Sextistics: An End-of-Year Sexual Stats Breakdown (2017)

Look, what was the point of keeping a sex spreadsheet and an orgasm spreadsheet all year if not to eventually put together a big, ridiculous post like this?! Here’s a round-up of some relevant stats on my sex life this year. Maybe we’ll learn something from it. Maybe.

Overview

• In 2017, I had 333 orgasms. (My Sir wanted me to hit this number because he found the repeating digits satisfying. Smart man.) That works out to an average of 27.75 per month, 6.4 per week, and 0.91 per day.

• 23.1% of my orgasms (77) happened during partnered sex; the remaining 76.9% were the result of masturbation (256).

• I had partnered sex 82 times in 2017. That’s an average of 6.83 times per month, 1.58 per week, and 0.22 per day.

Compared to Last Year…

• I had 64% more sex.

• I had 148% more orgasms from partnered sex.

• I had 8% more partners.

Partners

• I had a total of 13 partners this year, 3 of which were romantic partners, 3 of which were ongoing casual bang-buddies, and 5 of which were short-term hook-ups. (The other 2 were a pair of people who gave me an erotic massage, and I’m not entirely sure whether to count them!)

• 12 of my partners this year (92.3%) were new additions to my life this year, bringing my total lifetime partners thus far up to 29 (that’s a 70.6% increase from this time last year).

• The partners who made me come the most were, predictably, romantic partners and longer-term FWBs. My sex life benefits greatly from having partners who know my body and make me feel comfortable.

• My partners this year were, on average, 5.6 years older than me, with my favorites tending to be 8–11 years older than me. The youngest person I banged was 24 and the oldest was 36.

• 76.9% of my partners were cis men, 15.4% were cis women, and 7.7% were nonbinary folks.

• The most common methods by which I met my sexual partners this year were OkCupid (3), Twitter (3), and Tinder (2). (The methods resulting in my highest-quality partners, if “amount of orgasms they gave me” is our only measure of quality, were Twitter and… meeting them at our mutual workplace. Whoops!)

Locations

• I had sex in a total of 14 different locations this year.

• The top 5 locations in which I most frequently had sex were my old bedroom at my parents’ place (26 times), my most serious 2017 boyfriend’s new apartment (19) and his old apartment (11), the Oasis Aqualounge sex club (9), and a long-distance beau’s Long Island home (4) – but I also notably had sex in a spooky Long Island City hotel, a fancy Marriott in downtown T.O., and an alley behind a restaurant in the Annex.

• The locations likeliest to result in orgasm for me were my own home (96.4%) and various hotels and apartments where I boned boyfriends and long-term bang-buddies (100%–300%) because those are places I felt comfortable and able to relax.

• The locations least likely to result in orgasm for me were Oasis (55.6%), the aforementioned alley, and the apartments of people I didn’t know well, because – hey, wouldja look at that! – it turns out I need to feel comfortable and relaxed someplace in order to reach orgasm there.

Highs and Lows

• My most sexually active month was May (24 times), because I was deep in New Relationship Energy with my first daddy dom and our mutually-unlocked perviness was off the charts.

• My least sexually active month was January (1 time), because I was trying to take a conscious break from dating/hookups at that time. I made a concession for a hotel sex-date with my long-term fuckbuddy because of course I did.

• I had the most orgasms in October (32) and the fewest in November (21). The whims of my libido are a mystery to me.

• The most orgasms I had in one day was 3, which happened on January 23rd, March 12th, March 31st, May 15th, July 21st, August 7th, August 24th, and October 1st. Whoops, I’m a horndog.

• The most orgasms I had in one partnered-sex session was 3, when me and a highly sexually skilled FWB holed up in a New York hotel room in January and fucked for several hours with excellent toys. Multiple orgasms are pretty rare for me but there were 9 other occasions throughout the year when someone managed to give me more than one in a session.

Correlations

• The partnered sexual acts most highly correlated with orgasm for me were receiving oral sex (22 times – all with the same person), a vibe on my clit + a partner’s fingers inside me (21), my own fingers on my clit + a partner’s fingers inside me (18), and my own fingers on my clit + a partner’s dick inside me (4).

• The factors likeliest to lead to me not coming were moderate-to-heavy alcohol consumption (it stunts sensitivity and, for me, often indicates I’m not comfortable), a location where I couldn’t relax, and a partner I didn’t know well enough (I have a ton of anxiety around “taking too long”!). Less of these in 2018, please.

• I notice that my most memorable encounters of the year tended to involve bondage (rope and under-the-bed restraints especially), good sex toys, extensive oral sex (giving and/or receiving), spanking, and PIV. This tells me power exchange and pain are pretty important to my enjoyment of sex (understatement of the year!) and in 2018 I should get even better at a) asking for what I want and b) bringing toys with me when I think I might be having sex.

• I noticed in years previous that sometimes my highly sexually active months would also be my highest-income months. That didn’t seem to hold true this year, with my horniest month (May) being my second-lowest income month, and my far-and-away most profitable month (November) being my least horny month. It’s almost like my brain can focus on making lots of money or having lots of sex but not both at once. Gulp.

Toys

• My most-used toys with partners were the We-Vibe Tango (19 times), S-Curve (6), and Magic Wand Rechargeable (5). Kink-wise, my Lexan paddle and Weal & Breech paddle both got a lot of love.

• My most-used vibrators overall were the We-Vibe Tango (93 times), Magic Wand Rechargeable (83), and Doxy Die Cast (30).

• My most-used dildos overall were the Standard Glass S-Curve (65 times), Fucking Sculptures Double Trouble (26), and Fucking Sculptures Corkscrew (14). Interesting that they’re all glass! I guess I know what I like.

• My most-used other toys were the Liberator Jaz (so useful!), Njoy Pure Plugs, and under-the-bed restraints.

Fantasy Fodder

• The sexual acts I most often fantasized about during masturbation were PIV (47 times), fingerbanging (42), and receiving oral sex (38). Preeetty predictable.

• The dirty-talk phrases I most often fantasized about were variations on “come all over my cock” (we discuss the whys of this in a recent Dildorks episode), being called a “little girl” or a “good girl,” “I’m not gonna stop until you come,” and thinking of partners as “Daddy.” (No surprise there.)

• The types of porn I most commonly jerked off to were blowjob porn (51 times), specifically Heather Harmon blowjob porn (25), cunnilingus porn (28), and PIV porn (16). I favored a lot of amateur stuff this year. Gloryholes and forced/”involuntary” orgasms were also big themes.

• The real-life people I fantasized about most often were people I’d been in love with or could see myself falling in love with, and local theatre actors. Whoops.

 

I hope you have an amazing New Year’s Eve and an even more amazing 2018, babes! Are you going to track your sex life in a nerdy way next year comme moi? Let me know in the comments!

Monthly Faves: Gloryholes, Glass, & Giggly Girl Gangs

It feels ridiculous to talk about anything not geopolitical at the moment. But I still believe in goodness in the world, in the form of legal and financial supporters of the cause, brave protesters doing what’s right, or even something as comparatively mundane as good sex. If you need to tear your attention away from the news for a while and read about less pressing matters, like dildos and lipstick, I’m your girl. Let’s dive in and talk about what I loved most in January…

Sex toys

Bex bought me the best gift this month: a Standard Glass S-Curve dildo in my signature shade of turquoise. When they handed it to me, they said, “It’ll hit your A-spot,” but I wasn’t sure – the curve looked too extreme for that. But of course, they are a genius and were totally right. My fuckbuddy pounded me with the S-Curve within 24 hours of me receiving it, and he declared it was “like the Double Trouble on easy mode”: it hits my A-spot just as well but is much lighter, smaller, and easier to manoeuver. I’ll never doubt Bex again!

• I bought myself a kinky Christmas present: an 8-ball Billiard Banger from KinkMachineWorks. It’s soooo thuddy, almost like being punched. As always, I can’t recommend this li’l Etsy shop’s impact toys highly enough. (Look how pretty!!)

• I felt a particular appreciation for the We-Vibe Tango this month, both because I used it a lot (including for THREE ORGASMS during a hotel sex-date with my hardworkin’ FWB – swoon!) and because I’ve been selling plenty of them in my new job as a sex-shop salesgirl. It’s still the best, rumbliest rechargeable clit vibe on the market – and at only $80, it’s cheaper than a lot of comparable-but-less-good vibes out there.

Fantasy fodder

• I’ve had a thing for gloryhole porn on-and-off for years, and this month it came back with a vengeance. Right now I’m particularly enamored with “TheCarnivore,” who films himself sucking cocks in his home-built gloryhole shed in Florida. His deepthroating skills are a thing to behold!

• I’ve also been enjoying a fella named CumControl101 who makes videos of himself manually edging dudes til they’re whining and begging to come. Men’s pleasure sounds are one of my biggest turn-ons, so I like the ones who make a lot of noise

• An eccentric confession: sometimes, when I am high, I masturbate to makeup tutorials on YouTube. I am not jerking off over the prettiness of the ladies therein, in the way of that creep who probably wanks to your Facebook photos without your knowledge; there is, instead, some connection my high-brain makes between femme glee and carnal joy. When I’m just the right amount of intoxicated on just the right type of weed, my usually chaste excitement about glitter and lipstick can take on a saucy tone. Brains are strange, man.

Sexcetera

• I’ve been keeping a spreadsheet of all my orgasms thus far in 2017, like a fuckin’ nerd. It’s titled “Orgasm Registry” in my Google Drive, and yes, it is a separate document from my partnered-sex spreadsheet. It’s been interesting to track the ebbs and flows of my libido (predictably, it ebbs when I’m tired and overworked, and flows when I’m blazin’ on the regs), the toys I use most often (the Magic Wand Rechargeable, Double Trouble, and Tango), and how many orgasms I had in January (30!). But what interests me most is the “fantasy fodder” column – such a pure and true reflection of my innermost perviness. It sure is humbling to have to write down what you were thinking about right before orgasm!

• Some of my writing elsewhere this month: I wrote about the connection between promiscuity and empathy for the Establishment, and complained about mediocre men and femininity-diminishing anxiety on Medium. On our podcast, Bex and I talked about masturbation, social media flirting, shitty sex toy marketing, and being a publicly sexual person (that last one featured special guest Cooper S. Beckett, who was a dream!). As always, you can pledge to my Patreon for regular updates on what I’m up to.

Femme stuff

• I’ve been really into perfume lately, thanks in large part to the influence of The Dry Down and the ladies who write it. I read Tynan Sinks describe John Varvatos cologne as smelling like “if you spilled a chai latte into an old leather jacket,” so, obviously, I ordered a sample immediately. It’s supposedly a masculine scent, full of balsam, coriander, and vanilla, but it wears so beautifully on feminine little me. It makes me feel like a cupcake wearing a black leather ballgown to a kink soirée. I love it so much that when I lost my sample vial of it, I ordered another one immediately.

• Lipstick-wise, I’ve been oscillating steadily between Rouge d’Armani in “Lucky Red” (which I wrote about in November) and Sugarpill’s “Girl Crush.” A cool-toned red and a hot pink – how predictable pour moi! Sometimes I wish I were more adventurous in this realm, but hey, sometimes you just find what works for you and want to stick with it.

• A beauteous turquoise leather Coach tote (the “turnlock tote in crossgrain leather“) was on sale for half-price, so I snapped it up. I am in love: it’s roomy as hell, has secret pockets galore, and is the most brilliant, aggressively bright color. I brought it with me to New York as my carry-on and it comfortably fit my laptop, charger, journal, headphones, travel documents, makeup bag, wallet, glasses, and a book. Amaze.

Little things

Ringing in the new year with a bunch of sex-positive weirdos. Samantha giving us Alka-Seltzer tablets to take home after a rowdy New Year’s Eve party. Respecting and working with the natural rhythms of my mental health. Empathetic friends. My cozy new bedding and fluffy pillows. Good moisturizer. My mom bringing me Jamaican chickpea soup because wintertime makes me grumpy. The mental health mantra “No moment is unendurable.” Hitting 5,000 Twitter followers! My new phone wallpaper. Writing by candlelight. Shooting new headshots with Cadence, forever my favorite person to be photographed by. Good interviews with sweet sources over coffee. My new job at a sex shop! Giggly bralette-shoppin’ with Suz and Rosaline. Editing podcasts in cafés and train stations and hotel rooms. Recording Dildorks episodes with Brent and Kenton (they’ll be out over the next couple months!). Bex showing up to rescue me from an anxiety attack at a New York subway station, wearing a Batman onesie and a collar and carrying a bright yellow box of Kleenex. The Daily Mail writing about me (!). Excellent editors. My new pipe. When Bex and I tried not to burst out laughing while a waiter served me cacio e pepe from a giant block of cheese. Coffee Crisp bars. A boy telling me he can only wear mesh boxer-briefs for a couple hours at a time because they’re “very taxing on the sac.”

What sexy or sex-adjacent things did you enjoy this month, babes?

Why (and How) to Keep a Sex Spreadsheet

screenshot of my sex spreadsheet

When I talked about my sex spreadsheet on The Dildorks and later posted a screenshot of it on Twitter, I got asked a few times: “Why do you keep a sex spreadsheet?!”

While at first I was taken aback by this question – who wouldn’t want all kinds of nerdy data about their sex life?! – I pondered it more and realized it’s a totally fair thing to ask. Not everyone is as geeky about sex as me and my friends, and not everyone delights in neatly organized spreadsheets like we do.

So why keep a spreadsheet of your sexcapades? Here’s a few possible reasons…

To track your sexual patterns. My sex spreadsheet was instrumental in my decision to avoid one-night stands in 2017, because, in looking at the data, I saw that none of my one-night stands this past year resulted in orgasm for me. Granted, orgasm is far from the only measure of good sex, but it’s a starting point – and that piece of data got me thinking about how one-off sex with near-strangers disappoints me in bigger ways, too.

It was also helpful for me to think back on the sexual encounters I remembered most fondly, and look at the data to try to figure out why those particular experiences were so great. Do certain toys work especially well for me in partnered sex? (Yes.) Do I have better and more consistent orgasms with partners I’ve already banged a bunch of times? (Yes.) Do certain sexual acts rev my motor more than others? (Yes and yes.) You get the picture.

For health reasons. When pregnancy and STI scares happen, it’s useful to be able to go back through your sex record to see when conception or transmission may have happened, and with whom. If you’re armed with this knowledge, you’ll be able to get better and more accurate medical care if needed, and you’ll have fewer mysteries to worry about.

I also found it interesting this year to track my partnered-sex orgasms while I was (briefly) on sensitivity-stunting antidepressants. I was on sertraline (generic Zoloft) for most of the month of May, and I didn’t start having orgasms with partners again until July. Yikes.

As a self-esteem booster. When I’m in the throes of a depressive episode, I believe myself to be useless human garbage who no one could possibly find attractive or interesting. In combating this, it can be helpful for me to read compliments friends have given me in the past, mentally replay my greatest achievements, and – yes! – look at my sex spreadsheet.

Of course, the amount of sex you have is not at all a measure of your worth as a human. But when I’m feeling down, and half-believe no one will ever want to fuck me again, I can glance at my spreadsheet and see all the people who have wanted to fuck me, and all the many times we have indeed fucked. It reminds me that I’ve been a foxy hottie before and will feel like one again, someday.

For the nerdy fun of it! Having data at your fingertips is exciting for any nerd. You can do so much fun shit with it!

For example, in analyzing my 2016 sexsheet, I learned that:
• My highest-earning months were also my most sexually active months.
• I gave somewhere in the neighborhood of 47 blowjobs in 2016.
• A high orgasm ratio does not necessarily guarantee a good partner. (My fave sex partners of the year gave me orgasms about 60-70% of the times we fucked.)
• Of all the sexual acts that can potentially get me off, fingerbanging is the one most highly correlated with orgasm for me.

screenshot of my sex spreadsheet

Finally, some tips on how to make a sex spreadsheet of your own

Make columns for anything you’re interested in tracking. I think “Date,” “Partner(s),” and “Location” are must-have columns, but beyond that, it’s up to you what you want to keep a record of. My spreadsheet measures the following: whether I had an orgasm (and how many), whether my partner(s) did, how many times I had had sex with that particular partner at that time, what toys we used, and which of my favorite sexual acts we partook in (fingerfucking, BJs, spanking, PIV, and cunnilingus). I also have a “Notes” column which is for any miscellaneous information I might want to remember about that encounter – e.g. that I was sick that day, that we were both stoned, or that we had just had a big argument about feminism…!

Add new entries ASAP, or else you’re apt to forget the details. I have a few cells in my spreadsheet that simply say “??” because I cannot remember, for example, whether I gave a BJ that particular night, or which vibe I used. I guess that speaks to the forgettability of those encounters, but it also frustrates me in retrospect, because I want my data to be complete, dammit!

Color-code, if you’re into that. I know, I know, the color-coding in my spreadsheet is hideous. I have a different color for each partner, so that I can see at a glance who I was frequently fucking at any given time. I also use green and red to denote yeses and no’s in the “Did I come?” and “Did they come?” columns – again, so that I can see patterns at a glance. I would imagine there are all sorts of creative color-coding schemes you could employ in your own spreadsheet; if you have ideas or suggestions, please share ’em in the comments!

Analyze the data regularly, like at the end of every month or every three months or every year (depending on how much sex you’re having, I guess). Look for patterns, problems, places where you could make improvements – and then set yourself some goals or challenges accordingly. Data is useless if you don’t learn anything from it!

Try not to stress yourself (or your partners) out. You absolutely do not have to keep a spreadsheet if the very idea gives you nervous sweats! This approach can feel like an overly quantitative, borderline-dehumanizing way to process your sexual experiences, and I get that. For me, it’s good nerdy fun, but for others, it could be a source of anxiety. You do you, babe!

Have you ever kept a sex spreadsheet or any other kind of sex record? What were/are your reasons? What kinds of things do you keep track of?