Each time I’ve dabbled in forms of sex work, like putting on cam shows and selling my used underwear, one of the best things about these endeavors has been connecting with other people doing similar work. I can’t think of a group more passionate, open-hearted, and resourceful than sex workers. They provide crucial services to people who need and want them, despite frequently encountering crushing stigma and legal roadblocks like SESTA/FOSTA. (See the last point on this list for more on that.)
So I’m delighted that I’ve partnered with Escorts & Babes – Sydney Escorts to put together this list of some of the major lessons I’ve learned from genius sex workers in my social spheres. Anyone who says you don’t need skills or smarts to do sex work is fooling themselves.
It gets me so hot when a client trusts me enough to tie him up and have my way with him💦💦💦
— Slutty💔Cherub (@SofiTopaz)
Trust is hot. Sex and kink, in my experience, just seem to get better and hotter the more trust there is between the participants. I imagine it must be hard to establish this trust as quickly and thoroughly as you would need to in a sex work context, which makes it all the more impressive that so many service providers do it on a regular basis. Their work invites me to look at my own sex life and ask: Where could I be more trusting, and how might that improve my experiences? And, inversely, where am I being too trusting, and how can I solve that?
Me: “I know you’re wondering why Mistress is wearing yoga pants today. It’s because I’m going to make you smell my sweaty ass. I know you’re going to love it.”
slave: “PLEASE STOP OR I WILL CUM!”
— MistressCouple (@MistressCouple)
Dirty talk is magic. After all the many, many hours I’ve spent having phone sex and being erotically hypnotized, I’ve come to think of dirty talk (and related sexual oration) as a form of literal magic: like casting a spell in the Hogwarts universe, you say some kind of incantation and it has real, observable effects in the body and brain of the person you’re talking to. Sex workers tend to wield this power better than anyone I know; it’s often a sharpened and well-loved tool in their toolbox, and part and parcel of what keeps their clients coming back. Hearing these stories makes me want to step up my own dirty-talk skills!
Got this idea from another provider…would people be interested if I started charging a reduced rate for disabled clients? 🌈💕
I want to make it easier for ppl who are curious about my services and might not always have access to work/have high medical bills.
— 🌹Zoëy Belle (@ZoeyBelleTO)
Disabled people can be (and often are) sexual too! I can’t believe there are still so many people who don’t understand this, but there you go… While it sucks that our ableist world too often tries to paint disabled people as unsexy and unsexual, I know some who’ve sought sex workers’ services and found them immensely healing and helpful. Obviously it sucks that this route is financially inaccessible for many, and that ableism continues to exist, but I’m glad some disabled folks have the option to pursue sexual touch on their own terms by hiring a sex worker. (Did you know there’s even been a recent push in Australia to get sexual services for disabled folks covered by national disability insurance? I hope the Aussie government comes around on this eventually; it could be a big life-changer for many disabled folks, as well as Australian sex workers, like those at Escorts & Babes – www.escortsandbabes.com.au.)
Don’t be shy during negotiation. I’ve heard it all. Let me have it.
Good dungeons are shame-free, judgment-free spaces. The more information we have about your kink, the better we will be able to facilitate your session. ❤❤❤
— Lady Pim (@TheLadyPim1)
When it comes to kink, more communication is better. I admire the thorough negotiations many sex workers (especially pro dommes) insist on doing before sessions, and I think every sexually active person could benefit from adopting similar practices in their own sex lives. No partner can give you the mind-blowing sex you’ve been dreaming of if they don’t know what gets you hot. Share your likes and your limits – it can only make things better!
There are other reasons why people do BDSM, of course. But I think a desire for an intense psychological intimacy, that’s difficult for people to articulate at all, much less then go find somewhere, unpins them all.
— Mistress Matisse (@mistressmatisse)
Kink can be startlingly intimate. Granted, just like vanilla sex, kink can feel awkwardly distanced, deliciously connective, or anywhere in between. But I find that intimacy and kink tend to go hand-in-hand moreso for me, and I can access depths of connection through kink that I didn’t even know existed back when I thought I was vanilla. I’ve heard from sex worker friends and acquaintances, over and over, that a large part of what their clients are seeking isn’t just sexual gratification but some sense of emotional communion with another human being. That’s what kink feels like to me, when it’s at its best.
here are some easy, and natural, consent check-in ideas:
“do you like that?”
“is this good for you?”
“tell me what you want me to do to you.”
“how does that feel?”
“do you want more?”
“show me where you want it.”— baby lo 🌈🍼 (@milkwebs)
Asking for consent isn’t hard. It’s sex workers’ job to ensure their clients have a good time, so of course they would tend to prioritize consent highly in their transactions. We all should take a leaf out of their book, and weave consent check-ins into the tapestry of our sexual encounters. This doesn’t have to be as unsexy as some people insist – as Lo points out here, there are tons of super hot turns of phrase you can use to make sure your paramour is into what’s happening and wants it to continue. You truly have no excuse.
My favourite clients these days have:
– the ability to take responsibility for the choices they make.
– the ability to reflect on their needs, wants and desires.
– the ability to know when to say no or use a safeword.
– personal maturity.— TheAlchemicalSeductress – Toronto Dominatrix (@ShahrazadTRC)
Knowing what you want is half the battle. This is a major lesson I’ve taken from kink and repeatedly applied to my own life: you can’t progress toward the objects of your desires until you’ve identified what those desires are. Sounds simple, but it’s often deceptively difficult to figure out what your heart is actually calling out for. This type of soul-searching is worth doing, and is one of the initial steps on the path to enduring happiness.
In the US criminalization and stigma remain extreme. SESTA/FOSTA continues to put sex workers’ lives & self-determination at risk. Despite this we’re witnessing a surge in sex worker-led efforts—sex working communities are only growing stronger and louder #SexWorkerPride
— The Las Vegas Sex Worker Collective (@LVSWC)
SESTA/FOSTA is killing people and must be stopped. This is the most important item on this list, so listen up. If you don’t know, SESTA/FOSTA are “anti-trafficking bills,” signed into law in early 2018, that have actually taken aim at sex workers by raiding and shutting down escort listing sites (yes, this is why Craigslist’s personal ads got slashed) and getting tons of adult content banned from various platforms. It will come for us all eventually – and has already started to – but it mainly impacts sex workers, especially those who live and/or work in the USA. You can help by raising awareness about these laws in your networks, donating to sex work advocacy organizations like Red Light Legal and SWOP Behind Bars, contacting your political reps to demand they take action, and supporting sex workers directly by hiring them, buying their content, and giving them money.
What wisdom have you picked up from sex workers in all their industrious brilliance?
This post was sponsored by the folks at Escorts & Babes – Sunshine Coast Escorts. As always, all writing and opinions (except, of course, in quoted tweets) are my own.