Musings

5 Fun Things to Do When Your Partner is in Chastity

Kate Sloan
Wearing my sweetheart’s chastity key around my neck 🔑

Chastity has joined my constellation of kinks relatively recently; I’ve been my partner’s “keyholder” since 2020. They’re not locked up all the time, or anywhere close to it – usually I’ll lock them up for anywhere from a few days to a week or more, but never for longer than a month. However, even short stints of keeping their dick under lock and key can be emotionally and sexually intense for both of us. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more powerful than I do while literally wearing the key to someone’s genitals around my neck, giving them commands which they eagerly follow.

You might think that your sexual options would be limited if one partner’s junk is inaccessible – and yeah, it definitely puts some fun parameters around the types of play you’re able to engage in. But there’s a lot you can do even while your partner’s dick is caged. Here are a few of my favorite examples.

 

1. Strap-on sex

I’m a fan of strap-on sex in general, regardless of the gender or anatomy of the person I’m with; it’s an enjoyable way to experiment with sensations that are different from those you’d be able to access just by getting fucked with fingers or a flesh-and-blood dick. It can also feel more intimate and visceral than having someone simply hold a dildo and fuck you with it by hand.

It can be amusing to “make” my partner fuck me with a strap-on while they’re locked up. I can taunt them about not being able to do it with their actual cock, and can make humiliating comments about how they wouldn’t be able to last long enough to please me anyway, etc. Plus, on a purely logistical level, I like getting off from penetrative sex but often partners indeed can’t last long enough for me to get there, so it’s nice that with a strap-on, I never have to worry about them coming too soon and thereby losing their boner. (They might still come, though… especially if they’ve been denied orgasms for a while, and are particularly enjoying the sights and sounds involved in fucking me with a strap-on. Erotic hypnosis can also be used to make it so that my partner actually feels like the dildo is their dick, which can make it easier for them to orgasm from fucking me with it. Neat!)

Naturally, it’s also possible for me to wear a strap-on and fuck my partner with it while they’re locked up. I could see this being a particularly compelling activity for people who want to learn to come from prostate stimulation alone, since you literally can’t get any dick stimulation this way if you’re wearing a chastity cage, and have to rely on the prostate stim if you want to get off at all (assuming you’re allowed to!).

 

2. Butt plugs

Speaking of prostate stimulation… Wearing a butt plug can be a nice way of getting some kind of pleasure even if your usual avenues are thwarted.

I sometimes like to have my partner wear a butt plug while they go down on me or otherwise please me, because it seems to keep them more focused on the task at hand, and increases their arousal and pleasure throughout the process.

Vibrating butt plugs can be especially fun. One of my favorites can be controlled long-distance, so I can give my partner prostate orgasms even while they’re 500 miles away from me, which is pretty cool.

 

3. Love letters

One of my favorite things about chastity play is the emotional effect it has on my partner. This could be the topic of a whole other blog post, but suffice it to say, their romantic feelings toward me get dialed way up after a few days of being denied orgasms. It’s almost like they’re back in “New Relationship Energy,” the name given by polyamorists to the euphoric and obsessive mental state that is also sometimes termed the “honeymoon phase” of a relationship.

My partner is always good at writing me love letters, but particularly so when they’re in chastity, because of these elevated emotions. They can pontificate for paragraphs about how much they love various personality traits, talents, and body parts of mine. Since I’m not always the most self-assured person, I often like to take the opportunity during chastity stints to have them write me adoring words that I can look back on for months or years to come, whenever I need a confidence boost. Doing this might earn them a reward, or sometimes it’s just a task I assign them for fun.

 

4. Vibrators

Did you know you can use a vibrator on a chastity cage and the person wearing it can feel the vibrations? This isn’t true under every circumstance – my understanding is that it only really works if the person is hard inside their cage, but, y’know, it’s not too terribly tricky to get my partner hard when they’ve been denied any sexual stimulation for days at a time.

I like using vibes on my partner’s cage when I want to reward them with pleasure but still want them to feel teased and tormented to some extent. They’re obviously not feeling the full force of the vibrations when they’re conducted through the metal cage, so the stimulation feels comparatively muffled in a way that can be thrillingly frustrating. And orgasms, when they happen this way, can be painful and/or ruined, due to the tightness of the cage and the diffuse nature of the stimulation, which makes them a delightful treat for sadomasochists.

For this purpose, I would recommend a vibrator that’s strong and rumbly enough to be felt through the cage. Powerful wand vibrators are my faves to use for this purpose, especially those with a softer head that won’t clang against the cage too harshly. You can experiment with placement, but I find that pressing the vibe against the frenulum area usually works best.

 

5. Cuckolding

Now, granted, this isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, and won’t be within everyone’s relationship boundaries (but then, that’s true of all of these suggestions!). My partner and I are non-monogamous, though, and they enjoy the humiliation of being cucked, so it’s been fun for us to lean into that side of things occasionally.

For example, my partner has sometimes paid for my meal or transportation on nights when I’ve had dates (or, in one memorable case, a blowjob porn shoot) with other people, and then I might come home afterward and tell them about my evening over the phone while they groan in frustration. This amuses me, boosts my confidence, and helps ease the irrational guilt I sometimes feel about dating/kissing/fucking other people even though I’m explicitly allowed to do so. Plus it’s kind of a sweet (if perverted) way to reconnect after an evening apart.

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Butt Plugs Are Surprisingly Versatile

Kate Sloan
Pictured: the Godemiche Plug B in raspberry cream glitter (have you ever seen such a gorgeous plug?!)

Did you know that the all-time most popular post on this entire blog (out of nearly 1,300 posts) is about activities that are more fun when you’re wearing a butt plug? People are very curious about this topic, apparently.

That being said, even 7 years after writing that post, I’m still regularly amazed by the versatility of butt plugs. Let me explain.

A lot of sex toys require you to use them actively – you hold a vibrator against yourself, thrust a dildo in and out, move a stroker up and down. Sure, some of these toys can be used in a more passive manner, especially with the help of accessories like a wand vibrator clamp or a fucking machine, but apart from that, generally you have to be doing something in order to use this type of toy.

A well-designed butt plug is different because you can “set it and forget it” – although, of course, if it feels particularly good then you may not really be able to “forget it”!

One of the ways I use butt plugs most frequently these days is wearing one while receiving oral sex (or while having cunnilingus-focused phone sex, as the case may be). I don’t always have the energy or the vaginal ambition to thrust a dildo against my G-spot or A-spot, but clitoral pleasure on its own doesn’t always feel stimulating enough for a super-satisfying experience. Enter the humble butt plug. Like a dildo, it gives me something to squeeze around when clitoral stimulation makes my pelvic muscles contract, thereby intensifying orgasms and the lead-up to them – but unlike a dildo, I don’t need to move it or even touch it once it’s inserted (provided, again, that it’s well-designed enough to stay put, which, sadly, not all plugs are).

Wearing a butt plug makes me much more aware of every little twitch and contraction of my vaginal muscles, which is why it’s so stellar when paired with oral. But for the same reason, it also makes a spanking or other sadomasochistic scene feel all the more arousing. I never noticed how much my genital muscles squeeze and pulse when I’m receiving pain until I started wearing a butt plug during these scenes sometimes – the plug pretty much forces me to notice it!

Another way I frequently use butt plugs is as motivation for completing certain tasks. My partner, who is very clever, will sometimes tell me to insert a plug if I need to clean my room or do various other chores. Much like wearing a collar around my neck, the plug serves as a constant reminder of what I’m meant to be doing, because I can’t really “tune out” the sensation of wearing one – it’s always there, drawing attention to itself, so that if I get sidetracked or demotivated, it’s never too long before I go, “Oh wait, yeah, I’m supposed to be tidying. Let’s get back to that.” Other adult toys can certainly be motivating too – promising me a wand-vibe orgasm when I finish writing an article is a good way to make sure it gets done, for instance – but I find none so easy to seamlessly incorporate into the task itself as a butt plug.

For me, butt plugs also work well for generating arousal passively, even if I’m not doing anything sexual at all. Sometimes my partner will tell me to wear a plug while we watch a TV show or a movie together, and usually by the time we’re done watching, I’m turned on, even if there was nothing sexual in the media we consumed. This is super useful, especially since a combination of chronic pain, depression, and having responsive desire can make it hard for me to “get in the mood” even when I want to. Butt plugs are kind of a life hack in this way.

Plenty of people use butt plugs as a warm-up for anal sex or larger anal penetration, and I’ve used them that way from time to time too. But since I prefer anal penetration on the smaller end of the spectrum for the most part, usually a plug itself is enough for me. I’m always glad to have packed one in my suitcase when I travel to see my partner, because we always end up using it in myriad ways. Gotta love a product that’s equally enjoyable during a cunnilingus session, a heavy flogging, or a trip to the grocery store!

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Pay For Your Porn, Please!

Kate Sloan
Me on a shoot day in 2016

One of the many ways I’ve seen porn performers get insulted and degraded online is by dudes (yes, it is almost always dudes) yelling, “Why would I pay for your OnlyFans (or whatever) when I can get any porn I want for free?!”

Besides being super mean-spirited and unnecessary (not to mention reeking of whorephobia), this argument – if one can even call it that – is based on a fundamental misunderstanding of how the porn industry works, and how art in general gets made. And yes, I would consider porn to be an art form!

See, as the world is learning in real-time right now from the Writers Guild of America strike, the art you love doesn’t just magically appear out of thin air – actual people make it (I’m not talking about AI art here, because it kinda sucks, both morally and artistically), and those people deserve to be paid fairly for their time, work, and expertise. This is true whether the art in question is something we generally understand to be expensive, like an oil painting, or something we generally understand to be cheap or free, like online porn.

As with any kind of art, if we want porn to keep being made, we need to ensure that its creators are able to sustain themselves financially so they can continue making it. I’m no porn-industry expert, but it seems to me that the emphasis has shifted massively from big porn studios to smaller creators and collectives over the last decade or so, and I imagine a lot of that has to do with how often people torrent porn, stream it on sites that have pirated it, and so on. Big studio productions are expensive to make, and can’t be continually cranked out if no one is paying for them. I love indie porn stars as much as the next hyper-online gal, but I can’t deny that I also sometimes appreciate the spectacle of a huge-scale porn production like Pirates (2005), which supposedly had a $1 million budget (!!), or Alice in Wonderland (1976), which had a budget of $500,000 (about $2.5 million in today’s money if we account for inflation!).

That’s not to say it’s impossible to watch free porn in an ethical way. Creators on YouTube and PornHub alike, for instance, can make ad revenue from people who watch their videos, at no additional cost to viewers. Many independent creators offer some free content as part of their overall marketing strategy, though of course the hope is that a substantial portion of their free viewers will become paid viewers over time.

It’s also definitely possible to pay for your porn even if you’re on a budget. Sites like Clips4Sale and ManyVids are chock full of videos priced at $5 or less, which you can then watch and re-watch to your heart’s content. Many performers offer sales to mark certain holidays or just when they need to drum up some extra cash, so follow your faves on social media if you want to be informed when/if that happens. You can even click here for a Naughty America discount. There is a TON of cheap porn out there, and every time you buy someone’s porn, or subscribe to their OnlyFans feed or similar, you’re helping them out and letting them know with your dollars that you want them to keep making wank material for you to enjoy.

I’m happy to pay for romance novels, because they make me giggle and blush; thriller movies, because they make me gasp and scream; and action video games, because they make my heart speed up and engage my brain. The other reason I’m happy to pay for these things (when I have the cash to do so) is that I want them to keep being made. By that token, it makes complete sense that I’d also want to pay for my porn – because it entertains me, inspires me, teaches me new things about my sexuality, and (of course) turns me on and gets me off. I hope you’ll pay for your porn too, at least some of the time, because a future without porn (or with porn created by soulless AIs) sounds pretty fuckin’ bleak, if you ask me.

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Sex Work is Work

Kate Sloan
Part of a display at the Leather Archives & Museum in Chicago

What with increasingly puritanical laws like SESTA/FOSTA jeopardizing the livelihoods of sex workers on a daily basis, there’s a lot of discourse these past few years about the validity of sex work as a profession. I think people on both sides are arguing with (what they think are) good intentions, but one side is just flat-out wrong.

See, one of the primary arguments against sex work is that it’s inherently exploitative and bad for society because “selling your body” is somehow more evil, less virtuous, and less valid than other types of work. Critics often make the case that someone can’t freely enter into sex work and agree to “defile” their body in that way because there are inherently a lot of financial (and sometimes social) pressures that push them into that work.

The thing is, a lot of these anti-sex work bigots (or SWERFs – sex worker-exclusionary radical feminists) are either operating from a deeply religious and archaic ideological framework, or don’t even realize how much Christian values have seeped into their thinking. I know this because they hold sex to a different standard than any other activity one might be paid to do, and there’s no reason it needs to be viewed that away aside from the fundamentally Christian belief that sex is somehow simultaneously sacred and special, and taboo and dirty.

If making money using one’s body is what you have an issue with, you’d need to be equally angry with athletes, actors, dancers, personal trainers, lifeguards, models, etc. etc. in order for that position to be ideologically consistent. If you consider “taking something into your body” to be an act so sacred that no one can willingly do it for a living, you should be yelling at food critics and circus fire-eaters too. If you think “inserting part of yourself into someone else’s body” isn’t valid work, why aren’t you harassing surgeons? If touching someone for the purposes of pleasure and relaxation crosses a line for you, why aren’t you mad at masseuses, acupressure specialists, and manicurists?

Some of these examples are a bit ridiculous, sure – but that’s because the arguments they’re refuting are ridiculous too. For me, the wildest thing about anti-sex work criticism is that it points out some of capitalism’s fatal flaws, but rarely goes so far as to actually criticize capitalism – largely because many such critics are well-off, conservative-leaning people who benefit from, and advocate for, capitalism’s deepest inequalities. These people will say that no one can truly consent to a job they take due to financial pressures, that sex work is inherently bad because it’s exploitative and can be dangerous, that it’s gross that someone can pay to access someone else’s body – but all of these are problems with capitalism itself, and not with sex work in particular. If you truly believe financial pressures should be eliminated so everyone can make free choices about what they do with their time, advocate for socialism and a universal basic income. If you think no one should be subject to exploitation and danger at their job, advocate for better worker protections and higher pay. If you think having a lot of money shouldn’t give someone control over other people’s bodies, maybe take that up with Jeff Bezos, for starters.

Humans are prone to trying to come up with “logical” explanations for feelings we hold deep in our gut – and far too often it’s immoral, insulting, dishonest, and ineffective. It’s the reason bigots argue that queer and trans people are the downfall of society, when they actually just think queer and trans people are icky. It’s the reason some racists will argue that they have valid reasons for their prejudices, when actually they’re just propagating the racist values they were raised with and chose not to challenge. And it’s the reason lobbyists and lawmakers would rather make sex workers’ lives harder and more dangerous by, say, banning online sex work platforms, like the Craigslist personals section, Backpage, and escortsliaison.com on the basis of “protecting vulnerable people,” rather than admit that those people either need a different kind of help or don’t need “help” at all.

I’ve only dabbled in some forms of sex work, but even I have encountered these shaming narratives, so I know that people more entrenched in the field are struggling and suffering needlessly under the oppressive weight of discrimination. Sex work is work, and as with all other kinds of work, it can only be done safely if there are proper protections in place for workers, which in this case includes having access to websites that allow them to find and screen clients. And as with all other kinds of work, sometimes it’s freely chosen and sometimes it’s chosen out of financial necessity, and neither is more valid than the other, since we live in a capitalistic system and financial pressures are built into our daily lives by design. If your issue is the danger, take it up with the conservative lawmakers making sex work more dangerous. If your issue is financial hardship, take it up with the conservative lawmakers creating those conditions. And if your issue is just that you think sex work is icky, take it up with your therapist, and leave sex workers the hell out of it.

 

If you want to help sex workers, consider donating to sex workers’ rights organizations like SWOP Behind Bars and Red Light Legal, advocating for sex workers’ rights to your local politicians/lawmakers, and even just donating directly to individual sex workers. This post contains a sponsored link; as always, all writing and opinions are my own.

5 Things That Surprised Me About Camming

Kate Sloan

I haven’t done a lot of cam shows, but there was a period in my life where I was being paid to do them once or twice a month or so, and even had regular clients who would book my services again and again. It wasn’t my favorite way to make money, but it did indeed make money, and was certainly much better than some other gigs I could’ve taken, so it made sense to do it when the opportunity arose.

However, despite having long admired the work of cam performers (like those on AnaCams.com) as well as other online sex workers, there were things about camming that I just couldn’t have known until I was doing it myself. Here are a few of those things.

 

1. There sure are a lot of time-wasters.

This is a common complaint you’ll see if you follow any sex workers on social media, but I didn’t truly understand how annoying and disheartening these time-wasters are until I experienced them for myself.

A classic example is the person who, still to this day, sends me emails every so often, asking me what my rate would be for a cam show in which I’d wear “closed-toe business shoes” on camera. Every time this person emails me, I politely send them my rates, along with a note that if they have a specific style of shoe in mind that my current collection does not contain, they are welcome to buy me a pair and I’ll wear them during the show. And every single time, this person neglects to email me back, likely because (if my 15+ years of dealing with internet creeps have taught me anything) they are jerking off to the fantasy of what they have requested, but don’t get off as much on the actual follow-through. Sigh. Please don’t be like this person.

 

2. Cam show prices are variable.

As with many services, while there is a range of standard rates that clients may be more used to, there’s no rule that says you have to charge a standard rate. It’s all about managing supply versus demand and setting a price that doesn’t scare away too many clients but that also respects your time and labor.

Back then, I was always scared of overcharging, thinking that clients would see me as entitled or self-important if I charged “more than I was worth.” But many of these clients had sought me out because they liked me and me specifically, so I imagine they would have been willing to pay more than the relatively low amount I charged. These days I wouldn’t do a cam show for less than $300, but that’s because a) I don’t really like doing them that much and b) I know that it’s okay to set a rate that feels good and tell clients to take it or leave it, provided that I have the privilege (as I fortunately do) to be able to make ends meet either way.

 

3. Not everyone wants to see you do explicitly sexy stuff.

I had regulars who preferred, for example, to hear me tell stories about sex I’d had with other people. This makes sense, given that I tell sex stories for a living (albeit usually in other mediums) and would therefore tend to attract people who are into that.

I liked doing this type of show, because it didn’t require me to take my clothes off and touch myself for a stranger – something that I sometimes found fun but sometimes found terrifyingly vulnerable – and because it made me feel powerful to recount tales of being desired, pursued, and fucked, all while a stranger was paying me for the privilege of hearing these stories.

 

4. Sometimes it’s educational.

One of my favorite regulars was a newly-out-as-queer woman who wanted to learn more about how vulvas worked – anatomy, sexual responses, preferred types of stimulation, etc. Since I’m deeply passionate about sex education (and, arguably, much better at it than I am at being sexy on camera), I delighted in explaining this stuff to her, and was thrilled every time she booked another show.

These days I’d be interested in doing kink education or live sex toy reviews on cam, if someone paid me enough to make it worth my while. Edu-tainment at its finest!

 

5. Sometimes there’s orgasms.

I had initially assumed I would be faking a lot of my cam-show orgasms because I usually just can’t get off within a 15-minute window, especially if I’m aware of the proverbial clock ticking and I’m naked in front of a total stranger. Hello, anxiety!

But while I certainly did fake some orgasms during my shows (mainly in situations where the client had asked me to do something that definitely wasn’t gonna get me off, but there seemed to be an implicit expectation that it would), I also had many real ones on cam. This was particularly likely to happen if a client’s sole instruction was, “Do whatever feels good for you, and I’ll watch.” I’d grab my favorite toys du jour and go to town on myself. Sure, sometimes I had to totally tune out my surroundings and fill my head with fantasies in order to get there – but whenever I did, I was always proud of myself, and (naturally) left the session glowing with endorphins. Yay orgasms!

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.