on them to let you know when something has gone awry, but you still have to be aware of what’s going on. Attentiveness also means you’re aware of when something is working for your partner, and you file away that piece of information for later use. Does she like circles on her clit hood? Remember that, and make use of it. She’ll thank you profusely.

5. The “motion of the ocean.” Yes, this is a major cliché, but it is important. Some women like rough jackhammering right on their G-spot, some prefer gentle thrusts that shallowly stroke the vaginal opening, and there are all sorts of combinations in between. Sex isn’t just about the in-and-out; mix it up, try things out, be creative with your cock!

6. Generosity. I contemplated making “tongue and finger skills” a point on this list, but really, oral and manual prowess will come naturally over time if you are a sexually generous person. It’s more important that you want it – you’ll develop your skills along the way, but your desire to be generous is the hottest thing of all.

7. A sense of humor. Sex is fun and often kind of funny. Sleeping with someone who understands this is a total delight. Don’t make it into some serious affair; it shouldn’t be arduous work.

8. Confidence. If you really do feel insecure about the size of your peen, don’t let it show. “Fake it ‘til you make it,” as they say. Insecurity is never sexy – and you have no reason to be insecure, anyway, as long as you take into consideration what I’ve written in this post. No one’s going to get mad if you’re not a sex god right away, so quit freaking out and just rock it.

You know you’re a sex nerd when…

Kate Sloan

…you use the words “cunnilingus” and “fellatio” all the time in regular conversation.

…you’re taken aback by any woman who’s upset she can’t climax from intercourse alone, and throw statistics at her.

…you spend a disproportionate amount of time idly surfing Lelo, Njoy, Liberator, and Jimmyjane’s websites.

…you go to a sex shop with a friend and spend the entire time doing mini-reviews of every toy you see, regardless of whether or not you yourself have used it.

…your friends know to ask you if they have a sexual problem or need a toy recommendation.

…you own both The Ultimate Guide to Fellatio and The Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus, have read both thoroughly, and lend them out as needed.

…you quote Violet Blue, Kidder Kaper, Dan Savage, and Tristan Taormino in everyday life.

…you periodically make a huge event out of putting your sex toys in boiling water to sterilize them.

…you react in utter horror to jelly toys.

…you explain to your partner, during sex, the benefits and drawbacks of the position you’re in, and suggest possible alternatives and alterations.

…you have a favorite kind of condom, and you order it in bulk online.

…you’ve repurposed your Lelo boxes into storage for lube and butt plugs.

…the slightest hesitance on your partner’s part causes you to ask them a series of questions to make sure you’re respecting their boundaries.

…you’ve done MojoUpgrade at least 5 times.

…you’ve taken one of your parents to a sex shop before, at their request.

…you know the layout of your local sex boutique so well that you’re thrown off when they change it at all.

…you know the nutritional information and caloric content of semen, menstrual blood, female ejaculatory fluid, and various kinds of flavored lube.

…you own several thick, dark, large towels.

…your first response to any plea for sexual advice is “Ask your partner what they think!”

…you know the efficacy rates of all the birth control methods off the top of your head.

…your masturbation sessions are more like lab experiments.

Review: Blossom Organics natural moisturizing lubricant

Kate Sloan

A few months ago, The Boyfriend and I stopped by our local sex shop in search of a good lube. The criteria: it must be water-based (so as to be compatible with condoms and my silicone toys), vagina-friendly (no sugars or glycerin), and have an agreeable taste, smell, and texture.

They have quite an array of lubes there, including the widely acclaimed Hathor and Sliquid, but as soon as we tried Blossom Organics, we knew we had to have it, for one key reason: it actually feels like natural vaginal lubrication. It feels like how my pussy feels when I’ve had a couple of consecutive orgasms and I’m soaking through the bedsheets. We bought it on the spot.

There’s a lot to love about this lube. First off, it’s designed by women for women, so it’s everything your vagina could possibly want – pH-balanced, irritant-free, organic, and condom- and silicone-compatible. Its main ingredient is aloe extract, meaning it’s very slippery and very soothing. To give you an idea: I used this to ease myself back into comfortable intercourse after an agonizing case of BV. Yeah, this stuff feels nice on a vagina the same way aloe gel feels nice on sunburned skin.

The slip is divine, and takes about 5 minutes to wear off if you’re not re-lubricating, making this an okay choice for dry activities like handjobs as long as you spit in your hand every few minutes (though silicone-based is probably a better choice for those purposes). Blossom’s lube smells like aloe (very mild and natural, not unpleasant at all) and has a slightly sweet taste, making it ideal if you plan on partaking in oral pleasures after using it. No objectionable chemical flavors here!

The flip-top, squeeze-bottle design is such that more lube comes out than expected, which can be tricky, but ultimately I’m still a staunch defender of the idea that too much lube is far preferable to too little.

Blossom Organics is pretty awesome – they also make a clitoral arousal gel which I may very well try next, and a moisturizing cream made specifically to ease breast exams. They seem like a real stand-up company with good values; I feel great about giving them my business.