At the beginning of 2022, I became acutely aware of how out of touch I’d been with a previous favorite hobby of mine, making music. I’ve always covered other people’s songs a lot but haven’t done nearly as much songwriting in adulthood as I did during my teen years and early twenties, when I would sometimes write multiple songs a month. So I challenged myself to write one song a week in 2022. They don’t have to be great, or even good; they just have to be songs.
As part of the challenge, I’ve been keeping a “songwriting diary” in which I reflect on the process involved in writing each song. Here are January’s songs, including videos, lyrics, and the diary entries I wrote about how they were created. Enjoy!
Song 1/52: “January 1st”
Lyrics:
There’s always a sense, on January 1st
That things will get better or things will get worse
A twist in the plot, a fulcrum for change
If you don’t get better, then you’ll only age
At least that’s what they say
Chorus:
Will I ever chill and be content?
Will I live in the moment, as if I knew what that meant?
Wish I knew what that meant
A list of my goals, as long as my arm
Debatable whether they help or they harm
The future is bleak and scary to ponder
I’d solve all its troubles if my mind wouldn’t wander
(repeat chorus)
It’d be easier to breathe
If dread and doubt stopped hounding me
It’d be easier to live
If something finally had to give
(repeat chorus)
Songwriting diary:
Hey bitch, some things to remember about this songwriting process:
- You wrote the whole thing in less than 30 minutes, after listening to part of an interview with Paul McCartney about songwriting.
- The melody and words of the first part came to you organically and you built from there.
- There were 2-3 moments when you considered stopping/scrapping it because it wasn’t working, but you pushed through and deliberately finished it anyway.
- You’d set out thinking it was a song in E, but you listened to the melodies your voice naturally sang and realized it was in B.
- You used Rhymezone.com, Thesaurus.com, and your voice memo app, but otherwise ignored your phone throughout the process.
(Maybe I should do a little postmortem journal entry like this for all this year’s songs…)
Song 2/52: “Bi Enough”
Lyrics:
Chorus:
Am I bi enough?
What would it mean to be bi enough?
Do I wear enough rainbows? Did I buy enough?
How else can I prove that I’m bi enough?
I met this cute guy
We were hitting it off – he was good in bed
I said, “Hey, I’m bi”
And watched his eyes pop right out of his head
I’m sick of the stereotypes
I’m sick of the biphobic jokes
Don’t you know that jokes are supposed to be funny, folks?
(repeat chorus)
I met this cute gal
We were hitting it off, til it went awry
I told her “I’m bisexual”
She broke my heart, she thought I’d leave her for a guy
I’m sick of the stigma and shame
I’m so sick of being erased
Being a bigot to bi folks is a fucking waste
(repeat chorus)
There might never come a day
When impostor syndrome goes away
So I guess it’s up to me
To be the best bi I can be
Am I bi enough?
Maybe we don’t ask about the “why” enough
Like why I even wonder if I’m bi enough
By the way, if you are bi, you’re bi enough
Songwriting diary:
Had been chatting with my therapist about bisexual impostor syndrome and later had the thought that I should stop doubting my queerness because I am clearly “a gay-ass grown woman,” a phrase that I wrote into a line that actually didn’t even make it into the final song because the different components felt too separate so I wrote a different prechorus instead. (It originally went, “Never cared much about your sex chromosome/ I’m a gay-ass grown woman with impostor syndrome.”)
The melody of the chorus came naturally, like I was hearing it in my head, as these things often do. Verses were similar. I returned to it the day after writing most of it to write the new prechoruses and bridge, which made it much better, I think.
Song 3/52: “Old Friend”
Lyrics:
I still love you, my old friend
I know we said we’d call it quits
Said I’d gotten over you again
I guess my heart is on the fritz
Do you miss my kisses?
And being so much closer?
Do I know what this is?
I’m sorry to say no, sir
If we gave it one more shot
I wonder what we’d find
I still think you’re smart and hot
You haven’t changed my mind
Do you ever think of me
When you’re in bed beside your lady?
Or am I not your cup of tea?
Not a yes, but maybe
I wish I had a magic spell
I wish I had a wand of gold
You warm me up, I wish you well
I always left you cold
Songwriting diary:
Was thinking about how I used to feel, when I was about 23 and in hopeless unrequited love with a friend of mine, which was awful. (Conjuring up old emotional memories is helpful for songwriting when one’s current emotional situation isn’t quite as dramatic.)
I didn’t really like this song that much when I wrote the first draft of it on December 23rd. Set it aside and worked on other stuff instead.
But then on January 13th I had it stuck in my head, listened to it several times, and decided all it needed was for me to 1) rewrite a couple lines of lyrics and 2) nail down the weird-ass melody. I could hear how I wanted it to sound in my head but hadn’t nailed the singing of it. So I practiced the odd interval jumps until I more-or-less had it, and it sounded much better.
Once again, this challenge is teaching me that a big part of writing songs is FINISHING songs – I’ve always been okay at generating initial ideas, but the more difficult and sophisticated process of pushing through doubt, uncertainty, etc. to finish the song is the part I’ve always been less good at, and this challenge is helping me hone that skill especially.
Song 4/52: “Spin the Bottle”
Lyrics:
Spin the bottle, going ’round the circle
Shyness is my burden and my hurdle
When it lands on me
I look around and see who I see:
A boy who sparkles, dressed in royal purple
And he’s got a friendly face
He smells like beer and leather
And I’m feeling out of place
We put our lips together
The voice inside my head
Goes quiet as a whisper
And my only thought instead
Is “Wow, what a good kisser”
Spin the Bottle captures my attention
Its magic can defy my comprehension
When it lands on me
I kiss the first lady I see
Her lips are from a lovelier dimension
And I kiss her through a grin
My senses are elated
And I try to take her in
I’m so intoxicated
Am I doing what I’m s’posed to?
I guess it doesn’t matter
‘Cause this goddess I’m so close to
Her kiss can kill the chatter
Spin the Bottle parties make me nervous
But nervousness is nice when it’s on purpose
Songwriting diary:
A glance through my Facebook “memories” reminded me about these parties I used to go to in my early twenties, where people would play Spin the Bottle and Truth or Dare. It was one of the only instances I’ve ever experienced of “icebreaker games” actually breaking the ice, i.e. functioning as a way for shy wallflowers like me to actually integrate themselves into the social groups present at the party even if we knew absolutely no one when we arrived.
I truly don’t remember how this song was written because I went into a fugue-y flow state as soon as I started. But I came back to it a day or two later to fix up some of the lyrics (“she’s strong, with velvet skin” is on the cutting room floor, among other things, because it sounded awkward in my mouth). Spent a while contemplating whether it needed a bridge, a departure into a totally different mood or style somewhere in the middle, but ultimately I like how it has this plodding rhythm that feels like my hardened heartbeat when my turn is coming up soon in a game of Spin the Bottle.
Song 5/52: “Brave Little Girl”
Lyrics:
Everything is scary now – the streets, the heat, the news
We’re all feeling wary now – the fright is like a bruise
When will our cortisol calm back down?
Will we see peace and accord?
When will we stop feeling broken-down?
Don’t we deserve a reward?
Chorus:
Where’s my treat? I have been a brave little girl!
Strong and sweet – aren’t I a peach? Aren’t I a pearl?
Nose to the grindstone, pedal to the metal
I have got a backbone, I will never settle
Where’s my treat? I have been a brave, brave little girl!
Sorry I ignored your text – it’s next, I swear
It’s just that I’m distracted – it’s not that I don’t care
All my excuses are nothing new
I’m not in the mood for flirtation
We’re getting tired of just getting through
Don’t we deserve compensation?
(repeat chorus)
Imagine a sunny day
I know it seems far away
But hold the thought in your head
Without hope, we’re basically dead
(repeat chorus)
Songwriting diary:
Wrote this based on the prompt “Where’s my treat? I have been a brave little girl!” which was given to me by one of my Instagram followers (not sure if they want to be identified so I have redacted their username here). I had no idea when I wrote this that the phrase is apparently a TikTok meme, but the song definitely fits the vibe that many TikTokers are giving the phrase so I think it works.
I was looking for the natural musicality of the phrase, listening for its natural rhythm, which is an idea I picked up from Jeff Tweedy’s book How to Write One Song. I made a recording of the very first thing I sang, and it was kind of an ideal melody so I built from there.
Took me about 45 minutes to write the rest of it. I listened very hard to the song in my head, which suggested to me the rhythms before I even wrote words for them, as sometimes happens. The key change in the bridge involved listening to the chords in my mind and just figuring out what they were, which was the most time-consuming part of the process.
I never really consciously decided to write about COVID, the current state of the world, etc. but a lot of these songs at least allude to it, because how could they not?