I find it simultaneously comforting and awe-inspiring that sex is such a holistic activity. It uses your body (obvi!) as well as your logic, your emotions, and sometimes even your spirit, if you believe in such a thing.
If you think of it that way, you start to realize how much your various life experiences have made you not only a better person but also a better sexual person. Here are some of my recent revelations in that regard…
1. Owning a pet.
No, y’all, this is not about bestiality!
When you own a pet – a pet who you love and touch and spend time with – you have to be attuned to that animal’s moods and responses. If you stroke your cat too lightly, it could tickle her, but if you push down too hard, it could hurt. If you give your dog too many snuggles, he might feel smothered and take off, but if you give him room to breathe, he’ll probably chillax. Get my drift?
Learning how to love your pet is a great way to learn how to walk right up to a sexual partner’s affection/pleasure threshold without crossing any lines that might cause them discomfort or pain. Of course, non-pet-owners can and do learn these skills too, but surely having a pet is more fun!
2. Volunteering at a support hotline.
I may have mentioned that I sometimes work at a phone line where youth can call in with questions about relationships, sex, or whatever’s troubling them. It can be emotionally draining work and I have to keep up with my self-care in order to do it, but in a lot of ways it’s also very fulfilling.
One of the things we learn in our training is a “basic listening sequence,” i.e. a series of active listening techniques. It involves things like asking open-ended questions (“How does that make you feel?”), mirroring emotions (“Sounds like you’re feeling angry”), normalizing (“Yes, a lot of people have that same problem”), and avoiding giving direct advice (“What do you think would happen if you were to try x?”). And guess what? A lot of these techniques translate well to having hard conversations with your sexual partner(s).
I am a firm believer in having occasional check-ins with your lover instead of just letting things always remain the way they are. It’s good to ask, “Are you happy with our sex life?” “Is there anything you’d like me to do differently?” “Is there anything new you’d like to try?” Asking these sorts of questions, and then actively listening to the responses, has taken my sex life to amazing new levels time and time again.
3. Yoga.
Oh, man. Even just typing the word “yoga” makes my body feel all buzzy and calm and blissed out. It is a mega restorative practice for body and mind.
This barely even needs to be explained, but: anything that makes you more aware of your body (how it moves, how it feels, what it is and isn’t capable of) will naturally make you better at sex and more able to enjoy yourself during sexual experiences.
Not to mention, a lot of the slow, methodical, meditative breathing stuff that you learn in yoga classes is sorta similar to the mindful breathing that tantric practitioners preach about.
What non-sexual practices make your sex life better?
Photo credits: YouWall, SelfAssess Listen, Women’s Health.