9 Impeccable Indie Impact Implements

As you may have noticed, I love impact toys. I especially love weird impact toys: implements that would make good conversation starters at kink events, and that widen the eyes of tops and bottoms alike. Indie toymakers are often the best companies to look at when you want something unusual. I am lucky enough to own several impact implements from indie artisans; here are some reviews of them…

My leather paddle by Oddo Leather is bright pink and adorable. It’s made from latigo leather and contains two metal rods which give it its structural stability. It’s got that signature delicious leather smell, and comes in a variety of colors.

As a top: The leather handle is grippy enough that it stays securely in my hand even if I get sweaty. There’s a little suede strap I use to hang the paddle for storage but that isn’t long enough for me to stick my wrist through; I’d like to replace it with a longer one so I can have a little more assurance that I won’t accidentally throw the paddle while using it. The edges of the handle are a little rough and sometimes dig into my hand if I’m holding the toy tightly, which I generally am. I like the satisfyingly loud noise this paddle makes when it hits skin. Some particularly hard hits cause the internal metal rods to bend a bit, but it’s easy to bend the paddle back into its original shape.

As a bottom: As you might expect from a leather paddle, this one is pretty stingy. If a blow lands not-exactly-flat against my skin, it can feel thuddier, but not by much. On me, this paddle doesn’t bruise, it just reddens the area. It also doesn’t get above a 5 or 6 on the pain scale, even when a lot of power is put into the hits – so while it might be a good choice for an impact beginner, or for someone who eroticizes the sound of impact moreso than the pain, for me it just leaves me wanting more.

My acrylic layered paddle by Funkit Toys was custom-made to my specifications; a lot of stuff by Funkit is highly customizable like this. I asked for it to be made in blue and green, and for it to have five layers of acrylic; you can order anywhere from two to six layers in your paddle, and the more you get, the thuddier it’ll be. This paddle is also the most affordable option in this post, with its price ranging from $10 (two layers) to $22 (six layers).

As a top: I love how smooth, heavy, and well-constructed this paddle feels in my hand. The top of the handle, where it meets the blade, is made to resemble the analogous part on a chef’s knife, because Funkit Toys’ lead fucksmith Kenton is also a chef – so my index finger fits comfortably in that spot when I hold the paddle, though the way I spank, I usually like a little more momentum and hold the toy further down its handle to allow for that. The paddle’s impact surfaces are glossy, while its edges are matte, making the handle sufficiently grippy without sacrificing the beauty of that shiny finish. I would like this one a bit more if it was shorter and wider, because that’s my preferred shape to hit people with, but as is, it’s still wonderful.

As a bottom: This paddle is so mean! When it lands flat against the skin, it’s got a sharp stingy bite with a little thud to back it up – but when it lands a little off-kilter, or when I’m purposely hit with the side of it, it feels much thuddier, like getting thunked with a big heavy metal pipe. This toy can get up very high on the pain scale, in both stinginess and thuddiness. Depending on how it’s wielded, it can leave broad bruises or more focused stripes. Thuddier hits (especially those from the rounded edge of the paddle) get so deep that they might still ache days later.

My rainbow paddle by Funkit Toys is made of wood and gets its vivid, distinctive colors from spraypaint (with a clear coat on top). Kenton makes wooden paddles in several different shapes and sizes; this one is 16 inches long, and wider than the acrylic paddle but still fairly narrow for a paddle.

As a top: This paddle is made of very light wood, so in use it barely feels like I’m hefting anything at all. However, sometimes this makes it hard for me to gauge exactly how hard I’m hitting. The handle is entirely straight and a bit slippery; I wish it had a wrist strap for added stability. The wood makes a really satisfying smacking noise when it hits.

As a bottom: I get a surface-level sting from this paddle that falls more on the “bad type of pain” side of the spectrum for me, which would make it ideal for a true punishment spanking but also means it’s never gonna be a favorite of mine. I do sort of like it as a warm-up, used fairly lightly, because the broad stingy swats get my skin all tingly and sensitive and ready for more hits – but it gets up into high pain levels really easily and I can’t take much of it after that. It reddens my skin but I have yet to obtain any lasting marks from it, partly because it hurts so much that I always stop before I get to that point.

The Billiard Banger by KinkMachineWorks is such an inventive piece of kink wizardry. It’s a literal billiard ball at the end of a metal and hard plastic rod. Mine is a black 8-ball, which I chose for its #WitchyFemme vibes, but you can get a wide variety of different colors and numbers.

As a top: I love the heaviness of this toy – it’s not so heavy as to be hard to wield, but just heavy enough to feel substantial, well-made, and powerful. My arm does get a little tired if I’m swingin’ away for a good while, though. I thought the smooth metal handle on mine would be difficult to grip (KMW also sells a ribbed-handle version, if that’s a concern of yours too), but it’s got enough grippiness to it that this usually isn’t an issue. Depending on what kind of effect I want to achieve, I can bounce the ball against skin for a series of quick hits, or follow through with my swing for big, strong, thuddy hits.

As a bottom: Getting beat with a billiard ball is a thuddy and penetrating sensation, like getting punched by a tiny fist. On me, it rarely creates bruises, but it leaves sore spots under the skin that I can still feel days later. Having the same spot get hit over and over again is always a super-painful thing for me, but particularly so with this toy; the thuddiness stacks up and creates an almost bone-deep ache that I mostly really like. The toy’s handle and the billiard ball itself both have a naturally cold temperature, so rolling those parts of the toy along my skin between hits can be a soothing and surprising sensation.

The 1″-thick rubber paddle from KinkMachineWorks is a thing to behold: thick, heavy, and intimidating. It reliably gets an “Oh, wow” or a “Yikes!” whenever I show it to a fellow kinkster.

As a top: Most of this paddle’s weight is concentrated in the business end rather than the handle, so it can sometimes feel a little weighty and difficult to aim effectively. The flex of the rubber gives it a nice bounce, so while it’s heavy, my arm doesn’t get especially tired from wielding it. Its heaviness also means you don’t have to put much effort into your swing to get a big, strong hit out of it; however, this also means you have to check in with your spankee more to make sure you’re not overdoing it. The rubber causes my hands to smell like a truckstop after I’m done using this paddle, which I don’t really mind, but I’d prefer if it didn’t.

As a bottom: Wow, ouch, this one hurts a whole goddamn lot. Hits from this paddle’s flat impact surfaces feel thuddy with a topcoat of stinginess, whereas hits from the sides or end of the paddle feel thuddy like a punch. I imagine that this toy could leave some pretty gnarly bruises, but I’ve never been hit with it hard enough to find out, because it gets so painful so easily that I always back off before the point of bruising.

My Lexan paddle from KinkMachineWorks is one of my all-time favorite impact implements. Lexan – also known as polycarbonate – is a type of plastic that’s very hard and durable, making it ideal for paddlin’ with.

As a top: This paddle strikes a good balance between being heavy enough to feel impactful but light enough to be comfortable to wield at all times. I love the shape and size of it: it gives me a lot of surface area with which to smack broad swathes of my bottom’s skin, but can also be aimed effectively and precisely when need be. And dammit, you can’t beat the view of a butt being slightly squished beneath this see-through paddle.

As a bottom: The reason I love this paddle so much is that it – for me – strikes the ideal balance between thuddy and stingy. The stinginess makes it painful enough to send me into subspace relatively quickly, but it’s not all sting, so I don’t get burned out on it too fast. Its thuddiness also enables it to bruise me easily and beautifully. I think if I could only keep one impact toy from my entire collection, this is the one I would choose.

My torquemada from Creative Kink is made of beautiful pink-glazed wood. A “torquemada,” so far as I can tell, is a wood paddle that’s inlaid with metal studs. Woof.

As a top: This paddle is very big: it’s as long as my entire arm from shoulder to wrist, and almost twice as wide as my forearm. While this makes it look extra-menacing, it’s not my favorite to wield; it feels a little clunky and hard to manoeuvre effectively (though that might be less true for a bigger/stronger person than I). In addition to the flat side, the studded side, and the thuddy rounded edges, I can also hit someone (lightly) with that pointy tip at the top; it’s not as sharp as it looks, and it’s sort of like whacking someone with a dull pickaxe. This is a highly versatile toy!

As a bottom: The flat, non-studded side of this paddle feels as stingy as wooden paddles usually do (i.e. very), though its heaviness gives it a little bit of thud that balances it out nicely. It reddens my skin real quick and hurts a whole helluva lot. The studded side is even worse: the studs are rounded, rather than sharp, so they’re probably not gonna break skin or anything, but they do add some extra oomph to the hits, making this one of the most painful products in this post. I also like that the studs feel cold while the rest of the paddle remains room-temperature; it’s a little extra sensory weirdness that adds to the overall effect, and could be an especially fun tease if I was, say, blindfolded and tied up.

I requested the Lexan cane from Creative Kink because I already owned the aforementioned Lexan paddle and knew I liked this material for impact play. It’s so swishy and cute and reminds me of a wand Ollivander would pick out for the kinkiest wizard.

As a top: The handle of this cane is made of a grippy black foam; this toy was clearly designed by actual kinksters who understand the problems faced by impact tops! The Lexan is firm enough to allow for a stern caning, but also has juuust enough flex that I can pull it back with one hand and let it spring forward onto whoever I’m spanking, in an intense but precisely aimable motion. The significant length of this cane gives me the freedom to slice it down on both of my spankee’s buttcheeks, or only one at a time, whichever I want.

As a bottom: To my surprise, I find this cane never hurts thaaat badly, no matter how hard I’m getting hit by it. It’s more thuddy than stingy, but never gets beyond a 5-out-of-10 thud for me. It leaves pleasing red stripes on my skin, and occasional mildly raised welts, but isn’t mean enough to create bruises. While this description might make it sound lacklustre, I actually love getting beat by this cane; the pain is enough to send me into subspace after a little while, without being so bad as to distress me.

The aluminum cane by Creative Kink is a formidable thing; when Suz first felt mine, her eyes went wide and she said, “Oh, this one would be mean!” She is right. It is.

As a top: The weight of this cane makes it feel a little top-heavy in use sometimes, so I can’t always aim as precisely as I would like to. I also wish it made a bit more noise; it’s almost silent as skin absorbs its impact. It has the same grippy foam handle as the aforementioned Lexan cane, so it stays put in my hand when I hold it. I feel a little apprehensive wielding this toy, because it’s so heavy and hard that I feel like I could accidentally injure a partner pretty easily; I’d need to be very careful and focused to feel comfortable using it on someone. But damn, it makes me feel powerful.

As a bottom: Canes are traditionally stingy but this is perhaps the thuddiest one that has ever existed. If I couldn’t see what I was getting hit with, I’d have no way of knowing it was a cane and not a thick metal pipe. I love that it’s naturally cold; that adds some sensory excitement to the thuddiness and can be soothing in between hits. As with many heavy thuddy implements, this one bruises quite effectively, and the bruises are gorgeous stripes. Swoon.

What are your favorite impact toys from independent toymakers? Got any Etsy treasure-troves or local artisans to enthuse about?

Monthly Faves: Paddles, Porn, & Pompadours

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Not to be bragadocious, but July was a month of good, consistent, frequent sex for me. I am a lucky lady. I also gave more BJs this month than I perhaps ever have in my life. When it rains, it pours… Wink wink!

Sex toys

• I’ve loved my Fucking Sculptures Double Trouble ever since I got it, but this month my love for it was particularly intense. I had two different partners use it on me – it’s one of my favorite toys to get fucked with! – and they did a wonderful job every time. I love the moment when a partner tilts the Double Trouble just so and they find my A-spot; it’s a triumph for both of us. When Bex and I stayed in an Airbnb for a couple days to throw a party and make porn in mid-July, the only two toys I brought were the DT and my Magic Wand; I had a bunch of sex that weekend and those were the only toys I needed.

• A total sweetheart bought me a wooden hairbrush from my wishlist. It surprised me by becoming one of my favorite spanking implements almost immediately: it’s my ideal blend between thuddy and stingy. And, as a bonus, when my hair gets all messed up from a spanking and the sex that ensues, I can smooth it into submission with the brush. I have a feeling this toy will hold a place of honor in my purse from now on.

• Two impact-play toys in one list? Sure, why not… I bought a paddle from KinkMachineWorks that’s made of Lexan, a transparent material similar to plexiglass or acrylic. It’s unusually thuddy for a paddle (yes, good, yes please). My friend Georgia gave me some killer bruises with it, one sad drunken night, after which I felt a great deal better.

Fantasy fodder

• Remember when I told you I wasn’t that into PIV (penis-in-vagina) sex anymore? Yeah, turns out that when I’m seeing someone who’s really good at fucking me the way I like, I get right back on dat PIV train. There were even times this month when a partner was fucking me with a toy and I imagined it was his dick, which… isn’t how that usually goes for me.

• I love a good erotic audio. This one was a favorite of mine this month. God bless people who have the gift of a beautiful voice and put it to use in the form of kinky smut. (This one is also wonderful if you, like me, like to use sex and kink as motivators for productivity.)

• Binge-watching House always gets my sexual wheels spinning… I’ve gone through phases of being carnally obsessed with Chase, Wilson, and Thirteen, but I think my sexual tastes are growing up because it’s House himself who I’ve been fantasizing about a lot recently. Bex wrote up some of their dom-House headcanons and I kinda melted onto the floor. House is waaaay too much of an unstable asshole to date, but I’d sure as hell let him hit me with that cane while I was bent over his desk…

Sexcetera

• A sexual highlight of this month was when I made blowjob porn with a partner and then gave him another blowjob off-camera as aftercare. It’s interesting how much the mental context within which you perform a sexual act can influence how that act makes you feel. Giving head on camera was hot, fun, and a novelty for me, but it left me feeling a bit empty and sad because it lacked the validation and intimacy I’m used to when I go down on someone. Giving him a “real” BJ less than an hour afterward was exactly the fix I needed, and maybe that’s strange, but hey, it worked for me. (And he sure as hell wasn’t complaining.)

• It was a particularly spanking-heavy month for me. Various people – sexual partners and platonic friends alike – consensually spanked me with a wide array of items: a silicone paddle, a Lexan paddle, a suede flogger, a stone crop, a book about spanking, a wooden hairbrush, a glass dildo, and of course, hands. The deeper I dive down the rabbit hole of impact play, the more convinced I am that it’s vital to both my sexuality and my personal psychology.

• I had two important sexual anniversaries this month: the 5th marked five years since the first blowjob I ever gave, and the 22nd marked eight years since the first time I ever had sex. I didn’t really celebrate these milestones, except by having a lot of sex (including blowjobs aplenty, natch).

Femme stuff

• I am currently obsessed with doing my hair in a pompadour with lots of bobby pins and a bandana. It’s an easy and relatively quick style that keeps my hair off my face in this sticky summer heat. It involves a lot of teasing and smoothing, which I do with the aforementioned wooden hairbrush!

• Bex and I went shopping specifically for clothes to do porn in. We were very efficient: after quick stops at American Apparel and Ardene, I’d amassed some pink striped knee-high socks, a low-cut black crop top, a translucent pink tank top, a pink headband, a pink bow barrette, a pink dog collar, and a black lace-up crop top that I should probably wear to cosplay as Sexy Wednesday Addams. I feel more balanced now that the slutty section of my wardrobe is more thoroughly fleshed out.

• I was super into the lip combo I used when getting mega-glam for porn: ColourPop lip pencil in “Heart On” + a hot pink Bite Beauty gloss. Pretty, sexy, and obnoxiously pink. Yeah, that sounds about right.

Little things

Dramatic late-night back-porch nudes. Taking American friends to their first Toronto weed dispensaries. A boy telling me he wants to date me by sending me this song. “How did the clothes end up all on the floor? Didn’t we just break each other’s hearts?” Sharing a sundae with a handsome pal while thoroughly stoned. Sharing fuckbuddy disaster stories. Sasha doing my makeup for a kinda-date-that-wasn’t-a-date. Getting fingerbanged so good and then being told that making me come that way is “like wrestling with a little monster” because my vag muscles clench so hard when I’m close. The outpouring of support I got when my Establishment article went up. A boy giving me one of his shirts to wear home when we couldn’t find my dress. Accidental I-love-you’s. Sophie Delancey interviewing me on Sex City Radio. Lavender oil. Drunkenly discussing sexual astrology on the subway. Taylor misreading Georgia‘s Twitter handle (LikeYourSilence) as “Like Your Silicone.” Monster Factory. “I want you to come all over daddy’s cock like you did earlier…” Beautiful porn cinematography. Hippo Campus. Bravery. When vanilla partners inadvertently dom me. Friends who understand and accept my introversion and other psychological quirks. Kate McKinnon. Therapy spankings.

Review: Tantus Pelt

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I once read about a French tradition in a fashion magazine, where you buy a red Chanel lipstick for a baby girl when she’s born and then give it to her when she’s old enough to rock it.

I was reminded of that custom when I got my Tantus Pelt paddle, because I want to buy one for every spanking enthusiast in my life. Top or bottom, dom or sub, casual dabbler or full-on kinkster: they all need one of these.

You might remember that I own a few Tantus paddles. I wasn’t a big fan of the Snap Strap – too long and stingy for my liking – so I gave it to a friend, and I hear she digs it. I was more partial to the Wham Bam, but even that was stingier than I typically prefer. And while the actual paddlin’ end of the Plunge works well for me, I was perplexed by the handle-that-doubles-as-a-dildo.

The Pelt, however, is my Goldilocks paddle.

I’m not the only one who feels this way about it. I used it on Bex, and Penny used it on me, live on Periscope right after I bought it, and we all adored it. When I brought it to Playground Prom and folks tried it out on each other on the dance floor, more than one person asked me where I had gotten it. I’ve brought it to my dom fuckbuddy’s house on multiple occasions and we’ve loved using it together. I even brought it to my first porn shoot and ended up with a tasty bruise.

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There is just so much about the Pelt that Tantus got perfectly right. For one thing: the material. All of Tantus’ paddles are made of matte black silicone. It looks and feels sexy and understated, and it can be boiled or bleached if you need to sanitize it between partners. The matte finish gives it enough grippiness that you probably won’t lose your grasp on it unless you get very sweaty or lube-y. The silicone is thick and firm enough to pack a real punch, but flexible enough that it gathers momentum with every stroke.

That momentum is the secret to the Pelt’s success. You don’t have to put much muscle into your swing to get a sizeable smack out of it. Its small size also makes it easier to manoeuver than the longer paddles Tantus makes, so I think this is the best paddle in the range for someone who has issues with strength or mobility: you don’t need a ton of brawn or co-ordination to use it. But if you do put some serious vigor into a Pelt wallop, you’ll get even more bang for your buck than you would with a rigid paddle.

As I mentioned, I’ve been on both sides of the Pelt, so I’ve come to appreciate its virtues both in the hand and on the butt. Aside from the aforementioned momentum awesomeness, I also like using it as a top because it’s just so damn comfortable to hold. The handle is slightly thicker and firmer than the business end, so it doesn’t flop or squish – Tantus’ designers are geniuses. The handle has squared-off edges but they don’t dig into my hand uncomfortably. Sometimes I like to pull the paddle’s end back toward me with one hand and then let it pop forward, like a slingshot, and that’s super fun and highly effective. And the Pelt makes some of the most satisfying impact sounds I have ever heard.

Bottom-wise, I get all swoony for the Pelt. It’s stingier and often more painful than traditional hand spankings or fist poundings, but if I’m properly warmed up, I can handle it. I sometimes like to have my skin stroked in between hits so I don’t get overstimulated, and the Pelt’s silky surface is lovely for that. This paddle warms and reddens my skin pretty quickly, which I totally dig. And while it can leave bruises and welts if used in the right way, it’s not so thuddy that marks are unavoidable.

In addition to all these great qualities, I also love that the Pelt is easy to wash, squishy enough that you can fold it up to fit it into a small bag, and (don’t make fun of me) has a sexy name. (I could never get down with the name of the Plunge. It reminded me of clogged toilets.)

The Pelt is my favorite paddle. My desert-island spanking implement. My interest in spanking has really ramped up over the past few months, and this wonderful tool has been my right-hand man during that journey. I own a lot of paddles but this is the one I most often tuck into my bag before sex-dates or pull out of my storage drawers for sex-visitors. It’s my one true paddle love, and I know it’s going to see me through plenty more adventures in my lifetime.

Monthly Faves: Spanking, Sexpo & Sideboob

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September was very sweet to me! (More like Sextember, am I right?!) Here’s what I enjoyed this month…

 

Toys

• It’s rare that I put a toy on this list that isn’t genitally-focused, but I would be remiss not to mention the glory that is the Tantus Pelt. I snapped one up this month after quietly lusting over it since its release, and it is absolutely the perfect paddle for me. The size, weight, thickness, and stingy-to-thuddy ratio are all on-point. Oh Tantus, you pervy geniuses.

• For one profoundly pleasurable evening, I borrowed a Fucking Sculptures Double Trouble from Bex, who was, in turn, borrowing it from Caitlin. I’m not sure I like it enough to drop $180 USD (~$240 CAD) on one of my own, but good heavens, the A-spot stimulation from the DT’s thinner/longer end made $240 seem like a small price to pay. Hmmm…

• I bought a Liberator Throe this month in a dark, glamorous New York sex shop. From my very first session with it, I could tell it was going to revolutionize my squirting adventures. It is a game-changer when you know you can actually relax and you won’t end up having to sleep on sodden sheets (or, worse, needing to wait until you finish your laundry before going to sleep). I used all my favorite G-spot toys with it and it valiantly protected my bed from squirt damage.

 

Fantasy fodder

• I’ve spent most of my adult life banging exclusively submissive and vanilla folks, despite knowing in my kinky little heart that I lean submissive. But then recently, I boned a handsome gent who is, as it turns out, very dom indeed. Needless to say, he occupied many of my saucier thoughts this month.

• My fave Toronto-based pornographers, Spit, put out a new video and it’s my favorite thing they’ve ever done. Granted, I know Jack and Lydia in person, so I feel a little closer to the action… but daaaamn, the subtle D/s dynamic in this scene is hot as hell and the performers’ playfulness melts my heart. (Side note: I dream of performing in a Spit scene someday… if I can find the right partner…)

• I am having aaaaall the little-girl feels lately. I mentioned “daddy kink” in my April faves when it first surfaced into my consciousness, and back then I felt very weird about it and struggled not to kink-shame myself every time it came up. However, I can’t deny that certain people just set off feelings of lusty littleness in me – like toppy partners who call me “good girl” and hot professors who teach me about child development. Unf.

 

Sexcetera

• In mid-September I went to a sexual health expo in New York, along with blogger pals Bex, Penny, Lilly, Lena, Hedonish, and more. We had some mixed feelings about the sexpo itself, but some of the presenters really blew my little sex-nerd mind. We learned about internal clit stimulation from Allison Moon, D/s boundary-setting from Mollena Williams, and sexual rut-breaking from Ducky Doolittle. It’s delicious to come home from an educational event with so many new ideas bouncing around in your brain!

• I’m writing a feature story about the Hitachi Magic Wand. As such, I’ve been carting my wand with me everywhere and occasionally delivering it to people’s homes so I can watch them use it as research. (Legitimate research… not pervy research… although, sometimes that too.) Life seems so much sunnier when you’ve got a Magic Wand in your inventory!

• I read through a lot of old journals this month, while trying to find one specific entry I wanted to reference in my blowjobs post, and I was struck by how gross it feels to read explicit descriptions of sex you once had with people you are no longer dating/attracted to. I’m glad I kept such a detailed history of my sex life from the get-go, because it’s crucial information when I want to look back and see how far I’ve come, but gawd it’s hard to slog through without gagging.

 

Fashion & beauty

• I did a lot of shopping in September. Whoops. Highlights: this Wednesday Addams dress from Modcloth (I was gonna wait til Halloween to show it off, but c’mon), a blue printed dress from H&M, and the glorious American Apparel acquisition I’ve been calling my “sideboob dress” (magically, it looks good on everyone). And speaking of my aforementioned little-girl inclinations: I ordered this from ASOS, and I think I need to put it on and convince some authoritative daddy-esque man to take me to a carnival and win me a stuffed animal or something. #LittleGirlSwag

• I am now the proud owner of a ring made to look like my vulva. Please give Catstache Accessories all your money because they did an incredibly beautiful job and got this masterpiece to me in a very reasonable amount of time. If you have fantasized about owning custom jewelry that resembles your genitals (and who hasn’t?!), I am telling you: now’s the time and Catstache is the place.

• Fall is officially here, and as such, dark lipsticks are my current jam. MAC Viva Glam 3 is the brownish-burgundy of my autumnal dreams.

 

What toys, fantasies and miscellany did you dig this month, lovelies?

Review: Tantus Plunge

Sometimes when I get together with friends, someone will ask me, “What reviews are you working on right now?” I usually try to talk about whichever toy on my current docket is the most interesting or strange, since there’s not much conversational potential in a response like, “Oh, you know, a standard silicone dildo.”

Well, for months, my go-to toy to discuss when faced with this question was the Tantus Plunge, because – as I’ve learned from these conversations – people are always either weirded out or titillated by the idea of a paddle that’s also a dildo.

Most common responses: “How does that work?” and “Who would want that?” Usually these questions were followed by some reflection and maybe a theory or two: “I guess if you’re spanking someone and suddenly want to fuck them instead…” “Well, it’s two toys in one, so it’s a good value, I guess.”

These theories have their merits, and the toy isn’t bad, but I still think it was a strange idea and one that doesn’t work so well in practice either.

The Plunge (the name of which, by the way, awkwardly makes me think of clogged toilets) is made of Tantus’ beautiful matte black silicone. It’s a material that works perfectly for paddles because it makes the handle appropriately grippy and gives the silicone a sexy leather-meets-rubber feeling – but it’s not ideal for dildos, at least not for me. I prefer a glossier silicone that won’t eat so much lube so quickly. Glossy silicone is also better for situations where you don’t have lube, or don’t want to use it.

My overall feeling about the Plunge is that it makes a great paddle but its functionality as a dildo is limited. I’ll tell you why…

Embedded in the handle of the Plunge is a hole that goes in one side and out the other. This is to enable you to hang the paddle up, but it’s a bad feature to include in a handle that doubles as a dildo. Cleaning vag junk out of that hole is a bitch.

The dildo/handle end of the Plunge is only 1.25” in diameter. That’s a fair girth for people with tight orifices, but anyone on the average-to-size-queen side of the spectrum will be sorely disappointed by this dimension.

It’s really hard to hold onto the toy while fucking yourself, or someone else, with the dildo end. You have to grip the whole wide paddle side in your hand, and it starts to dig into the flesh of your hand after a while. There are various other ways to hold it but all are tiresome. A dildo’s handle should be ergonomic and intuitive so you can put all your energy into the fucking; this one’s isn’t at all.

The dildo itself has a nice curve that strokes my G-spot enjoyably, but because it’s so slim, and because the terrible “handle” (paddle end) makes it difficult to get a comfortable rhythm going, the dildo just doesn’t deliver. If I want a small G-spot dildo, I’ll reach for something that’s easier to thrust with, every time.

As a paddle, though, the Plunge performs spectacularly. Tantus’ paddles are always top-notch. This one is a good mix of stingy and thuddy, and the curved handle makes it easy and comfortable to hold onto during spanking.

But if you want a Tantus paddle, I’m going to have to recommend the Wham Bam or Pelt instead, because the Plunge is just too impractical to be worth the extra money. How are you supposed to spank someone when the paddle’s handle is covered in lube? How are you supposed to fuck someone when you can’t get a comfortable grip on the end of the dildo? How are you supposed to switch between spanking and fucking in a way that isn’t awkward as hell? And (as a few of my friends asked me during the aforementioned conversations about the Plunge) what are you supposed to do if you want to fuck and spank someone at the same time?

My suggestion: get a good dildo and a good paddle and use them individually, of course. The Plunge was a clever idea in theory but the real-life manifestation is just too weird and ineffectual for me to recommend.

Thanks anyway, Tantus! You know I love ya, baby.