Review: Lovense Fizz clitoral stimulator

Kate Sloan

What is the Lovense Fizz?

While I love me a good dildo or G-spot vibrator, I’m a clit girl at heart. Like most people with my anatomy, I only get off when there’s clitoral stimulation involved. So I’m always intrigued to test innovative new clit toys, particularly ones engineered by companies I adore.

Naturally, then, I was delighted when Lovense asked me to try their new clit stimulator, the Fizz. It’s a dual-headed toy: one side offers a “tapping” sensation, akin to an actual fingertip tapping quickly on your clit, while the other side offers a more standard “suction”/pressure-wave sensation, meant to mimic oral sex.

As with Lovense’s other toys, the Fizz can be controlled remotely via the Lovense app for iOS/Android, including by long-distance partners.

“Tapping” side

Things I like about the Lovense Fizz:

  • Tapping & sucking: Both of this toy’s functions feel great (especially with a generous helping of water-based lube) and stimulate the clit differently from your standard clitoral vibrator.
    • The tapping side feels almost like a partner’s very speedy fingers, and oscillates visibly back and forth, creating a deep, firm rumble I can feel throughout my clit. It reminds me of my beloved Hot Octopuss Pulse Queen, only smaller/more pinpointed. I like that I can move it around as needed, stimulating the top, sides, or tip of my clit. I can get off with this side consistently and easily.
    • The suction side is a bit intense for me at times, but that’s true of pretty much all of these pressure-wave/air-pulse toys (Womanizers, Satisfyers, etc.) – they stimulate the tip of my clit in a way that can be overwhelming and sometimes makes me come faster than I mean to, resulting in a subpar orgasm. That being said, this toy’s air-pulse stimulation is the kind I like best, on the rare occasions when I crave it: rumbly/low-pitched, steady, and dispensed through a large, soft “mouth” (of which more later). I can consistently get off with this side; it just takes me a long time because of how overstimulating pressure-waves can feel to me.
  • Strong: Both sides of the Fizz have a wide range of intensities and get impressively strong when you turn ’em up. I never had any doubt that I’d be able to reach orgasm with this toy, and mostly stayed within the lower half of the toy’s range to do so. (For reference, I usually get off on the first or second speed of the Magic Wand Rechargeable.)
  • Good variety of speeds/modes: The Fizz has 8 vibration speeds + 4 vibration patterns, and that’s before you factor in the Lovense app, which gives you even more control (more on that later). I’m thrilled that Lovense decided to give this toy so many vibration speeds, as I’ve sometimes found the jumps between speeds to be too jarring in previous toys of theirs that only had 3-5 pre-programmed speeds.
  • Larger nozzle: I tend to prefer pressure-wave toys with a larger “mouth” than average, because my clit is pretty sensitive and prefers indirect stimulation. The bigger a toy’s nozzle is, the more of my clitoral shaft it can encompass, creating a fuller-bodied sensation by stimulating more than just the hyper-sensitive tip of my clit. The diameter of the Fizz’s mouth is about half an inch, and while it can’t engulf my entire clitoral shaft + hood the way the wide-mouthed Lelo Sila can, it covers enough of my clit to give me deep, satisfying orgasms. I don’t think the Fizz’s mouth is quite big enough to fit especially large clits, though, including those of transmasculine people with bottom growth – I’d still tend to recommend the Sila for those folks.
  • App-controllability: Lovense is known for their excellent smartphone app and how it pairs seamlessly with their toys, allowing you to control your own toy – or a far-away partner’s – using your phone. You can create your own patterns, sync the toy up to music/sound, or just freely control it via sensual touchscreen swiping. I’m particularly excited to try out this toy’s long-distance capabilities the next time I’m away from my partners, because they both go down on me a lot when we’re physically together but there aren’t many long-distance toy options for replicating cunnilingus. This toy’s suction functionality feels just close enough to a human mouth (particularly when its silky-soft silicone “lips” are warm and well-lubed) that I think we’d have a wonderful time using this during phone sex.
  • Great buttons: Buttons are an oft-underrated aspect of sex toy design, but they can make a huge difference in a toy’s usability, as anyone who’s ever used a vibrator under the covers in the dark can tell you! The Fizz has a “plus” button and a “minus” button, the former of which doubles as its power button (you hold down “+” for 3 seconds to turn the toy on or off). The two buttons are of a different enough size and shape that I can easily tell them apart without looking at them, even in the heat of the moment.
    • Afterglow: A small detail about this toy that makes a big difference: when you hold down the “minus” button to quickly lower the intensity (such as when you’re super sensitive immediately after an orgasm), it will go all the way down to the lowest setting, but it will not turn off – you would need to hold down the “plus” button to do that, since it doubles as the power button. In practice, this means that I’ll come, get sensitive, dial back the intensity, and be able to ride out the aftershocks for as long as they go on, rather than shutting the vibrator off completely in my hurry to turn it down. Ultimately this makes my orgasms with the Fizz longer-lasting and more satisfying than they would otherwise be.
  • Lightweight & ergonomic: The Fizz weighs just 125 grams, about a quarter of a pound, so holding it never causes me discomfort, even on a bad hand pain day. Its lightness also makes it much easier for me to flip back and forth between the two sides of the toy, which I’ll often do many times throughout a session, alternating between tapping and sucking.
  • Waterproof: I’m so glad that the Fizz is IPX7 waterproof, because I love using it in the bath. There’s something so relaxing about having my clit gently tapped and sucked while I lounge in warm water…

Things I don’t like about the Lovense Fizz:

  • Loud: The Fizz’s main flaw is that it’s quite noisy – and oddly, it’s even louder in-use than when you’re just holding it in your hand. The tapping function takes on a sonic quality that reminds me of an electric lawnmower (albeit not nearly as loud), while the sucking function sounds more like a purring jaguar in heat. I wouldn’t recommend this toy for anyone who needs to keep the noise level low when they jerk off for whatever reason.
  • Only one nozzle size: Some pressure-wave toys come with multiple nozzle sizes to fit different clit sizes, like genital AirPods. (I just Googled and no one has ever used that phrase before, lmao.) The Fizz only has the one size. It’s big enough to fit a decent range of clit sizes, but might not form a seal as well around particularly small clits, and (like I said above) likely wouldn’t work for large clits, including testosterone-enhanced ones. (I’d love to see Lovense make a super wide-mouthed pressure-wave toy like the Lelo Sila someday, and/or a remotely-controllable clit pump, if such a thing could be engineered to be safe!)
Lovense Fizz (hot pink) vs. Lovense Tenera (pale pink-to-blue gradient)

Lovense Fizz vs. Lovense Tenera 2

In trying the Fizz side-by-side against Lovense’s other pressure-wave toy, the Tenera 2, overall I prefer the Fizz. The Tenera’s mouth is wider but shallower, so it doesn’t encompass as much of my clit. Both toys have similarly rumbly pressure-waves that my clit really enjoys, but the Tenera weakens/slows down a bit under pressure, whereas the Fizz just keeps on truckin’. I also find the Tenera less ergonomic because its buttons are located toward the tip of the toy, rather than on the handle, so I have to reach farther whenever I want to change the setting.

Granted, the Tenera is much quieter than the Fizz, and I prefer its soft, friendly, ombré aesthetic over the Fizz’s more utilitarian design, which makes me think of ear thermometers. But with all the above benefits + the fact that the Fizz is cheaper (at $119 versus $129), I definitely prefer the Fizz.

Final thoughts

I’m glad that Lovense has added such an impressively versatile and effective clit stimulator to their lineup! I’ve really enjoyed testing the Fizz, even though I’m not always the biggest fan of pressure-wave sensations. It’s cool to have two different clitoral sensation options to choose from, and to be able to seamlessly switch between them at will.

While I wish it wasn’t quite so loud, that’s really the only major beef I have with the Fizz. Aside from that one thing, I love it, and am so excited to use it long-distance. This toy is yet another example of how Lovense puts tons of care and effort into designing their products, and I hope it makes a lot of clits happy!

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of the product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: Velora Crest wearable vibrating nipple clamps

Kate Sloan

What is the Velora Crest?

Velora’s Place sent me a product they call the Crest wearable vibrating nipple massagers. This pair of soft silicone toys can be affixed to your nipples and then controlled via the included remote. It’s a rechargeable toy, with a cute double-pronged charger so you can charge both clamps at once.

Interestingly, the company markets the Crest as a product you can wear out on the town, under a bra, for surreptitious public play. The wireless remote helps with that – it’s certainly a lot subtler than if you had to reach down your front every time you wanted to change the vibration setting!

Things I like about the Velora Crest vibrating nipple clamps:

  • Pleasantly painful: While marketed as nipple “massagers” rather than nipple clamps, I find that the Crest’s little pincers cling onto my nipples in a wonderfully painful way. It’s a relatively low-level pain, not overwhelming by any means, but I’m always aware of it while these are on, which is fun for a masochist like me. As with other nipple clamps, these are easiest to put on when my nipples are hard, and are often most painful in the moments right after removal, as the blood flows back in. (Obligatory safety tip, though: you generally shouldn’t leave nipple clamps on for longer than about 30 minutes at a time, to prevent complications from cutting off circulation to your nips.)
  • Discreet enough for public play: True to its marketing copy, the Crest can indeed be concealed effectively when worn under a bra + shirt, so you can do surreptitious nipple play at a bar, restaurant, or wherever the night takes you. (Wouldn’t recommend wearing these out while braless, both because they could fall off more easily and because they’d be much more visible that way.) The Crest is even relatively quiet, although weirdly the sound gets higher-pitched and a decibel or two louder (I measured!) when I’m wearing clothes versus when I’m naked.
  • Decent variety of vibration modes: The Crest has 4 steady speeds followed by 6 vibration patterns. Normally I’m not a fan of vibration patterns, but I think they work well for nipple play; dunno about you, but my nipples prefer the sensation of motion (e.g. being licked/sucked) over vibration, and patterns can feel more dynamically motion-esque than steady vibration.
  • Remote control pre-paired & stable: I had zero issues with connectivity while testing the Crest. Its remote was already paired to the toy by default, and the toy responded quickly to each button-press, even when I wore it under clothes.
  • Relatively secure: This’ll vary based on your particular nipples, but I found that the Crest stayed affixed to mine without any trouble, even when I swung my tits around experimentally. (Sex toy reviewing is a tough gig but somebody’s gotta do it!) Naturally, they stay in place even more securely when you wear them under a bra.
  • Cool aesthetic: I’ve never seen nipple clamps that look anything like this before! The design is inspired by angel wings, but it reminds me moreso of Sailor Moon’s wand. Love that these clamps are red, too, since it’s one of my favorite colors.
  • Fully waterproof: Yay! Try ’em in the shower, the bath, or a rainy-day alleyway makeout – hey, why not?
  • Price: $33 is a decent price for nipple clamps of any kind, let alone vibrating nipple clamps that can be controlled remotely! (For reference, Lovense’s Gemini vibrating nipple clamps cost $79.)

Things I don’t like about the Velora Crest vibrating nipple clamps:

  • Extremely buzzy: The Crest’s vibrations are very buzzy, i.e. high-pitched and surface-level. Ultimately this doesn’t bother me as much for nipple stimulation as it does for clit stimulation, largely because I’m not trying to have orgasms via nipple play so it doesn’t bug me if my nipples get a little desensitized from the buzziness – but it’s still not my preference, to say the least.
  • Not very strong: In addition to being surface-level, these vibrations also just aren’t very powerful, even at their top speed. However, that may not be an issue if you’re just looking to use the Crest as a fun tease while you’re out in public.
  • Not adjustable: Nipple size can vary a lot from person to person, so while the Crest fits my nipples fine, I can’t guarantee it’ll fit yours. It is made of pretty bendy silicone, though, so it should fit most nipples, I think. The lack of adjustability also means you can’t easily lessen or increase the pinchiness/pain level if you want to, the way you can with (for example) my beloved Weal & Breech nipple clamps.
  • Short battery life: You get about 50 minutes of use from a 40-minute charge, which is fine but not great.
  • Easy to lose pieces: The Crest doesn’t come with a storage bag, so it would be all too easy to misplace one of the clamps (since they’re not attached to each other) or the remote.

(Not safe for work warning: there is a photo of tits below!)

The Crest under a bra, under a bra + shirt, and sans clothes

Final thoughts

When I think of the Crest as a pair of nipple clamps that can be worn sneakily under clothing in public, I love ’em! They are elegantly designed, thrillingly painful (but not too painful), and are contoured in such a way that they lie relatively flat under a bra, so no strangers would suspect me of secret sexy shenanigans.

When I think of these toys as nipple vibrators, though, they fall short of my expectations: I wish the vibrations had a wider range of intensities and were much less high-pitched in timbre. It always sucks when the vibration is the worst part of a vibrator!

That being said, for $33, you could do a whole lot worse than the Crest clamps. Consider them for your sadomasochistic needs, especially if you think you’d prefer their silky-soft silicone over the hard plastics and metals that most other nipple clamps are made of. After all, when you’re craving nipple pain, why not have it administered by a pair of bright red angel wings?!

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of the product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

When Should You Have Sex With a New Person You’re Dating?

Kate Sloan
Photo by my lovely wife mb. Just imagine this is me trying to decide whether to take you home after a date or send you on your way…

Have you ever heard of the “three-date rule,” i.e. the idea that you should wait until the third date to have sex with a new person? I think I first encountered it in some hackneyed sitcom or rom-com, and I remember feeling confused by the very notion. How could you standardize that decision, I wondered, to the point of being able to put it on a calendar? Wasn’t it person-dependent and situation-dependent? Shouldn’t sex progress at the pace of both people’s comfort, whether that’s fast or slow or anywhere in between?

Admittedly, I wasn’t sexually active yet, so I was pondering these questions in a theoretical way, without any real-world experience to inform my thinking. But when I did start having sex, that was indeed how I approached it: no set timeline for when it should or shouldn’t happen, aside from “when we both want it to.” I’ve had sex on first dates when the vibes were right, and I’ve also waited months to have sex with someone, either due to logistical factors like distance, or because it took that long to build the amount of comfort and rapport that one or both of us needed. The timing of first times is as variable as sex itself, and I think most people would benefit from flexibility in this regard, rather than clinging to rigid rules.

That being said, I think there are some interesting arguments on all sides of this debate, so today I thought I’d explore some of the pros and cons of waiting a while to have sex with a new person. Let’s dive in (or tiptoe in slowly, if you prefer)!

 

Pro: More time to develop a sense of comfort & safety

For some of us, sexual arousal and excitement can’t really exist until comfort and safety have been established. Hell, I don’t even feel able to be authentically me until those things are established. Early dates can easily put me into a performative, “customer service”-y frame of mind, because I haven’t yet determined whether this is a person I can safely relax and be myself around. When I’m in that headspace, I have so little awareness of my own desires and bodily sensations that I can’t even effectively determine if I’m attracted to someone or not, let alone whether I want to have sex with them. But once I’ve spent some time waiting for intimacy to develop, my anxiety starts to lift, and I feel more able to discern what I want, and to ask for it without (much) fear of it going awry.

 

Con: Sex is great & you shouldn’t have to deny yourself sexually

A lot of the arguments against having sex “too early” are extremely gender-essentialist, heteronormative, and (dare I say it) heteropessimistic. Dating guides for women often say something like, “Making a man wait for sex is a good way to test whether he actually likes you and is in it for the long haul.” I take issue with the core assertion underlying this advice, which is that men care about sex and women don’t, so women can gain power over men by denying them sex.

You know what you actually get when you deny men sex? Zero sex! (Or at least, zero sex with those men…) That’s okay if you don’t care about sex, or if you’re sufficiently satisfied by your solo sex life that you don’t particularly crave partnered sex at the moment – but if you like sex, and want it, and hope that it’ll be a significant aspect of any relationship(s) you get into, then it makes no sense to withhold that from yourself. What could be less feminist, in fact, than denying yourself pleasure because of how men might perceive it?

 

Pro: More time for attraction to build

Some of us – myself definitely included – develop attractions slowly over time, rather than instantaneously on sight. This is one of the reasons one-night stands don’t work for me (and trust me, I’ve tried): while sex without attraction can sometimes be fun, it’s not hot for me, and it’s not what I want at this point in my life. So I need to know someone decently well before I’ll want to have sex with them. These days I’d always rather wait than risk rushing into sex that ends up making me feel uncomfortable or grossed out.

 

Con: You should assess sexual compatibility ASAP to avoid wasting time

Picture this: You let a fun flirtation simmer for weeks, or even months, until the yearning hits critical mass and you just have to fuck… but then you do, and it becomes immediately clear that they’re a submissive and you hate domming. Or they refuse to give oral sex and it’s the only way you can get off with a partner. Or they’re uncomfortable with you using your favorite vibrator during sex. Or the way their kisses taste is off-putting to you on a pheromonal/gut level. I could keep listing potential sexual mismatches forever, but you get the idea!

Early dating is largely about assessing compatibility, and for most of us, sex is a fairly important thing to be aligned on. So I completely understand why some people prefer to have sex sooner rather than later, so as not to risk the heartbreak and disappointment of becoming emotionally invested in a round peg that’ll never fit your square hole.

 

Pro: More time for STI testing & important pre-sex conversations

Depending on your safer sex boundaries and when each of you was last tested, either or both of you might want to get a panel done before you start having sex. That can take time – in my city, you can often get results back within a few days or less, but that’s assuming you’re able to get an appointment quickly (if needed) and have enough spare time in your schedule to go ASAP, which may not always be the case.

Aside from discussing STI status/testing, you may also want to discuss other matters of relevance before having sex for the first time, such as your kinks, fantasies, limits, and triggers. These conversations are important and I prefer to be able to take my time with them, instead of feeling rushed.

 

Con: Sex makes you feel more attached to each other

Contrary to the popular (and problematic) belief that a man will only develop romantic desire for a woman if she makes him wait for sex, the neurochemicals released during and after sex actually help a lot with bonding and intimacy. (And not just for straight people, either – for everyone!) So if you’re dating someone new and it’s going well, you might be able to take things to the next level emotionally by taking things to the next level physically.

 

Pro: …Sex makes you feel more attached to each other

Yep, it’s both a pro and a con! Sparkly sex neurochemicals can make you view your new paramour through cum-colored glasses. If you want to stay as level-headed as possible while riding the infamous New Relationship Energy wave, you may prefer to postpone sex until the initial romantic reverie has dissipated a bit. Otherwise you could end up smitten with someone who, it turns out, doesn’t treat you well or isn’t a good match.

 

Dear readers, what do you think of all this? Do you have any personal policies about when to have sex with a new person, or do you just play it by ear? Feel free to let me know in the comments!

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: Velora Dune banana-shaped vibrator

Kate Sloan

What is the Velora Dune?

Canadian sex toy retailer Velora’s Place asked me to review their Dune vibrator, which is shaped like the top half of a banana. It’s designed to stimulate the clitoris or other external erogenous zones. It’s rechargeable and made of silicone and ABS plastic.

Things I like about the Velora Dune:

  • Versatile & unusual shape: When it comes to external/clitoral vibrators like this one, I always appreciate a shape that feels different depending on how you angle it, as this gives more sensation options and makes the toy more versatile. The “business end” of this toy, shaped to resemble a banana stem, works well for this; I can lay it alongside my clit for broader stimulation, for example, or hold just the tip against my clit for a more pinpointed feeling.
  • Whimsical aesthetic: A banana is a cute thing for a sex toy to be shaped like, and I know some users (especially those with minimal/no sex toy experience) find it less intimidating to use toys that have a playful appearance like this. It’s also unusual to see a bright yellow vibrator; I appreciate the big swing that was taken here aesthetically.
  • Convenient charging dock: I like the way the Dune charges – it comes with a little charging dock that you can power with a USB-C cable, which makes it convenient for travel if you, like me, always have a USB-C cable on hand for other electronics anyway. The dock doesn’t take up a ton of space on a nightstand and charges the Dune relatively quickly – you get up to 2 hours of use from a 90-minute charge.
  • Relatively quiet: While it is definitely audible, the Dune tops out around 45 decibels, which is louder than a refrigerator but quieter than moderate rainfall.
  • Price: The Dune is currently priced at $29, which I think is a fair price for it. That’s also unusually cheap for a rechargeable vibrator (as opposed to one that runs on disposable batteries).

Things I don’t like about the Velora Dune:

  • Extremely buzzy: Unfortunately, the Dune’s motor – the most important aspect of any vibrator – is wildly buzzy, i.e. its vibrations are high-pitched, surface-level, and prone to causing temporary numbness and discomfort. Many people, myself emphatically included, prefer vibrations that are rumbly – i.e. low-pitched and therefore more able to stimulate tissues deeply without causing numbness – and there’s really no rumble to be found here; it’s all buzz, all the time. I was unable to reach orgasm with the Dune in any of my testing sessions because it numbed me out too quickly for me to get there in time.
  • Only 3 steady speeds: The Dune’s one button cycles through 3 steady speeds followed by 7 patterns. According to informal polls I’ve run over the years, most vibrator users, myself included, tend to stick to steady speeds rather than patterns, so there should always be more than 3 speeds available; otherwise the jumps between them feel too severe. The Dune also starts at a vibration level that feels way too intense for me at most points in my arousal cycle, so I generally have to be extremely turned on already before I start using it, or else it’ll be too jarring and uncomfortable.
  • Vibration conducts into handle: My fingers start to feel weird within seconds of using the Dune, because so much of its ultra-buzzy vibration conducts into the part of the toy that you hold onto. This could make it painful or challenging for folks with sore/weak hands to use.
  • Seemingly not fully waterproof: The Dune is “water-resistant,” which, in sex toy parlance, usually means you can safely wash it off in the sink but shouldn’t submerge it in water or use it in a bath.

Final thoughts

I wanted to like the adorable-looking Dune vibrator, but alas, it’s far too buzzy for me to enjoy. I kept having to reach for bigger, rumblier vibes to finish the job, and even then, it often wasn’t as pleasurable as it normally would have been, because the buzzy vibrations had temporarily reduced my sensitivity, as they tend to do.

But I can’t deny that the Dune is a cute, affordable vibrator with a versatile shape and a cool charging mechanism. I’m sure some people would enjoy it, but I ain’t one of ’em. This little banana just didn’t quite ap-peel to me, I guess 😉

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of this product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

I Tried LubeLife’s New Dill Pickle-Flavored Lube!

Kate Sloan

Did you know that apparently Gen Z is obsessed with pickles? Reminds me of the era when my own generation, millennials, were disproportionately enamored with bacon, spawning countless bacon-centric memes and jokes. Cultural trends can be so strange!

To be honest, I understand the passion for pickles even more than I understood the bacon fixation. I love me a salty snack, and few things are saltier than pickles. For years, my go-to cocktail has been a dirty martini, and while it’s normally dirtied up with olive brine, I’ve come to appreciate pickle-brine martinis just as much, if not more. The dill flavor lends an herbal savoriness that makes my little Polish-Jewish heart sing! (My fave pickles are by Grillo’s, incase you were wondering…)

All this to say, when I recently received a press release from lubricant company LubeLife about their newest launch – a limited-edition PICKLE-FLAVORED LUBE – I shrieked at my laptop and hit ‘reply’ so fast I practically pulled a muscle. (…the pain of which incidentally could’ve been alleviated by eating pickles. What can’t they do?!)

A pickle-themed press mailer

About a week later, a package arrived for me. Inside was a pickle-shaped stress ball, a pickle-shaped pen, a pickle-shaped vibrator(!), some pickle stickers (which sounds like slang for tools you’d use in a CBT scene…), green socks that say “big pickle energy,” a green pickle-emblazoned baseball cap that says “not my first pickle,” and la pièce de résistance: the pickle-flavored lube itself.

I jammed the jaunty hat onto my head immediately, and brought the lube to my wife so we both could taste it.

What’s it taste like?

As soon as my wife and I both sampled the lube, we looked at each other wide-eyed, like, “Oh damn! That’s better than I expected!” I thought it was pretty good, but my wife (admittedly not usually a flavored lube enjoyer) announced that it was probably the best flavored lube she’d ever tried.

Let me be clear: You will not like this lube if you don’t like dill pickles. I mean, duh. But I’m telling you, you really won’t. This lube is only for connoisseurs of these particular savory flavors. It doesn’t just taste salty; it actually tastes like dill – both the sweeter and savorier aspects of that flavor profile – as well as some of the other ingredients often found in dill pickle brine, such as garlic. If I were a lube sommelier with terrifically tuned-in tastebuds, perhaps I could pick out some subtler flavors therein – mustard seed, coriander, black peppercorns? – but my palate is more plebeian than that, so mostly I just taste dill and garlic.

Ultimately, the garlic note made it hard for me to love this lube beyond that initial taste-test. The same way it does in culinary applications, that taste tends to linger longer than lots of others, including the dill-y sweetness that initially seems like the lube’s main flavor. I don’t love walking around with a mouth tasting like garlic, especially if I’m gonna be making out/having sex, but I know some people who adore garlic and would probably dig this!

The martini test

My wife and I are big cocktail fans, and (as I mentioned up top) one of my favorites is a dirty martini. I’ve made myself dozens of pickle-brine dirty martinis at home over the last few years, and really enjoy the way gin and vermouth balance out the saltiness of the brine – so I thought, why not try LubeLife’s pickle lube in a martini, instead of traditional brine?

My wife suggested I make a tiny, scaled-down drink, since she (wisely) didn’t want me to waste too much good liquor on what might turn out to be a disgusting experiment… so I mixed a quarter-size martini: half an ounce of London dry gin, a quarter-ounce of Dolin dry vermouth, and a couple little squirts of pickle lube. I stirred ’em with an ice cube for chill and dilution (or dill-ution, if you will…), and then strained the mixture into a teensy little cocktail glass and brought it to my wife for tasting.

“I’m not mad at it,” she said with a shrug when she tried it. We agreed that the lube’s otherwise sharp flavor profile is pleasantly rounded out in the context of a martini – the dill and garlic were definitely still perceptible, but were significantly toned down, a fun embellishment rather than the dominant flavor. Perhaps that’s how this lube tastes best: diluted, whether by booze or bodily fluids. Speaking of which…

The sex test + a word of warning

Quite reasonably, neither of my partners were willing to let me test out this lube on their actual junk, because flavored lubes are somewhat risky from a genital health perspective. This pickle lube contains sucralose, an artificial sweetener, as well as glycerin, both of which can irritate the vagina. As such, I’d recommend only using flavored lubes externally (i.e. on/around a clit, labia, dick, balls, or anal opening), and switching to a more standard lube formula if you want to do some penetration. (My favorite, as ever, is Sutil Rich.)

That being said, a savory lube like this one is probably a better pairing with genital tastes than many other flavored lubes would be. As my friend Billy Lore often says, “Strawberry lube on a dick isn’t just gonna taste like strawberries, it’s gonna taste like strawberries and dick” – and with that being the case, it makes sense to choose a lube that will pair harmoniously with the taste of dick and/or pussy, rather than clashing with it. I tried some of this lube alongside a dash of my own vaginal fluids, and found that the two worked well together, like prosecco and oysters – they were vaguely in the same flavor family and thus actually elevated one another. And isn’t that kind of the ideal scenario when it comes to a flavored lube?

 

What do you think, dear readers? Would you ever try a pickle-flavored lube? Do you think this is a terrible idea, or a great one?

 

This post was NOT sponsored, I really just wanted to ramble at you about pickle lube. LubeLife did send me the product for free, though.