As you might have inferred from the many photos on this blog that feature collars, paddles, cuffs, and so on, I love BDSM accessories so much! They can brighten and broaden your sex life in all sorts of delightful ways.
As someone who often advises folks on upgrading their sex toy collections, I often see the same mistakes being made over and over again. Here are some classic pitfalls to avoid when shopping for new kink toys…
Assuming their partner is on board
I can’t even begin to tell you the number of times I saw customers doing this when I worked at sex shops. They would come in, a wicked smile on their face, and ask for my help picking out a bondage kit, or an electrostimulation toy, or wax-play candles… and when I inquired further, they would reveal that they had not discussed this with their partner, but just thought it’d be fun to surprise them with something spicy.
While there certainly are people who would consent to being surprised in this way, the key word there is consent. You can’t know if your partner has any interest in [x kink] if you’ve never discussed it with them. Chat with your person/people before shopping for new sex toys you plan on using together, so you don’t make them feel pressured when you show up unannounced with a scary implement in your hands – or, even better, involve them in the shopping process directly, so you can make decisions that work for both/all of you.
Not knowing the difference between aesthetic novelties and toys made for rough use
There are a lot of BDSM toys out there, and not all are created equal. Some are made durably enough to withstand even intense scenes between kinksters who play hard, while some would be more suitable for scenes where you’re moreso pretending to be restrained, or spanked, or collared, or whatever – scenes where it’s the idea of the act that matters, not the act itself.
For example, I have several different collars; some are mostly for aesthetics, and would tear or warp if someone tugged on them or attached them to a leash, while some are thick and sturdy enough that I can be yanked around by them without damaging the collar. Pay attention to material, quality of construction, price, and whether the company making the toy specializes in kink gear; these can all be indicators of how it’ll hold up under duress.
Ignoring safety in favor of aesthetics
For instance, while many people fetishize the aesthetic of metal handcuffs, they are actually not considered safe for kink usage. (Or presumably for any other usage. ACAB, forever and ever, amen.) They dig into your wrists, especially if secured too tightly, and can cause bruising, cuts, and even permanent nerve damage. Leather bondage toys are much safer, as are fabric ones.
I have also seen such travesties as spanking paddles with sharp edges, butt plugs with an insufficiently flared base, and gags that would make it nearly impossible to breathe if one’s nose became congested mid-scene. Think about potential safety concerns before you make any purchase, and read articles on safety by BDSM experts if you’re not sure.
Eyes too big for your… whatever
I’ll be the first to admit that I have made this mistake: bought dildos and butt plugs too huge for me to possibly use comfortably, thrown cute but mega-stingy paddles into my cart even though I know I dislike stingy pain, eyed spreader bars despite the knowledge that my legs don’t even spread that wide. It’s a normal human impulse to want to push yourself outside your comfort zone sometimes, but be conscious of which boundaries can be bent and which are actually limits.
If you get a toy home and discover it doesn’t work for you, some shops will let you return or exchange it. If it’s a non-porous product, you may be able to sanitize it and gift it to a friend or partner who’ll be able to make better use of it.
What mistakes have you made while shopping for kink toys?
This post was sponsored by the folks at Tracy’s Dog, who have recently released some new kink toys! As always, all writing and opinions are my own.
Not sure if I have any pictures of me actually being flirted with, but this gleeful face is close enough!
One of the main reasons I’m non-monogamous is that nothing gets me high like flirting. And I say that as someone who does actual drugs on a near-daily basis. 😂
It’s not that flirting can’t or doesn’t happen in long-term relationships – my spouse and I flirt with each other often, and they still make me blush and giggle a LOT even after being together for over four years.
But neurochemically, there is something unique about flirting with someone who hasn’t already declared that they like you enough to be in a relationship with you, or to marry you, or whatever. The phrase “thrill of the chase” comes to mind but I don’t usually think of myself as chasing folks I flirt with; it’s more of a dance. And for me, one of the most fun parts of the dance is the part where you’re pretty sure the person likes you but neither of you have really said as much yet, so there’s a constant frisson of excitement in the air when you’re around them.
Romantic fantasies have been one of my favorite mental dalliances for basically as long as I’ve been alive, and still to this day, they are a coping mechanism for me when I’m dealing with chronic pain, fatigue, demotivation, and other effects of the fibromyalgia and depression I live with. Even when I’m feeling like absolute shit, lying in bed surrounded by pillows, breathing deeply with my eyes closed to try to get through the waves of pain and malaise, I can still picture what it would be like if [x crush] said [x romantic thing] to me – the way they would say it, how their face would look, how I would react – and it reliably makes me feel at least a little bit better.
The following sentences are “daydream porn” for me in this way. Try imagining your biggest unrequited(-so-far) crush saying them to you, in an intimate corner booth of a bar, or at a picnic in the park, or on your living room couch, or wherever. If you start smiling from ear to ear just thinking about it, then maybe you can use these types of fantasies as coping mechanisms during tough times, like I can. (I suppose this post is also a guide for how to flirt with me, but, um… that was not meant to be its initial and primary mission!)
1. “You know that I’m flirting with you, right? Okay, good.”
A few different people have said some version of this to me and it always fills me with glee. I know it can be controversial to talk about flirting in a “meta” way like this, because (for some people) much of the magic of flirting is its uncertainty, its delicate balance of “will they/won’t they?” But since I’m a nervous insecure socially anxious weirdo who spends at least some brainpower during every interaction wondering if the person I’m talking to actually even likes me, it can be incredibly validating to hear from someone’s own mouth that they are indeed flirting with me – that I’m not imagining it, that it isn’t the result of wishful thinking on my part but is actually real.
One time I played some songs at an event, one of which was my song “Addressee,” in which I confess that I often have a hard time interpreting flirtation as flirtation. The boy I was into at the time came up to me after my set, complimented my music, and said, “Just so we’re clear: I am always flirting with you.” It helped me feel safe enough in that dynamic to continue to flirt with him as hard as I had been, and even harder. *chef’s kiss*
2. “I am having a lot of fun flirting with you.”
Along similar lines, this one is lovely because it simultaneously acknowledges that flirting is happening, and affirms that the person is enjoying themselves. (Shout-out to Reid Mihalko, who I think was the first person to introduce me to the idea that meta-communication about flirting while it’s happening can be wildly hot and fun, and also helps clarify consent/comfort or a lack thereof.)
I especially like when this line is thrown out casually as the precursor to something else, so that it feels like a simple descriptor of what is going on, rather than a momentous confession (although, as the below examples will point out, I also find momentous confessions hot; they’re just not always the most socially appropriate thing). Like, for example, sometimes I’ve been talking to someone cute at a party and they’ll say, “Well, I’m having a lot of fun flirting with you, but I need to circulate and say hi to my friends. Can we pick this back up again later?” My cheeks are getting pink just thinking about it!!
3. “I’ve been thinking about you a lot.”
Throw me into a lake; I need to cool off, because this one is HOTTTT.
When I was actively dating, I always felt like this sentence was the early-dates equivalent of an initial “I love you.” It gave me the same level of “🥰 OMG 🥰” feelings every time a new person said it to me. I think this is partly because I am chronically obsessive when I have a crush on someone, always thinking about them a lot (sometimes more than I would like to!), so it felt wonderfully validating to know that I wasn’t the only one in that boat.
This one is also low-key sexy because there is usually an implication that some of those thoughts have been sexual. I often find myself responding “Oh yeah, like what kinds of thoughts?” before I even realize what I’m saying, because I get so curious. It’s a fantastic opener for a saucy convo about all the sex things you want to do to each other, but it can also be chastely romantic, a confession that the person’s feelings for you have become more than just a momentary interest.
4. “I am extremely attracted to you.”
It still baffles me a little whenever people are attracted to me so I guess I just like to hear it in explicit terms so I can be sure I’m not misinterpreting. It’s not necessary because it is often implied by other things they do or say – I mean, if someone kisses me passionately, or bites their lip when they first see me in the dress I wore to our date, then it’s safe to say they are attracted to me – but it’s still nice to get a clear confirmation one way or the other.
This is a little hard to talk about without sounding unfeminist or shallow or something, but I also find that “I’m attracted to you” can land better for me at times than “You’re so smart” or “You’re so funny,” etc., because if I feel like someone’s attraction to me is predicated entirely on me being smart or funny, then I can start to doubt myself a lot if I ever have a weird brain day around them where I’m not able to be as smart or as funny as I normally would be – like, are they gonna lose their boner for me because I didn’t pick up on their obscure pun before I’d had my coffee?! Obviously it’s still lovely to be complimented on my smarts or humor, but when someone admits that they are holistically attracted to me, it makes it a little easier for me to relax into the knowledge that they’ll continue to like me no matter what I do (within reason).
5. “I think you are hilarious and gorgeous and I was wondering if I could take you out sometime.”
As far as I’m concerned, this is the perfect date-ask. I’m not saying no other way of asking me out would get a “yes,” or that no other way would make me feel good. But I do think this is the basic formula of how I’d always like to be asked out.
Complimenting someone in a date-ask is always a good idea, especially if you can compliment them on specific things that 1) you value in them and 2) they value (or ought to value) in themselves. My insecure brain is prone to being like, “Okay, yes, they asked me out, but do they find me ATTRACTIVE?? Do they actually even LIKE ME??” so pre-emptive compliments help me relax and actually believe them. (I have been asked out as a joke before, more than once. It is not fun.)
I like “take you out” because it’s the sort of phrasing most people wouldn’t tend to use unless they were talking about a date. But using the word “date” is also wonderful because it’s clear. I used to literally just sit in my childhood bed picturing different people asking me if they could take me out on a date. Free dopamine. A+.
6. “I can’t stop thinking about how much I’d like to kiss you.”
Truly glad y’all can’t see me right now because writing this post is making me feel so blushy and romantic that I’m actually getting a little dizzy and light-headed!! Anyway, this is the best way to ask someone if you can kiss them, IMO.
I originally picked this up from Dan Savage, who says that “I really wanna kiss you right now” (or touch you, or fuck you, or whatever) is the best non-pushy way to 1) communicate your desire and 2) leave the other person an opportunity to either say yes or redirect the conversation. I like the addition of “I can’t stop thinking about” because it conveys enthusiasm, which (as you may have noticed) is a recurring theme in what I find romantically exciting.
Often, by the time someone says this, they will have already made it pretty clear in their body language – maybe moving closer to you, maybe staring intermittently at your lips throughout the conversation, or biting or licking their own – but it’s still nice to hear it. And if someone signals to me, even in an indirect way like this, that they care about consent and would never make a move without it, that’s super hot and makes me feel much safer around them.
7. “I’m finding myself really wanting to touch you right now. How would you feel about that?”
Replace “touch you” with whatever. I have had doms bring up spanking me in this way; I’ve had vanilla cuties bring up holding hands in this way; it’s just a sweet way of getting permission to break the touch barrier.
I understand that some people find it hot when touch is infused with such urgency and passion that the person doesn’t even ask before kissing you, touching you, etc. but I think that approach requires a high degree of competency with noticing nonverbal cues, “reading the room,” etc. and not everyone has that. I also just personally find a “slow burn” hotter. If someone asks if they can touch me, I’m going to take a moment to ponder their question, likely while picturing what their touch will feel like and what it might lead to. And that’s ultimately going to turn me on far more than if they just grabbed me. But that’s me, baby – talk to your person/people if you want to know how they feel about all this.
8. “I really hope I get to see you again soon.”
All of these, I’m realizing, are really just different ways of saying “I’m very into you and I want you to know that!” What can I say, I know what I like.
I know there is a lot of emphasis on “chill” in the dating world, and certainly, it has its place. You don’t want to burn too hot when the other person is behaving more coldly or ambivalently. But considering how much I fret after a date about whether I was cute enough or witty enough or fun enough, it absolutely makes my day when someone reaches out to say they enjoyed themselves and want to do it again sometime soon.
A slightly more proactive way of saying this – and one that conveys even more interest – would be to add something like, “Are you free next Friday night for [drinks/dinner/a comedy show/whatever]?” but that’s not always the right move, depending on the situation. Like, I wouldn’t necessarily want someone to immediately ask me out on a second date when we’ve barely finished our first one, because I usually like to take some time to process after a first date and figure out how I felt about it before I decide what I want to happen next. But getting that text a day or two after a first date, if we had been chatting via text in the interim, would work excellently for me, and makes me blushy to think about.
What sentences feature prominently in your romantic fantasies?
Like most people who are alive and breathing in 2022, I worry about the environment a lot. And in particular, in recent years I’ve thought more and more about the issue of sustainability in the sex toy industry. Many sex toys come in vastly excessive plastic packaging, are so flimsy or poorly engineered that they’ll end up in a landfill in short order, and/or contain ingredients that could actively harm humans and the environment if they leached into our water (e.g. phthalates). It’s not the most eco-friendly industry, to say the least.
So I was delighted to learn about a relatively new sex toy company called Love Not War, which has put sustainability at the forefront of its mission. Wow!
Art by Charlotte Willcox in collaboration with Love Not War
Here are a few key ways Love Not War is trying to aid the environment and minimize waste while making gorgeous pleasure products:
Interchangeable heads. Once you own one Love Not War toy, you’ve got a base unit that’s compatible with any of the other “heads” they offer. This means, for instance, that you could grab the Miele head for pinpoint clitoral stimulation, the Liebe head for toe-curling G-spot stimulation, and the Koi head for broader stimulation and muscle massage – and all three would be useable with the same base unit. This cuts down enormously on the amount of waste generated by each sex toy purchase, and also gives you more options for pleasure, which is always a good thing!
Recycled and recyclable materials. Love Not War toys are made predominantly of aluminum and FDA-grade silicone. Even the soy ink used on their packaging is recyclable and compostable! No more landfill-clogging plastic clamshells or endless boxes within boxes.
Repairing and recycling. While the company builds their toys to last, they also acknowledge that natural wear and tear can cause a product to break down in the long-term. If your toy stops working right, they’ll do their best to repair it for you – and if they can’t repair it, they will recycle it at their “custom-built, green-powered factory.” Cool!
Planting trees. In partnership with One Tree Planted, Love Not War plants one tree for every purchase made from them. As you may know, trees are beneficial to the air we breathe and the water we drink, and also function as a habitat for innumerable life forms around the world.
Art by Charlotte Wilcox in collaboration with Love Not War
Trees are also central to Love Not War’s latest venture: their limited-edition Valentine’s Day E-cards, designed by UK-based illustrator Charlotte Willcox, which are downloadable for free now. According to Love Not War’s website, about 8,000 trees were cut down to make Valentine’s Day cards in the UK alone last year, so Love Not War is encouraging people to download and send these cute ‘n’ sexy E-cards to loved ones instead. Why not send ’em a sustainable sex toy (and thereby fund the planting of a new tree) while you’re at it?
As part of their Valentine’s Day festivities, right now if you order a Love Not War vibrator, they will throw in an extra head for free! That means you get two sensation options for the price of one, AND they’ll plant a tree in your honor. They’re also offering free shipping to the UK and the USA. Brilliant!
A toy by Love Not War would be a great gift for someone in your life who is passionate about environmentalism and pleasure in equal measure (even if that person is you!). It’s so nice to see companies taking a stand against the rampant sustainability issues in the sex toy industry, and I hope other toy makers will jump onto that bandwagon soon.
This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.
I got my first vibrator when I was 15, which means that as of next year, I’ll have been using vibrators for HALF MY LIFE. And what a blessing they have been!
Vibrators can stir pleasure and elicit orgasms even in people who struggle to get off via other methods. They can be a godsend for people with disabilities, sensitivity issues, low physical stamina, or all of the above. They can, in some cases, circumvent numbness caused by antidepressants or tissue damage. They are, in other words, the sexual technology we need and deserve.
However, it can be hugely daunting to shop for a vibrator, particularly if you’ve never done so before and don’t know what to look for. Here’s a breakdown of some of the most common types of vibes, and the kinds of people who would most enjoy each. Hope this helps!
Someone whose vulva-owning partner has expressed not experiencing much pleasure during penetrative sex and is open to technological solutions to that problem.
Someone who wants a vibe that’s petite and discreet. (Not all clit vibes are, but most are.) For example, if you travel a lot, live with your parents, or just don’t have much space to spare in your nightstand.
Someone who has strong preferences about how their clit should be stimulated: broadly or in a more focused way, on the top or on the side, directly or indirectly, etc. Regardless of your tastes, you can probably find a clit vibe that does what you want it to do.
Someone who already owns one or more dildos that they love, and wants a vibe to use clitorally in conjunction with their dildo(s).
Someone who has vaginismus or other issues that make penetration difficult or impossible, but who still wants to experience sexual pleasure.
Someone who wants to incorporate a vibrator into sex with a partner but suspects (or knows) that their partner would be intimidated/threatened by a larger toy, and would have no interest in unlearning that reaction.
Who should get a wand vibrator?
Someone who knows they need a LOT of stimulation.
Someone who prefers broad stimulation of their bits, rather than more pinpointed stimulation.
Someone who wants to get a vibrator that both they and their partner(s) can enjoy, regardless of gender or anatomy. Wands feel great on vulvas and dicks alike.
Someone who doesn’t plan on using their vibe during face-to-face penetrative sex much. Rear-entry positions are usually more amenable to throwing a huge vibrator into the mix.
Someone who wants their orgasms to be quick and efficient. Of course, it’s not a guarantee – there are no guarantees when it comes to what will prompt an orgasm – but many people describe wands as being the best option when they just want to “hammer one out.”
Someone dealing with genital desensitization due to medication or other factors, who needs strong vibration to blast through the numbness.
Someone who prefers deep stimulation over surface-level stimulation.
Someone who doesn’t want to bother with replacing/recharging their vibrator’s batteries. (Some – not all – wand vibrators plug into the wall, so batteries aren’t a concern. My beloved Magic Wand Rechargeable can be used while plugged in or unplugged.)
Someone who wants a sex toy that can double as a muscle massager. Stress and tension can be real boner-killers, so it’s often nice to begin a sex/masturbation session with some gentle massage of the shoulders and neck, for instance.
Someone who wants to do forced orgasm play. Wands are the generally agreed-upon go-to prop for that type of scene.
Who should get a pressure wave vibrator?
Someone who enjoys the sensations of receiving cunnilingus. No toy can really replicate oral (yet), but many people report that these ones come close.
Someone who has tried other types of vibrators before and found them unimpressive.
Someone who is not easily overstimulated by direct clitoral touch.
Someone who likes a slow build toward orgasm.
Someone who likes sensations that feel almost scarily intense.
Someone who likes to keep up with the latest and greatest technology. This sex toy category is super trendy right now; remember that rose vibrator that went viral on TikTok?!
Who should get a G-spot vibrator?
Someone who loves G-spot pleasure!
Someone who knows they want a vibrator but doesn’t yet know which part(s) of their anatomy they’ll want to stimulate with it. A good G-spot vibrator can be used either internally or externally, giving you a lot of options and room for experimentation.
Someone who likes both internal and external stimulation but can currently only afford one toy. The versatility of a G-spot vibe makes it a good pick for this scenario.
Someone who travels a lot and wants one toy they can take with them that can do a lot of different things (clit stim, G-spot stim, labia stim, even potentially muscle massage if it’s strong enough or anal stim if it has a flared base).
Someone who is curious about the internal clitoris and wants to stimulate it.
Someone who is curious about G-spot orgasms or squirting and wants to see if their body is capable of these phenomena.
Someone who wants a partner to be able to fuck them with a vibrator.
Who should get a dual-stimulation/rabbit vibrator?
Someone who has thought very carefully about what they want and determined that they need a dual-stimulation vibrator. I would not recommend dual-stim toys to anyone who is at all uncertain about what type of vibe they want; it’s a bit like giving someone a kitted-out gaming PC when they just wanted a laptop for scrolling social media sites and watching Netflix. In almost all cases, you’re gonna be better off using a dildo and a vibe (or an internal vibe and an external one) and controlling them separately.
Someone who doesn’t have strong preferences about how they like their clit to be stimulated and where. Dual-stim toys usually have a fixed distance between their internal and external arms, meaning that you may not be able to hit your favorite internal spot and your favorite area of your clit with the same toy – but if you don’t really have a “sweet spot” on your clit, and just enjoy having it touched anywhere, then you might be a good candidate for a dual-stim product.
Someone who is either a lazy masturbator (no shame in that) or who has mobility/strength issues in one or both arms/hands (no shame in that either!). Dual-stim toys usually only require the use of one hand, if that, so they might be a better option for this type of person.
Someone who really loves that one episode of Sex & the City.
Who should get a penis vibrator?
Someone who has a penis and wants to experience vibration on it! Maybe using your hand has gotten boring; maybe you’re just curious.
Someone who has difficulty maintaining or achieving an erection. Some penis vibes are specifically designed to be useable whether you’re hard or flaccid.
Someone whose penis isn’t as sensitive as they wish it was, and who therefore feels they need/want stronger stimulation than most human bodies can provide.
Someone who wants to potentially achieve hands-free penile orgasms, whether due to disability or any other reason.
Someone who would like to give or receive a blowjob featuring added vibration. Some penis vibes leave you enough room that you can use them near the base of the shaft while performing oral sex on the rest of the dick, for an all-enveloping sensation that many people enjoy.
Who should get an anal vibrator?
Someone who loves anal stimulation, of course!
Someone who enjoys experiencing vibration surreptitiously in public places. You can get other types of vibrators that have Bluetooth functionality, but vibrating butt plugs are usually the comfiest ones to wear for extended periods because they’re explicitly designed with that purpose in mind.
Someone who wants to have some kind of partnered anal sex (whether that be with toys, fingers, a strap-on, or a penis) and would like some help warming up for it. Vibrations can assist in relaxing the muscles in that area and making penetration easier.
What’s your favorite type of vibrator? What makes it your fave?
Thanks to the folks at Honeysx for sponsoring this post! As always, all writing and opinions here are my own. Feel free to check out their article, “19 Types Of Vibrators For Your Sex Toys List,” for more info.
Is there any type of sex toy as hotly debated as the realistic dildo?
Okay, yes, almost certainly there is. Moral panics arise perennially about people becoming “dependent” on vibrators, there has been much kerfuffle over whether sex dolls are inherently sexist, and “fisting dildos” often inspire medically-uninformed concerns about people’s holes getting stretched out. (That hypothesis is a myth, folks!)
But if we’re talking about the type of sex toy that is most commonly debated, argued over, and fretted about, obviously the answer has got to be the realistic dildo. Many cis men worry that they won’t be able to “compete” with a partner’s dildo if it’s cocklike, especially if it’s larger than their actual dick. Many lesbians have had their sexual identity questioned or dismissed if they use/like realistic dildos, despite the facts that 1) toys are not necessarily reflective of their users’ real-life desires and attractions, and 2) some women have penises so desiring dicks isn’t inherently un-sapphic at all. Straight men who use realistic dildos may be misidentified as gay or bi, because (again) many people falsely equate choice of toy with sexual orientation. Using a realistic dildo can be a clusterfuck in more ways than one!
Given all this fervent discourse/di(ck)scourse, one might assume that realistic dildos are the only dildos available, but that isn’t the case: many sex toy companies make non-representational dildos, designed to hit those tucked-away erogenous zones or fulfill wild fantasies. Basically, whatever image pops to mind for you when you see the word “dildo,” just be aware that there’s way more out there!
If you’re in the market for a new dildo but having trouble deciding which route to go, fear not – today I’m breaking down the key factors that might lead you to go realistic or non-realistic. Let’s begin this penetrating analysis…
Who should get a realistic dildo?
Someone who fetishizes dicks or just thinks they’re hot. (Hellooo, it me.)
Someone who wants their new strap-on dildo to look like a real dick, whether that’s for gender affirmation reasons or any other reason. I have many trans and nonbinary friends who initially explored their burgeoning Gender Feelings this way, whether or not they were fully aware that’s what they were doing at the time.
Someone who wants a dildo that has the comfortable squishiness/flexibility of a flesh-and-blood dick. Granted, not all realistic dildos have this (and some non-realistic ones do, too), but generally, realistic ones are gonna be toward the squishier end of the spectrum and therefore might be comfier for some folks.
Someone who finds that the shape of a penis works well for their anatomy. The coronal ridge on a cock can feel great on the G-spot or prostate, for example. Non-realistic toys can be stimulating in all sorts of ways, but if you know you really crave that “mushroom head” shape inside you, a realistic dildo is probably the way to go.
Someone who makes porn, does cam shows, etc. While some viewers may want to see you using non-realistic toys, in my experience the vast majority of porn/cam show consumers are cis straight men who want your toys to function as a proxy for their dick. Realistic dildos work well for this, whether you’re kneeling below the camera to shoot a POV blowjob scene, sprawled out on your bed fucking yourself with the toy, or affixing it via suction cup to a wall so you can bounce on it.
Someone who is in a long-distance relationship with a penis-possessing person and wants to be able to take sexy photos/videos with a silicone facsimile of their partner’s cock. (Or, alternatively, someone whose partner is transmasculine and might appreciate some gender-affirming custom porn.) If you like to have Zoom/FaceTime/Skype sex, it can also be nice to use toys that actually resemble parts of your partner’s body, so you feel like you’re physically together. If you can’t find a dildo that approximates your sweetie’s dimensions, ask them to make a Clone-a-Willy for you. It’s basically like copying-and-pasting a penis.
Who should get a non-realistic dildo?
Someone who is squicked out by penises or just doesn’t find them attractive. There’s no shame in admitting this – your sex toys are meant to turn you on, and to make you feel good, not to gross you out! (Unless you’re into being grossed out, that is…)
Someone who is threatened by (or has a partner who is threatened by) the thought of incorporating a penis-like toy into their play, and isn’t interested in interrogating or unlearning that reaction. As a reminder: sex toys are tools, not your competition… but I also understand that a lot of us have so much strife to discuss with our therapists these days (should we be lucky enough to have one) that dildo anxiety may not be at the top of your list at the moment!
Someone who likes to have specific internal erogenous zones stimulated intensely and specifically. Some non-realistic dildos may have, for example, a severe G-spot/P-spot curve, or a tapered tip that slips nicely into the A-spot. When sex educators say, “Some dildos can do things that dicks simply cannot do,” this is generally what we mean.
Someone who likes firm penetration. You can find firm realistic toys, but the body-safe ones tend to be made of silicone, and silicone (like human cocks) can only get so hard. Glass, metal, wood, and ceramic, on the other hand, can fuck you just as firmly as you please.
Someone who fantasizes about mythical creatures or sci-fi characters and wants a toy that mirrors what’s inside their head. Do you dream of getting dicked down by a dragon, rendezvousing with a robot, or being manhandled by a manticore? Chances are, there’s a dildo for that!
Someone who’s interested in temperature play. Materials like metal, glass, and ceramic hold their temperature better and longer than silicone, so generally you’re gonna find better toys for this purpose in the non-realistic category. Pop your toy into a bowl of cool (not ice-cold) or warm (not piping hot) water for a few minutes before playing, and you’ll experience the pleasures of temp play.
Someone who has an appreciation for art and aesthetics. That’s not to say penises can’t be gorgeous (my spouse’s is basically a Rembrandt), but they don’t tend to have the visual pizzazz of an elegant metal dildo or a colorful glass one. Plus you can’t exactly display a veiny dick on your nightstand and call it decor, unless you’re, like, Betty Dodson or Andy Warhol.
Someone who plans to post photos of their dildo on social media. (Look, I don’t know your life.) A lot of social media platforms will remove images that their algorithms flag as containing nudity, even if what’s being depicted is actually a silicone cock and not a flesh-and-blood one. You can even get banned for posting naughty pics like this, although non-realistic dildos tend to slip past the censors’ sensors uncensured.
Who could be happy with either?
Someone who just doesn’t have strong preferences either way, even after reading all of the above info.
Someone who wants to practice being penetrated, whether that’s because they plan to have sex for the first time soon and want to be prepared, or they haven’t had sex in a while and want to make sure it’ll be comfy when it happens, or they’re exploring a hole they haven’t had penetrated much or ever. You can get both realistic and non-realistic dildos in a broad range of sizes; it’s up to you whether you’d rather practice on something realistically cock-like or something smoother and simpler.
Someone who wants to wield a strap-on but has no strong feelings about what their penile prosthesis should look like. If that’s your situation, it might be best to defer to your partner(s) and get whatever they’d most like to be penetrated by. At the very least, you should take their size preferences into account, and ideally pick something that targets their fave internal erogenous zone.
Someone who intends to build a wide-ranging sex toy collection over time. You gotta start somewhere!
Do you have a preference for one type of dildo over the other? Why do you think that is?
Thanks to the folks at Honeysx for sponsoring this post! Check out their informational article, “Dildos 101: Everything You Know About Dildos,” for more details. As always, all writing and opinions here are my own.
