Review: Sistalk Doctor Whale

Friends keep asking me what the deal is with the little stuffed cyclops-whale displayed in my room. “It came with a Kegel toy I’m reviewing soon,” I always say, which is a strange sentence. #SexToyReviewerLyfe, amirite?

Sistalk recently sent me their Doctor Whale vibrating Kegel exerciser – and that accompanying Doctor Whale stuffed animal. (I don’t know what he’s a doctor of, nor where he got his medical degree.) It’s a cool idea: an insertable vibrator equipped with pressure sensors, so it can vibrate your G-spot pleasurably while also guiding you through a Kegel exercise regimen and sensing how well you’re doing on your workout. The toy is controllable via an app called Monster Pub, which is also where you can set up and track your Kegel exercises. You can use Sistalk toys as regular wearable vibrators as well, controlling their vibrations via the app.

Sistalk designed this product well in some ways: its silicone is smooth and soft, it’s easy to insert, and it’s comfortable to use. The whale’s tail sits against my clit but doesn’t really vibrate it, so I’ll never have an orgasm from this toy alone, but that isn’t really its aim. The whale’s body is big enough that I can feel it when I squeeze around it, but not so big that it’s uncomfortable. To my surprise, the motor is quite good: rumbly and strong enough to please my fickle G-spot. Physically, the toy is well-thought-out.

But problems arise once you get into the Bluetooth connectivity and app-controllability. The connection between the toy and my phone is always tenuous at best, usually disconnecting after a couple minutes if not sooner. Other reviewers have experienced this issue too so I know it’s not a fluke with my particular toy. Needless to say, it’s hard to focus on a Kegel exercise routine when you’re concerned the vibe will disconnect at any moment, which it inevitably does.

The app itself is too busy, bursting with options. I’ve dated enough app developers to be able to hear their tut-tutting in my head as I flip through this app’s overburdened menus and screens. There’s also a language barrier which makes many of its instructions confusing or downright hilarious (I’m still gigglin’ about the Kegel exercise narrator telling me to squeeze my “vageena” tighter).

I think this line of toys has a lot of potential; the designers just need to fix the connectivity issues, tighten up the app, and maybe construct a more stimulating tail for this li’l whale. Until then, I recommend the We-Vibe Sync if you’re looking for an app-controllable vibrator, and a good old-fashioned pair of Kegel balls if you want to work on your pelvic musculature. Hopefully Sistalk works out the kinks with their products so lots of folks can enjoy these adorable, health-promoting monsters!

 

This review was sponsored, and as always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: Laura Berman Kona

There’s so much to like about the Laura Berman Kona. But it’s all ruined by the lack of a proper handle.

I wanted the Kona because it has the thing that makes my G-spot swoon: a big, round bulb, followed by a skinny shaft. And indeed, that part of the toy is perfect. It’s a “hits the spot immediately” kind of toy.

The trouble, though, is that when a toy hits my G-spot that well, it makes me want to thrust it in and out really fast for extended periods of time. And that is completely impossible with the Kona, unless you have the world’s shallowest G-spot.

I don’t think mine is excessively deep, but I just can’t make the Kona thrust the way I want it to, because it’s too damn short and it has no handle. The entire length of the toy is 5", which seems to be exactly the depth of my vagina. It doesn’t take very long at all for my genitals to swallow up the Kona, almost completely. And there’s no way I can do any serious thrusting if the amount of “handle” I’ve got to work with is an inch or smaller.

The Kona is also marketed as a kegel exerciser. In fact, this is the primary usage that’s listed in its description, which – in addition to Laura Berman’s insistence on calling it a “vaginal stimulator” instead of a dildo – just annoys me. But nonetheless, it’s a decent kegel tool. You insert the bulb, squeeze your muscles tight, and try to pull the toy out with your hand. It provides some solid resistance and a bit of G-spot stimulation – more than can be said for a lot of kegel toys out there.

The Kona is supposedly pure silicone but it smells rubbery/plasticky. I’m too much of a nervous nellie to do a “flame test” to check the accuracy of its silicone claims, but I have my doubts.

If you’re shopping for an inexpensive silicone G-spot dildo, you could do worse than the Laura Berman Kona. It hits the spot wonderfully and doubles as a cool kegel device. But please only buy this toy if you know for certain that you don’t like fast thrusting, or you have an exceptionally shallow G-spot; otherwise you’ll just end up with a pussy full of useless silicone.

Review: Magic Banana

As a sex toy reviewer, one of the questions I get asked all the time is, “What’s the weirdest toy you’ve tried?” Up til now, I’ve typically told people it’s the Eroscillator (ridged bronze god that looks a bit like a medieval torture device) or the Pure Wand (large curved hunk of steel that my mom claims she could do bicep curls with) – but I think I have a new contender in my toybox: the Magic Banana.

This toy consists of a yellow resistance cord wrapped in a curved loop of “smooth, non-toxic, FDA-approved” tubing, and a black handle that seems to be made of hard plastic. I haven’t been able to find any concrete claims about the actual materials used, but the instruction manual only recommends water-based lube, so maybe there’s some silicone in there somewhere.

The Magic Banana is a kegel exerciser. That is its purpose, and it lives up to that label. What bugs me about this product is the incessant claims it makes about its purported other uses, none of which it does well.

For example, the Banana’s manual states repeatedly that it is curved to hit the G-spot. Yes, it’s curved. Yes, it brushes past my G-spot when I thrust it in and out. But it certainly doesn’t feel very stimulating, at least not in an erotic way. If I want to writhe with G-spot pleasure, I’ll use a toy that’s actually designed for it, not a kegel toy that thinks it can be sexy.

The Banana’s instruction manual is full of hilarity, but I particularly like this passage: “The Magic Banana expands your pleasure possibilities and can enable you to experience several types of orgasm at once. With practice, the Magic Banana can also help you experience full-body orgasm.” I take issue with this. There is no proof to back this up. Sure, doing regular kegel exercises will strengthen the PC muscles and make orgasms longer and stronger – but “several types of orgasm at once”? “Full-body orgasm”? I think not.

Continuing to read through the manual, though, I came across this: “The Magic Banana can be a great tool to enhance partner sex – especially when used with oral stimulation.” Yes! This is an idea I can get behind. Mainly because, when my boyfriend’s tongue is on my clit, pretty much anything in my vagina will feel good. We tried it out, and to my amazement, the Magic Banana is actually great for this purpose. It doesn’t slide out at all, unlike literally every other toy I own, and it’s fun to feel its resistance cord being squished by my vaginal muscles during orgasm.

I guess I have to talk about the toy’s primary purpose at some point, huh? As a kegel exerciser, the Magic Banana is decent. It doesn’t provide as much of a challenge as I was expecting, in terms of resistance, but it can certainly be felt when I squeeze around it. I think it would be best suited for someone who hasn’t quite figured out how to isolate their PC muscles yet, or hasn’t done much kegeling before. I have fairly fit vaginal muscles and wished I could upgrade to something harder to squeeze.

I’ve tried to use the Magic Banana to stimulate myself internally while masturbating clitorally, as the manual repeatedly suggests, but it just doesn’t feel that great. The tubing awkwardly pulls and stretches at my vaginal opening, and it’s all too easy to bump into my cervix with it on the way in. I inevitably get frustrated with it and switch it out for something more satisfying at some point.

I think I would’ve liked the Magic Banana a lot more if I hadn’t been told, over and over again, that it would be able to do everything for me. It doesn’t please my G-spot, it doesn’t enable me to have “several types of orgasm at once,” it doesn’t induce deeper sleep with better dreams (yes, the manual actually makes this ridiculous claim). It does, however, provide a small-to-medium amount of resistance for doing kegel exercises, and it stays put inside me during oral sex.

You’ll probably enjoy the Magic Banana if you’re looking for a fun new way to do kegels, or you like having people ask you questions about the strange-looking objects on your bedside table – but don’t expect any more than that from this toy, or you’ll be just as disappointed as me.