I always feel like a MacGyver-level genius when I repurpose a sex product into something more innocent. It’s like the opposite of a pervertible: what if instead of using your wooden spoon as a spanking implement, you start using a spanking implement as a spoon? (I am kidding. Don’t do this. Although, frankly, it would be a Move.)
Since I’ve been an adult-industry professional for nearly seven years now, my home is full of weird sex stuff. I figure I may as well use it in as many ways as possible!
Sex Pillows
As this website demonstrates, there are zillions of sexual positioning aids on the market. I have several, and I must admit, they don’t get used nearly as often during sex as they do in my non-sexy day-to-day.
Most commonly, I’ll use Liberator shapes as impromptu laptop stands, for when I want to watch Netflix (or, yes, porn) while lying in bed. True, I could set my computer on my IKEA lap desk, which is actually designed for such things and probably causes less overheating than a Liberator product, but it just doesn’t have the right shape to angle my screen the way I prefer when I’m loungin’ in my bed.
Sex pillows also make great regular-ass pillows for bed-centric activities that call for angled back support, like reading, writing, or eating. (If you’ve never eaten in bed, CONGRATS, you’re more virtuous than me and I am a gross monster who sleeps on crumbs!) I rely on my Liberator shapes a lot for this function when I’m sick or depressed and my daily tasks have to get done from bed if they’re gonna get done at all. Pro tip: stack a couple of regular pillows on top of the sex pillow for cushioning, since those things tend to be pretty firm.
Finally, I’ve been using sex pillows for joint support more and more over the past couple years, as my chronic joint pain has gotten steadily worse. On really bad pain days, sometimes a Liberator Wedge under my knees or a Jaz under one ankle is just the thing to ease those twinges enough that I can sleep.
Vibrators
Just about everyone knows you can use vibrators to massage your muscles (or someone else’s). It’s what the famous Magic Wand was originally created for, after all. Whether you’re applying a vibe in deliberate, anatomy-savvy ways to relieve tension, or taking the languid route and just lying on top of your buzzing wand after a long, achy day (BEEN THERE), vibration can be a lovely tool in your self-care toolbox, both inside and outside the sexual arena.
I’ve also been known to use vibes as an anti-congestant: running a strong, rumbly vibrator over your sinuses can sometimes shake loose all that soul-crushing snot.
Along similar lines: some voice coaches recommend incorporating vibrators into your vocal warm-up! It’s thought that vibration helps relax your throat muscles, leading to a fuller, clearer sound and a lower likelihood of fatiguing your cords. Start slow and be gentle, of course – your throat is delicate!
Dildos
Does it sound like a joke if I say I use dildos as paperweights? God, I’m like a caricature of myself, aren’t I… It’s just that sometimes I like to work with the windows open, and then it gets windy, and then all my sex toy spec sheets and hastily-scribbled mid-masturbation notes fly everywhere, which isn’t exactly a productivity-booster. Better to set a dildo on top and avoid that whole mess, n’est-ce pas?
A good heavy dildo made of a firm material – like anything by Njoy, and some of my heftier Fucking Sculptures stuff – can be an excellent massage tool. Sometimes a smooth piece of steel can knead out a knot of tension better than human hands alone. (Obviously, please know your shit if you are going to be messing around with anyone’s spine, including your own.)
Once in a while, I also have occasion to use a dildo in lieu of a rolling pin, pestle, or bludgeon – like when I need to grind some weed and don’t have a grinder on hand, or when I need to “whack” a chocolate orange before opening it and don’t just want to smash it against a wall like some kind of ogre (it’s much more ladylike to bang one’s chocolate with a dildo, don’tcha know!).
If your dildo has a decent suction cup base, you can also affix it to the wall and use it to hang your coat, display your necklaces, and so on. It’s a bold decor choice, to say the least, but I think you can pull it off. (I don’t mean pull it off the wall. That shit’s tricky.)
Lube
Couldn’t possibly write about this subject without addressing LUBE!
The silicone-based kind can be used to grease squeaky doors/wheels/etc., smooth down flyaways, and fix stubborn zippers. I have also found that dabbing a little on the inside of each thigh can help a lot with the dreaded “chub rub,” come summertime.
Body-safe oil-based lubes like The Butters often work well as lip balm, makeup remover, massage oil, and shaving cream. (You could use silicone lube instead for those last two functions, but it’s much more expensive than natural oil-based lubes tend to be, so I wouldn’t recommend it, unless you’re Scrooge McDuck-level rich.)
Naturally, many types of lube work well for not-explicitly-sexual insertions. (KY Jelly and Surgilube are two popular medical lubricants, which can also be used in sexy contexts.) If you’re having a tough time with your menstrual cup, tampon, enema, vaginal dilator, or whatever, try lubing it up.
Finally, here’s a weird one my friend Bex told me about: if you turn on your phone’s flashlight, set it down on your nightstand so the light is shining upward, and then put a clear bottle of lube on top, it turns into a sort of makeshift lamp. I can picture the ad campaign now: Mood lighting by Sliquid…
What are your favorite non-sexual uses of sex products?
This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.