Permission to Be Gross: 7 Deeply Unsexy Confessions

Possibly the worst selfie I have ever taken.

I imagine it’s exhausting to be a flight attendant, or a car show model, or any other type of person who has to smile and be pleasant for hours at a time. Being that personable takes tons of energy, and I admire the work that goes into it.

In much the same way, working in the sex-positive field often comes with expectations that you will be “sexy” all the time. I feel a lot of pressure, in both my personal and my professional interactions, to put on a foxy façade even when I don’t feel so foxy.

While I love and admire women who are unafraid to be gross and strange – like Amy Poehler, who famously responded to a criticism of her “unladylike” comedy by snarling, “I don’t fucking care if you like it” – that’s just not me. I don’t have that kind of confidence, I guess. Feeling gross and unattractive makes me feel… well, gross and unattractive.

But I’d like to get more comfortable with that feeling, so that maybe it doesn’t bother me so much when it comes up in the future. So here are 7 very unsexy things about me, posted here with intense vulnerability and blushing and nail-biting but for good reasons. I encourage you to make your own list!


1. While I mostly like the way my vag smells and tastes, certain foods affect it in kind of gross ways. Eating sushi – one of my favorite foods! – gives it that strong “fishy” flavor that 1990s hack stand-up comedians so often joked about. I avoid sushi before dates for this reason…

2. I have psoriasis, a hereditary skin condition. Lucky for me, mine is fairly mild. I have it on my scalp, ears, underarms, and a random spot in between my eyebrows (why?!). I use a couple of prescription creams and a tar-based shampoo to keep it under control, but sometimes I’m still flaky/itchy. It ain’t cute.

3. I have a tendency to obsess over people I get romantically and/or sexually involved with. I’m able to keep it under wraps for the most part, so these people typically don’t know I’m thinking about them a lot or looking at their social media pages on the daily, but internally it is a problem and I wish I could fixate less. I think it’s linked to my anxiety.

4. I used to be really sexually selfish and sometimes I still am. I like giving pleasure, but I often don’t unless specifically told/asked to, either because I’m too anxious to initiate it or it just doesn’t occur to me because I’m distracted by my own pleasure. I’m working on it! I want to give more BJs, y’all!

5. I strongly dislike my body most of the time, despite being an advocate of self-love and self-acceptance.

6. I don’t eat well enough or get enough exercise, and I make excuses about both of those things constantly.

7. Sometimes I worry that a lot of my submissive sexual identity actually just stems from sexual uncertainty and insecurity. When you’re paralyzed in fear and worried about what your bedfellow thinks of you, it can be easier to just give up control and let them boss you around; at least then you can feel like you’re “doing something right” instead of fucking up spectacularly.


Are there any “gross” or “unattractive” things about you that you’re too embarrassed to talk about? Want to share? It’s kinda cathartic, I promise…

  • Ellie

    I tend to talk about most icky unsexy things, because I’m not a fan of being quiet… well, not about things that ought to be talked about more! However:
    My skin never quite got the hang of “zits and acne are things of the teenage years”. This includes my scalp. It’s worse certain parts of the month and year, using only “no ‘poo”-hair products has helped, but… I hate being scratched on the head. Because if anyone’s going to pop those annoying, disgusting things, it’s me… and my fingers start itching as soon as someone puts theirs in my hair. I try not to have to explain the exact reasons, because I don’t exactly feel sexy when a nail finds a piece of acne, or when it squeezes >,<
    That goes for my back too. Yeah. No back-scratching for me, thanks. Massage is fine, but…

    Well, first commenter and all, but, I wanted to let you know you're not alone in having unsexy stuff going on.

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  • I feel you on a lot of those but particularly 7 is a big one for me. So far I’ve decided that I shouldn’t matter why I like being submissive, let’s just focus on finding a dom/domme I click with 🙂 I’m done forcing myself to be a switch. Me being dominant is going to happen for 10 minutes every couple of years and I’m fine with that.

    Also: I don’t wash my toys, sometimes until I want to use them again. Just chuck it on the floor. There is nothing hot water and soap can’t get off glass and silicone.

    It’s really hard to deal with culture’s pressure to always be sexy (but not sexual), especially if we reject the mask of the prude and can’t hide behind it. It always comes back to people’s feeling of entitlement to your body, your sexuality. Even if they are not trying to “get” sex from you, they still expect you to be available and entertaining. Ugh!