Is there any type of sex toy as hotly debated as the realistic dildo?
Okay, yes, almost certainly there is. Moral panics arise perennially about people becoming “dependent” on vibrators, there has been much kerfuffle over whether sex dolls are inherently sexist, and “fisting dildos” often inspire medically-uninformed concerns about people’s holes getting stretched out. (That hypothesis is a myth, folks!)
But if we’re talking about the type of sex toy that is most commonly debated, argued over, and fretted about, obviously the answer has got to be the realistic dildo. Many cis men worry that they won’t be able to “compete” with a partner’s dildo if it’s cocklike, especially if it’s larger than their actual dick. Many lesbians have had their sexual identity questioned or dismissed if they use/like realistic dildos, despite the facts that 1) toys are not necessarily reflective of their users’ real-life desires and attractions, and 2) some women have penises so desiring dicks isn’t inherently un-sapphic at all. Straight men who use realistic dildos may be misidentified as gay or bi, because (again) many people falsely equate choice of toy with sexual orientation. Using a realistic dildo can be a clusterfuck in more ways than one!
Given all this fervent discourse/di(ck)scourse, one might assume that realistic dildos are the only dildos available, but that isn’t the case: many sex toy companies make non-representational dildos, designed to hit those tucked-away erogenous zones or fulfill wild fantasies. Basically, whatever image pops to mind for you when you see the word “dildo,” just be aware that there’s way more out there!
If you’re in the market for a new dildo but having trouble deciding which route to go, fear not – today I’m breaking down the key factors that might lead you to go realistic or non-realistic. Let’s begin this penetrating analysis…
Who should get a realistic dildo?
- Someone who fetishizes dicks or just thinks they’re hot. (Hellooo, it me.)
- Someone who wants their new strap-on dildo to look like a real dick, whether that’s for gender affirmation reasons or any other reason. I have many trans and nonbinary friends who initially explored their burgeoning Gender Feelings this way, whether or not they were fully aware that’s what they were doing at the time.
- Someone who wants a dildo that has the comfortable squishiness/flexibility of a flesh-and-blood dick. Granted, not all realistic dildos have this (and some non-realistic ones do, too), but generally, realistic ones are gonna be toward the squishier end of the spectrum and therefore might be comfier for some folks.
- Someone who finds that the shape of a penis works well for their anatomy. The coronal ridge on a cock can feel great on the G-spot or prostate, for example. Non-realistic toys can be stimulating in all sorts of ways, but if you know you really crave that “mushroom head” shape inside you, a realistic dildo is probably the way to go.
- Someone who makes porn, does cam shows, etc. While some viewers may want to see you using non-realistic toys, in my experience the vast majority of porn/cam show consumers are cis straight men who want your toys to function as a proxy for their dick. Realistic dildos work well for this, whether you’re kneeling below the camera to shoot a POV blowjob scene, sprawled out on your bed fucking yourself with the toy, or affixing it via suction cup to a wall so you can bounce on it.
- Someone who is in a long-distance relationship with a penis-possessing person and wants to be able to take sexy photos/videos with a silicone facsimile of their partner’s cock. (Or, alternatively, someone whose partner is transmasculine and might appreciate some gender-affirming custom porn.) If you like to have Zoom/FaceTime/Skype sex, it can also be nice to use toys that actually resemble parts of your partner’s body, so you feel like you’re physically together. If you can’t find a dildo that approximates your sweetie’s dimensions, ask them to make a Clone-a-Willy for you. It’s basically like copying-and-pasting a penis.
Who should get a non-realistic dildo?
- Someone who is squicked out by penises or just doesn’t find them attractive. There’s no shame in admitting this – your sex toys are meant to turn you on, and to make you feel good, not to gross you out! (Unless you’re into being grossed out, that is…)
- Someone who is threatened by (or has a partner who is threatened by) the thought of incorporating a penis-like toy into their play, and isn’t interested in interrogating or unlearning that reaction. As a reminder: sex toys are tools, not your competition… but I also understand that a lot of us have so much strife to discuss with our therapists these days (should we be lucky enough to have one) that dildo anxiety may not be at the top of your list at the moment!
- Someone who likes to have specific internal erogenous zones stimulated intensely and specifically. Some non-realistic dildos may have, for example, a severe G-spot/P-spot curve, or a tapered tip that slips nicely into the A-spot. When sex educators say, “Some dildos can do things that dicks simply cannot do,” this is generally what we mean.
- Someone who likes firm penetration. You can find firm realistic toys, but the body-safe ones tend to be made of silicone, and silicone (like human cocks) can only get so hard. Glass, metal, wood, and ceramic, on the other hand, can fuck you just as firmly as you please.
- Someone who fantasizes about mythical creatures or sci-fi characters and wants a toy that mirrors what’s inside their head. Do you dream of getting dicked down by a dragon, rendezvousing with a robot, or being manhandled by a manticore? Chances are, there’s a dildo for that!
- Someone who’s interested in temperature play. Materials like metal, glass, and ceramic hold their temperature better and longer than silicone, so generally you’re gonna find better toys for this purpose in the non-realistic category. Pop your toy into a bowl of cool (not ice-cold) or warm (not piping hot) water for a few minutes before playing, and you’ll experience the pleasures of temp play.
- Someone who has an appreciation for art and aesthetics. That’s not to say penises can’t be gorgeous (my spouse’s is basically a Rembrandt), but they don’t tend to have the visual pizzazz of an elegant metal dildo or a colorful glass one. Plus you can’t exactly display a veiny dick on your nightstand and call it decor, unless you’re, like, Betty Dodson or Andy Warhol.
- Someone who plans to post photos of their dildo on social media. (Look, I don’t know your life.) A lot of social media platforms will remove images that their algorithms flag as containing nudity, even if what’s being depicted is actually a silicone cock and not a flesh-and-blood one. You can even get banned for posting naughty pics like this, although non-realistic dildos tend to slip past the censors’ sensors uncensured.
Who could be happy with either?
- Someone who just doesn’t have strong preferences either way, even after reading all of the above info.
- Someone who wants to practice being penetrated, whether that’s because they plan to have sex for the first time soon and want to be prepared, or they haven’t had sex in a while and want to make sure it’ll be comfy when it happens, or they’re exploring a hole they haven’t had penetrated much or ever. You can get both realistic and non-realistic dildos in a broad range of sizes; it’s up to you whether you’d rather practice on something realistically cock-like or something smoother and simpler.
- Someone who wants to wield a strap-on but has no strong feelings about what their penile prosthesis should look like. If that’s your situation, it might be best to defer to your partner(s) and get whatever they’d most like to be penetrated by. At the very least, you should take their size preferences into account, and ideally pick something that targets their fave internal erogenous zone.
- Someone who intends to build a wide-ranging sex toy collection over time. You gotta start somewhere!
Do you have a preference for one type of dildo over the other? Why do you think that is?
Thanks to the folks at Honeysx for sponsoring this post! Check out their informational article, “Dildos 101: Everything You Know About Dildos,” for more details. As always, all writing and opinions here are my own.