Musings

“A Song A Week” Challenge: Monthly Recap 2 of 12

Kate Sloan

Song 6/52: “The Museum”

Lyrics:

Special treasures, secret pleasures
For the knowing, patient eye
Look at that painting of a woman fainting
Look at that print of a pie in the sky

Halls that echo – spacious, lavish, wide
Every oeuvre curated inside

I love to visit the museum
If there’s new works, let me see ’em
The Met and the Frick and the AGO
Wear some flat shoes and away we’ll go
Colosseum, mausoleum, you can keep ’em
My muse is amused by the museum

Old collections, introspections
Forced to face the world that was
Clear glass cases, databases
Peacefulest of spots because

Each exhibit has its own mystique
Is that sculpture Roman, French, or Greek?

I love to visit the museum
If there’s new works, let me see ’em
The Louvre, the Tate and the Guggenheim
There are way worse ways to spend some time
Colosseum, mausoleum, you can keep ’em
My muse is amused by the museum

I’d be remiss not to mention
The ideological tension:
You can’t claim to care about history
While stealing from other societies
Have you ever looked at your work through the prism
Of white patriarchal colonialism?
Now give back the gold or we riot
If you don’t believe me, then try it

I love to visit the museum
If there’s new works, let me see ’em
Some of these artists did not get paid
Did not get to access the fortunes they made
‘Cause you steal ’em, wheel and deal ’em
Now, return them
Or somebody may need to burn them

 

Songwriting diary:

I had been reading about this weekly songwriting game/challenge that Austin singer/songwriter Bob Schneider created, in which he sends out a song prompt via email to some musician friends each week and they all write something. I felt inspired by this and picked up the Oliver Sacks book I’m reading, in the hopes that I would come across a phrase that had an inherent musicality like Jeff Tweedy talks about in his book How to Write One Song. I literally hadn’t even read an entire page before I got to this linguistic gem, in a piece about his love for museums: “special treasures, secret pleasures, for the knowing, patient eye.”

I did go to the Met with my friend Steph a few months ago and did recently read a book on the Sackler family so I had some thoughts and feelings on museums to pull from. But mostly I just listened to words in my head, and dug through Thesaurus.com and Rhymezone.com to find the perfect words for each convoluted rhyme.

Initially I was only writing lyrics, assuming I might make them into something else down the line. I sat thoughtfully in my chair and crafted lyrics to a meter I was inventing but trying to stick to. I knew I wanted to at least acknowledge the shady practices (to say the least) of many museums, but didn’t decide in advance that the whole song would take a sharp left turn at the bridge.

Picked up my uke when the lyrics were done, just to see if anything would happen, and of course it did. I had smoked some weed beforehand which I think made my brain make more creative connections and focus more on puzzle-like wordplay, and also made the whole writing process feel playful and fun.

Song 7/52: “Subtweet”

Lyrics:

Nice clean hit of dopamine
My favorite neurotransmitter
It’s probably a bit of a problem
That all of my crushes are people I follow on Twitter

Craft that joke and send it out
Hoping to make you smile
I could be more direct, I guess
But I don’t think that’s really my style

Yes, this is a subtweet
If you know, you know
Who knows if we’ll ever even meet
Or if we’ll get ratio’ed

It’s hard not to stare at my phone
When everyone sexy is in it
It’s tough to tame the craving
It won’t leave me alone for a minute

Friendly reminder that I am available
I’m not a tease on the timeline
But my small talk is not sensational
You say “What’s up?” I say “I’m fine”

Yes, this is a subtweet
If you know, you know
I would slam that retweet
If you told me so

You’re in my DMs
But are we just friends?
Is it so unusual to swoon over your mutual?
Is the feeling mutual?
Or am I delusional?

Yes, this is a subtweet
If you know, you know
If you said we must meet
I could not say no

 

Songwriting diary:

I was idly thinking about my various Twitter crushes while trying to improvise the start of a song. Initially the lyrics contained way more Twitter jokes, but I felt like they’d get dated fast, so I cut most of them. “Friendly reminder…” is still in there, though, because it makes me laugh.

The song was originally in the keys of A♭ and F#, which are both wacky keys for the ukulele (all barre chords all the time!) so I was finding my hand would cramp up painfully by the bridge. Shifted it up one semitone so I could actually play it and it’s much better now.

The lyrics required multiple edits, large and small, after the initial writing session. (The first part of the second verse was originally totally different: “Wish I could call you in out of the cold/ Come over for Netflix & chill/ You laugh at my jokes and you make me feel bold/ In this essay I will…”) I am a more disciplined writer now than I used to be, so I no longer feel married to every song’s first set of lyrics and am more able to shift stuff around, cut things and make changes. But there is still a period of time after which the song feels “set” and it becomes much more difficult to change anything.

Song 8/52: “Can’t Stop”

Lyrics:

Wish I could focus on anything other than you
But baby, it’s clear that my brain won’t allow me to
Needless to mention, all my attention is split
The thoughts are invasive, and very persuasive, I admit

I can’t stop thinking about you
You cast a spell – now free me from it
I can’t stop thinking about you
I don’t know how, but I know I’ll overcome it

Meeting my deadlines, but barely – it’s happened all week
I feel like a failure, I feel like a certified freak
I turned off my phone and hid it inside of a drawer
But who could have known that it would just make me want more?

I can’t stop thinking about you
You cast a spell – now free me from it
I can’t stop thinking about you
I don’t know how, but I know I’ll overcome it
I can’t stop thinking about you
I don’t know why, but my mind won’t let you go
I can’t stop thinking about you
I can’t stop, I can’t stop

Every memory, every interaction
Has a reaction and fuels my attraction
I can’t take my eyes off your smirk
And I hope I don’t sound like a jerk
But I need to get back to my life and back to my work

I can’t stop thinking about you
You cast a spell – now free me from it
I can’t stop thinking about you
I don’t know how, but I know I’ll overcome it
I can’t stop thinking about you
I don’t know why, but my mind won’t let you go
I can’t stop thinking about you
It’s just too bad that I’ll never ever let you know

 

Songwriting diary:

One of the most satisfying parts of this challenge so far has been returning to my initial drafts of song lyrics, hours or days after writing them, to edit them, sometimes ruthlessly. I’ll cut or change anything that I just can’t make sound natural in my voice, or anything that catches my ear wrong every time I hear it in the demo, or anything that I’m at all morally or aesthetically uncertain about. I’ll stare into space (and at the Rhymezone and Thesaurus apps) until I come up with a better line. I’ll rebuild the mediocre parts around the parts I think are working, the parts that made me want to bother finishing the song.

This one reminds me of songs I used to “write” by singing into a tape recorder when I was a kid, in that I didn’t play any instruments yet so the style and feel of the songs I heard in my head were not constrained by the medium in which I performed them – so I would write songs that I “heard” internally as being punk, or orchestral, or expansively 1970s, or whatever. Similarly, this song I heard as a big, spaciously-produced, glimmering pop song, the likes of which someone like Carly Rae Jepsen might do.

Song 9/52: “Oh Robin”

Lyrics:

Oh Robin
How we miss your smile
It’s been a little while
How have you been? I wish I knew

Oh Robin
You always made us laugh
The world just isn’t half as fun these days
Not without you

I think of you a lot
Especially when I watch your movies
I think of what we lost
I think of all you made that moves me

Oh Robin
They say that you were sicker than we knew
Oh Robin
I know we never knew the real you

But we saw you from the crowd
Your legacy of love and laughter
I hope you’re in the clouds
Laughing in the great hereafter

Oh Robin
You had a spark of madness in your mind
Oh Robin
I hope you feel the love you left behind

We knew you as a star
A jester and a genie and a nanny
I don’t know where you are
But anyway, I really hope you’re happy

Oh Robin

 

Songwriting diary:

Had been messing around with this chord progression for a few days, and one day I just started randomly singing about Robin Williams over it. A bunch of different Robin-related things had happened that got me thinking about him (although, frankly, I think about him fairly often anyway). Matt and I watched Awakenings together, which I’ve seen many times but they hadn’t seen before; I’d been reading yet another Oliver Sacks books and wanted to revisit the movie they made from some of his case studies. Robin is absolutely wonderful in that movie. I also saw on Twitter, a day or two later, that there had been some hubbub when some guy posted a photo of Robin with a quote pasted over it that wasn’t something Robin had actually said, and his daughter Zelda jumped in to say that that wasn’t cool and that people have co-opted her dad’s likeness and message for their own purposes.

I wanted to write a song about Robin but didn’t want to do the very thing that Zelda was denouncing. So I focused on my own feelings about him. Initially the third verse contained an anecdote about the time my mom interviewed Robin for work while she was pregnant with me (“Oh Robin / Before I was born, you met my mum / You touched her pregnant belly / She asked you for advice; you gave her some“). I ended up returning to the lyrics the following day to edit them, and replaced that section with more general/hopefully relatable sentiments.

A lot of the writing process was improvisational and based on what I was hearing in my head, as per usual lately. The chord progression is a bit 1960s – it reminds me of some Sam Cooke and Beatles songs I learned back in the day – and has this circular/cyclical vibe that feels like a life cycle to me. I’ve noticed that when I write a song (or part of a song) that’s legitimately good, it’ll get stuck in my head intractably for hours or days; my brain keeps working on the puzzle of it, even when I’m not consciously focusing on it. Often I’ll have “solved” the part that was bugging me by the next day, seemingly through this subconscious processing.

The line about a “spark of madness” is a reference to my favorite quote of Robin’s: “You’ve got to be crazy; it’s too late to be sane… because you’re only given a little spark of madness, and if you lose that, you’re nothing.” I figured it made sense to quote him directly, both because Zelda said that’s what he would have wanted and because that’s just such a great fucking quote. I’ve always related to it, as someone who has struggled with mental illness but has nonetheless managed to routinely channel those struggles into creativity.

Sexual Technique vs. Sexual Attitude: What Matters More?

Kate Sloan
Truly did not know what photo to pair with this piece so here is an old one of me doing a cunnilingus face.

I spend a lot of time on the Sex forum on Reddit, so I read a lot of posts from frustrated virgins who are afraid that they’ll never get laid. One of their more pervasive fears is that it will be immediately obvious to their first partner that they are a virgin, because of their unpolished technique. They live in terror of being humiliated by a partner who judges them for their abilities or lack thereof.

I have been there myself. While struggling with a prohibitive fear of giving blowjobs at the age of 18, I sincerely worried I would never get into a healthy, happy relationship, because I was mostly attracted to cis men romantically but had no idea what to do with their junk, which I assumed would be a dealbreaker for almost all of them. I imagine this fear is even more pronounced for men with little experience, since our culture too often paints heterosexual sex as men’s responsibility to manage from start to finish, whereas it’s considered more acceptable for women to lie back and have things done to them. (I’m not saying that’s how it should be, but for many people, it’s how it is.) It’s no wonder that these men are so terrified of having poor sexual technique; they’ve been told that their skill level will be the main deciding factor for whether the sex they have is good or not, both for themselves and for their partner(s).

The advice I always give these guys is some version of the following: your attitude matters way more than your technique, and your attitude is what will actually allow you to develop good technique. What should your attitude be, going into a first-time sexual encounter (or, frankly, any sexual encounter)? I think it should be centered around the desire to listen to your partner, pay attention to their reactions, communicate, explore, experiment, and have fun. And you do not have to be some kind of sex god to do any of that. You just have to be attentive and enthusiastic, and you have to care. I already know that these guys are all of those things, because they care enough about sex and have enough enthusiasm about it to wonder how to get good at it, and they’re (usually) attentive to the answers they receive on their posts. The part that they’re missing is the “relax and have fun” part, but that gets easier with time.

Technique-wise, there is definitely a lot you can learn before you ever have sex with another person. You can read articles online about the clitoris, the G-spot, or whatever other parts you’re interested in pleasing. You can study anatomical diagrams like you’re memorizing a map before a road trip. You can read books on sexual technique, like She Comes First and Becoming Cliterate. You can check out instructional websites that focus on sexual technique, like OMGYes or https://www.thepleasurekeys.com. You can practice on your own body, because even if you have different anatomy from the people you’re predominantly attracted to, genitals are all analogous to one another and share plenty of commonalities.

It’s crucial to remember, though, that all the technique-based knowledge in the world is no substitute for asking your partner what they like. Few things frustrate me more than men who keep doing a thing I’ve repeatedly told them doesn’t feel good for me, because their ex-girlfriend liked it, or they read about it in a magazine or something. While it’s always possible that you could introduce someone to sensations they never knew their body could feel, generally your partner will be the world’s leading authority on what feels good for them and what gets them off. To ignore their feedback is to ignore the most useful sexual advice you’ll ever receive.

Given the choice between a partner with well-practiced sexual technique but a shitty attitude, or a partner with an excellently open-minded attitude but no technique to speak of, I would choose the partner with the good attitude almost every time. (I say “almost” because hey, we all make choices that aren’t in our best interest sometimes!) If someone is communicative, kind, generous, attentive, and enthusiastic, you can pretty much teach them whatever sexual skills you want them to learn. It may take practice before they get the hang of it – it usually does – but once they figure it out, they will be leaps and bounds ahead of that douchebag who claims to be a killer cunnilinguist but actually just keeps doing that tongue-flicky thing you told them you hate.

So if you’re reading this and feeling inadequate because you lack sexual experience, just know that your attitude will take you farther than anything else. I’d much rather the face between my legs be looking up at me with cheerful curiosity than with smug certainty. That way, we can discover new pleasures together.

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: SnailVibe

Kate Sloan

I was recently tasked with writing an article about the best rabbit vibrators on the market. As per my usual process for such articles, I dug deep into the annals of my own memory to find this information, as well as interviewing several experts in the field: sex toy reviewers, sex educators, and so on.

I did six interviews for this piece, and when asked what rabbit vibes they would recommend, almost every interviewee said some version of the same thing: “I know the We-Vibe Nova 2 is good. Can’t really think of too many others.” This was, unfortunately, the exact same opinion I myself had held before I began the research process for the piece.

My wonderful interviewees were able to give me useful recommendations, and I do think that that article covers the cream of the crop when it comes to rabbit vibes, a notoriously difficult category of toy to execute well. But it really is true: the We-Vibe Nova 2 is one of the best rabbit vibrators released in the last 5 years, if not more, for one major reason. It maintains firm contact with your clit even when you thrust with it.

There are other reasons too – it has a great motor, many settings, a travel-lock function, is rechargeable, is made by a reputable company, etc. But I think the main thing the Nova got right was its approach to clit contact, and the new-ish SnailVibe is astounding for exactly the same reason.

 

What is the SnailVibe & how do you use it?

The SnailVibe is a dual-stimulation vibrator, i.e. a vibrator that offers vaginal penetration and simultaneous clitoral stimulation. (One could also, theoretically, use it for anal penetration, with the external portion stimulating the perineum.)

What sets the SnailVibe apart from all other dual-stim vibes is its spiral-shaped external portion, which is designed to roll/furl and unfurl every time you thrust the internal portion in and out. The spiral offers enough resistance that it remains firmly in contact with the clit (or at least, my clit) for the entire thrust.

I cannot overstate how important clitoral pleasure is to many vulva-havers’ sexual response, and to my own. The clitoris is the anatomical pleasure equivalent of the penis, so for many of us, it is absolutely central, potentially much moreso than penetration. It always baffled me that so many toy companies seemed to put all their resources and inventiveness into bells and whistles on the penetrative parts of rabbit vibes – rotating beads, come-hither stroking, and so on – while assuming a pair of flimsy rabbit ears would be enough in the clitoral stimulation department. The SnailVibe seems, comparatively, much more focused on clit pleasure, and I appreciate it.

 

via GIPHY

How does it feel?

The SnailVibe has two motors and both of them are excellent. I don’t even have that much to say about them because they’re just… satisfyingly good, at the level one would hope and expect from a vibrator at this price point ($150 USD or about $200 CAD). I will say, there are some surprisingly huge jumps between vibration speeds, which are sometimes jarring, but mostly it doesn’t bother me that much.

The toy is designed such that the clitoral portion not only remains in contact with the clit during each thrust, but maintains pretty firm pressure on it. So if you’re not a fan of clitoral pressure, this might not be the toy for you – maybe the fluttery ears on standard rabbit vibes are more your speed.

Another sex toy reviewer, Felicity of Phallophile Reviews, disliked the SnailVibe intensely because its penetrative shaft is long, straight, and rigid. This is one of the key qualities that could make a user either love or hate this toy. If you want intense G-spot stimulation, it’s true that this is not the right toy for the job. But if you tend to enjoy thrusting for how it stimulates your vaginal walls more generally, and/or if you like deep, firm penetration that strokes your anterior fornix or posterior fornix, I think you’re likelier to appreciate this toy.

The shaft is also pretty long – 8 inches insertable – which could be off-putting for some folks, but I don’t think it has to be. You don’t have to use the full length of a sex toy in order to use it at all, and this vibe is designed such that you’ll get clitoral contact if you insert the vibe as shallowly as 2 inches inside you.

The buttons that control this toy are intuitively-placed, IMO, and thus great for finding and using in the heat of the moment. You can control the internal and external motor separately, and set each to any of several steady vibration modes and patterns at any time.

 

Drawbacks & things to keep in mind

YOU HAVE TO PUT LUBE ON THE EXTERNAL PART. If you found this review while idly googling the sex toy you just bought, I hope this is the main thing you take away from this review. PUT LUBE ON THE EXTERNAL PART.

The external part doesn’t just sit there statically; it spins/rotates against your clit, so if it’s unlubed, it’ll just scrape over the area uncomfortably. This toy literally feels completely different when the external part is lubed. It’s non-negotiable as far as I’m concerned. (Don’t forget to add some additional moisture to reactivate your lube every so often if you’re using a water-based one.)

I find that thrusting with this toy is the only way I can get myself off with it. Its straight shaft and firm clit stimulator don’t quite do enough to get me there without additional motion. If you want a rabbit vibe you can use without needing to move it or hold it, I’d suggest a rabbit that thrusts or strokes the G-spot.

 

Final thoughts

I’m not generally a huge fan of dual-stimulation toys, but I have to say that the SnailVibe is in the top 3 I’ve ever tried in terms of sensation (the others being, I think, the We-Vibe Nova 2 and the CalEx silicone jack rabbit). It’s rumbly as hell, feels lovely when thrusted, and gets me off easily every time. It’s also entirely unique and hella cute-looking.

It won’t work for everyone – you gotta like (or be okay with) firm clitoral pressure, thrusting, and rigid penetration that targets spots deeper than the G-spot – but there is no vibrator that would work for everyone, and that’s like 10 times as true when it comes to rabbit vibes. I’m glad to have found another one that works for me, even though it looks like a damn snail.

 

Thanks to the folks at Lovers for sending me the SnailVibe to review!

Let’s Talk About Jeans Bondage

Kate Sloan
These Madewell jeans are the tightest ones I own, to the point that a man once shouted “Those pants are too tight” at me while I was wearing them on the street.

I got an unusual request in my inbox a few weeks ago. A reader wanted to pay me to write about her fetish.

The few times that this has happened to me before, usually it’s been because the person essentially wanted custom erotica. But this was different – this person said she wanted me to write something she could link to as a reference as needed, because there was hardly any information on the internet about her particular kink. I was intrigued.

What was the kink? JEANS BONDAGE. I know, I know, you’ve got questions. Well, lucky for you, I’ve got answers. I interviewed this reader of mine via email about how she does what she does. Buckle up! (Or button up, as the case may be…)

 

What is jeans bondage?

When I heard this phrase, initially I pictured someone being tied down using jeans as rope… but that’s not what my reader meant. She explained that when she says “jeans bondage,” what she means is wearing very tight jeans (or being forced to wear very tight jeans) to induce a feeling of helplessness and restricted movement, as with any other form of bondage.

In my reader’s case specifically, she is most often the dominant person in her relationship with her husband, so she is mostly the person consensually “forcing” him to wear tight jeans for her pleasure, although they do occasionally switch.

She relayed to me that this kink originally started for them because she’d always loved the way her husband looks in skinny jeans. (As someone whose spouse looks terrific in skinny jeans, I can relate.) Eventually she began commanding him to wear his jeans around the house sometimes, for her pleasure – and then he started also wearing tight jeans to bed and even overnight at her behest, as they both liked the texture of denim against their skin as they cuddled and slept. From there, it developed into a kink that they enjoy playing with together.

 

What do you do once the jeans are on?

Theoretically you could do pretty much anything that does not involve having access to the jeans-wearer’s bare lower half. Whatever your favorite kinks are, you can probably do them while wearing tight jeans.

But also, my reader told me that she and her husband like to have sex while he’s in his jeans. And not just sex acts that would be possible either way, like him giving oral, but penetrative intercourse. I asked her how she managed this and she said that usually they pull the jeans down just far enough that his penis becomes accessible, and do it that way. She mentioned, too, that her husband’s erections are stronger and last longer when he’s wearing tight jeans; I imagine that this might have to do with the restriction around the area, particularly when the jeans are tugged down to just below his penis, where they might have a slightly constrictive effect on the base of the penis, similar to a cock ring.

There is potentially significant overlap between jeans bondage and chastity play. My reader told me that she and her husband incorporate sex into jeans bondage in two main ways: either no sexual stimulation is allowed until the jeans are at least partly removed (which is only done with the dom’s permission), or the jeans must be put back on immediately after sex is over. Tight jeans can act as a makeshift chastity cage of sorts – or, if you’re actually wearing a chastity cage, tight jeans make that somewhat obvious, which could be fun for erotic humiliation purposes.

 

Is any special equipment required?

Nope, aside from the jeans themselves! My reader told me that she and her husband each own about 12 different pairs of jeans, and that their criteria for “bondage jeans” are different than their criteria for “regular jeans.” She told me they usually buy at least a size tighter than they normally would when shopping with jeans bondage in mind, because the main goal is to restrict movement, especially bending of the knees.

I asked her if the two of them had specific jeans preferences beyond sizing, and she said that they prefer jeans made of denim that is as inflexible as possible. Levi’s and Wranglers are some of her faves. I wonder if something even more rigid, like raw Japanese denim, would be even better.

You’re welcome for these photos, btw.

Are there safety issues to consider?

There’s the basic stuff you’d consider when shopping for jeans in general. Does the material irritate your skin? Is it so tight that it cuts off circulation? Obviously these issues are best avoided if possible. Same as with any other type of bondage, you want something tight enough to give you the desired effect, arousal-wise, but not so tight as to cause medical issues, even when worn for many hours at a time. If you do feel any telltale tingling or other signs of something gone awry, take the jeans off immediately – and keep some safety shears nearby incase you ever have any trouble removing the jeans and need to take them off in a hurry.

My reader also noted that her husband tends to prefer jeans with a button fly over those with a zipper, because when wearing jeans sans underwear (as he does most often during this type of play), it’s easier to accidentally injure your penis with a zipper than with buttons. Good to know!

I’ll also say, I could see it becoming a health risk if someone with a vulva was wearing very tight jeans for extended periods of time without taking them off, changing them, or at least rinsing the genital area. Sounds like a recipe for some kind of infection. With regards to hygiene concerns more generally, my reader told me that her husband generally showers the morning after a play session and then changes into a fresh pair of jeans if they plan to continue playing.

 

What are the benefits and drawbacks of this type of bondage over other types?

Well, for one thing, you probably already own a pair of jeans, or can pick one up cheaply at a thrift store or fast-fashion shop (or even at a fetishy used-clothing site like All things worn). In that way, this kink is fairly low-cost to play with.

I imagine that folks doing jeans bondage often enough would have to do a lot of laundry on a regular basis. My reader told me that her husband does sometimes come in his jeans as part of their play, and that sometimes she even demands he wear his cum-soaked jeans overnight to emphasize the consensual discomfort (hot, tbh!), but that he always gets to change into a new pair after showering the next morning.

This is a potentially more directly sexually stimulating type of bondage than lots of other kinds, especially for folks with penises. My reader explained that the constant pressure/tightness/friction of jeans against her husband’s junk is a fun way that they play with edging and teasing together.

Not everyone can physically wear tight jeans, and there are also people who may not want to wear jeans because of how it interacts with their sensory issues or similar. Some folks could also potentially struggle with jeans for gender reasons, in which case they might prefer to do this type of play with tight leggings, a corset, or any other restrictive garment that feels gender-affirming.

 

Is there porn that depicts this kink?

My reader told me that she hasn’t been able to find much of anything about it. Indie porn creators, maybe there’s a niche to be filled here! (I will also add that, for pretty much any niche fetish, the best way to get the porn of your dreams is to pay a content creator to make a custom clip just for you.)

In the past, I have sometimes seen “jeans fetish” videos that depicted people looking hot in jeans, often tight jeans, but this seemed to be more about fetishization of the clothing than the restriction it provides. I’ve also seen people wear jeans in porn focused on omorashi (a fetish for seeing people wet themselves or deal with the discomfort of having a full bladder), but, again, that’s not quite the same thing as jeans bondage.

If you know of any niche content focusing on this kink, feel free to link to it in the comments or email me about it!

 

If you want to try jeans bondage for the first time, what do you need to know? (Aside from everything else I’ve written above, that is!)

When I asked my reader this question, knowing that folks might read this post and get curious, there were a few main points she wanted to emphasize.

First of all, she feels it’s crucial that if you’re the dom in a jeans bondage scenario, you must compliment your sub profusely and frequently on how good they look in jeans, how sexy you find them in jeans, etc. This, she said, makes it easier for them to endure the discomfort of wearing tight jeans for extended periods. I totally agree, and this is a piece of advice I give often on my podcast and blog: if you want your partner to do something more often, you gotta compliment them when they do it well (or, in some cases, do it at all).

She advised that beginners “start small,” by initially using jeans that aren’t super tight, and working your way up from there if you want to. Again, really solid advice for any kink – jumping straight into the deep end is usually a bad idea, not least because it can scare you off something you otherwise might have learned to enjoy greatly.

She suggested that you agree in advance on how long the jeans will remain on before being removed, so that the parameters will be clear to both/all participants. My reader noted that she and her husband don’t use safewords but instead just decide the duration of their scene in advance, e.g. you can take the jeans off when the alarm rings in the morning. Personally I am always in favor of having safewords in place, but if you eroticize playing without safewords, please please please watch this video from Princess Kelley May about how to play without safewords in the safest ways possible.

 

Have you ever done (or thought about doing) anything like jeans bondage? What did you think?

 

As I mentioned, this post was sponsored, meaning that I was paid to write it. All writing and opinions are my own, except where I’m quoting or paraphrasing the reader who inspired this post, naturally.

4 Mistakes People Make When Buying BDSM Toys

Kate Sloan

As you might have inferred from the many photos on this blog that feature collars, paddles, cuffs, and so on, I love BDSM accessories so much! They can brighten and broaden your sex life in all sorts of delightful ways.

As someone who often advises folks on upgrading their sex toy collections, I often see the same mistakes being made over and over again. Here are some classic pitfalls to avoid when shopping for new kink toys…

 

Assuming their partner is on board

I can’t even begin to tell you the number of times I saw customers doing this when I worked at sex shops. They would come in, a wicked smile on their face, and ask for my help picking out a bondage kit, or an electrostimulation toy, or wax-play candles… and when I inquired further, they would reveal that they had not discussed this with their partner, but just thought it’d be fun to surprise them with something spicy.

While there certainly are people who would consent to being surprised in this way, the key word there is consent. You can’t know if your partner has any interest in [x kink] if you’ve never discussed it with them. Chat with your person/people before shopping for new sex toys you plan on using together, so you don’t make them feel pressured when you show up unannounced with a scary implement in your hands – or, even better, involve them in the shopping process directly, so you can make decisions that work for both/all of you.

 

Not knowing the difference between aesthetic novelties and toys made for rough use

There are a lot of BDSM toys out there, and not all are created equal. Some are made durably enough to withstand even intense scenes between kinksters who play hard, while some would be more suitable for scenes where you’re moreso pretending to be restrained, or spanked, or collared, or whatever – scenes where it’s the idea of the act that matters, not the act itself.

For example, I have several different collars; some are mostly for aesthetics, and would tear or warp if someone tugged on them or attached them to a leash, while some are thick and sturdy enough that I can be yanked around by them without damaging the collar. Pay attention to material, quality of construction, price, and whether the company making the toy specializes in kink gear; these can all be indicators of how it’ll hold up under duress.

 

Ignoring safety in favor of aesthetics

For instance, while many people fetishize the aesthetic of metal handcuffs, they are actually not considered safe for kink usage. (Or presumably for any other usage. ACAB, forever and ever, amen.) They dig into your wrists, especially if secured too tightly, and can cause bruising, cuts, and even permanent nerve damage. Leather bondage toys are much safer, as are fabric ones.

I have also seen such travesties as spanking paddles with sharp edges, butt plugs with an insufficiently flared base, and gags that would make it nearly impossible to breathe if one’s nose became congested mid-scene. Think about potential safety concerns before you make any purchase, and read articles on safety by BDSM experts if you’re not sure.

 

Eyes too big for your… whatever

I’ll be the first to admit that I have made this mistake: bought dildos and butt plugs too huge for me to possibly use comfortably, thrown cute but mega-stingy paddles into my cart even though I know I dislike stingy pain, eyed spreader bars despite the knowledge that my legs don’t even spread that wide. It’s a normal human impulse to want to push yourself outside your comfort zone sometimes, but be conscious of which boundaries can be bent and which are actually limits.

If you get a toy home and discover it doesn’t work for you, some shops will let you return or exchange it. If it’s a non-porous product, you may be able to sanitize it and gift it to a friend or partner who’ll be able to make better use of it.

 

What mistakes have you made while shopping for kink toys?

 

This post was sponsored by the folks at Tracy’s Dog, who have recently released some new kink toys! As always, all writing and opinions are my own.