I have the greatest respect for webcam performers, in part because I have done small and infrequent versions of what they do, and have found it to be almost insurmountably difficult for me (as I think it would be for many people). Here are just some of the numerous reasons I wasn’t cut out for this type of work, though I admire it deeply…
It takes me a while to come and I don’t enjoy faking orgasms. There was a constant tension, in my camming days, between what my clients wanted to see and what I was physically capable of showing them. When someone would book a 15-minute session and say they wanted to see me come, I got tense immediately because I knew it likely wasn’t possible. Either I’d have to get myself very close to orgasm in advance of the session (which was time for which I should’ve been, but wasn’t being, paid), or I’d have to fake an orgasm.
Of course, a third option would be to just tell the client that there was no way I could get myself off in that amount of time, especially in a way that was picturesque (i.e. not just holding a Magic Wand against my clit for 15 minutes), but sometimes this was perceived as cash-grubbing. Sigh.
I’m not an exhibitionist. Like, at all. This became pretty clear to me after my first few cam sessions. I had heard friends and colleagues of mine discussing the unique sexual rush of performing for an audience, and aside from a brief glow of pride whenever someone complimented my body, I never really felt that. It just felt like work, because, well, it was. But I’d been hoping I’d enjoy it more than I did. Ah well, diff’rent strokes…
The amount of work it involves is gigantic, and I have limited energy. Back when I thought I might take camming seriously and try to make it into one of my income streams, I read tons of articles with headlines like “8 Things Every Camgirl MUST Know” and “Tips for Chaturbate Performers,” and realized I had barely scratched the surface of how much work is actually involved in camming.
It’s not only the on-screen performances, which are taxing enough, but also the self-promotion, audience-building, administrative labor (like answering emails and filling out tax forms), emotional labor (like chatting with prospective clients via DM and filtering out the ones who demanded freebies), graphic design and editing of promotional images, personal branding, etc. etc. etc. I’m tired! I don’t know how cam performers do it all, especially ones who live with chronic illness like I do, but kudos.
I’m way too anxious.Are they having a good time? Am I moving at a good pace? Should I be nakeder than this? Are they regretting paying for this? Are they screenshotting this? Are they secretly recording video? What if I don’t orgasm in time? What if THEY don’t orgasm in time? How do I gracefully exit the conversation once the clock runs out? How do I ever expect to make money doing this when I look like THIS? Is my face doing pretty things? Is my body too contorted? Are my vibrators too loud? Are my dildos obscuring my vulva? Are they getting what they paid for?
I’ve never been great at shutting off the anxious voice in my head, but this was especially true during webcam shows. They’re just not my medium, methinks.
Sometimes it required tech know-how that I don’t possess. Granted, I do have a spouse now who’s very tech-savvy, so this is addressable if I wanted to address it… but that doesn’t necessarily mean my feeling of overwhelm and incompetence would go away!
When I read articles about optimizing streaming speed, troubleshooting platform glitches, and why it’s important to customize your Chaturbate profile, I just get stressed out and tend to shut down emotionally + shut down my computer. I know the tech side of things is largely handled by whatever streaming service you use these days, but I just don’t think I have the bandwidth (emotionally or internet-wise!) to handle the rest.
I kept getting distracted by the other performers on the site. Listen, I’m very bisexual. Any website where hot people of various genders are touching themselves live on camera is pretty hard to resist at least perusing. And if I peruse, I will watch. And if I watch, I will totally forget why I went to the website in the first place (i.e. performing myself). But I don’t mind that – it’s a pretty good dilemma, as far as dilemmas go. 😉
Any of you also dabbled in cam performing and found it wasn’t for you? Or did you eventually figure out how to make it work for you?
This post was sponsored by the folks at Designurbate, who will make you a Chaturbate profile template free of charge. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.
Today, 12 Days of Girly Juice comes to a close! And I’m finishing it in the way I always do: by highlighting one company in the sex industry that I think is doing wonderful work, and that made a significant contribution to my year.
The company I want to shout out this year is the Pleasure Tailor, co-creators of the Easy A dildo, which I launched earlier this month. They worked with me to get every detail of this toy exactly how I wanted it, and as a result, it’s a visually striking and profoundly pleasurable toy. It’s one of the only ones on the market that explicitly targets the A-spot, or anterior fornix. It’s also one of the only toys on the market designed by and for people with pain or strength issues in their hands – although, notably, anyone can use it, regardless of ability level, and the cleverly-designed base allows for more precise thrusts whether your hands are weak or strong.
I mostly wanted to highlight the Pleasure Tailor because I think what they’re doing is so damn cool. They collaborate with guest designers like me, yes, but they also allow all of their customers to customize toys, at a price that’s reasonable for the services being offered.
One of the fundamental issues with being a sex toy reviewer is that my advice can only be extrapolated so far; I may love a toy, but that doesn’t mean it’ll necessarily work for the particular bodies of all my readers. For that reason, I’m happy I can recommend toys made by the Pleasure Tailor to folks, because they can make their own decisions about things like size, shape, finish, and color – rather than having to hope a pre-made toy works for their unique genitals. The services offered by the Pleasure Tailor are empowering, democratizing, and (from my ~decade of experience in this industry) unparalleled.
Full disclosure: I was not paid to write this, and (as always) I genuinely do believe everything I’ve written here; the Pleasure Tailor really is that fuckin’ great. I receive a portion of the proceeds when you buy the dildo I designed.
With so much of my life this year taking place indoors, I relied even more on my favorite media-makers to keep me entertained, informed, and uplifted. All 5 of my picks for this year’s sex-savvy superheroes list are people whose media creations I adore, but they’re also just wonderful, smart people. I hope you check out their work and that you enjoy it as much as I do!
Rachel Rabbit White is mostly known as a poet these days, and while her poetry is indeed transcendent, I first encountered her work about a decade ago, when she was one of the only people I’d ever heard of who was successfully making a living as a sex journalist. I actually interviewed her in 2012 for a first-year journalism school assignment where we were tasked with asking for advice from a journalist we admired; she was gracious and kind. Her debut book of poetry, Porn Carnival, felt like a useful reminder this year to lean into hedonism, glamour, and messy joy, even in times of great global strife.
Tuck Woodstock is the host and creator of the Gender Reveal podcast, one of the best sources of high-level gender discourse on the internet (IMO). They’re also a journalist who has covered anti-police protests in Portland, among other topics. One of the things I admire most about him is his commitment to mutual aid: over $150,000 has been redistributed to trans and nonbinary folks in need, due to Tuck’s work and advocacy, and the generosity of the community they have created. There is always more to learn about gender, regardless of how you identify in that area, and I’m so grateful for Tuck’s work and all that it has taught me.
Princess Kelley May is a spanking fetishist and professional disciplinarian. This year I absolutely fell in love with her YouTube channel, Spanking University, which is full of indispensable advice, not only for spankophiles but really for sadomasochists of all stripes. Her advice is more thoughtful, thorough, and experience-backed than most I’ve seen; I love, for example, her thoughts on accounting for differences in body size and ability level in her video on the over-the-knee position, and her detailed explanation of how to play safely without a safeword. Her education is life-changing and I wish I could show these videos to every spanking newbie!
Kai Cheng Thom is a writer, performer, and former therapist who writes my favorite advice column on the internet, and I was so grateful for all of her words this year. She writes with such kindness on topics like sex, gender, dating, mental health, addiction, and abuse. She also studies conflict resolution techniques and has (bravely) publicly opposed the widespread harassment campaigns that often result when the left turns against itself in cancel-culture spectacles of misguided, performative rage. She’s one of the most courageous and compassionate writers I know of.
Dixie De La Tour is the host and creator of Bawdy Storytelling, a sex-themed storytelling event that I was lucky enough to perform in this year (you can listen to my story on the Bawdy podcast). Prior to speaking at Bawdy, I had no idea the extent to which Dixie makes herself available to storytellers for help shaping and sharpening each story to make it gleam. She transformed mine from a quirky little anecdote to a fully-fledged emotional tale with a beginning, middle, and end. She’s also just incredibly charismatic and a joy to watch on stage (or on Zoom, as the case may be) – she has a way of making the audience much more comfortable with explicit subject matter, even taboo stuff, with her easy charm and matter-of-fact approach to all things sexy. Definitely check out the Bawdy podcast if you need more sexy stories in your life!
I was sent this toy by the good folks at SheVibe as part of my research for an article I wrote for them on dildo materials other than silicone. In perusing their site, I realized that I’d tried almost all of these materials – glass, metal, ceramic – but had yet to try one of these crystal dildos, which are beloved by the Goop crowd, among others. This one is made of rose quartz, which is believed (by people who believe in such things) to help cultivate self-love and self-compassion, something I could definitely use some help with from time to time.
To my surprise, I ended up really enjoying this toy. The smooth shape of it makes it feel luxurious and gentle when well-lubed, even if I’m not super turned on yet. The slim end can nudge my A-spot on every thrust. The girth is satisfying but not overpowering. And the cool, smooth feeling of the rose quartz is soothing and calming, as you would hope a dildo oriented toward spiritual self-love would be.
There’s some debate in the sex toy community about whether crystal dildos are actually any good (it has been posited that they are porous and also bad for the environment). I don’t know enough about the material and its harvesting process to make a fair assessment of that, but I know I haven’t had any vaginal issues from using my Chakrubs toy. It’s definitely not something I reach for every week or even every month, but when I’m craving a woo-woo experience that’s focused on self-adoration, this is the toy for the job.
I had heard about Lovense for years because of their toys’ proliferation in the webcam performer community, but this year I finally got to try some for myself, as research for various articles on long-distance toys.
The Max 2 is their vibrating stroker, and it does some wild stuff. It pairs a textured sleeve with powerful vibrations, and on top of that, it can also mimic vaginal contractions by rhythmically squeezing your dick while it’s in there.
Best of all, it can be used with Lovense’s robust and reliable Bluetooth technology, so I can control a long-distance partner’s pleasure from far away. My spouse and I used this toy a lot this year while we were separated by distance, but also sometimes when we weren’t, because the interface on Lovense’s app allows me to stroke their cock the way I want to without actually using my hands – something I appreciate as a person who deals with pain and strength issues in my hands at times.
My partner often has super intense orgasms with this toy. We’ve found the Max 2 particularly fun to use as part of chastity play – it’s a wonderful way to give them the release they’ve earned after a week or more in chastity. But it’s also just a fantastic stroker for day-to-day usage. Well done, Lovense!
As I noted in my review, the Balldo really surprised me. I mean, it’s a silicone apparatus that slips over your balls and turns them into a dildo you can fuck someone with. How good could it really be?
Pretty good, it turns out. And certainly unique. While getting it on is a struggle, and it’s prone to slipping out once you actually get it into somebody, it works so well for us when it’s working. My partner’s able to achieve the “ballgasms” promised by the toy, and I’m able to enjoy the utter weirdness of the whole situation, alongside the hotness of seeing/hearing/feeling my partner experiencing a whole new type of pleasure.
If you’re dating/fucking someone who is open to adventure and has a good sense of humor, I think this could be a good gift for them. Or at least a gift they won’t soon forget.
This is a newer acquisition for me, and I’m loving it so far. There just aren’t that many companies out there making body-safe wooden sex toys (NobEssence is the most notable one), so I’m always glad to see new makers popping up on the scene.
I picked this toy over another Dee Lee Doo toy (the G-spot-focused Habu) because I thought it’d be able to hit my A-spot, and I was right. The length and shape of this toy are absolutely perfect for hitting that spot, whether I’m handling it myself or giving control over to a partner.
I like that wood is such a lightweight material, because it’s still easy for me to manipulate when I’m having a flare-up of pain or fatigue. It’s also hard without being overwhelmingly hard like metal and glass can be, making it an especially good pick for hitting a spot that simultaneously craves firm pressure and needs some gentleness. I hope to see more from this company in the new year!
My partner bought me this gorgeous leather strap as a gift after we saw spanking aficionado Princess Kelley May rave about it in a video. I don’t think I’d ever been spanked with a strap before, and it’s been wonderful getting to know that new sensation!
This is such a stunning product, “hand-crafted from beginning to end” by expert leatherworkers. I love the way it feels, both in my hand and on my ass.
As Kelley May points out in the video linked above, this strap is initially somewhat firm and inflexible but will soften with use. Right now, mine is still in the firm stage, so it feels more like a leather paddle – stingy with a side of thud. I’m looking forward to feeling what it feels like when it’s softened up a bit.
Another Lovense toy?! Yep, they really are that good.
This is another one that gets used exclusively on my partner and not on me – but I love using it on them! It’s a vibrating butt plug with two motors: one for the prostate and one for the perineum. Like the Max 2 above, it can be controlled from a distance using Lovense’s excellent app. Notably, you can control each of the motors separately, which makes it great for (as its name would suggest) edging.
This one is tons of fun to use when my partner is in chastity, because I can give them prostate orgasms even while their cock is in a chastity cage, and even when I’m 500 miles away. Truly amazing.
What, you thought I wasn’t gonna include the dildo I designed on this list?! Not a chance.
Obviously I love the Easy A because it was designed to meet my needs, as someone who adores deep penetration and also has hand strength issues that benefit from ergonomic sex toy bases. But I really think a lot of people would like this toy. The squishiness of the triple-density silicone is delightful, the bright blue color is swoonworthy, and the shape! Oh, the shape! It’s just exactly what I want an A-spot toy to be shaped like.
I remember the jubilation I felt when I discovered that the deep spot that reliably made me come had a name – and, more importantly, that there were sex toys out there (albeit not very many of them) that could target it efficiently and pleasurably. I’m so glad to have partnered with the folks at the Pleasure Tailor to create an addition to the scant-but-growing selection of A-spot toys on the market!
I get excited every time We-Vibe comes out with a new product, because they are truly one of the best companies in this industry right now. Their toys are well-made, aesthetically pleasing, and (best and most importantly of all) have legendarily good motors.
I was especially excited that they decided to update their classic bullet vibe, the Tango, of which I’d been a long-time fan. This new version, the Tango X, is a massive improvement. It has more speeds, easier charging, a travel lock, a silicone finger grip, and just overall feels like a nicer, better toy than the original Tango.
Since it’s pleasantly rumbly and relatively affordable for a rechargeable vibe of its caliber, this is one of my top recommendations for beginners who are curious about vibrators but don’t know where to start. If you like clitoral/external stimulation, you’d probably like this toy. I certainly do!
When I first received this toy, I did not expect that it would end up becoming one of my favorite toys of the year, and possibly my favorite pressure-wave toy of all time. Lelo is a company known for doing shocking things, often in a bad way – but this toy shocked me in a very good way.
As far as oral sex simulators go, this is the only one I’ve found that encases not just the tip of my clit but also my entire clitoral shaft, an oft-ignored part of clitoral anatomy. It’s like the difference between a tongue swirling around the head of a dick and a full-on deepthroat blowjob. (For that reason, it’s also potentially great for trans men and other transmasculine folks, aside from the twee/feminine-leaning color scheme.)
This toy sets itself apart from other pressure-wave products with its soft aesthetic and thoughtful design (especially those flat “lips,” which help the toy create a good seal around my clit). It’s elegant and well-made. It’s waterproof, so I can take it in the tub for a relaxing wank, featuring oral sex fantasies galore. It’s the one pressure-wave toy I would take with me on a desert island, if for some reason I had to do that. It’s just really damn good and I’m glad I own one.
What sex toys did you love most this year?
P.S.: Thanks for buying through my affiliate links! When you do so, I get a small commission at no extra cost to you. It’s basically like tipping me for providing such excellent recommendations 😉
