A friend once told me that in her ideal life, she would give a blowjob every day. Her partner would get home from work in the evening, he’d drop his pants, she’d suck him off, and then they’d go about the rest of their night. She considers giving head as important to her emotional well-being as the other self-care routines in her life, like skincare, yoga, and long leisurely baths.
I think about this often, and my opinion on it seems to change from week to week. There are times when the thought of a daily blowjob is so unappealing, I want to keep my mouth closed for the rest of my goddamn life. And then there are times – like now, for instance – when even just the mental image of a cock resting on my tongue is enough to get me going. And I think: a blowjob a day? Every day? For the foreseeable future? Yes please.
But why does my attitude about BJs flip-flop so drastically? I think it comes down to the dicks that I have at my disposal at any given time. Because if there’s not a dick worth sucking in my life, I barely think about blowjobs. But as soon as I find a cock that makes my mouth happy, it’s all I can think about. I’ve got BJs on the brain. Like, nonstop.
My idea of the Perfect Blowjob Recipient is multi-faceted. Partly, it’s about technical specs. Is the dick shaped and sized in such a way that it won’t make my jaw ache after thirty seconds or curve up into my uvula? Is it clean, well-groomed, and pleasant to the touch? Does it harden in my mouth satisfyingly when I’m doing a good job?
But what makes or breaks any kind of sex for me, what takes a cock from “aesthetically pleasing” to “incredibly fun to suck,” is really the personality of my partner. More than the physical sensations of sex, what makes an encounter memorable for me is how much fun it was, how excited I felt, how my emotions and psychology got looped into the experience. And with that in mind, I have some tips for folks who want to be a good blowjob recipient. Or at least, my ideal blowjob recipient.
Firstly and most importantly: make me feel comfortable. Set me at ease. Prioritize my safety and emotional well-being above your pleasure at all times. Maybe that sounds like a lot of work, but it’s really just a chain reaction you can set up once and it’ll domino the rest of the way with only occasional nudges from you. Say things like: “You look gorgeous doing that.” “Is this okay?” “Your mouth feels so good.” “Let me know if you get tired and want to stop; that’s totally fine.”
My anxieties and insecurities are what kept me from loving blowjobs for a damn long time. I was so distracted by thoughts of my own inadequacy that I missed out on the actual sensual pleasure of having a cock in my mouth. If you front-load enough of these assurances into our first few BJs together, you’ll imbue me with the confidence and calm to keep giving you stellar head without getting nervous about it. It doesn’t take a lot of effort and the payoff is enormous.
Secondly: fucking appreciate what I am doing. And I don’t just mean privately feel grateful for my blowjobs inside your own head. I mean express your appreciation. Tell me when something feels good. Bring it up not only during, but after the fact: “That blowjob last night was amazing.” “That thing you did with your tongue made me come so hard.” “I loved the way you touched my balls.”
Make some noise. In talking to other women about sex with men, one of our main complaints – and that’s not an exaggeration – is that men don’t make enough noise. Performing oral sex on a silent partner is unsatisfying in the same way that it’s unsatisfying to flip a light switch when the bulb has burned out. In past relationships, when my blowjob enthusiasm has dwindled, it’s been because I got tired of pouring my heart and soul into a dick that might as well have been a banana for all the response I was getting. It can take some time to train yourself into making noise in bed if it doesn’t come naturally to you, but it’s worth doing: your sounds guide me, fuel me and reward me. And that means you get more BJs.
Thirdly: cultivate the skill of giving direction that doesn’t feel like a rejection. I love the process of teaching someone how to get me off, and I love being on the receiving end of those lessons as well. But this requires a careful balance of correction and compassion, and it’s easy to fuck that up.
Never tell me that I’m doing something wrong; show me how to do it right, instead. Never imply that the way you like your dick sucked is the only way, the best way, or the way I should have learned long ago; acknowledge that it’s just the way you like it, so it might take me a while to learn. Encourage me when I do what you want, with pleasure noises, words of affirmation, and physical touch. God, if I could learn everything in my life by having a hot person stroke my hair and call me “good girl” when I got it right, I’d be way better at volleyball and piano and CSS than I am.
Our culture teaches men that their sexual pleasure is a foregone conclusion, that they should be reserved and stoic in bed, and that all women should love giving blowjobs for their own sake. Not all of these beliefs are necessarily evil, but they do add up to a whole lot of men who don’t adequately appreciate, thank and reward the people who blow them. And I know my experience isn’t universal by any means, but when I feel unappreciated and unacknowledged, I feel unsexy. It’s your enthusiasm that will get you laid, and laid well.
This month brought the first time in my life when I actively craved giving a BJ the same way I crave having sexual things done to me. My lips and tongue and throat ached for it, the way my clit can ache for pressure or my cunt can ache for fullness. And it was because the particular person I was fantasizing about is indeed my Ideal Blowjob Recipient. His dick is on-point, sure, but it’s his behavior, his attitude, his whole approach to receiving head that makes me want to drop to my knees in front of him literally whenever he asks.
My mouth-lust for him got so bad that I did something I could have never predicted I’d do. “Hey, I’m sorry if this comes across as totally crass or un-‘chill,'” I wrote to him, “but I can’t stop thinking about going down on you and I’d really like to do it again soon.”
And, what do you know? He took me up on my offer. See? I told you enthusiasm will get you laid.