Lube is Not a Shortcut

Okay, cuties; it’s time for some remedial sex education. Today we’re going to talk about something that should be common sense for all sexually active folks but somehow isn’t. And I count myself as one of those clueless/careless people, because I make this mistake myself all the time.

Lube is an amazing product. It helps make sex and masturbation smoother and more comfortable for all involved. It solves a problem that sometimes can’t be solved any other way. But please remember: lube is not a substitute for proper warm-up. Using lube doesn’t mean you get to skip the foreplay or pull out giant dildos right off the bat. Here are some reasons why.

Mental warm-up matters just as much as physical.

I am super lazy and impatient, so sometimes, when I feel like masturbating, I just pull out a few toys, lube one up and stick it in right away. Some part of me thinks, “Hell yeah, this is gonna feel amazing once I get it in!” but then it’s in and I am in no way in a sexy headspace – so it doesn’t feel good. At best, it feels neutral and kind of boring; at worst, it feels uncomfortable and intrusive.

It can be frustratingly time-consuming sometimes, if you’re not someone who naturally enjoys the journey rather than the destination – but taking time to arouse your brain is well worth the effort. Watch some porn, read some erotica, call up some fantasies. Take a bath, light some candles, put on something silky. If you’re with a partner, make out a little longer, talk dirty, dry-hump like horny teenagers. The destination will be a tastier treat if the journey is delicious at every step.

Orifices need time to open.

Lubrication isn’t the only factor in comfortable penetration. When a person gets aroused, they’re better able to relax to allow someone or something to enter. Orifices also expand during arousal, so there’s more room to work with.

It’s commonly known that asses need prep – for example, using a butt plug for a while before moving up to larger things – but it’s sometimes forgotten that (some) vaginas require that same kind of warm-up. It can make all the difference in the world to start with a finger, then two, then maybe even a smallish dildo before getting out the big guns.

While there’s something to be said for the hotness of going from zero to 10 when that’s the kind of mood you’re in, there’s also something impossibly sexy about inching your way slooowly forward – one finger, two, three – until you get where you’re going, wherever that may be.

Arousal increases sensitivity.

For me, this is the reason why “quickies” tend to be something I do for my partner’s benefit and not my own. When it comes to penetration, I need to be turned on for it to feel good, and that takes some time.

During arousal, the G-spot swells and becomes more sensitive. Nerve endings all over the body also become more sensitive too, including the ones in the vagina and ass. Taking the time to get aroused beforehand could turn a “meh” experience into a “holy fuck, wow” experience.

Injuries can happen.

I alluded to this previously but it’s worth mentioning again, because it’s important. Just like a runner can injure a muscle by taking off without warming up, you can injure your body by jumping straight to penetration without proper preparation.

Even if you don’t feel any major damage happening during the act, you could be creating micro-tears or irritation that could turn into something more serious.

If you find it hot to be quick or spontaneous, here are some suggestions for how to make that work while lessening the risk of injury or discomfort:

• If you know there’s a chance that you’ll be having quick/spontaneous sex soon, use that knowledge and the related fantasies to keep yourself in a state of mental arousal so you’ll be ready. (I probably don’t even have to tell you this, you minx!)

• Carry a travel-size bottle of lube around with you. It’s not a shortcut, but it certainly helps.

• If anal sex is an impending possibility, wear a butt plug. (Don’t attempt to “wear” a dildo in preparation for vaginal sex, though; the vagina is self-cleaning, so blocking its cleaning mechanism for more than a few hours at a time can lead to an infection. Plus vaginal toys aren’t generally designed for this purpose so it would be uncomfortable to have one in for a long period of time.)

• If you know of a foolproof method that turns you on quickly, keep it at the ready. (For example, for me, this would be a super rumbly clit vibe. Thirty seconds of thuddy vibration can create the arousal equivalent of 5-10 minutes of foreplay for me. Better to have a little warm-up than none at all!)

• Communicate with your partner(s) to make sure they know the importance of foreplay. Maybe you can work together to come up with a way to make warm-up hot. (I remember reading somewhere that Tristan Taormino likes to play a Dom/sub game where she warms up her sub’s ass by using anal toys of gradually increasing sizes, under the guise of “I’m going to put everything in this room in your ass, because you’re my slutty sub and I can do whatever I want to you!” This is one example of a way to make warm-up sexy and natural.)

What are your favorite ways to get in the mood?