9 Inches? Who Gives a Fuck?

I’m tired of the penis size debate.

Yeah, I said it. I’m tired of those 8-inchers who think they’re great lovers just because of their measurements. I’m tired of guys with borderline micropenises constantly fretting. I’m tired of average-cocked guys desperately wondering if they’ll be able to “satisfy” their ladies. Just drop it, okay?!

Aside from much-quoted facts, like the fact that the average penis is somewhere around 5.25 inches, and trite-but-true sayings that refer to the “motion of the ocean,” it seems there isn’t much that can be said to comfort this issue. Which is why I hereby present to you my list of things that are significantly more important than penis size. Tell your anxious friends and enjoy!

1. Enthusiasm. You could be a virgin with no experience or knowledge to speak of, but as long as you’re genuinely enthusiastic about sex, you’ll be fine. Enthusiastic people learn faster and more thoroughly – and more importantly, having sex with them is fun.

2. Open-mindedness. How would you feel if your girlfriend wanted you to use a dildo on her during oral sex? What if your boyfriend wanted you to tie him up and call him a slut? What would you say if your lover relished a good hard spanking while dressed up like a nurse? Being open to sexual possibilities is one of the best qualities you can have if you want to lead an exciting life.

3. Communication skills. If you can’t tell your lover what you like, you’re never going to get it. Likewise, if you can’t really listen to and absorb what your lover requests, you’re never going to fully satisfy them. Get good at talking and listening, and at doing so without shame or apprehension, and you will have exponentially better sex than most people are having.

4. Attentiveness. Are you attuned enough that you can detect the difference between your lover’s pleasure noises and their pain noises? Of course, much of the burden rests on them to let you know when something has gone awry, but you still have to be aware of what’s going on. Attentiveness also means you’re aware of when something is working for your partner, and you file away that piece of information for later use. Does she like circles on her clit hood? Remember that, and make use of it. She’ll thank you profusely.

5. The “motion of the ocean.” Yes, this is a major cliché, but it is important. Some women like rough jackhammering right on their G-spot, some prefer gentle thrusts that shallowly stroke the vaginal opening, and there are all sorts of combinations in between. Sex isn’t just about the in-and-out; mix it up, try things out, be creative with your cock!

6. Generosity. I contemplated making “tongue and finger skills” a point on this list, but really, oral and manual prowess will come naturally over time if you are a sexually generous person. It’s more important that you want it – you’ll develop your skills along the way, but your desire to be generous is the hottest thing of all.

7. A sense of humor. Sex is fun and often kind of funny. Sleeping with someone who understands this is a total delight. Don’t make it into some serious affair; it shouldn’t be arduous work.

8. Confidence. If you really do feel insecure about the size of your peen, don’t let it show. “Fake it ‘til you make it,” as they say. Insecurity is never sexy – and you have no reason to be insecure, anyway, as long as you take into consideration what I’ve written in this post. No one’s going to get mad if you’re not a sex god right away, so quit freaking out and just rock it.