It’s not an exaggeration to say that kink has improved my life substantially. Not just because I’m having sex that better suits my tastes, but also because the structure (optionally) imposed by D/s can be transformative. (Just look at the #BetterLivingThroughKink hashtag on Twitter if you don’t believe me.)
I’ve had partners before who seemed unenthused about implementing and enforcing protocol – and I don’t blame them: it’s gotta be exhausting to be in control of not only your own life but also significant portions of someone else’s. This gets easier, so I’m told, if you have the type of brain that relishes that level of control rather than shying away from it – and my current partner is, indeed, that type of dom.
When we discussed protocol in the early days of our relationship, we discussed not only things that would be fun and hot, but also things that would be practical. I’m mildly anaemic and thus have to take an iron supplement every day, but I struggle with remembering to do it. Unlike something like a birth control pill, which you can set a daily timer for, my iron pill has to be taken with food – and, as a work-from-home freelancer, my meal schedule fluctuates wildly depending on what I’m up to that day. So, before meeting my Sir, I would often forget to take my iron for days at a time, resulting in dreaded dizziness and lethargy – not good!
During our early protocol negotiations, my Sir asked me what reward I thought would motivate me to take my iron daily. I contemplated the question, and then felt almost embarrassed to answer: selfies from him. It sounds fairly basic, but when you’re long-distance, you never get to see as much of your partner’s face as you wish you could. We were already in the habit of sending each other occasional selfies for no particular reason, but I still wanted more of his gorgeous face, and suspected it could keep me on-track with my iron regimen.
We implemented this protocol, and I immediately loved it. The exchange is simple – once a day, at mealtime, I take my pill, text him “Took my iron,” and he sends back a selfie as soon as he has a spare moment to take one – but it achieves exactly what we wanted it to: it makes me actually want to take my pill.
Not only do I want to see his face, I also want to connect with him throughout the day. As a person who sometimes has anxiety about seeming too “needy” or “bugging” my partners when they’re busy, I like having an excuse to reach out to my love in the middle of the workday, even if it’s just for this small two-component exchange. This anxiety still persists sometimes – I’ve occasionally gotten in trouble for taking my pill but not telling him, because he was busy and I didn’t want to “bother” him! – but it makes it easier overall, and that’s nice.
This protocol is so important to my Sir that he even sticks to it when we’re together in person. He’ll watch me take my pill while we’re having lunch or dinner together, and then pull out his phone, snap a cute selfie, and text it to me. It makes me giggle, because it’s, in some ways, “unnecessary,” but I also appreciate his dedication to this agreement we’ve made. And I like looking back at the selfies later!
One thing we were deliberate about, in creating this protocol, is setting it up so that there’s a reward when I Do The Thing, but there’s no punishment when I don’t. The adverse health effects I suffer when I skip my pill for a few days, though fairly mild, are their own punishment of sorts, as is my Sir’s gentle disappointment when he asks if I took my pill and I say no. Some say positive reinforcement works better than negative, and I’ve definitely found that to be true for me: I thrive on praise and treats when I do well, while admonishment and punishment just makes me recede into myself and feel sad and panicked. I’m glad we were able to set up this protocol in a way that feels good for both of us.
What protocols could you create in a D/s dynamic to make yourself healthier, happier, and/or more productive? Which have you already found work well for you?
That feeling of “Yay, I did a good job and someone noticed!” began to get compounded in murkily sexual ways when the compliment came from attractive older masculine people – professors, mentors, friends of the family – and what was once a purely intellectual motivation became a somewhat carnal one too. I craved a relationship in which I could go fully into the headspace that mildly patronizing compliments put me into, without tempering the blushing and giggling that those kind words provoked in me. I wanted it to be a mutually consensual delight, a two-way street: I wanted someone who loved giving me that kind of focused attention and encouragement as much as I loved to receive it.
Going into that space with new partners still feels vulnerable, even though I’ve done it in a few other relationships since then. Even if I know the person is into D/s, or DD/lg specifically, I still front-load these encounters with excessive explanations – “I get pretty goofy when I’m subspacey sometimes,” or “Sometimes I act weird and make no sense when I’m in scenes” – because I want to know my partners are not only okay with this but also hopefully into it. Just as it takes me a while to feel confident that a new partner actually finds me attractive and isn’t planning to