When Should You Have Sex With a New Person You’re Dating?

Kate Sloan
Photo by my lovely wife mb. Just imagine this is me trying to decide whether to take you home after a date or send you on your way…

Have you ever heard of the “three-date rule,” i.e. the idea that you should wait until the third date to have sex with a new person? I think I first encountered it in some hackneyed sitcom or rom-com, and I remember feeling confused by the very notion. How could you standardize that decision, I wondered, to the point of being able to put it on a calendar? Wasn’t it person-dependent and situation-dependent? Shouldn’t sex progress at the pace of both people’s comfort, whether that’s fast or slow or anywhere in between?

Admittedly, I wasn’t sexually active yet, so I was pondering these questions in a theoretical way, without any real-world experience to inform my thinking. But when I did start having sex, that was indeed how I approached it: no set timeline for when it should or shouldn’t happen, aside from “when we both want it to.” I’ve had sex on first dates when the vibes were right, and I’ve also waited months to have sex with someone, either due to logistical factors like distance, or because it took that long to build the amount of comfort and rapport that one or both of us needed. The timing of first times is as variable as sex itself, and I think most people would benefit from flexibility in this regard, rather than clinging to rigid rules.

That being said, I think there are some interesting arguments on all sides of this debate, so today I thought I’d explore some of the pros and cons of waiting a while to have sex with a new person. Let’s dive in (or tiptoe in slowly, if you prefer)!

 

Pro: More time to develop a sense of comfort & safety

For some of us, sexual arousal and excitement can’t really exist until comfort and safety have been established. Hell, I don’t even feel able to be authentically me until those things are established. Early dates can easily put me into a performative, “customer service”-y frame of mind, because I haven’t yet determined whether this is a person I can safely relax and be myself around. When I’m in that headspace, I have so little awareness of my own desires and bodily sensations that I can’t even effectively determine if I’m attracted to someone or not, let alone whether I want to have sex with them. But once I’ve spent some time waiting for intimacy to develop, my anxiety starts to lift, and I feel more able to discern what I want, and to ask for it without (much) fear of it going awry.

 

Con: Sex is great & you shouldn’t have to deny yourself sexually

A lot of the arguments against having sex “too early” are extremely gender-essentialist, heteronormative, and (dare I say it) heteropessimistic. Dating guides for women often say something like, “Making a man wait for sex is a good way to test whether he actually likes you and is in it for the long haul.” I take issue with the core assertion underlying this advice, which is that men care about sex and women don’t, so women can gain power over men by denying them sex.

You know what you actually get when you deny men sex? Zero sex! (Or at least, zero sex with those men…) That’s okay if you don’t care about sex, or if you’re sufficiently satisfied by your solo sex life that you don’t particularly crave partnered sex at the moment – but if you like sex, and want it, and hope that it’ll be a significant aspect of any relationship(s) you get into, then it makes no sense to withhold that from yourself. What could be less feminist, in fact, than denying yourself pleasure because of how men might perceive it?

 

Pro: More time for attraction to build

Some of us – myself definitely included – develop attractions slowly over time, rather than instantaneously on sight. This is one of the reasons one-night stands don’t work for me (and trust me, I’ve tried): while sex without attraction can sometimes be fun, it’s not hot for me, and it’s not what I want at this point in my life. So I need to know someone decently well before I’ll want to have sex with them. These days I’d always rather wait than risk rushing into sex that ends up making me feel uncomfortable or grossed out.

 

Con: You should assess sexual compatibility ASAP to avoid wasting time

Picture this: You let a fun flirtation simmer for weeks, or even months, until the yearning hits critical mass and you just have to fuck… but then you do, and it becomes immediately clear that they’re a submissive and you hate domming. Or they refuse to give oral sex and it’s the only way you can get off with a partner. Or they’re uncomfortable with you using your favorite vibrator during sex. Or the way their kisses taste is off-putting to you on a pheromonal/gut level. I could keep listing potential sexual mismatches forever, but you get the idea!

Early dating is largely about assessing compatibility, and for most of us, sex is a fairly important thing to be aligned on. So I completely understand why some people prefer to have sex sooner rather than later, so as not to risk the heartbreak and disappointment of becoming emotionally invested in a round peg that’ll never fit your square hole.

 

Pro: More time for STI testing & important pre-sex conversations

Depending on your safer sex boundaries and when each of you was last tested, either or both of you might want to get a panel done before you start having sex. That can take time – in my city, you can often get results back within a few days or less, but that’s assuming you’re able to get an appointment quickly (if needed) and have enough spare time in your schedule to go ASAP, which may not always be the case.

Aside from discussing STI status/testing, you may also want to discuss other matters of relevance before having sex for the first time, such as your kinks, fantasies, limits, and triggers. These conversations are important and I prefer to be able to take my time with them, instead of feeling rushed.

 

Con: Sex makes you feel more attached to each other

Contrary to the popular (and problematic) belief that a man will only develop romantic desire for a woman if she makes him wait for sex, the neurochemicals released during and after sex actually help a lot with bonding and intimacy. (And not just for straight people, either – for everyone!) So if you’re dating someone new and it’s going well, you might be able to take things to the next level emotionally by taking things to the next level physically.

 

Pro: …Sex makes you feel more attached to each other

Yep, it’s both a pro and a con! Sparkly sex neurochemicals can make you view your new paramour through cum-colored glasses. If you want to stay as level-headed as possible while riding the infamous New Relationship Energy wave, you may prefer to postpone sex until the initial romantic reverie has dissipated a bit. Otherwise you could end up smitten with someone who, it turns out, doesn’t treat you well or isn’t a good match.

 

Dear readers, what do you think of all this? Do you have any personal policies about when to have sex with a new person, or do you just play it by ear? Feel free to let me know in the comments!

 

This post contains a paid link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: Velora Dune banana-shaped vibrator

Kate Sloan

What is the Velora Dune?

Canadian sex toy retailer Velora’s Place asked me to review their Dune vibrator, which is shaped like the top half of a banana. It’s designed to stimulate the clitoris or other external erogenous zones. It’s rechargeable and made of silicone and ABS plastic.

Things I like about the Velora Dune:

  • Versatile & unusual shape: When it comes to external/clitoral vibrators like this one, I always appreciate a shape that feels different depending on how you angle it, as this gives more sensation options and makes the toy more versatile. The “business end” of this toy, shaped to resemble a banana stem, works well for this; I can lay it alongside my clit for broader stimulation, for example, or hold just the tip against my clit for a more pinpointed feeling.
  • Whimsical aesthetic: A banana is a cute thing for a sex toy to be shaped like, and I know some users (especially those with minimal/no sex toy experience) find it less intimidating to use toys that have a playful appearance like this. It’s also unusual to see a bright yellow vibrator; I appreciate the big swing that was taken here aesthetically.
  • Convenient charging dock: I like the way the Dune charges – it comes with a little charging dock that you can power with a USB-C cable, which makes it convenient for travel if you, like me, always have a USB-C cable on hand for other electronics anyway. The dock doesn’t take up a ton of space on a nightstand and charges the Dune relatively quickly – you get up to 2 hours of use from a 90-minute charge.
  • Relatively quiet: While it is definitely audible, the Dune tops out around 45 decibels, which is louder than a refrigerator but quieter than moderate rainfall.
  • Price: The Dune is currently priced at $29, which I think is a fair price for it. That’s also unusually cheap for a rechargeable vibrator (as opposed to one that runs on disposable batteries).

Things I don’t like about the Velora Dune:

  • Extremely buzzy: Unfortunately, the Dune’s motor – the most important aspect of any vibrator – is wildly buzzy, i.e. its vibrations are high-pitched, surface-level, and prone to causing temporary numbness and discomfort. Many people, myself emphatically included, prefer vibrations that are rumbly – i.e. low-pitched and therefore more able to stimulate tissues deeply without causing numbness – and there’s really no rumble to be found here; it’s all buzz, all the time. I was unable to reach orgasm with the Dune in any of my testing sessions because it numbed me out too quickly for me to get there in time.
  • Only 3 steady speeds: The Dune’s one button cycles through 3 steady speeds followed by 7 patterns. According to informal polls I’ve run over the years, most vibrator users, myself included, tend to stick to steady speeds rather than patterns, so there should always be more than 3 speeds available; otherwise the jumps between them feel too severe. The Dune also starts at a vibration level that feels way too intense for me at most points in my arousal cycle, so I generally have to be extremely turned on already before I start using it, or else it’ll be too jarring and uncomfortable.
  • Vibration conducts into handle: My fingers start to feel weird within seconds of using the Dune, because so much of its ultra-buzzy vibration conducts into the part of the toy that you hold onto. This could make it painful or challenging for folks with sore/weak hands to use.
  • Seemingly not fully waterproof: The Dune is “water-resistant,” which, in sex toy parlance, usually means you can safely wash it off in the sink but shouldn’t submerge it in water or use it in a bath.

Final thoughts

I wanted to like the adorable-looking Dune vibrator, but alas, it’s far too buzzy for me to enjoy. I kept having to reach for bigger, rumblier vibes to finish the job, and even then, it often wasn’t as pleasurable as it normally would have been, because the buzzy vibrations had temporarily reduced my sensitivity, as they tend to do.

But I can’t deny that the Dune is a cute, affordable vibrator with a versatile shape and a cool charging mechanism. I’m sure some people would enjoy it, but I ain’t one of ’em. This little banana just didn’t quite ap-peel to me, I guess 😉

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of this product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

I Tried LubeLife’s New Dill Pickle-Flavored Lube!

Kate Sloan

Did you know that apparently Gen Z is obsessed with pickles? Reminds me of the era when my own generation, millennials, were disproportionately enamored with bacon, spawning countless bacon-centric memes and jokes. Cultural trends can be so strange!

To be honest, I understand the passion for pickles even more than I understood the bacon fixation. I love me a salty snack, and few things are saltier than pickles. For years, my go-to cocktail has been a dirty martini, and while it’s normally dirtied up with olive brine, I’ve come to appreciate pickle-brine martinis just as much, if not more. The dill flavor lends an herbal savoriness that makes my little Polish-Jewish heart sing! (My fave pickles are by Grillo’s, incase you were wondering…)

All this to say, when I recently received a press release from lubricant company LubeLife about their newest launch – a limited-edition PICKLE-FLAVORED LUBE – I shrieked at my laptop and hit ‘reply’ so fast I practically pulled a muscle. (…the pain of which incidentally could’ve been alleviated by eating pickles. What can’t they do?!)

A pickle-themed press mailer

About a week later, a package arrived for me. Inside was a pickle-shaped stress ball, a pickle-shaped pen, a pickle-shaped vibrator(!), some pickle stickers (which sounds like slang for tools you’d use in a CBT scene…), green socks that say “big pickle energy,” a green pickle-emblazoned baseball cap that says “not my first pickle,” and la pièce de résistance: the pickle-flavored lube itself.

I jammed the jaunty hat onto my head immediately, and brought the lube to my wife so we both could taste it.

What’s it taste like?

As soon as my wife and I both sampled the lube, we looked at each other wide-eyed, like, “Oh damn! That’s better than I expected!” I thought it was pretty good, but my wife (admittedly not usually a flavored lube enjoyer) announced that it was probably the best flavored lube she’d ever tried.

Let me be clear: You will not like this lube if you don’t like dill pickles. I mean, duh. But I’m telling you, you really won’t. This lube is only for connoisseurs of these particular savory flavors. It doesn’t just taste salty; it actually tastes like dill – both the sweeter and savorier aspects of that flavor profile – as well as some of the other ingredients often found in dill pickle brine, such as garlic. If I were a lube sommelier with terrifically tuned-in tastebuds, perhaps I could pick out some subtler flavors therein – mustard seed, coriander, black peppercorns? – but my palate is more plebeian than that, so mostly I just taste dill and garlic.

Ultimately, the garlic note made it hard for me to love this lube beyond that initial taste-test. The same way it does in culinary applications, that taste tends to linger longer than lots of others, including the dill-y sweetness that initially seems like the lube’s main flavor. I don’t love walking around with a mouth tasting like garlic, especially if I’m gonna be making out/having sex, but I know some people who adore garlic and would probably dig this!

The martini test

My wife and I are big cocktail fans, and (as I mentioned up top) one of my favorites is a dirty martini. I’ve made myself dozens of pickle-brine dirty martinis at home over the last few years, and really enjoy the way gin and vermouth balance out the saltiness of the brine – so I thought, why not try LubeLife’s pickle lube in a martini, instead of traditional brine?

My wife suggested I make a tiny, scaled-down drink, since she (wisely) didn’t want me to waste too much good liquor on what might turn out to be a disgusting experiment… so I mixed a quarter-size martini: half an ounce of London dry gin, a quarter-ounce of Dolin dry vermouth, and a couple little squirts of pickle lube. I stirred ’em with an ice cube for chill and dilution (or dill-ution, if you will…), and then strained the mixture into a teensy little cocktail glass and brought it to my wife for tasting.

“I’m not mad at it,” she said with a shrug when she tried it. We agreed that the lube’s otherwise sharp flavor profile is pleasantly rounded out in the context of a martini – the dill and garlic were definitely still perceptible, but were significantly toned down, a fun embellishment rather than the dominant flavor. Perhaps that’s how this lube tastes best: diluted, whether by booze or bodily fluids. Speaking of which…

The sex test + a word of warning

Quite reasonably, neither of my partners were willing to let me test out this lube on their actual junk, because flavored lubes are somewhat risky from a genital health perspective. This pickle lube contains sucralose, an artificial sweetener, as well as glycerin, both of which can irritate the vagina. As such, I’d recommend only using flavored lubes externally (i.e. on/around a clit, labia, dick, balls, or anal opening), and switching to a more standard lube formula if you want to do some penetration. (My favorite, as ever, is Sutil Rich.)

That being said, a savory lube like this one is probably a better pairing with genital tastes than many other flavored lubes would be. As my friend Billy Lore often says, “Strawberry lube on a dick isn’t just gonna taste like strawberries, it’s gonna taste like strawberries and dick” – and with that being the case, it makes sense to choose a lube that will pair harmoniously with the taste of dick and/or pussy, rather than clashing with it. I tried some of this lube alongside a dash of my own vaginal fluids, and found that the two worked well together, like prosecco and oysters – they were vaguely in the same flavor family and thus actually elevated one another. And isn’t that kind of the ideal scenario when it comes to a flavored lube?

 

What do you think, dear readers? Would you ever try a pickle-flavored lube? Do you think this is a terrible idea, or a great one?

 

This post was NOT sponsored, I really just wanted to ramble at you about pickle lube. LubeLife did send me the product for free, though.

Gorgeous Dildos at (Temporarily) Discounted Prices!

Kate Sloan
The Uberrime Night King (pink/red), Amante (blue), and Senos (green)

The other night, in the middle of sex, my boyfriend and I opened one of the storage drawers under my bed and started looking for a dildo he could fuck me with. He picked up the Uberrime Senos and said, “Is this the one I fucked you with last time?”

I shook my head and pointed at the Uberrime Amante, saying, “No, that was this one.”

Eventually we settled on the Uberrime Night King, a long-time favorite of mine – and I subsequently came all over it so hard that I burst into cathartic tears. Damn, that’s a good dildo! (Helps that a cute person with strong arms was wielding it, of course…!)

I’m telling you this story because it perfectly illustrates how much I adore the sex toy company Uberrime. This weekend only, they’re having a sale where everything is 15% off, including both custom and ready-made toys. Just use the code SUMMER15 and you’re good to go!

But of course, I’m not expecting you to fend for yourself, throwing dildos into your cart indiscriminately (although you could…) – here are my current top picks from the extensive Uberrime catalogue!

I mentioned the Night King already (it’s the one my boyfriend recently railed me with…) but it bears repeating: this is a bloody excellent dildo. I actually own two of them, one in blue and grey and one in a stunning “lovecore”-inspired red and pink colorway. It’s one of the best toys I’ve ever found for A-spot stimulation, due to its unusually generous length (8″ insertable), upward curve, and slightly tapered tip. But it doesn’t just pleasure my A-spot – the ripply texture along its shaft massages my vaginal walls, and its stark coronal ridge feels great on my G-spot when thrusted more shallowly.

There are many Uberrime toys which excel in a strap-on harness, but the Night King is the one I’ve been fucked with the most, by far. Its formidable length allows partners to hit my A-spot with it, regardless of what position we’re in or what kind of harness they have on, while leaving enough space between our bodies for me to use a clitoral vibe so I can get off. It’s pretty ideal; I’m kind of obsessed with it!

Image via Uberrime

Speaking of A-spot toys, I’m drooling just looking at the Aptus, a dildo designed expressly for that purpose. I’ve always gotten the sense from Uberrime that they take user feedback into account constantly, and this feels like the kind of dildo one could only create if one either liked A-spot stimulation oneself, or had listened carefully to the commentary of people who do. It’s got the exact kind of curve and tapering that a great A-spot toy requires, and just like the Night King above, it boasts 8 inches of insertable length, so it’ll be able to reach that spot regardless of where you are in your arousal cycle and/or menstrual cycle. Damn… Might’ve talked myself into buying one 😂

Image via Uberrime

I was pleasantly surprised by the Fingo clit grinder, which Uberrime sent me a while back. I don’t really consider my clit large enough to be able to penetrate anything, even when it’s hard, but I do enjoy a BJ-esque suction technique when receiving oral, so I’d wondered if I might like a toy that surrounds my clit similarly to how a mouth can. Once I got myself turned on and lubed up the Fingo, I enjoyed ‘fucking’ in and out of it with my clit. I don’t think I could get off that way, but it was a fun, pleasurable tease! I’d be curious to know what a transmasculine person would think of this one – I imagine it’d be too small for some T-dicks, but might work really well for others.

Image via Uberrime

The Astra looks like the perfect strap-on-compatible dildo with which to fuck someone who likes G-spot or prostate stimulation. That elongated, flat head would massage either of those spots beautifully, especially if you choose one of the firmer silicone formulations Uberrime offers. Many strap-on sex connoisseurs will love the wide variety of color options available, too – your strap-on setup is part of your sexual self-expression, so it should be something you feel sexy in, whether you go with bright red, plain black, a realistic skin tone, or a loud color combo that makes your heart sing.

Image via Uberrime

Speaking of interesting color options, I love that Uberrime makes packers in various eclectic colors, not just skin tones. If your gender feels more expansive than the typical binary allows for, you might well want a technicolor dick – like maybe the Uberrime Esse packer in a bold red-yellow swirl, or a unicorny candy-floss gradient. Cute!

Image via Uberrime

I’ve enjoyed the Suavis vaginal plug, but am currently curious about this one, the Sensi. It looks like it would press against my G-spot effortlessly once inserted, which is exactly what I’m craving when I reach for a vaginal plug (my go-to is the Hole Punch Fluke, FYI!). This type of toy pairs excellently with oral sex; it’s a lot easier for me to get off from someone going down on me when my G-spot is being automatically massaged every time my internal muscles clench!

Well, there you have it – my top picks from Uberrime. Don’t forget to use the code SUMMER15 to get 15% off your order, this weekend only! And why not pick a weird color you wouldn’t normally get? Life’s too short for boring dildos, if you ask me!

Review: Velora Luxe Bullet vibrator

Kate Sloan

What is the Velora Luxe Bullet vibrator?

Sex toy retailer Velora’s Place sent me their Luxe Bullet to review. It’s a rechargeable vibrator made of silicone and plastic. Like other bullets, it’s on the smaller side of the vibrator spectrum (3.15″ long by 0.8″ wide). It’s currently being sold for $20.99.

Things I like about the Velora Luxe Bullet:

  • Strong enough: It’s no jackhammer or Magic Wand, but I was surprised by this thing’s power output, given its low price and diminutive size. I never had a problem coming with it, sometimes even through underwear and/or sleep shorts.
  • Not horribly buzzy: While the Luxe Bullet certainly isn’t as rumbly (i.e. low-pitched and deeply stimulating) as some higher-end bullets like the We-Vibe Tango X, it’s also not anywhere near as annoyingly buzzy (i.e. high-pitched and numbing) as I would generally expect for a vibe at this price point. As I said above, I was consistently able to reach orgasm with it – and I had enough clitoral sensitivity left at that point that the orgasms were good, not muted. Impressive for such an affordable toy!
  • Petite: Like other bullets, the Luxe Bullet is small and thus more easily maneuverable than a chonkier vibrator. It can work well between bodies during sex, and easily fits into a purse or pocket. (A couple caveats, though: it lacks a travel lock function, which would make it more portable, and it’s also too big to fit into slots designed for standard-sized bullet vibes, such as those found in the base of some dildos.)
  • Price: Despite its bougie-sounding name, the Luxe Bullet currently retails for just $20.99. I’m always glad to see an actually-decent vibe at a budget-friendly price. It has its flaws, as I’ll get into below, but overall it performs quite well for a $21 vibrator!
  • Rechargeable: It’s cool to see a rechargeable vibe at this price point, since generally I’d expect vibes under $30 to run on disposable batteries. This toy charges via a convenient little USB cable.

Things I don’t like about the Velora Luxe Bullet:

  • Only 3 steady speeds: Not that I would expect much more from a $21 vibrator, but the Luxe Bullet has just 3 steady speeds, followed by 7 patterns. I always prefer at least 8 steady speeds, as it expands your sensation options and makes the jumps between speeds less jarring. It’s also annoying to have to cycle through all the patterns, using the toy’s one button, to get back to the first speed again.
  • Inconsistent patterns: Of the Luxe Bullet’s 7 patterns, only 3 maintain a steady rhythm with minimal pauses between buzzes. The other 4 patterns might be suitable for people who like unpredictability or the fun(?) frustration of edging, but that ain’t me, so I got annoyed with these, especially since you have to cycle through all of them to get back to the first vibration speed.
  • Basic shape: I generally prefer bullets that have either a pointed tip or a flat/angled one, as this gives more sensation options (you can, for example, use the tip of such a toy when you want a more pinpointed sensation, and hold it sideways when you want a more diffuse/broad feeling). The Luxe Bullet has a uniform thickness of 20 mm (about 0.8 inches) along its whole length, so if you prefer slimmer/more precise stimulation than that, you should look elsewhere.
  • Color: Brown is certainly an unusual shade for a vibrator, so I’ll give ’em points for originality, but in this particular size and shape, it ends up looking a bit faecal, which is, shall we say, not my kink. Other color options are available, though!
  • Noise level: As is to be expected for a vibe at this price point, it makes a definitely-audible buzzing noise, and is not, as its marketing copy claims, “whisper-quiet” by any means. However, it probably wouldn’t be detectable from another room if the door was closed and you were playing white noise or music to cover the sound.
  • Vibrates fingers: I sometimes experienced numbness or discomfort in my hand/fingers when using the Luxe Bullet, because (as is common for vibes of this size/shape) the vibrations are conducted through the entire toy, not just the tip. Folks with hand pain/discomfort might struggle to comfortably keep a good grip on this toy.
  • Presumably not waterproof: Since there’s no mention anywhere of the Luxe Bullet being waterproof, I have to assume it isn’t, which makes it a little trickier to clean and also limits the environments in which you can use it. But, again, that’s to be expected for a $21 vibrator.

Final thoughts

The Luxe Bullet is a notably better vibrator than I was expecting, for a $21 toy! I’d happily recommend this for a beginner on a budget who wants a vibe for external stimulation (it’s not really suitable for vaginal or anal penetration due to its small size, straight shape, and lack of a flared base). It delivers decently strong vibrations for its petite form factor, and will do the job well for many folks. I wish we’d had this in stock when I was working sex toy retail in my twenties – I’m sure I would’ve sold a bunch of them!

It has its issues, but overall, the Luxe Bullet is indeed more luxe than one would think, given its low pricetag. Yay for affordable orgasms!

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of the product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.