Girly Juice

“This fucking machine looks like a ukulele,” observed my boyfriend as he assembled it for me. And then, consulting the instructions: “Wait, it’s actually designed to look like a ukulele!!”

At that point, I truly wondered if I was dreaming, because anyone who knows me knows that I love sex toys and I love ukuleles. They are two of my favorite kinds of things to collect en masse, along with notebooks, lipsticks, and absurd sexual fantasies about unattainable crushes. So I was delighted that the sex machine company Sinloli had made a whimsically ukulele-shaped fucking machine – although I wondered who else, besides me, might be the target audience for such a thing. Musically-minded sluts, rise up!

(I must warn you, dear readers – all my testing notes for this review were in a notebook which I tragically misplaced on a flight to Toronto yesterday, having had to leave the machine itself back at home in Brooklyn – so I am writing this based solely on recollections and vibes. But perhaps that’s a good thing once in a while.)

Unboxing & assembly

As you may know if you’re a connoisseur of such things (or even just a fan from afar), fucking machines are usually pretty large. They kind of have to be – for a mechanized object to be able to thrust a dildo hard and fast into somebody’s hole(s), it needs to be sturdy/heavy enough to stay in place and to deliver a solid ramming, which usually requires mass.

But, just as the five-foot-tall dom I dated in my twenties was way rougher with me [positive!] than some gentle giants I’ve been with, a fucking machine needn’t be huge to achieve its lascivious goals. Sinloli is the sister company of Hismith, whom you may know for their top-of-the-line sex machines – but while Hismith’s products are generally pretty bulky and can cost anywhere from $400 to upwards of $1,000, Sinloli’s offerings are more budget-friendly and petite.

This ukulele-shaped sex machine, for instance, only costs $320 USD (or $400 CAD), and it comes with everything you’ll need to get thoroughly railed: the machine itself, the tools you’ll need to assemble it, a remote control, three(!!) dildo attachments, an additional attachment that makes the machine compatible with any dildo that has a suction-cup base, and a storage bag to keep it all in. Genuinely a phenomenal deal, if you ask me.

I chatted separately with my wife and boyfriend about who wanted to assemble this product for me, since I am a delicate (read: physically weak) little princess with a chronic illness that affects muscle strength. My wife likes being a cuckold sometimes, so I considered “making” her assemble the machine while I audibly had sex with someone else in another room, or “forcing” her to watch me get fucked by the machine she’d just assembled while unable to fuck me herself… but ultimately, boyfriend seemed more enthused about sex toy assembly than wifey did, so I delegated the task to him instead. He put the machine together while the two of us watched Gail Daughtry & the Celebrity Sex Pass (great flick!).

He noted that the assembly was overall pretty straightforward, its process laid out clearly enough in the provided instructions. The one tricky bit was removing a dildo attachment once it’d been attached, something I still personally haven’t figured out how to do; I know there’s a button somewhere on the metal connector that detaches it but I think I just don’t have the hand strength to operate it!

Dicks galore – a.k.a. attachments

I was surprised that the Sinloli machine came with three different dildo attachments, all of which appear to be silicone and of decent quality. All three are lifelike/dick-like; two are in Caucasian-esque skin tones with charmingly realistic color gradients, while one is solid black.

The biggest one is quite large (7.4″ insertable length, 1.8″ diameter), larger than I’d want in 95% of cases, but I’m glad to have it in case of a size queen emergency. The other two are more to my taste, as they’re more in line with the sizes of flesh-and-blood cocks I’ve enjoyed having inside me. The all-black one (6.2″ by 1.4″) has an upward curve, making it better for G-spot and A-spot stimulation, while the skin-tone one (5.8″ by 1.5″) is straighter and thus provides an overall feeling of fullness/fucked-ness without targeting any spots in particular. All three can also be used as standalone/handheld dildos, if you’re ever not in the mood to get fucked by a machine.

My experience with the Sinloli Sex Machine Mini

When a human being is fucking me, I try to give instructions (if needed) to help them do it the way I like it – and generally, those instructions have to do with depth, speed, or angle. So it’s fantastic that all three of those variables are highly customizable when you’re using the Sinloli. The clamps at either end can be adjusted along the height of the toy’s metal legs in order to angle the toy’s stroke upward or downward, and there’s another clamp in the middle (right where the soundhole of an actual ukulele would be) that allows you to adjust the stroke depth/length. Both of these adjustments should ideally be made while the toy is off/unmoving; it’s difficult to make such changes while the machine is actively fucking, like trying to do the Cha Cha Slide on a moving treadmill.

As for thrust speed, that is controlled via either the toy’s included remote (which I found connected to the machine easily and instantly, no finagling required) or Sinloli’s phone app. That variable can be adjusted during use, either by the user themselves or by someone else who is controlling the toy.

I tested this machine with my wife. It’s far from the only time she’s controlled a toy of mine – in fact, she operated the remote of a Cowgirl vibe that the Museum of Sex invited me to come sit on, less than 2 months into dating me! – so I knew I could trust her to put the machine through its paces without totally wrecking my vag. She got me super turned on beforehand (via oral sex, if you must know), which I would recommend – getting rammed before you’re physically ready is usually an unpleasant experience, unless you’re into that. We primarily tested the all-black, slightly-curved dildo, since that’s the one that seemed like it would feel the best for me.

Indeed, it was a great time in both the positions we tested it in: I got on my knees on the floor and got fucked from behind with the machine for a while, and then flipped over onto my back for a more missionary-style fucking. The machine’s angle-adjustability allowed it to hit my spots easily. One downside of this toy’s small size (compared to standard-issue Hismiths, etc.) is that you’re more limited in terms of height, so I had to be pretty low to the ground for the dildo to line up with my hole, but that didn’t bug me too much.

Try as we might, we couldn’t figure out how to lock the dildo in place so that the curve would stay facing the right direction as the toy thrusted. This was minorly annoying when it would lose contact with my A-spot, but overall the experience was more about feeling filled up and thoroughly fucked than it was about stimulating specific spots. I held a vibe on my clit, and my wife kept a hand on my thigh for much of our testing time, feeling for the changes in muscle tension that tell her when to speed up and when to slow down. It was hot to feel her fucking me via the machine, the ways her personality and approach invariably came through, rather than feeling like the machine had put her at a cold remove from my body.

Using this toy was an interesting exercise in getting in touch with my own physical desires. Usually when a partner fucks me, they are reading my responses and making executive decisions moment-to-moment about how to optimize their technique – but since my wife had less sensory information to go off of when operating the machine, I had to be more verbally instructive than usual about what changes I wanted and when. I tend to want shorter, deeper, slightly faster strokes as I get closer to coming, which was completely achievable with the Sinloli. In fact, the machine (not to mention my wife’s operation of it) was so effective that I squirted all over the floor when I came.

One advantage that fucking machines have over humans is their ability to maintain a steady rhythm. Humans can certainly try, and some of them succeed some of the time (especially musicians, I have found!), but some combination of fatigue and arousal usually leads to deviations in rhythm. While understandable (human bodies are fallible), this can mess with my ability to build to an orgasm at times, so I appreciate that this tireless machine will keep on truckin’ as long as it remains plugged into the wall (or until you slow it down/turn it off). This not only feels great physically but also helps alleviate some guilt I sometimes feel about “taking too long” to come and thus tiring partners out. Naturally, my wife enjoyed the sights and sounds of getting me off via sex machine, too!

Other cool stuff

The Sinloli Sex Machine Mini has a bunch of pre-programmed patterns, which are good for mixing things up. Personally I always prefer steady stroking, so I stuck with that, but I could see the patterns being fun for someone who likes surprises or wants to be teased.

This machine is much quieter than I was expecting. In my experience, if a sex toy has “machine” in its title, it’ll tend to loudly buzz or clank or groan when it’s on – but this one produces a totally unobjectionable low whirr that I actually found kind of… relaxing to listen to?!

Sinloli’s proprietary attachment system is called EzfunLok, and they sell various other dildos that utilize this system – but they also sell converters that make this machine usable with KlicLok (Hismith) and Vac-U-Lock (Doc Johnson) attachments, which adds a lot of versatility and possibility. The included suction-cup converter is cool too, as it allows you to use this machine with any dildo that has a decent suction-cup base – and I have soooo many of those! You don’t have to use it with dildos, either – some of the other attachment types available include strokers and anal beads.

Final thoughts

Friends, partners, and crushes alike will often ask me conversationally, “What reviews are you working on lately?” and it’s been so funny to tell them about this ukulele-shaped fucking machine. Some would crow “Oh my god! That’s perfect for you!” Some would get wide-eyed with wonderment and demand an explanation of what the hell a fucking machine even does (to me, the name is self-evident, but hey…!). Some were already verrrry familiar with such machines from porn, and would get palpably turned on from the very idea of me using one. It was an interesting mixed bag of reactions, much like how the Sinloli Sex Machine itself can pair with a mixed bag of attachments…!

There are many times when I’m in the mood to get fucked but simply don’t have the strength (or can’t be bothered) to do it myself – and when I’m home alone in that kind of mood, a fucking machine like this one is the perfect solution. This Sinloli model is small enough that I can tuck it into my closet or under my bed without first disassembling it, which makes it a lot likelier that I’ll actually use it when the craving strikes. I’ve also found its operation to be quite straightforward and easy – no mid-fuck troubleshooting required.

At $320 USD (or $400 CAD), I think this is a remarkably well-priced entry-level fucking machine that would serve a lot of people well. It’s also conveniently sized for small living spaces: sans attachment, it tops out at 20″ long and 12.2″ tall. It weighs just 11 pounds, and would probably be able to fuck harder/even more effectively if it was heavier and thus sturdier, but it’s plenty sturdy for its size and I think its lack of heft will make it a lot easier for me to pull it out and use it when the mood arises. Thanks to Sinloli for sending me such a fantastic little fucking machine – and one shaped like my favorite musical instrument, no less!

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of the product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.