dildo

Review Uberrime Dulce dildo

Kate Sloan

Few things can boost my mood like colorful dildos – and that’s exactly what arrived for me, one rainy day back in August, when I’d been moping around the apartment about… well, I actually don’t remember what was bumming me out, because those thoughts were banished from my head by the arrival of a box from Uberrime, containing no fewer than four colorful dildos (plus five miniature ones!).

Today I want to talk to you about the Dulce dildo. It stood out from the pack immediately, even amongst such a smorgasbord, because of its G-spot curve. It made me think of a friend of mine who told me, back in our mid-twenties, that she’d never had a G-spot orgasm before meeting her then-boyfriend, but was suddenly able to do so – because his dick had a remarkable upward curve that hit the spot just right.

The Dolce, much like that man’s legendary dick, has a traditional penis-esque shape but is also deeply curved, so you get the best of both worlds: a familiarly phallic form, complete with bulbous head and pronounced coronal ridge, but with a curve rarely seen on human cocks.

As with much of Uberrime’s catalogue, you can customize the Dulce according to your needs. The one sent to me by the brand has a gorgeous ombré of greenish-yellow and rich turquoise; I’m obsessed with this colorway! This is the the ‘large’ size, which has an insertable length of 7 inches, and a diameter of 1.83 inches at its widest point. (They also make a small version which is 6″ by 1.55″.) I’m not sure of the shore, i.e. the firmness of this particular silicone formation, but if I had to guess, I’d say it’s probably the 12a/’medium’ shore.

I always appreciate a dildo that can hit my G-spot and my A-spot – ideally both at once, but it’s even impressive to be able to hit both spots at all! – and the Dulce definitely qualifies. It’s best at G-spot stimulation, which makes sense, as it’s designed to hit G-spots and prostates – but once I’m properly turned on, I can push it a couple inches deeper and its squishy tip will nudge my A-spot on each thrust, while the subtle veiny-ish texture on its shaft massages my G-spot. It can’t target my A-spot quite as effectively as something slim, like the Standard Glass S-Curve, because my cervix gets in the way, but it still feels good in that general area.

I love the size and firmness of this dildo for times when I feel like getting absolutely railed. It feels like it fills me up completely, and it gives my cunt muscles something pleasantly squishy to squeeze around. The silicone has a glossy finish which slides easily when well-lubed (water-based only, please!), such that I can fuck myself hard and fast with this toy even when I’m having a bad hand pain day. It helps massively that the Dulce’s base is chunky enough for me to always keep a good grip on it – and I appreciate that the text on the toy’s base can be used as a visual indicator to keep the curve facing upward.

The Dulce’s two most striking features are its curve and its coronal ridge, and both are fantastic. Like, eyes-rolling-back-in-my-head fantastic. I’ve noticed that when I’m using the Dulce, I can usually keep my clitoral vibrator on a lower speed than I’d otherwise need to, because the dildo is so stimulating. When I thrust with it quickly and rhythmically, I can bring myself to delicious blended orgasms that feel centered in my G-spot, A-spot, or both. Hopefully sometime one of my partners will strap this on and fuck me with it, because I think they’d enjoy seeing my intense reactions! (And speaking of strap-ons, this dildo would look marvelous in my raspberry-pink leather harness!)

Overall, the Dulce is pretty close to being my ideal realistic dildo. The only thing I don’t like about this toy is that it’s too big to fit comfortably in my mouth for a dildo BJ – but I forget about that entirely once it’s inside me, knocking the thoughts out of my head each time it hits one of my spots. Gosh, isn’t it wonderful when a dildo feels as good as it looks?

 

This review was NOT sponsored; Uberrime just sent me this toy and I loved it. Thank you, Uberrime!

Review: Wildolo Nut & Bolt No.1 realistic dildo

Kate Sloan

Have you ever met somebody so cool and sexy that you felt like, “I don’t even know if I could handle having sex with this person, but I sure want to try!”?

Yeah, that was me with the Wildolo Nut & Bolt No.1 dildo. And it worked out pretty damn well for me. Let’s talk about it.

With hand for scale

What is the Wildolo Nut & Bolt No.1?

Apparently Wildolo is a subsidiary of Hismith, makers of the bestselling Hismith sex machine – huh, small world! While perhaps best known for their fantasy dildos, Wildolo also makes more humanoid options – including the Nut & Bolt No.1, which they asked me to review.

It’s a silicone dildo that looks super realistic, aside from its uncommon dimensions (and the preternatural shininess of its dick skin). Described by Wildolo as “short, thick, and ruthless,” this dildo has an insertable length of 3.94″, and a diameter that tops out somewhere around 2.1″. (Wish I could be more exact, but I am in the midst of an international move and I already packed my tape measure 😂 Sex toy reviewer problems…) It’s relatively unusual to see a dildo this short and thick on the market. I enjoyed pairing it with fantasies about a giant who is considered to have a small penis amongst his own people, but whose dick is comically massive by human standards, and how that might affect him psychologically if we fucked. (Yes, my brain is strange. What of it?)

In addition to its impressive measurements, the Nut & Bolt No.1 also boasts a few other cool features: it has a sturdy suction-cup base (which also makes it anal-safe and harness-compatible), it vibrates, and its vibrations can be controlled remotely via the Wildolo app.

Things I like about the Wildolo Nut & Bolt No.1:

  • Damn, that’s a thick dick! I was worried about my ability to handle it, initially, because I’ve been so stressed/busy for the last couple of months that I’ve barely taken my pants off to masturbate, let alone used any penetrative toys… but with enough warm-up and wetness, I actually found this dildo not only comfortable, but immensely pleasurable. Its glossy silicone surface glides well when enough water-based lube is applied, its tip is slightly tapered for easier insertion, and it stretches me out gradually as I gently push it in. I’m nowhere near as much of a size queen as I was in my mid-twenties, but the girthiness of this dildo really hits the spot (so to speak) when I’m craving that sensation of being stretched and filled.
  • Speaking of “hitting the spot,” I was surprised that this Wildolo vibrating dildo manages to stimulate both my G-spot and my A-spot at once. It makes sense that it’s G-spotty: it’s got a pronounced coronal ridge that slides back and forth over that spot with every thrust, and its sizeable girth pretty much forces that ridge against your spot. (I assume it would stimulate a prostate similarly well.) But somehow, its upturned tip, though quite thick, can nudge at the periphery of my A-spot too, creating an all-around super-stimulating and satisfying sensation for me. There was even one quick-pulsing vibration pattern that reminded me of a partner rhythmically fingering my A-spot!
  • Because of its intense girth and G-spottiness, this dildo can make me squirt with very little effort on my part. In fact it pretty much guarantees that I will squirt when I come, even if I barely move the dildo at all during the lead-up. Neat!
  • I really like the balance Wildolo struck between hardness and softness with this silicone formulation. It feels realistically erection-like: squishy enough to bend with my body and remain comfortable throughout each thrust, but firm enough to be able to pound away when I need that. I also love that the silicone’s surface is glossy, because it makes for a smoother glide and means that my hands and arms don’t get as tired out when I thrust with this toy.
  • Downloading and installing the Wildolo app on my phone + connecting it to the toy took under a minute, total. The app itself, while a bit confusing and overstuffed with features (as sex toy apps often are), was also easy enough to pick up. I can control my own toy via the app, or invite a long-distance partner to do so. You get a lot of control over vibration intensity, can create your own patterns and try out other people’s creations, etc.
  • The suction-cup base is a nice touch. It allows you to use this toy hands-free if you want to, and also makes it anal-safe and harness-compatible. This is the kind of toy that makes me wish I had more mobility in my knees/hips so I could sit down on top of it and ride it, since that seems like the optimal way to use a dildo like this, ideally suction-cupped to a tile floor (or a big heavy hardcover book, if you’re in bed!).
  • The vibrations are pretty quiet, even at high speeds, as they’re significantly muted by the thick silicone (plus your own flesh, when in use). I don’t think this toy could be heard through a closed door. Gotta love a discreet dick!
  • I think $70 is a very fair price for this toy, given that some other realistic silicone dildos will run you 100+ and they often don’t even vibrate.

Things I don’t like about the Wildolo Nut & Bolt No.1:

  • The vibration is, like… fine. It’s buzzy/high-pitched and not particularly strong, and there’s only 3 speeds followed by 7 patterns (although you can customize speeds/patterns much more precisely using the Wildolo app). I’m not the biggest fan of internal vibration anyway, but if you are, I think you’d probably prefer a toy with a rumblier/lower-pitched motor than this one.

Final thoughts

Call me a basic bitch if you must, but I like cock – and the Wildolo Nut & Bolt No.1 is a well-made, realistic silicone cock that stimulates my internal erogenous zones with aplomb, and leaves me dizzily breathless in a puddle of my own squirt. Is it perfect? No. But real cocks aren’t, either, and I can still come all over them.

On a personal note, this was the last review I had to get done before moving from Toronto to New York. (As I write this, I am surrounded by packed boxes and other detritus.) Initially I was annoyed with myself for procrastinating such that I needed to pause in the middle of packing to give this toy one final test and then write my review. But time and time again, I found myself feeling grateful that it was this toy, and not some shitty, annoying disappointment. This dildo actually felt worth fucking, even during such a chaotic week – and it even relieved some of my stress. Shout-out to Wildolo – I’m gonna go pack this toy, because it’s coming with me to New York for sure.

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write an honest and fair review of the product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: Valm 8-inch realistic dual-density dildo

Kate Sloan

This might be the perfect realistic dildo.

So perfect, in fact, that I was FURIOUS when someone in my building STOLE THE PACKAGE containing my custom-made dong, before I was able to retrieve it from outside my door.

And so perfect, indeed, that when Valm sweetly offered to just mail me another one, I was so delighted that all my anger at the anonymous dildo thief dissipated in the wind. I hope they’re enjoying my dildo, wherever they are. I know I am.

That gradient tho

Customization options

In terms of shape and size, Valm’s dildo options are simple and straightforward: there’s a 6-inch version, an 8-inch one (which is the one I chose to review, because my vagina is Goldilocks, apparently), a 10-inch and a 12-inch. Size queens/kings/monarchs, take note!

Each size option is available in 3 different silicone formulations: single-density, dual-density, and triple-density. Multi-density silicone is often used to make dildos feel more realistic – it means that the toy has a firm silicone core, with one or two layers of softer silicone on top. This creates a more lifelike penis-esque feeling, and also allows a dildo to be firm enough to stroke internal erogenous zones while also being squishy enough to be super comfortable.

The more silicone densities a dildo has, the more realistic it tends to feel – but more densities also means a higher price, so keep that in mind when making a decision. For instance, the dildo I’m reviewing is dual-density and costs $161, while the single-density and triple-density versions of the same size cost $117 and $191, respectively.

Most glorious of all is the color options. You can get Valm toys in a couple of different skin tones or various bright colors. They’re also able to do custom gradients. I thought long and hard (dick joke barely intended) about what I wanted, and eventually settled on a gradient: the dildo is neon orange fading into hot pink toward the base of the shaft. Words and photos cannot do justice to how eye-gougingly bright it is IRL. It is technicolor. It is camp. It is 1960s (like this Gala Darling outfit). I love it so much.

Things I like about this dildo

  • The colors. Have I mentioned the colors?! This thing is soooo bright!
  • The dual-density silicone does indeed feel really real. The head is especially squishy, which allows it to nudge up into my A-spot easily without bothering my cervix (unless I’m especially zealous). It’s firmer through the shaft, which is ideal, IMO, but still soft enough to give me that satisfying stress-ball-squish feeling when I come around it.
  • The size is great for me. While the dildo is 8” in total, its insertable length is 7.25”, so it can reach my A-spot with ease. The diameter is 1.65”, which manages to feel both pleasantly filling and ultra-comfortable for me (when I’m turned on enough, of course).
  • The coronal ridge, while not as pronounced as those I’ve seen on some other dildos, juts out enough that it feels amazing each time it strokes over my A-spot. Once I get this dildo nestled as deep as I want it, I barely have to move it in and out at all to get some pretty intense A-spot stimulation.
  • With its balls and suction cup base, this dildo is anal-safe, strap-on compatible, and can be stuck to hard flat surfaces for hands-free use (like shower walls, kitchen floors, or glass coffee tables – hey, you do you). The chunky base works well as a handle when thrusting, even on days when my hands are sore.
  • The surface of the silicone is unusually glide-y (as opposed to draggy) when well-lubricated, so I can thrust it fast and hard without encountering much resistance – which some people might not like, if they enjoy a lot of friction against their vaginal or anal walls, but I like it because it means my hands and arms don’t get sore from thrusting this dildo.

Things I don’t like about this dildo

  • Its shaft is quite straight, so if you’re looking for a G-spot-focused dildo, look elsewhere. As mentioned, I love this toy for A-spot stim, but that’s not everyone’s jam, and that’s fine.
  • The hyper-realistic ridges and folds around the head of the dildo, which are meant to look like (and indeed do look like) the corresponding features on a human penis, are pronounced enough on this toy that they can be mildly annoying to clean. Get in there with an old toothbrush or a washcloth and you should be fine.
  • The price points of these dildos are somewhat high compared to other dual-density options I’ve seen, but they are made in the USA, which I’m sure is part of the reason for that and which may justify the cost for some buyers.

Final thoughts

To me, the Valm dual-density 8-inch is the Platonic ideal of a realistic dildo. Gorgeous colors. Pleasurable shape. Not too big, not too small, but just right (for me, anyway!). Firm where it needs to be, and squishy where it needs to be. Versatile, chameleonic, a cock-of-all-trades.

Wherever my first one ended up, I hope its thief sees its simple brilliance and beauty as clearly as I do.

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of this product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: Twisted Beast Marchosias dildo

Kate Sloan

I’ve reviewed a lot of dildos that are meant to look like human cocks, and a lot of dildos that aren’t meant to look like cocks at all – but it’s far less common that I review a dildo which is supposed to look like a cock, just not a human one.

The Twisted Beast Marchosias, which I’m reviewing today, is one such dildo. It’s meant to be canine-esque, with a pointed tip and contoured, “knotted” shape.

As I’ve mentioned here before, bestiality fantasies (even those involving humanoid/anthropomorphized animals) just don’t do it for me, so I usually find these dildos interesting moreso from a psychological and sociological standpoint than from an erotic one. I think they speak to (among other things) the way humans sometimes cloak our sexual desires in order to sidestep sexual shame. You might not feel fully able to have rambunctious, uninhibited sex in all the ways you want to, but a wild animal in heat certainly can – so whether you picture yourself being fucked by an unbridled creature, or being that creature, its archetypally primal nature can alleviate some shame and self-judgment.

As I pondered this while getting myself turned on for an initial testing session with the Marchosias, I realized I didn’t have to disqualify myself from having this type of fantasy just because I’m not into dog dick. Instead, I pictured what it would be like if a human was fucking me, when, unexpectedly to both of us, their cock started to swell at the base, “knotting” inside me and keeping our bodies locked together until the deed was done. I imagine we’d both feel surprised and confused about these events, but at the same time, it’d be a massive turn-on – not only psychologically but physically, since the knot would make the dick feel bigger inside me and would create some compression around the base of the penis, trapping blood inside like a natural cock ring, which would make it all the more sensitive and swollen.

…Okay, I’ll stop with the word-porn now; this is a sex toy review, not werewolf erotica. (Nothin’ wrong with werewolf erotica, it’s just not my bread and butter, honey!) I did want to highlight for you, though, that you don’t have to be a furry, or anything of the sort, to enjoy animalistic dildos like the Marchosias (although I’m sure plenty of furries do enjoy it!). You can always get creative with your fantasies, and a toy like this can make them seem all the more real.

Pictured with a Magic Wand Rechargeable for scale

Customization options, hooray!

The Marchosias is available in four different sizes:

  • Small ($89.95): 7″ insertable length, 2.13″ widest diameter
  • Medium ($169.95): 9″ insertable length, 2.55″ widest diameter
  • Large ($260.95): 11″ insertable length, 3.34″ widest diameter
  • XL ($368.95): 14″ insertable length, 4.14″ widest diameter

I chose the small, because – as is often the case for fantasy dildos like those made by Twisted Beast – it’s not really very small at all! Its dimensions are similar to realistic dildos of porn-star dimensions, except of course that it’s shaped quite differently.

I went with the ombré colorway, because it’s far more unique-looking than the other option, a solid red. The black-to-red fade looks super sleek and cool; I love the way the colors subtly swirl together along the shaft.

Twisted Beast doesn’t offer customization of dildo hardness vs. softness. This one is their standard silicone, which is on the soft-and-squishy side of the spectrum. The company describes it as being comparable to Bad Dragon’s “soft” shore.

Things I like about the Marchosias dildo

  • This is definitely the most comfortable dog-dick dildo I’ve ever tested. (Lord, what a sentence. What would my journalism school professors think of me now?!) Usually the girthy knot will push my vagina’s limits, but this dildo’s knot is much closer in diameter to the rest of the dildo, and is softly rounded off, rather than bulging out at extreme angles. This, combined with the softness of the silicone, makes this toy relatively comfy even when I’m pounding myself with it pretty hard, as long as it’s well-lubed. I don’t feel sore afterward at all, either (which admittedly could be a drawback for people who like that post-penetration ache!).
  • The softness of the silicone also lends a deliciously satisfying quality to my orgasms, like my vag is squeezing a stress ball with each contraction. As I’ve noted before, I think I come harder with toys made of firmer materials, because of the unrelenting pressure they apply to internal erogenous zones – but orgasms with something squishier inside me can be more pleasant, paradoxically, since they don’t knock the wind out of me quite so much.
  • On an aesthetic level, I don’t care whether a dildo has balls or not – but practically speaking, I like that they function as a ‘handle’ for this toy, so I can thrust it by hand without issue even when my pain is flaring up. The balls also make this toy anal-safe and strap-on compatible, so if you’ve ever wanted to fuck your lover up the butt with a dog dick, go nuts.
  • On that note, I never lose track of how the dildo is oriented inside me (as with many other toys) because of the balls and the pentagram (!!) engraved at the base of the toy, which act as visual markers.

Things I don’t like about the Marchosias dildo

  • The pointed tip can be a little uncomfortable when I shove the dildo fully inside me (which long-time readers already know I love to do, haha). It pokes my cervix sometimes, and lacks the firmness and protrusion it would need to consistently be able to slide up into my A-spot, a.k.a. anterior fornix.
  • Like many silicone toys, this one attracts hair/lint/dust like mad (as you can see in these photos!!), so I usually need to wash it off before each use, even if it’s just been stashed in a drawer or on my nightstand in the interim. Mildly annoying but not a huge deal.
Linty balls, anyone?

Final thoughts

“Different strokes for different folks” should be a guiding principle of the sex toy industry – or “different goals for different holes,” if you prefer – and this is illustrated brilliantly by fantasy dildos, such as those made by Twisted Beast. Not only do they offer a variety of physical sensations that a human cock could never (or seldom) replicate; they also invite you to broaden your sexual imagination. Why not fantasize about a sexy werewolf, a charming centaur, or a clueless human who just got dropped into the omegaverse?! Life is short, baby! Expand your mind!

I always try to dip my toes into these fantasies when I’m reviewing a dildo like this, but it’s rare that I’m actually able to enjoy them as much as I did with this one. I think it’s because the Marchosias is so damn comfortable, due to its squishy silicone and its softly contoured design – it allows me to flip back and forth easily between wild fantasies and tamer ones, since the toy feels plausibly like a canine dick or a bulbous human one, like some kind of cocktical illusion.

If this blog were a shitty mainstream magazine, maybe I’d end this review by saying something like, “They say a dog is man’s best friend, and I think this dildo is a woman’s!!” The truth is, though, we’ve all got orifices – and we’ve all got the capacity to fantasize about stuff that’s off the beaten path. If a doggy dildo like the Marchosias has piqued your interest, I’d say you should give it a shot, and don’t let the stigma give you paws. Uh, I mean, pause. 😉

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of the product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Why Does Ovulation Make Me Crave Realistic Dildos So Bad?!

Kate Sloan
Pictured: realistic dildos made by Solina, Vixen Creations, and the Pleasure Tailor

One Sunday afternoon, I grabbed the bin of dirty sex toys from under my bed and brought it to the sink for cleaning. As I stared down into its contents, I was confronted with the realization: Every single toy in the bin was a realistic dildo. Apparently, I had craved cock – and only cock – for the past week or more.

I chuckled about this as I began soaping up the dildos, giving them sudsy handjobs under running water. I wondered what could possibly explain this sudden phallic fascination. On a hunch, I whipped out my phone to check my cycle tracking app – and lo and behold, I was (very likely) ovulating. Suddenly, it all made perfect sense.

Now, don’t get it twisted – I am a huge fan of dicks, and of their silicone facsimiles, on most days of the month, not just when I’m ovulating. But despite how much I like getting dicked down, I don’t fantasize about it all that often. Like the majority of people with vulvas, most of my pleasure – and all of my orgasms – come from clit stimulation, so when I’m fantasizing about having stuff done to me, usually it’s some kind of clit stuff.

But around ovulation time, I’ve noticed that my thoughts seem to wander to dicks more often. I used to notice this most acutely when I worked in sex toy retail and would catch myself staring longingly at the dildo display, filthy images flitting through my mind – but only at that particular time in my cycle. And now, I see it in my dirty-toy bin, which tells me truths about my current headspace like prophetic tea leaves in a cup.

Of course, from an evo-psych perspective, it makes complete sense that I would crave peen-in-vag sex at the time when that type of sex could most readily knock me up. I don’t even know whether I’m physically capable of getting pregnant (I’ve never knowingly been pregnant, never had a pregnancy scare, and have a history of ovarian cysts and irregular periods), but nonetheless, my body and brain seem to be pushing me toward that outcome when I ovulate.

This is a good illustration of something I strongly believe about sex toys: that they can help us make better sexual decisions for ourselves – decisions that are more in line with our values, preferences, and goals, both in and out of the bedroom. Back in the day, for instance, I used to sate my cyclical cock cravings by finding people to hook up with on dating apps – and while there’s nothing inherently wrong with that, the urgency of my desire would sometimes lead me to ignore red flags and rush into an evening of stilted conversation and bad sex.

These days, the only dicks that interest me are the ones attached to people I actually like, and the disembodied ones in my nightstand drawers. I would much rather keep myself satisfied with sex toys as needed, and only go out with people who genuinely excite me and treat me well, than roll the dice on impulsive hookups that are almost never as good as the fantasies in my head.

I’m sure some people would argue, “It’s not the same! Using a dildo could never feel as good as real human connection!” and to those people, I would say: Have you even felt dual-density silicone, babe?! It feels pretty fuckin’ good, my dude!!

But also: I do experience real human connection when masturbating. It’s a connection with myself, my body, and my fantasies. And anyone who doesn’t see the intrinsic value in that is just not someone I’d allow into my life – let alone into my holes.

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.