In the wake of all the recent discourse around #MeToo, assault, and harassment, many questions have been raised about consent.
Some folks on social media shout that they don’t know how to interact romantically or sexually when there’s a perceived rape accusation around every corner, that they’re terrified to make a move now, or that – *melodramatic gasp* – the human race will surely die out as a result of this increased focus on consent.
Nope! The truth is, and has always been: asking for consent is neither optional nor difficult. And though some people whine that direct consent-asks “ruin the mood,” they’re really just demonstrating their own lack of finesse and creativity when they say that. There are dozens of smooth, fun, and hot ways to ask for consent.
1. “I’d really love to…”
2. “How would you like it if I…?”
3. “How would you feel if I…?”
4. “May I?”
5. “Can I please…?”
6. “What do you want?”
7. “Do you like…?”
9. “It’d be so hot if…”
10. “Would it make you happy if I…?”
11. “Does that feel good? Do you want more?”
12. “Is this okay?”
13. “I can’t stop thinking about [kissing/touching/spanking] you…”
14. “How can I make you feel good?”
15. “Where would you love to be touched right now?”
16. “Have you ever…? Would you like to?”
17. “Lately I’m curious about…”
18. “What’s your favorite [sex position/way to get off/way to be kissed/etc.]?”
19. “How do you feel about…?”
20. “I bet you’d look gorgeous/hot/cute [kneeling in front of me/pinned against a wall/holding my leash]…”
21. “Right now I’m wondering [how you taste/what you sound like when you get spanked/how hard you like to be fucked/etc.]…”
22. “Could we try…?”
23. “What do you think about [spanking/swallowing/etc]…?”
24. “Where do you like to be touched?”
25. “Call me _________. What do you want me to call you?”
26. “I really love it when you…”
27. “How hard/rough do you want it?”
28. “I have this fantasy where… Would you want to try it?”
29. “What are you in the mood for right now?”
30. “There are so many things I want to do to/with you that I don’t know where to start. Thoughts?”
31. “If you want me to ____, you’re going to have to beg for it.”
32. “Show me how you want to be touched.”
33. “It doesn’t seem like you like this, should I stop?” (If they seem uncertain but are at least partially sending “this is good” signals)
34. “Do you want me to ____ before ___, or ____ and then ____?” (e.g. “have you suck my cock before I finger you, or should I tie you up and then spank you?”)
35. (Teasing tone) “Hmm, what should we get up to first/now/tonight?”
36. “We could do [thing the other person suggested], but I’m really fantasizing about ____…”
37. “I was thinking about buying/bringing a [type of sex toy]. Would you like to try that with me?”
38. “I would really like to ____ right now, [if that’s okay/how does that sound to you?/if you would enjoy that].”
39. “How do you want to get off?”
40. “Tell me what you’re fantasizing/thinking about.”
41. “What do you want to do to me right now?”
42. “You know what really turns me on?”
43. “So, I had this really hot dream the other night…”
44. “I found this sexual fantasies checklist; want to fill it out with me?”
45. “What are your limits/boundaries?”
46. “Are you ready for another [finger/spank/slap/flog]?”
47. “I have this [sex toy], can I show you how I like to use it?”
48. “I really wish I could [kiss/make out/sex act] with you right now.”
49. “I’m not interested in [X sex act] tonight, but I’d really love to…”
50. “Wow, you make me [wet/hard], would you want to [feel/taste]?”
What are your favorite ways to ask for consent?
Contributors to this post (ordered alphabetically), all of whom are rad as fuck and whose writing you should check out immediately:
Mx Nillin is a queer, non-binary, non-monogamous kinkster who blogs about sex, gender, relationships, and much more. Their “Mx Nillin Fucks” series of blog posts is a hilarious and fascinating adventure where they attempt to stick their girl cock into various inanimate objects, ranging from a warm apple pie to a pool noodle to a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and review the experience.
Sugarcunt is a non-binary, kinky, queer switch who is legitimately one of the kindest and funniest people I’ve ever met. Their review of misogynist instructional book “Jack’s Blowjob Lessons” is the stuff of legends, truly. They also recently wrote about how to enhance a hookup with pre-sex sexting and it’s excellent advice.
Suz is a queer femme who blogs about sex toys, dating, consent in the age of social media, and more. She’s one of the foremost Tinder experts I know, so her online-dating advice is top-notch and actionable. She also recently wrote about defining casual relationships for Elite Daily.
Taryn is an asexual and biromantic sex blogger who writes about sex toys, asexuality, and (usefully for anyone interested in getting into the blogging biz) SEO for sex bloggers. She does important work, busting myths about asexuality while also providing balanced, entertaining reviews of sex toys.
Taylor J Mace is a genderqueer trans boy who teaches informative workshops about kink and communication, makes super hot porn, and blogs about sex toys, kink, and more. They’re also really, really good at planning group sex, which we discussed with them on The Dildorks podcast.