Review: Lelo Heaven Scent Pleasure Set

A Lelo candle and a Lelo vibrator, both purple

Lelo wants you to feel ashamed of your junk. There’s no other possible explanation for this abomination. You don’t create a scented vibrator unless you believe genitals are inherently smelly and gross. You just don’t. So that is what Lelo must believe. Or, at least, it is what they must want you to believe, so you’ll buy their products.

People were understandably upset when Lelo released their revamped Lily vibe with “aphrodisiac” scents in 2015. “Just what every girl wants: a vibrator that smells,” Twitter users deadpanned. “There’s still no credible scientific evidence that aphrodisiacs, y’know, work,” Diane Kelly pointed out. “JUST MAKE A FUCKING VIBRATOR, LELO,” Lilly begged.

Some concerns were reasonably aired about whether the toy’s fragrance is actually “body-safe” as Lelo claims. They posted a “how it’s made” blog post which explained the aroma comes from “scented pellets” mixed in with the regular plastic pellets that are melted down to make the Lily. They say the vibrator is “sealed and sterilized” in the final step of production, so theoretically the scent should be locked inside, rather than leaching out to fuck with your vulva’s pH. But I’d still hesitate to recommend this toy to anyone with infection-prone parts. (After all, Lelo is the same company that somehow claimed it’s a safety feature that you can’t tell when their condoms are punctured.)

Lelo sent me the Lily 2 as part of one of their special Valentine’s Day offerings, the Heaven Scent Pleasure Set. In addition to the vibrator, the set contains a scented candle – to continue the theme of “Let’s cover up your icky body smells with perfumey fragrances!!” – and a bottle of Lelo’s own lube. I’ll talk about each in turn.

a purple scented candleFirst, the candle – which is, admittedly, the main reason I requested this set over any of the other Valentine’s sets Lelo recently came out with. I am a bit of a scented-candle fiend; Bath & Body Works is a staple of my mall trips, and I’ve been known to stand around in shops inhaling deeply from candles long past when my friends would’ve liked to leave. My thought process was, “Well, it’s a Lelo set, so I probably won’t like most of what’s in it, but at least I’ll have a scented candle to enjoy.”

They kinda fucked up the candle too, though, because of course they did. It’s supposed to smell like “bordeaux and chocolat” (yes, chocolat, spelled the French way, as only über-pretentious Lelo would). To my nose, it smells more like artificial raspberry candy – which, fine, but I wouldn’t exactly describe that scent as an aphrodisiac. The wick on mine was also placed weirdly off-center, so that only about half of the wax actually got used, halving the burn-time of the candle. Boooo.

a bottle of Lelo lubeAs for the lube – Lelo makes a big bragadocious deal out of telling you their lube is paraben- and glycerine-free (great!), but it still contains propylene glycol, a known irritant that can cause vaginal infections. I will concede that the futuristic-lookin’ pump-top bottle thrills my inner fancyperson, and the lube sticks around pretty well and has a good consistency. But though the packaging claims this lube is fragrance-free, it smells like rubbing alcohol and tastes like bitter chemicals. And in this, 2017, the Year of Our Lord Sliquid, I should not have to use any lube that carries any risk of vaginal infection. Better options exist, and they don’t even taste gross.

Now onto the vibe itself. The Lily 2, I will admit, is a pretty awesome vibe. The motor is noticeably stronger than that in the previous iterations of this toy. It’s rumblier than your typical external vibe – not quite so rumbly as the Tango, say, but certainly closer to that end of the spectrum than many other clit vibes. My clitoris is a certified snob and I still find the Lily 2 plenty powerful and rumbly enough to get me off when combined with a great dildo.

The shape isn’t my favorite. When the tip of the toy is nestled on my clit the way I like it, the buttons are planted in my mons, so I have to lift up part of the vibe to change the speed (which I do a lot). However, that’s because I prefer to place vibrators on the shaft and hood of my clit, rather than the head; I’m sure there are plenty of people who will find the Lily’s shape more intuitive and comfortable. It certainly curves nicely against my body and gives me placement options both pinpointed and broad.

the purple Lelo Lily 2 vibrator on a turquoise background

I also like the Lily’s silky, matte plastic coating, its well-crafted and prettily-lit buttons, and the fact that it’s waterproof. It’s quiet, sturdy, locks for travel, and comes with a cute storage bag. There’s a lot to like about this vibrator, actually. Which is why it’s so disappointing and so typical that Lelo loused it up by adding a scent for no goddamn reason. (A scent which, by the way, I can barely smell when the toy is pressed against my nose, let alone when it’s pressed against my clit.)

There was a time when Lelo made consistently good, standard vibrators that everyone loved. But in recent years, they’ve gotten into a bad habit of adding offensive gimmicks to everything. They made a cock ring for bankers, a We-Vibe ripoff, a lacklustre cunnilingus simulator, a tuxedo for your dick. They made shitty, probably-unsafe condoms and hired known abuser Charlie Sheen as their spokesperson. In short, they’re a mess. Most of my blogger friends refuse to support them anymore, and I have to agree that I won’t feel right recommending Lelo to anyone unless and until they apologize for the Hex condoms and their various sexist missteps. On top of all this, it somehow makes me even angrier that Lelo had a perfectly fabulous clit vibe which they chose to taint by adding a gimmicky scent no one asked for.

If you want a great rechargeable clitoral vibrator, get a Tango, Lust L2, or Form 2. If you want some lube to use with it, pick up some Sliquid. If you want a scented candle, grab one by Jimmyjane. If you want to spend $129 (!) on a better Valentine’s Day gift than the Heaven Scent Pleasure Set, consider a night’s staycation at a local Airbnb, a big gift card to your sweetie’s favorite bookstore/makeup company/repertory theatre, or – hell – a Magic Wand Rechargeable. (Everyone needs one of those.)

But don’t give your money to Lelo, especially not for Valentine’s Day. There’s nothing less romantic than abusive spokespeople, bitter lube, and genital-shaming.

 

Disclosure notice: Lelo provided this product to me in exchange for a fair and unbiased review.

Review: Satisfyer Pro 2

the Satisfyer Pro 2 clit stimulator

“It’s like a blowjob for your clit.”

That was the buzz, back when suction-based toys like the Satisfyer and Womanizer first arrived on the market. It would be an understatement to say that my curiosity was piqued.

I love blowjobs. I love clit stimulation. I love clitoral suction, and think it is drastically underused and underestimated as a cunnilingus technique. And as a jaded old sex toy reviewer, I love toys that promise new, unique forms of pleasure (so long as they actually follow through on that promise). So, needless to say, I wanted – nay, needed – to put one of these toys on my genitals ASAP.

My pals at Peepshow sent me the Satisfyer Pro 2, a rose-gold little dynamo of a clit stimulator. Like the Womanizer and the other models of Satisfyer, this one produces a suction sensation via “pulsating air” inside its little silicone nozzle. You glom it onto your clit, turn it on, and it starts sucking away. Nifty.

The Satisfyer is absolutely a Womanizer ripoff, but here’s the thing: it’s better than the Womanizer. How much better? Let me count the ways… It’s a hell of a lot cheaper ($60 vs. $99–219). It’s far prettier (the rhinestoned, leopard-print Womanizer looks like it was designed for a bad Liberace impersonator in a porn parody). Its hourglassy shape feels more ergonomic in my hand. It has a wider variety of speeds (11 vs. 8). It’s waterproof. It’s not called the fucking Womanizer.

I also disliked the comparatively bigger jumps between speeds on my original Womanizer. The Satisfyer’s speeds ramp up more gradually, so I don’t encounter overstimulation or discomfort nearly as much. Considering that this type of toy is all about direct clitoral stimulation – which I normally find too intense – those tiny jumps between speeds are important. I can sometimes enjoy direct clit stim if it’s very gentle, the way the lower speeds on the Satisfyer are – but if, like my pal JoEllen, you categorically hate direct clit stim, you will hate both the Satisfyer and the Womanizer.

Some people say they find the suction sensation uncomfortable after a few minutes. It definitely engorges the clit, like a clit pump. I enjoy that feeling, but if that idea freaks you out – or if you’ve tried other types of suction toys and found them uncomfortable – then definitely skip these toys.

While I mostly like that suction sensation, it does get a little intense during orgasm. Someone once found my blog by Googling, “Is it normal for the Womanizer to cause orgasm so intense it is painful?” and yeah, that’s normal for the Satisfyer too. When I have an orgasm using a vibrator, I automatically readjust its position on my clit during and after that climax, to accommodate the hypersensitivity that occurs in those few seconds. No such jiggering can be done with the Satisfyer because it stays decidedly suckered onto my clit. Ergo, my orgasms with this toy are punctuated with a sharpness that borders on discomfort. It’s a sensation I semi-enjoy, in a kinky, forced-orgasm, be-a-good-girl-and-take-it sort of way, but I could see it being a dealbreaker for some folks.

the Satisfyer Pro 2 clit stimulator

Remember earlier, when I mentioned that the Satisfyer is waterproof? That’s important, and here’s why: that “pulsating air” technology does some truly cool shit underwater. It basically turns the toy into a little water-jet, as the air coming out of the nozzle sprays water directly onto your clit (or wherever you aim it). For me, this hearkens back to sodden trysts with bath faucets in the early days of my masturbatory career, so it’s a familiar and much-loved sensation. On especially sensitive days, I can get off from that minuscule spraying action alone.

That said, I have an all-time favorite way of using the Satisfyer. If you want to give it a shot, here is my formula for a truly excellent Satisfyer session, the Kate Sloan way…

Step 1: Get super, super, super high. Ideally on a sativa-dominant hybrid. Something zippy and sensual.

Step 2: Put on a long blowjob porn compilation video.

Step 3: Put the Satisfyer on your clit and turn it on.

The combination of weed hypersensitivity, hot-as-fuck BJ visuals, and a vaguely BJ-reminiscent sex toy is almost too much for my stoned brain to handle. It takes me a long time to get to orgasm this way, but once I get into a trippy blowjob-porn trance, I neither know nor care how long I’m jerking off for. The Satisfyer is magical for this purpose, I think partly because it feels so psychedelically different from any other clit toy I own (with the exception, of course, of the Womanizer).

For all these reasons and more, the Satisfyer – not the Womanizer – will be my pick from now on when I’m craving direct clit suction. But that’s not a thing I often crave. My ultra-sensitive clit prefers indirect stimulation, like a Magic Wand pressing through my leggings and underwear, or a Tango wedged against my clitoral shaft. Both Satisfyer and Womanizer brag about the quick and numerous orgasms they can wring out of you, but I find the opposite: my body’s so unaccustomed to the suction sensation that those orgasms take longer and are harder to achieve. They’re worth it, as they’re often more intense, but most of the time I still prefer sweeter, subtler sensations that get me off more easily and reliably.

Sometimes your clit just needs a blowjob, though.

 

Thank you so much to Peepshow Toys for sending me the Satisfyer Pro 2 to review!

Review: Jimmyjane Iconic Wand

jimmyjane-iconic-wand-2

It’s funny that Jimmyjane made a toy called the Iconic Wand when the sex toy world already has an iconic wand. It’s a bit like if Samsung launched a phone called the Iconic Smartphone (bonus points if it was formatted like “iConic”). Like, dude: you’re not fooling anyone.

But I should quit hatin’ on this toy, because it’s actually pretty decent.

My first exposure to the Iconic Wand was when JoEllen mentioned it while I was in Portland. She said that the controls were in an inconvenient place (which they are – more on that in a minute) but I was nonetheless intrigued by the wand’s beautifully simplistic look and its promise of “deep, rumbling vibrations.” So I asked Peepshow Toys to send me one to try, and they hooked me up, like the vibrator angels that they are.

Let’s get this out of the way: the Iconic Wand’s buttons are positioned so oddly that it seems like the toy wasn’t tested by humans prior to its release. Or at least, not by humans with normal wrists with bones and tendons. In order to switch the wand’s mode or speed one-handed, you have to hold it so far down the handle that you’re almost touching the head. Not ideal, Jimmyjane. The toy’s gently curved handle is otherwise very ergonomic and feels good in the hand; this vibe could’ve been improved substantially by just shifting the buttons a few inches up. But alas.

The controls themselves are easy to figure out. There’s a power button and a button that cycles through the wand’s modes and speeds. It has three solid speeds and four patterns, and while I don’t normally love patterns, these ones are kind of great: there’s not a lot of space in between pulses and escalations, so they can actually be a turn-on rather than a drag.

The vibrations are, as advertised, rumbly and strong. YAY. It’s damn impressive that Jimmyjane managed to pack such a punch into a toy that’s only about two-thirds the size of the Hitachi, especially given that Jimmyjane’s vibrations have historically erred on the side of buzzy and inconsistent.

jimmyjane-iconic-wand

While I think the Iconic Wand’s vibrations are more than strong enough to give wonderful orgasms to most folks, it doesn’t work all that well for me, because of its shape. The top of the wand is completely rounded off, so I can’t tilt it for a more pinpointed sensation on my clit like I can with more angular wands. It delivers broad, all-over vulva stimulation, unless I use my other hand to hold my labia wide open – and who wants to do that when that hand could be operating a dildo instead?

The Iconic Wand also vibrates the fuck out of my hand no matter where I grip it. Grrr.

But, you know, it looks very pretty while it’s doing that.

I think the Iconic Wand is a marvelous choice if you want a super-powerful vibrator without the size or weight of a standard massager vibe. It’s elegant, waterproof (!!), has great speeds and patterns, and is possibly one of the best things Jimmyjane’s ever made. But if you need pinpoint stimulation or subtler vibrations, or if you have any wrist mobility issues at all, I would skip this one. After all, the Magic Wand Rechargeable is about $10 cheaper and it’s a tried-and-true classic – it is actually iconic, and for good reason.

Thanks so much to the good folks at Peepshow Toys for supplying me with this toy!

Review: We-Vibe Salsa

I feel pretty “meh” about the We-Vibe proper, but their clitoral vibes are the bomb-diggity. (Is that phrase still a thing?) Previously I swooned over the flat-tipped Tango, so I knew I’d like the pointy-tipped We-Vibe Salsa. And dayum, gurl, it delivers.

The Salsa’s been discontinued (boo!) because it wasn’t selling as well as the Tango. This is sad because a) it’s awesome and b) it had color options that went beyond the typical gendered colors that the sex toy industry tends to offer. My Salsa is a sexy, deep black, but it also came in red and white.

The main thing I love about the We-Vibe clit toys, the thing that makes them indispensable and irreplaceable, is their deep, rumbly, wonderfully strong motor. I don’t think there is another clit vibe on the market that feels like this. It always feels weird and exaggerated when I say that a sex toy company is doing something that literally no one else is doing, but that’s true for these toys. They have no rivals. If you like rumbly power and don’t want to mess with something heavy like the Wahl or big like the Patchy Paul, these tiny vibes are absolutely the way to go.

I also recommend the Tango and Salsa to people all the damn time for these reasons: they’re fully waterproof, they’re quieter than the majority of vibes on the market, they’re rechargeable, and they’re small enough to carry around in your handbag or pocket.

…Not that you would necessarily want to carry them around, though – because, as I observed in my Tango review, they don’t have a locking option for travel. There is a distinct chance that your Salsa will start vibrating in your purse if you put it in there. If that’s okay with you, fine, but I know it would be an issue for me if my vibrator turned on while I was in a sociology lecture or at the movies, so my “on-the-go” vibe will continue to be my Lelo Mia 2 for the time being.

My other major quibble with the Salsa and Tango is that they only have one button, which you have to use to cycle through the 4 speeds and 4 patterns (which, by the way, are pretty good as far as patterns go, if you’re into that sort of thing). Sometimes I want to be able to move back and forth quickly between two or three particular settings, without having to cycle my way back to the beginning again.

The Salsa/Tango uses a very fickle magnetic charging system. The charger attaches to the bottom of the toy magnetically and it has to be just right or it won’t charge. (Hint: you should see a steady light on the bottom of the charger if you’ve done it properly.) This issue, combined with the fact that these vibes have a noticeably short battery life (60-90 minutes of use, depending on which settings you favor), made me mistakenly believe that my Tango’s battery had permanently died from misuse recently. Turns out I just wasn’t charging it right. So watch out for that.

The Salsa and Tango are each about 3 inches long, so there’s not a lot of space between the tip and where you’ll be holding the vibe. That means that your fingers might start to go numb if you use the toy for a while. It’s a worthwhile tradeoff, though, since the vibes’ small stature makes them ideal for using during PIV sex. You can never have too many intercourse-friendly vibrators, if you ask me.

Although the Salsa has a few annoying issues, they are worth overlooking for the totally astonishing quality of its vibrations. My whole clitoral network gets rocked by this toy, resulting in orgasms that feel deeper and happen quicker. Few toys can actually have a noticeable effect on orgasm quality, but this is one that does, so it’s worth picking up.

Review: Lelo Adore Me Pleasure Set

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Just in time for Valentine’s Day, Lelo’s new Adore Me Pleasure Set is yet another addition to the giant pile of Fifty Shades-inspired products – but I would argue that if you’re going to succumb to the trend, this set is a fantastic way to do it.

The set contains three items: the Sutra chainlink cuffs, Intima silk blindfold, and Mia 2. All are lovely, high-quality pieces.

The handcuffs are made of suede and silk, with a metal chain connecting the two. They are supremely comfortable and luxurious. On each cuff, there’s a small metal clamp, so you can attach your hands together. You could also theoretically clamp yourself to your bed if there was a part of it that was slim enough to get the clamps around.

These cuffs are beautiful but I don’t think of them as serious tools of bondage, mainly because I can wriggle my wrists out of them fairly easily, what with them being made of soft materials. Folks with bigger hands may have a harder time getting free, though.

The blindfold is also beautiful. It’s made of silk, blocks out light very well, and has an elastic portion at the back for a comfortable fit.

However, I think it would be too small for many people. It feels a little tight on both me and my boyfriend and starts to feel a little uncomfortable after a few minutes.

The real star of this set is the gorgeous Mia 2, which ordinarily comes in pink, purple, or black, but can be acquired in red only through this set. I used to have an original Mia and liked it but didn’t love it; this update, I truly love.

The Mia 2 is noticeably stronger than its predecessor, and it’s now waterproof – but Lelo kept all the things that made the original Mia great, including its USB rechargeability, amazingly low noise level, elegant shape, and easy-to-press buttons.

The vibrations are sort of on the cusp between buzzy and rumbly. As someone who struggles with quick numbness from overly-buzzy vibes, I love love love the Mia 2. Clits-o’-steel will have trouble getting off with this, but I think it’s more than strong enough for the average user.

The Mia 2 is also, arguably, the perfect travel vibe. It’s lockable, quiet, can be charged anywhere there’s a computer with a USB port, and looks like a lipstick or a memory key. Really, I can’t think of a better vibrator for taking on a trip or tucking into your purse.

At $140, the Adore Me set isn’t cheap, but I think it’s a good value for what it is. You get two stunning soft bondage items and one swell clit vibe. If you need a Valentine’s gift for someone who’s a bit kinky and appreciates fine pleasure objects, it’s hard to go past Lelo.

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Merci, Lelo!