Increasingly, I document my life in tweets. When doing year-end summaries and round-ups, I used to look at my journals; now I mostly look at my tweets. They’re wee little in-the-moment expressions of excitement, devastation, contentment, rage. They’re bite-sized emotional journeys. Or sometimes they’re just dumb jokes.
Here are 8 of my favorite things I’ve tweeted this year. It was really impossible to pick the 8 best ones, because I’ve tweeted thousands upon thousands of times this year. But here’s a few that I think are pretty good.
Cocktimism: the pervasive belief that people want to have sex with you
— Kate Sloan (@Girly_Juice) February 7, 2016
My Twitter followers have come to expect goofy puns and portmanteaux from me – I’ve coined terms like femcouragement, Tindirge, sexthaustion, dilgrimage, and cumedian. “Cocktimism” was one of my favorites this year, though. I just think it’s a nice idea. (The opposite, incase you were wondering, is – of course – pessijism.)
[thinking about how much I miss giving head]
“Who’s a girl gotta blow around here to get a… oh… wait…”
— Kate Sloan (@Girly_Juice) September 28, 2016
I’ve had this thought so many times. The BJ thirst is real, y’all.
I think a Hitachi is something you should own, as a courtesy, even if you don’t use it yourself. Like tiny soaps in the guest bedroom.
— Kate Sloan (@Girly_Juice) March 1, 2016
This is not a joke; I really do think that if you’re sexually active, you should consider keeping a Magic Wand on hand, just incase. As I’ve told you before, I greatly appreciate past partners who’ve handed me a Hitachi mid-bang, purely to increase my pleasure. What angels!
— Kate Sloan (@Girly_Juice) October 8, 2016
This is a sick burn that you can feel free to use, the next time a man slides into your DMs demanding free nudes with the shameless entitlement of a cartoon Donald Trump on steroids.
Me in 2011: Alright, I’ll give a blowjob. I guess. If I have to.
Me in 2016: FILL MY SLUTTY MOUTH PLEASE SIR
— Kate Sloan (@Girly_Juice) April 3, 2016
This tweet is utterly emblematic of my transforming attitude on blowjobs. Where there was once reluctance, there is now only extreme enthusiasm. Funny what a good dick can do.
Date someone who reacts to you the way I just reacted to finding half a Kitkat in my purse
— Kate Sloan (@Girly_Juice) April 19, 2016
I think I tweeted this while drunk, because I don’t remember writing it. I just know that every time I stumble across it again, I burst out laughing.
Modern romance is slowly seducing someone, brain-first, with artfully chosen gifs, YouTube links and hastily-typed confessions.
— Kate Sloan (@Girly_Juice) July 5, 2016
As someone who has met most of my sexual and romantic partners online, I have a lot of feelings about “modern romance.” I get nostalgic about MSN Messenger, sappy about Twitter avatars, and precious about Spotify playlists. Read receipts make my heartbeat quicken; Snapchat notifications light up my smile. Internet-era dating is just gonna get weirder as time goes on, folks, and I am 100% okay with that.
My dad just said “You sound tired, like somebody’s been doing something in your mouth” & it took me TOO LONG to realize he meant the dentist
— Kate Sloan (@Girly_Juice) November 15, 2016
This happened after I’d given two BJs in a 24-hour period and then gone to a dentist appointment, so, needless to say, it really threw me for a loop. I don’t think my dad had the slightest clue why I laughed so damn hard.
What were your favorite tweets of 2016?