Musings

Three Cheers for Foreskins!: Tantus’ New Uncut Dildos

Kate Sloan

My Twitter stream is always full of sex toy photos, so you’d think I’d be desensitized to them – but when I saw the pictures of Tantus’ new Uncut dildos, I actually moaned out loud.

Foreskins are my jam, dude. I would never kick a guy out of bed for being circumcised – it’s not his fault, after all, and penises are wonderful regardless of their accoutrements – but if I’m honest with myself, I’d rather fuck dudes who are intact. Visually and tactilely, for me, foreskins are where it’s at.

So, yeah, I’m pretty damn excited about Tantus’ new offerings: the medium-sized Uncut 1 and mega-sized Uncut 2.

They’re both made of Tantus’ exquisite dual-density silicone, which pairs with the dildos’ realistic appearance to create a truly lifelike experience. They come in three different (beautiful) skin tones. Oh, Tantus. You sure know how to spoil us.

Mainly what excites me about these toys is that they could help to normalize – and eroticize – intact penises. In North America, it’s heartbreakingly common for uncircumcised guys to feel insecure about what makes them different, even though their anatomy is, of course, totally natural. Just as I perk up a little when I see chubby ladies rocking their sexy-ass curves, I hope that uncut guys will see these dildos and feel terrific about their package!

The future is here, folks: sex toys exist which represent real, diverse bodies. What other kinds of sex toys would you like to see in the future?

(This post wasn’t sponsored. I really am that enthusiastic about foreskins.)

Escorts, Strippers & Porn Stars, Oh My!: My Top 5 Favorite Fictional Sex Workers

Kate Sloan

 

Sex workers’ rights movements have come a long way in the past century, but they still have a long way to go.

There are places in the world where sex work is legal – certain kinds are allowed here in Canada, and it’s legal throughout Australia, where they even have sites like Escorts & Babes to help clients find what they’re looking for. But despite all this, we still live in a world where sex work is stigmatized and belittled.

An important step in the destigmatization of any group is good media representation. (We’ve seen that in the past couple years with Laverne Cox, for example, who is a television trailblazer for the trans community.) Lots of sex workers in movies and TV are still just reductive caricatures, but some of them are less so. Here, then, is a list of my top 5 favorite sex workers in films and television. Who are yours?

1. Vivian Ward from Pretty Woman. Setting aside the whole “rich dude rescues damsel in distress” motif of this film (ew), it’s hard not to love Julia Roberts as this plucky, goofy, lovable sex worker. She also rocks some truly wild and wonderful costumes over the course of the film. And that HAIR! Oh, that hair.

2. Irene Adler from Sherlock. Referred to fondly by Sherlock Holmes as “The Woman,” Irene Adler is a foxy dominatrix with a penchant for perfect 1940s hairstyles and impeccable red lipstick. She’s seemingly a lesbian but sorta falls in love with Sherlock, who seems to return her admiration despite probably being gay or asexual himself. I mean, who wouldn’t? She’s not only gorgeous but incredibly smart and shrewd, too. And she knows her way around a riding crop.

3. Satine from Moulin Rouge. Okay, Satine’s not exactly the most empowered character. Her entire life, as an escort and can-can dancer in a Parisian nightclub, is directed and ruled over by men, and (spoiler alert!) at the end she dies of consumption. But she’s strong-willed, seems to genuinely enjoy her work as a performer, and is damn good at it.

4. Gigolo Joe from Artificial Intelligence. Not enough people have seen this movie. It’s fantastic for so many reasons, one of which is definitely Jude Law’s performance as a cyborg designed to pleasure women. It’s a delight to watch him transform his hair color, accent, background music (which plays out of a radio in his wrist!), and entire approach to lovemaking depending on what his client-du-jour wants from him. He also proves himself to be a sweet, caring robot in non-sexual arenas, despite sex being his sole intended purpose in life.

5. John from Love Actually. I don’t know if this dude strictly counts as a sex worker, because he’s just a body double/stand-in on a porn set. But I had to include him because he’s completely adorable. Shy and nervous despite his explicit line of work, his entire plotline centers on trying to pluck up the courage to ask out his co-star, Judy, even though he’s already seen (and touched) most of her naked body. Aw, what a babe.

Do you have any favorite sex workers in fiction? I’d particularly be interested to hear from people who are, themselves, sex workers!

Heads up: this post was sponsored!

Is It Ever Okay to Fake Your Orgasms?

Kate Sloan

When I first got into feminism, sometime around age 14, I had loud, rigid opinions on everything.

“Women shouldn’t have to shave their legs!”

“Cunnilingus should be standard in all hetero sex!”

“No self-respecting woman would ever fake her orgasms!”

However, when I was 16, I started having sex, and the second time my new partner interacted with my genitals in any way, I… faked an orgasm.

I had my reasons (mostly nervousness and just wanting the awkward encounter to be over already), but I felt incredibly conflicted about the whole thing. Until a sex-positive, feminist friend of mine told me she faked a lot. And she liked it. That conversation blew my mind wide open and got me thinking about “the ethics of faking.”

Here are some of my thoughts on “good” and “bad” reasons to fake your orgasms. I’d love to hear whether you agree or disagree, and if you have other reasons to contribute to the list!

Bad reasons to fake:

• You don’t think you deserve real pleasure. (You do, love.)

• You don’t think you deserve to have a partner put in the time and effort required to give you real pleasure. (You do, love. Seriously.)

• You think you should be able to get off a certain way (e.g. from penetration alone), and that it would be embarrassing or unreasonable if you were to instruct your partner in what really gets you off. (Any partner worth their salt would love to learn how to make you happy. And if it happens to involve a kink they’re not into, well, it’s better to know that, so you can decide whether your incompatibility is a dealbreaker for either of you.)

• You know your partner gets off on your pleasure, and you want to give them that. (Okay, that’s very sweet, but if they like your pleasure, they like your real pleasure. And they’ll be upset when they inevitably find out you’ve been faking.)

Acceptable reasons to fake:

• You actually enjoy doing it. Putting on a show of faux pleasure actually induces real pleasure for you, much like smiling makes a person happier.

• You’re deliberately and knowingly play-acting/role-playing with a partner, and it’s assumed that there will be some “dramatization of events.”

• You’re in an unbalanced, perhaps abusive relationship in which it’s easier and safer to fake. (If this is the case, I wish you strength and luck and helpful resources to get you out of there, and I completely understand your decision. You gotta do what you gotta do to stay safe, end of story.)

I’m sure there are lots of other reasons that could go on either list, but those are the ones that come to mind for me. Have you ever faked? What was/were your reason(s)? Do you have any changes or additions you’d make to my lists?

Solid Sex Advice From My Grandmother

Kate Sloan

My Bubbie (Jewish grandmother) passed away a few years ago. She left me an assortment of things, from scarves to shoes to jewelry, but by far, the most enduring thing she left me was her advice.

I don’t think we ever talked about sex. We didn’t have that kind of relationship and she wasn’t that kind of person. But one piece of advice she gave me is extremely relevant to sex, whether or not she meant it to be.

Here’s what she told me: “You don’t ask, you don’t get.”

I most often heard her use this phrase in reference to beaurocratic processes: getting extra medical tests, nicer accommodations at a hotel, the right meal when the waiter brought you the wrong one, and so on. Her thinking was, it can’t hurt to ask. You might not get what you’re asking for, but you’ll be a lot likelier to get it than if you’d just stayed silent.

I think about this advice a lot, because it’s relevant almost constantly. I’m a shy person, not always skilled at advocating for myself or requesting the help I need. But I find, more often than not, that people are willing to help if you just make your desires known.

This comes up in sex all the damn time. Our cultural narratives tell us sex should be effortless and easy, and that if someone really loved you or was really good in bed, they’d be able to read your mind and give you what you want without you needing to ask.

Well, that’s nonsense. No one is a mind-reader, not even the Casanovas of the world. And while sexual chemistry can appear spontaneously with no effort required, it’s more often a collaborative creation: something you build with your partner through practice and, yes, communication.

If there’s something you want your partner to do, ask them. If they’re a decent person, the worst they can say is “No” – in which case, you’ll still be glad you asked, because at least now you know. And if they’re not a decent person, and they flip out at you or shame you, then you’ll know they aren’t worth one more millisecond of your time, and you can kick them out of your bed and your life with no hesitations.

All the best sexual adventures start with an idea and a little bravery. If you’ve already got your idea, then it’s time to be brave. Remember: you don’t ask, you don’t get!

Why Casual Sex is Brilliant (& Why I Wish I Was Having Some)

Kate Sloan

Because my first sexual relationship was with a friend and not a romantic partner, I’ve been asked plenty of times, “How do you separate love from sex like that?! I could never do that!”

This question used to make me nod thoughtfully and say things like, “Yeah, I can see why it could be difficult,” and “It’s a process, that’s for sure!”

Now, though, I just kinda… laugh. Because love and sex are soooo separate in my mind these days. Ever since my break-up last August, I feel an occasional pang of desire for emotional intimacy, cuddling, romantic dates, and declarations of adoration – but what I crave ceaselessly is sex. With or without love. Whatever. I just want it.

I have yet to have casual sex – my past dalliances with a friend-with-benefits were hardly “casual,” partly because we hung out all the damn time and partly because she was in love with me – but the idea of it glitters in my mind as the solution to countless sexual dilemmas. Here are some reasons why casual sex is a fucking terrific advent…

It’s fast. Truthfully, one of the reasons I ended my last relationship (aside from, y’know, just not feelin’ it anymore) was that I didn’t have the time or energy to invest in a romantic partner like I used to. Having a beau is a massive time commitment: dates, meandering conversations, ongoing negotiations, reassurances when needed, and so on. That stuff can be great when you’re able to put time into it, but when you’re not, casual sex is the better way to get your libidinal needs met.

It’s easy. At least, compared to wading through the sea of romantic options to find That One Person you click with on all the levels that matter in a relationship. Most people’s criteria for a casual sex partner are basically “Am I attracted to this person?” and “Can I stand to be around this person for short stretches of time?” Those requirements are pretty easy to meet. And the internet has made this process even simpler, by providing us with services like mysexhookups.com so we can get to the good stuff ASAP with minimal wasted time.

It’s shameless. Well… relatively. We all have some sexual shame to work through, because of our bullshit sex-negative culture. But I’d imagine it’s a lot easier to cop to your kinks when you know you’ll never see the person again. A long-term partner yucking your yum is a lot tougher to take; with a casual partner, if an incompatibility becomes clear, you can just say, “See ya! Onto the next.” And if they do share your kink? Then you’re probably in for some stellar sex.

Are you a casual sex devotee? Any tips for someone who’s new to this world (and kinda, maybe, extremely shy)?

This post was made possible by the folks at mysexhookups.com. Kisses!