12 Days of Girly Juice 2016: 7 Bangin’ Selfies

It’s the 21st century, so our lives are documented most vividly in hastily-snapped smartphone selfies. Flipping through the selfies folder on my phone is an emotional journey: big smiles, momentous days, fond memories. It was hard to choose just seven selfies to tell the story of my year, but I think these are the best ones to do that.

img_1329In April, I went on a road trip to Minneapolis by way of Chicago, with Bex, Taylor, and Caitlin. There were some long, long days of driving – days when we’d be on the road for 10 or 11 hours at a time. We rarely got bored, because we had each other’s company and our phones to keep us entertained (except when Bug Tussel fucked up our cell service briefly), but at one point the road became so monotonous to me that I began sexting a fuckbuddy back home out of sheer desperation. He politely requested a boob selfie from me and Bex, and we reminded him, “Subs respond better to direct orders!” The reply came back, “Okay: topless pic. Now.” In the middle of a rainstorm on a highway somewhere in Wisconsin, we whipped our tits out and snapped this silly shot (with Caitlin in the background). “That was like the boss fight of nudes!” Bex declared afterward.

imageRemember that time I met one of my lifelong heroes, Kidder Kaper, while visiting his hometown in the midwest? Remember how he drove me back to my Airbnb and then asked me if I wanted to kiss?! Remember how, immediately after that kiss, we got out of the car and took a bunch of goofy selfies together? I will treasure these shots forever, I’m sure. This one, in particular, makes me smile. Kidder looks as impassioned as ever, and my facial expression is the exact blend of delight and astonishment I was feeling about the whole situation.

img_2890My friend Brent is one of my favorite people on earth. We connected on Twitter by chance last year when I started listening to his podcast and tweeting at him. Then we met in person when he spent some time in Toronto developing Use Your Words, and instantly bonded over a shared love of showtunes, good booze, and bad puns. (Plus he understands that I am the Queen of Wands.) We took a fair number of selfies together this year, at various shindigs, but this one is my favorite. That glowy, giggly grin on my face? That is how happy this dude makes me, with his jokes, his songs, and his friendship. (Sorry-not-sorry fer gettin’ all sappy on you.)

img_1790It was pretty freakin’ momentous for me to meet Gala Darling in person this year; she’s been my hero since I was 15. She was preternaturally kind and encouraging, at a time in my life when I needed her exact brand of tough-love mentorship even more than usual. We snapped this selfie together on an East Village side street while waiting for Gala’s astrologer friend to come meet up with us. It’s cliché to say I felt like I was dreaming, but I did: how else could I possibly be in New York City with my role model/spirit mama?!

imageI was stoked as hell to meet porn legend Nina Hartley at the Woodhull Sexual Freedom Summit. She was a total sweetheart and I now have bragging rights for the rest of time. But what I think about, when I look at this photo, is the minutes that led up to it. I’d told Bex I wanted to meet Nina but was too nervous to go and talk to her. Bex, ever an encourager of my dreams, calmly told me that I was going to go talk to Nina; there were no two ways about it. Bex grabbed my hand, led me over to Nina, and introduced me to her. I feel so blessed to have friends who care about me enough to give me tough love when my anxiety is being an idiot. If not for Bex, I never would’ve gotten to tell Nina about that time my first boyfriend quoted one of her videos when going down on me!

When I was targeted by a bunch of misogynist trolls in July, one of them wrote a blog post about me and gleefully linked to this photo of me in my Aslan Nicki harness as if it were some horrible, disgusting thing that could not ever be unseen. I had to laugh when I clicked through and saw which photo he’d linked to. It wasn’t anything I’d consider ugly or embarrassing; in fact, I look babely as hell in this picture. I felt hot that night and wanted to celebrate it, commemorate it. That’s why I took this shot; that’s why I take most of the selfies I take. Never let anyone shame you for expressing your glorious, gorgeous self in a reverential self-portrait; you deserve to be immortalized in this way.

img_3453The night this was taken, my friend Cadence had invited me over to catch up, which amounted to me basically crying at her about boys all night. We ordered sushi, drank a lot of whiskey, and I told her about the rejections, break-ups and betrayals I’d been through recently. Getting that all off my chest, and laughing with my oldest friend, made my problems seem surmountable for the first time in a long while. I ducked into her bathroom, glanced in the mirror, and saw a foxy babe staring back at me, instead of just a hollow, depressed shell of a girl. So I pulled my shirt down, fluffed up my hair, and snapped this shot. I felt powerful, defiant, and uncharacteristically capable. I felt like things were going to be okay.

What are your favorite selfies you took this year?

I Met My Sex-Positive Hero (And We Kissed)

image

“This is a show about human sexuality, told from the approach of fun, enjoyment and pleasure,” the cheerful male voice chirped at me through my headphones. It said this at the start of every episode of the podcast. Today’s would be a good one; Kidder was going to talk about exhibitionism. I was excited; I had so much to learn. “It’s a rational conversation, but it’s for adults,” the voice continued, “so if you’re a younger listener, please go to Scarleteen.com, where you can learn about your body and your sexuality in an age-appropriate setting.” I was twelve years old. It didn’t matter. I knew I wasn’t like the other middle-schoolers. I was sex-positive.

I’d been interested in sexuality for as long as I could remember, scrawling erotica in my Anne of Green Gables diary, hunting for “vagina” and “clitoris” in the indices of library books, and researching masturbation techniques on my family’s shared computer when my parents were asleep. But until I discovered Kidder Kaper and the Sex is Fun podcast he co-hosted, I had no unifying ideology for all my jumbled thoughts on sex. Kidder made me feel like being a sexually precocious preteen was actually a good thing. As I absorbed his podcast between eighth-grade classes, or late at night in bed, I began to feel like less of an immoral pervert and more of a sex-positivity activist in the making.

Ask me what it means to be “sex-positive” now, and I’ll rattle off a pat answer about consent, boundaries, acceptance, and exploration. But back then, I didn’t have language for what I felt. I just knew that Kidder’s approach to sexuality felt innately right to me. He and his podcast cohorts enthusiastically accepted each other’s kinks, even (and especially) the ones they didn’t share. They talked about their vibrant sex lives without shame or regret. They explored questions like “Why are people into that?” and “What gets you hot?” rather than propagating stigmas or taboos. They talked about sex in a way I’d never heard before, and I truly believe they rewired my brain permanently. I can’t imagine I’d be doing the work I do now if I hadn’t obsessively devoured the Sex is Fun podcast in my early teens.

Flash forward 12 years or so. I’m an adult now (well, a confused kid who is legally and technically an adult but still doesn’t feel like one). When some sex blogger pals and I were planning a road trip to Minnesota, I pondered the question, “What’d be fun to do in Minneapolis?” A few weeks before the trip, I suddenly remembered: the Sex is Fun crew lived in Minneapolis. Or at least, they did, way back when they were doing the podcast. Who knew where they’d ended up?

I started doing research. Kidder had left the podcast many years earlier, and the show itself had ended a few years after that. I checked Kidder’s social media accounts, scanned the podcast website, Googled incessantly, but it seemed like the person behind Kidder Kaper had checked out of that pseudonym long ago. It frustrated me that I didn’t know any useful information about him – his real name, his real-life occupation, even the real names of his co-hosts on the podcast – so, while he probably still existed somewhere in Minnesota, I couldn’t get to him. I couldn’t tell him how much he’d meant to me when I was 12, how much he still meant to me. I resigned myself to a Kidderless trip to Minneapolis.

However, the night that we arrived, I mentioned my quest to our Minnesotan friend Calvin over dinner and drinks. “I’m looking for this guy,” I said. “He wrote the Sex is Fun book.” Immediately, Calvin said, “Oh, Kidder?” and my eyes practically fell out of my head. He knew him!

By the next day, Calvin had gotten in touch with Laura Rad, one of the other hosts of SiF, to get Kidder’s contact info for me. Bex texted me while hanging out with Calvin: “So, uh, if you wanted to talk to Kidder, here’s his number… Apparently he said he’d be down to get coffee.” Upon receiving this message, I threw my phone down on the kitchen table at our Minneapolis Airbnb, shouted “WHAT?!” and then proceeded to panic about what to do next. (#AnxietyLyfe, am I right?!) I’m proud to say that I managed to text him without breaking down in anxiety-tears… although did cry later in our conversation when he referred to me as a member of “the next generation of sex educators/activists/authors [who] progress sex-positivity.”

image

The next day, after a morning of touring local sex shops, Bex drove me to the café where Kidder and I had agreed to meet. My outfit consisted of a collar, vulva ring, and what Bex calls my “boob dress,” because, well… when you meet your sexuality hero, it makes sense to dress sexy in every sense of the word. As I crossed the street and walked into the coffee shop, I could feel my heart hammering in my chest. I bought a hot chocolate and my hands were shaking too much to even hold it properly.

He arrived promptly, and I recognized him immediately, even though the few pictures I’d seen of him were from years and years before. We said hello, hugged, and launched into conversation. Kidder is intense, brilliant and loquacious, just bursting with ideas and opinions; that was true when he hosted the podcast and it’s still true now. We talked for hours about sex (of course), relationships, the internet, technology, my blog, his work, squirting, butt stuff, and so much more. He’d checked out my blog and he complimented me on my “witty” and “self-aware” writing, and when I showed him a screencap from a porn scene I performed in, he told me he thought I looked like Bette Davis. I haven’t blushed that hard in months.

Some people say you shouldn’t meet your heroes, because they’ll inevitably be human and flawed and that’ll just disappoint you. I worry about that a lot, because I’ve met some of my heroes and I’ve also met people to whom my work has been important. But I didn’t experience that with Kidder – maybe because he’s always been so honest about his struggles and shortcomings. Even as a fresh-faced eighth-grader, I knew that my sex podcaster crush/idol was arrogant, stubborn and a little bit bonkers. He’s still that way and I still love it. Meeting him and talking to him just made me more certain of that.

We talked for so long that the café employees announced they were closing for the night. But it still felt like there was more to say. He offered me a ride back to where I was staying, and even though it was a 15-minute walk at most, I said yes. He suggested I text a friend to fill them in on my whereabouts, and acknowledged that it was okay if I didn’t feel comfortable getting into a car with a strange older man, but he didn’t feel strange to me. His wisdom and wit have helped motivate my mission all these years; he feels close to my heart, ingrained in my brain. I trust him.

“Alright, let’s throw down the gauntlet,” he said. We would cap off our conversation by asking each other five questions each, and the answers had to be honest. We talked about virginity, death, regrets, nanotechnology, fisting, blowjobs, and Steve Jobs. I felt myself straining to absorb his smarts like a sponge.

As Kidder pulled into a parking space outside my Airbnb, we each had one more question left to ask. He turned to me, both of us still sporting seatbelts, and said, “You wanna kiss?”

Though I’m officially agnostic, I believe in a sentient universe to some extent. I believe that our fondest wishes and deepest yearnings create changes in the great cosmic order, and that we are sometimes delivered the manifestations of our hopes. Sometimes what we want manifests in ways we could never have predicted or planned, because the universe’s genius extends far beyond what our human minds can formulate. This moment in Kidder’s car felt like the fulfilment of an old, old wish. I could feel my tiny 12-year-old self, somewhere deep inside me, looking enviously forward in time. I wanted to tell her: Look. Look at this. You’re confused now – you feel like a freak, a weirdo, a pervert – but there are people like you. And some of them will think you’re beautiful and brilliant. And that guy you listen to on your iPod, who makes your stomach feel fluttery and your brain feel bouncy? One day he’ll think you’re pretty nifty too. And he’ll even want to kiss you, if you can believe that. So just hold tight. It’ll all be okay.

Kidder kissed me, and it was an amazing kiss. But it was also more than a kiss.

When it was done, we got out of the car and took some silly selfies together. Then we hugged, and he wished me a good trip and a safe journey home. We said our goodbyes. I walked into the Airbnb, where my friends were waiting excitedly to hear what had happened. And I burst into tears. Because, gosh, 12-year-old me would just be so goddamn excited if she knew.

My Favorite Sex Podcasts

I’ve been listening to podcasts for 10 years. GOOD LORD, I’M OLD.

Back during the infancy of the medium, I was 12 years old, and even then I was a sex geek. I remember walking between classes at middle school and listening to Kidder Kaper talking about anal sex, fisting, female ejaculation, and all sorts of other things (conveniently ignoring the warning at the top of every show that you had to be 18+ to listen to it). I felt like a spy; on the outside I looked like an innocent little girl, but my ears and brain were sharing a delicious repartee about wonderfully nasty things.

Contrary to what some folks would posit, consuming sex information at such a young age didn’t mess me up; in fact, I think it made me safer and more conscious about sexuality. And I still listen to sex podcasts to this day. Here are some of my favorites…

Sex is Fun is the first sex podcast I remember ever listening to. It’s not being made anymore, but it had a good run and I think I listened to every single episode. (You can still listen to the whole archive on the show’s website.)

Each episode focuses on a specific topic related to sexuality. In the earlier shows, they were often fairly basic topics, like masturbation, oral sex, and anal sex; later on, they progressed to more complex issues, and also did occasional interviews with sexpert superstars like Susie Bright and Deborah Sundahl.

Different hosts rotated in and out of the show at different times in its progression, but what they all had in common was that they were articulate, smart, knew a lot about sex, and held a completely non-judgmental attitude about everything sex-related (provided it was all safe, sane and consensual, of course). I may not remember the details of individual episodes anymore, but what I vividly remember is that all-accepting, sex-positive attitude. I sincerely think it shaped all the sexual attitudes and beliefs I formed as I grew up – for the better.

Try these episodes: The team talks to Deborah Sundahl about G-spots and female ejaculation. A controversial discussion on ecstatic/orgasmic birth. HIV 101 with HIV/AIDS educator Gay Rick.

Open Source Sex is/was (I’m not sure if she’s still making it?) a podcast created and hosted by Violet Blue, who, if you don’t know, is an amazingly prolific writer, editor, and media-maker in the realms of sex and digital security. In other words, she’s a sex geek and a tech geek. And she has an incredibly gorgeous, sexy voice that’s ultra-soothing to listen to.

She does all sorts of different things on her podcast: discusses sexual issues, interviews sex-world celebrities, and reads erotic and instructional excerpts from her own books and other people’s. It’s a smorgasbord of information and titillation that could bring value to the life of any sex nerd.

Try these episodes: An interview with Shine Louise Houston, creator of the Crash Pad Series. Genital flavors: why you taste the way you do, and how to make changes if you want to. Excerpts from The Castle, a BDSM novel.

Sex Out Loud is Tristan Taormino’s podcast. Tristan needs no introduction because everyone in the sex world knows about her, but incase you don’t: she directs hot-as-fuck porn, writes and edits books about sex and non-monogamy, gives lectures and workshops, co-founded the Feminist Porn Conference, and now hosts this podcast.

Each episode of Sex Out Loud is an in-depth interview with someone who is doing interesting things within their little pocket of sexuality subculture. I started by listening to interviews with people I already knew, and then delved into those with folks I’d never heard of – and I learned new and interesting things from each and every episode.

Try these episodes: A fascinating discussion with Christopher Ryan, co-author of Sex At Dawn. Tristan chats with S. Bear Bergman, author of Butch is a Noun and various other books that I love. Betty Dodson and Carlin Ross on the politics of female masturbation.

The Savage Lovecast is Dan Savage’s podcast. I recognize that lots of people in the sex-positive world take issue with Dan Savage for various reasons, and I agree with them on many of those points. But I can’t deny that I find Dan very entertaining and I think his contributions to LGBT rights advocacy have been overall positive.

Each episode of the Lovecast starts with a “rant” from Dan on some sexual or political (or both) topic that’s in the news. Then he plays calls from listeners and gives them advice. The questions can range from commonplace and vanilla (“How do I come out to my parents?” or “Why doesn’t my girlfriend get off during intercourse?”) to complex and unusual (“Should I have been nicer when I rejected that guy with an adult baby fetish?” or “I found my dad’s stash of ladies’ panties and he had a pair of mine in there; what should I do?”). Dan almost always takes a strong stance one way or the other, and even when I don’t agree with him, I find his responses amusing and thought-provoking.

Try these episodes: Uh, seriously, any of them. They’re all great. Pick one and press play.

Why Are People Into That? is the newest podcast out of all of these. I saw a flier for it when I was at the Feminist Porn Conference and literally gasped as I grabbed one, because the title of this show is the question that fascinates me most about sexuality. Why are people into that?

The show is hosted by Tina Horn, porn performer, sex worker, and writer. She’s smart as a whip, relentlessly thoughtful, and endlessly curious about sex. Each episode has a different guest with whom she discusses a particular fetish or kink, usually one that the person themselves is into.

The discussions are pretty free-form and meandering, like real-life conversations, only they’re a hell of a lot smarter and more interesting than many of the conversations I have in real life!

Try these episodes: Sinclair Sexsmith on power. James Darling on high heels. Siouxsie Q on age play.

Other sex podcasts I’ve heard are good, but haven’t personally gotten the chance to listen to yet:

The Whorecast

Sex With Emily

Sex Nerd Sandra

What are your favorite podcasts about sex?

You know you’re a sex nerd when…

…you use the words “cunnilingus” and “fellatio” all the time in regular conversation.

…you’re taken aback by any woman who’s upset she can’t climax from intercourse alone, and throw statistics at her.

…you spend a disproportionate amount of time idly surfing Lelo, Njoy, Liberator, and Jimmyjane’s websites.

…you go to a sex shop with a friend and spend the entire time doing mini-reviews of every toy you see, regardless of whether or not you yourself have used it.

…your friends know to ask you if they have a sexual problem or need a toy recommendation.

…you own both The Ultimate Guide to Fellatio and The Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus, have read both thoroughly, and lend them out as needed.

…you quote Violet Blue, Kidder Kaper, Dan Savage, and Tristan Taormino in everyday life.

…you periodically make a huge event out of putting your sex toys in boiling water to sterilize them.

…you react in utter horror to jelly toys.

…you explain to your partner, during sex, the benefits and drawbacks of the position you’re in, and suggest possible alternatives and alterations.

…you have a favorite kind of condom, and you order it in bulk online.

…you’ve repurposed your Lelo boxes into storage for lube and butt plugs.

…the slightest hesitance on your partner’s part causes you to ask them a series of questions to make sure you’re respecting their boundaries.

…you’ve done MojoUpgrade at least 5 times.

…you’ve taken one of your parents to a sex shop before, at their request.

…you know the layout of your local sex boutique so well that you’re thrown off when they change it at all.

…you know the nutritional information and caloric content of semen, menstrual blood, female ejaculatory fluid, and various kinds of flavored lube.

…you own several thick, dark, large towels.

…your first response to any plea for sexual advice is “Ask your partner what they think!”

…you know the efficacy rates of all the birth control methods off the top of your head.

…your masturbation sessions are more like lab experiments.