Musings

Sex Toys For Weirdly Specific Demographics

Kate Sloan

Lelo is launching a sex toy for bankers. (I know. I don’t get it either.) When I received the press release, I started thinking… what if other seemingly random demographics also had their own specially-tailored sex toys?

For musicians: A vibrator where each setting creates a sound at a specific pitch. You can use it to help you tune your instrument when you don’t have access to a tuning fork or a digital tuner. You can quiz your lover who claims to have perfect pitch, while distracting them with pleasure. You can even play little songs. There could be vibration patterns that play recognizable tunes, like Old MacDonald Had a Farm and Twinkle Twinkle, Little Star.

For sex bloggers: A vibrator with a built-in voice recorder so you can narrate your experience aloud as you masturbate, to refer back to later when you’re drafting your blog post. “It feels like a tiny jackhammer… The buttons are hard to push… Man, this is taking forever to get me off!”

For people concerned with protecting themselves: A weighty dildo that can double as a weapon in dire times. (Oh, wait, the Njoy Eleven already has that on lockdown.)

For people who get frequent UTIs: A vibrator that can tell if you use it for penetration, and if you do, once you’re done, it loudly yells at you to go and pee and doesn’t stop until you’ve peed. (I don’t know how it would be able to tell, but I’m sure there’s a mechanical engineer out there who could figure this out.)

For procrastinators: A vibrator that will only turn on when you’ve successfully cleared your inbox/submitted your essay/cleaned your room/whatever.

For masochists: A vibrator with two dials: one that controls the vibration strength, and one that controls the speed or intensity of the little mechanical arms that scratch your thighs, dig into your skin or spank your ass. (I am picturing this toy and it looks like a mechanical spider to me. I’m freaked out and intrigued.)

For sadists: A Fleshlight-esque masturbator that makes humanoid noises of varying degrees of desperation and pain, depending on how hard and fast you thrust into it.

For camgirls: A dildo or vibrator fitted with two small cameras – a lighted one that can see inside you as you use the toy on yourself, and one that extends from the base for a wider shot of the action – that wirelessly connect to your computer to livestream your activities.

For balloon fetishists: A dildo that responds to kegel clenching by making progressively louder balloon-popping sounds… which turn you on even more… which leads to more clenching… It’s a delicious cycle.

What would a sex toy specifically for your demographic be like?

A Jian Ghomeshi Reading List

Kate Sloan

Trigger warning: this post and the links therein contain descriptions of physical and sexual abuse, as well as consensual BDSM in some cases. If any of that stuff bothers you, you should take care of yourself as best you can and feel free to skip this post.

If you live in Canada and/or follow the news, you’re probably aware that a HUGE scandal broke here this week. Media personality Jian Ghomeshi has been accused of physically abusing multiple women behind closed doors.

Normally this isn’t the sort of thing I’d write about here, but I am, for two reasons: a) the story has become unfairly entangled with consensual BDSM and I’d like to help reverse that however I can, and b) if I’m honest, this story has affected me profoundly on an emotional level, even more than these violence-against-women stories usually do. Maybe it’s because it happened in my own city, or because I’d seen so much of Jian and he always seemed like such a normal guy. Maybe it’s because the good, upstanding in folks in my sex-positive, kinky communities are getting conflated with abusers in the wake of this mess. Or maybe it’s just because violence is always a horrible, difficult thing to encounter, no matter how indirectly.

In any case, for those of you who haven’t been following the story, or who have but are interested in knowing more, I’ve compiled this reading list. It contains links and articles I think are important to understanding the full scope of what’s gone on. Feel free to pick through it, read what interests you and skip the rest. And if you start to find any of it difficult to read, don’t feel you have to slog through it. You do what you have to do to take care of you, okay?

• First off: if you need some context for who Jian is and what he does (professionally, not criminally), you can take a look at his Wikipedia page or his website. Basically, he’s a widely-known, widely-broadcasted radio and TV personality who hosted/co-founded a show called Q, which focused on arts, especially music.

• One of the things Ghomeshi is most known for is this interview with Billy Bob Thornton. It was applauded at the time because Thornton acted totally unreasonably and Ghomeshi kept calm and dealt with it well. We even watched this clip in one of my journalism classes last year as an example of good interviewing skills.

• One of the first pieces of evidence to surface about Ghomeshi’s abusive habits was this article by xoJane contributor Carla Ciccone. It doesn’t allege any violence, just creepy non-consensual touching and stalker-ish behaviors. Ciccone never outright identified who she was writing about, but many details led people to believe it was Jian, including the references to his book and band, the brand colors of his show, and – yes – his quiet reputation as a creep. Plus there’s this tweet, in which he says exactly what he says to Carla in the article.

• On Friday, it was announced that Ghomeshi would take time off to deal with “personal issues”. He had recently lost his father, so some people in my community speculated that perhaps he was depressed from that grief, though we were surprised it could be so bad that he’d need time off.

• Then on Sunday, the CBC changed their tune and said that Ghomeshi wasn’t actually taking time off for personal issues but actually had been fired, due to “information” they had learned about him. (Toronto Star investigative reporter Kevin Donovan has hinted that the Star will report on what exactly transpired over that weekend to cause this change.) Ghomeshi – or perhaps more accurately, his PR team – composed this Facebook missive claiming that he was fired because he partakes in consensual BDSM in his private life, and that the claims of non-consent all arose falsely from one “jilted ex-girlfriend.”

• Incensed by the usage of the word “jilted” as gendered code, Mandy Stadtmiller at xoJane wrote about other such coded terms and how they’ve been used to invalidate and insult women over and over again.

• For those interested in the literary references Ghomeshi makes in his statement, here’s some information about the Lynn Coady story he references alongside Fifty Shades of Grey. It’s from Coady’s Giller Prize-winning book Hellgoing. Incidentally, Ghomeshi was set to host this year’s Giller Prize ceremony, but was replaced by Rick Mercer after the allegations of violence were made.

• On Monday, the Star published a story alleging that three women had been physically attacked by Ghomeshi. The Star had been quietly researching the story for over a year. These women were all on dates with Ghomeshi at the times of their respective attacks but had not consented to what he did to them (punching, slapping, biting, choking). A fourth woman, one of Ghomeshi’s co-workers at the CBC, also alleged that he had touched her without consent and told her at work that he wanted to “hate-fuck” her.

• Ghomeshi then filed a $55-million lawsuit against CBC for defamation, breach of trust, and damages – though many experts are saying that the lawsuit is hopeless.

• Law professor Brenda Cossman wrote an article explaining that Canadian law does not recognize consensual BDSM and causing bodily harm to another is always considered illegal, even if the “victim” consented. (It should be noted that this is probably irrelevant to Ghomeshi’s case, since he seems to have assaulted many women without consent – but this legal information may still be of interest to actual kinksters.)

• Indie musician Owen Pallett, who is (was?) a friend of Ghomeshi’s, spoke out in defense of the alleged victims and said they ought to be believed, not dismissed.

• A post called “Do you know about Jian?” talks about how Ghomeshi being “weird with women” has been quietly known about by many people for a long time. Scary to think that so many folks felt silenced.

• Prominent sex writers Andrea Zanin and Dan Savage both wrote excellent posts essentially warning readers not to conflate kink with abuse. Dan’s tweet sums it up nicely: “I oppose the demonization of consensual kinksters. I despise abusers who cover for their crimes by claiming to be consensual kinksters.”

• Wednesday night, the Star dropped another bombshell: eight women have now come forward about having been abused by Ghomeshi, including TV actress Lucy DeCoutere from Trailer Park Boys. This latest Star piece contains many unsavory details, so definitely skip it if you think it might trigger you – but it is an incredibly fine piece of journalism that seems hard to refute or explain away. If you’re wary of media outlets that use anonymous sources, maybe it would help to remember that it was the Star’s investigative team who also broke the Rob Ford crack scandal last year – using then-anonymous sources.

• One of the weirdest details in the Star story was about Jian’s teddy bear, Big Ears Teddy; two of the women the Star interviewed have said that Ghomeshi turned the bear around to face the other way before assaulting the women, saying, “Big Ears Teddy shouldn’t see this.” Jian has spoken before about the bear’s significance in his life and in easing his anxiety. Some folks in the #JianGhomeshi hashtag speculated that there could be something more sinister going on with that bear, like a hidden camera, but there’s no proof of that and it seems unlikely.

• Also on the topic of the bear: Twitter account @bigearsteddy has tweets dating back to April of this year that allege Ghomeshi is violent toward women. The tweets are written by someone who claims to have been one of Ghomeshi’s victims and might be a Carleton University media grad but they are unsubstantiated so it’s hard to know for sure. (I wonder if one of the women from the Star article is also behind this Twitter account.)

• Steffani Cameron wrote about Canadian sexual context and safety in BDSM.

• Dan Savage found and interviewed a woman who dated Ghomeshi and says she engaged in completely consensual BDSM activities with him. But, as Savage points out in his post, it seems that Ghomeshi’s MO was to get violent/aggressive with all his romantic/sexual prospects as a way of “asking” for consent to do more, so in the case of the woman Savage interviewed, it seems Ghomeshi just lucked out and happened to find a woman whose kinks matched his and who didn’t object to his “reckless, abusive and dangerous” approach. One consensual case doesn’t outweigh or invalidate the many non-consensual cases.

• Ghomeshi announced today that he “intend[s] to meet these allegations directly,” whatever the hell that means, and that he won’t be speaking to media about it anymore (although it seems he hasn’t spoken to media about it at all anyway).

I think those are the most important pieces of the story so far. If you’re interested in following how this plays out, the Star is probably your best source; their investigative team is out-of-this-world amazing and their coverage has so far been fair, balanced, and (I believe) accurate.

If you take anything from these events, I hope it’s this: we need to work together to create a world where abusers like Ghomeshi are publicly shamed and identified as he has been, and a world where victims don’t feel ashamed and silenced as his did for so long, and as some no doubt continue to.

Lube is Not a Shortcut

Kate Sloan

Okay, cuties; it’s time for some remedial sex education. Today we’re going to talk about something that should be common sense for all sexually active folks but somehow isn’t. And I count myself as one of those clueless/careless people, because I make this mistake myself all the time.

Lube is an amazing product. It helps make sex and masturbation smoother and more comfortable for all involved. It solves a problem that sometimes can’t be solved any other way. But please remember: lube is not a substitute for proper warm-up. Using lube doesn’t mean you get to skip the foreplay or pull out giant dildos right off the bat. Here are some reasons why.

Mental warm-up matters just as much as physical.

I am super lazy and impatient, so sometimes, when I feel like masturbating, I just pull out a few toys, lube one up and stick it in right away. Some part of me thinks, “Hell yeah, this is gonna feel amazing once I get it in!” but then it’s in and I am in no way in a sexy headspace – so it doesn’t feel good. At best, it feels neutral and kind of boring; at worst, it feels uncomfortable and intrusive.

It can be frustratingly time-consuming sometimes, if you’re not someone who naturally enjoys the journey rather than the destination – but taking time to arouse your brain is well worth the effort. Watch some porn, read some erotica, call up some fantasies. Take a bath, light some candles, put on something silky. If you’re with a partner, make out a little longer, talk dirty, dry-hump like horny teenagers. The destination will be a tastier treat if the journey is delicious at every step.

Orifices need time to open.

Lubrication isn’t the only factor in comfortable penetration. When a person gets aroused, they’re better able to relax to allow someone or something to enter. Orifices also expand during arousal, so there’s more room to work with.

It’s commonly known that asses need prep – for example, using a butt plug for a while before moving up to larger things – but it’s sometimes forgotten that (some) vaginas require that same kind of warm-up. It can make all the difference in the world to start with a finger, then two, then maybe even a smallish dildo before getting out the big guns.

While there’s something to be said for the hotness of going from zero to 10 when that’s the kind of mood you’re in, there’s also something impossibly sexy about inching your way slooowly forward – one finger, two, three – until you get where you’re going, wherever that may be.

Arousal increases sensitivity.

For me, this is the reason why “quickies” tend to be something I do for my partner’s benefit and not my own. When it comes to penetration, I need to be turned on for it to feel good, and that takes some time.

During arousal, the G-spot swells and becomes more sensitive. Nerve endings all over the body also become more sensitive too, including the ones in the vagina and ass. Taking the time to get aroused beforehand could turn a “meh” experience into a “holy fuck, wow” experience.

Injuries can happen.

I alluded to this previously but it’s worth mentioning again, because it’s important. Just like a runner can injure a muscle by taking off without warming up, you can injure your body by jumping straight to penetration without proper preparation.

Even if you don’t feel any major damage happening during the act, you could be creating micro-tears or irritation that could turn into something more serious.

If you find it hot to be quick or spontaneous, here are some suggestions for how to make that work while lessening the risk of injury or discomfort:

• If you know there’s a chance that you’ll be having quick/spontaneous sex soon, use that knowledge and the related fantasies to keep yourself in a state of mental arousal so you’ll be ready. (I probably don’t even have to tell you this, you minx!)

• Carry a travel-size bottle of lube around with you. It’s not a shortcut, but it certainly helps.

• If anal sex is an impending possibility, wear a butt plug. (Don’t attempt to “wear” a dildo in preparation for vaginal sex, though; the vagina is self-cleaning, so blocking its cleaning mechanism for more than a few hours at a time can lead to an infection. Plus vaginal toys aren’t generally designed for this purpose so it would be uncomfortable to have one in for a long period of time.)

• If you know of a foolproof method that turns you on quickly, keep it at the ready. (For example, for me, this would be a super rumbly clit vibe. Thirty seconds of thuddy vibration can create the arousal equivalent of 5-10 minutes of foreplay for me. Better to have a little warm-up than none at all!)

• Communicate with your partner(s) to make sure they know the importance of foreplay. Maybe you can work together to come up with a way to make warm-up hot. (I remember reading somewhere that Tristan Taormino likes to play a Dom/sub game where she warms up her sub’s ass by using anal toys of gradually increasing sizes, under the guise of “I’m going to put everything in this room in your ass, because you’re my slutty sub and I can do whatever I want to you!” This is one example of a way to make warm-up sexy and natural.)

What are your favorite ways to get in the mood?

3 Reasons to Take a Scandalous Selfie

Kate Sloan

Ah, selfies. Such a polarizing topic. You either think they’re the epitome of narcissism or a radical tool against society’s demand that we hate ourselves. There doesn’t seem to be any in-between when it comes to this issue.

Sexy selfies are even more polarizing than the standard face shots. There’s a media circus of slut-shaming and fear-mongering every time a celebrity’s scantily-clad selfie is posted or leaked. Very little attention is paid to the idea that this sort of photo can actually be a positive, affirming thing for its model.

Before we go any further, let’s get this out of the way: yes, there are definitely risks associated with the existence of sexy selfies in the digital sphere. Hackers exist, as do vengeful exes, technology slip-ups, and other potentially problematic pitfalls. I don’t know a lot about digital security so I’ll refer you to someone who does: Violet Blue. Her book on the subject is invaluable. I actually haven’t even read it yet but she’s Violet freaking Blue so I know it’s a good resource nonetheless.

Now, with that in mind, let’s get to the good stuff: here are 3 reasons why taking a naked or nearly-naked selfie might be a good thing for you to do, if you’re into it.

To document your body as it is right now.

We all age. Our bodies change. They grow or shrink. Old scars fade and new ones appear. The changes are so gradual that you may hardly notice them until you compare in detail.

Maybe this is weird to think about, but how cool would it be to be 75 years old and look back on a picture of your naked bod at age 19? Document your body’s hotness, its quirks, its fleeting state of being. Bodies are ephemeral, but pictures are forever (if you keep ‘em).

To boost your self-love.

If you’re one of the many many folks who struggles with self-love, you might be thinking, “But GJ, looking at my body doesn’t make me love it more! Quite the opposite, in fact!” I feel you, babe. But hear me out for a sec.

Selfies give you almost total control over how you choose to present yourself. You can contort your body into flattering poses, tilt your face at a forgiving angle, squish your boobs together, flex your muscles. You can take dozens of pictures and use only the best one. You can prepare for the picture with all the makeup you want. And once the shot’s been snapped, you can slather it in Instagram filters and Photoshop fixes.

Some people think this is “false advertising” – and indeed, it may not be a great idea to use a contrived, doctored selfie as your dating site profile pic or modelling headshot, since those are supposed to be honest and true-to-life. But if the shot’s for your personal use, or you’re just going to forward it to a beau or put it on a social media site for funsies, it really doesn’t matter if it’s been tampered with. Who cares?

If you feel you can’t fully love yourself the way you look in real life, start by trying to love yourself the way you look in your sleek, perfected selfies. It could be the first step on your journey to loving the way you actually look.

To send to someone cute.

Of course, this is maybe the main reason why people take sexy selfies. The kids are calling it “sexting,” so I hear…

I’ve actually never sent anyone a naked picture of myself because I’m paranoid about them getting leaked, but the great thing is, there are so many flirty, foxy pictures you can take for a partner without even showing your bits. Take them in underwear, in a shirt your lover forgot on your bedroom floor, in a fancy piece of lingerie you’re trying on in a mall fitting room… The sky’s the limit.

Exchanging sexy shots can, of course, be a way of being sexual together even when you can’t physically be near one another. It can also be a fun way to explore your sexuality together if you’re not ready to have sex with someone yet, or not able to for whatever reason.

Do you take scandalous selfies? What makes them fun for you? Got any tips?

Here’s An Idea: Ethical Fetishism + Shoe Sugar Daddies

Kate Sloan

Last week I found myself madly lusting over a pair of shoes. They were gorgeous and I NEEDED them – but they were $275. And as a full-time student and part-time blogger, that ain’t a doable price for me. (I ended up buying a similar pair at a way lower price point – that’s me modeling them above!)

I spent some time complaining on Twitter about this problem, and then my mind wandered to all the fetishists who’ve left me lascivious comments on my clothes, shoes, and hosiery over the years. You might remember from my post on how to be a non-douchey fetishist that I’ve been posting outfit photos online for 8+ years and attract a lot of creeps through that venue. These people are getting off on my pictures – so shouldn’t I be getting some kind of compensation for that “service” I’m (nonconsensually) providing?

Okay, hear me out. My idea is this: an online social platform where you can sign up in one of two categories, fetishist or fashionista. (The names could use some workshopping; ideally they’d both be gender-neutral.) The fashionistas build profiles full of as much or as little personal information as they’d like to share and a gallery of photos that are as sexy or sexless as they feel comfortable being. They attach a wishlist to their profile, filled with clothes, shoes, and other cute things they have their eye on. And if a fetishist takes an interest in a particular fashion fan, he can buy her something from her wishlist. (I’m using those pronouns for clarity’s sake; obviously there are fetishists and fashion fans of all genders.)

The wishlist would hide her address, of course; no one wants to put themselves at risk for being stalked. And when the item of choice arrived, she could try it on, pose for pictures or video, and post them publicly or privately for the fetishist who supplied the money.

There could be a way for fetishists and fashionistas to negotiate the terms of the agreement in advance – e.g. “If I buy you these shoes, you’ll model them in tights, in knee-high socks, and barefoot.” There could be an eBay-esque feedback system to avoid scammers and creeps.

I know that systems like this exist already, but in my experience, they’re usually hypersexual and mostly frequented by camgirls and their patrons. While there’s obviously nothing wrong with sex workers (you go, gals and guys!), not all of us feel comfortable being super sexy online. My half-baked dream for this social network conceptualizes it as a space that is as sexy or unsexy as individual users want it to be, so that everyone feels comfortable and safe.

I just think that there are better ways to manage the relationships between fetishists and the subjects of their affection than the way that those relationships usually go right now. The subjects often (in my experience) feel victimized, grossed out, and used. I know that for myself, when I receive a message from a fetishist telling me he loves me in sheer hose or he wants me to wear heels for him, I feel squicked out but I also always send him a link to my Amazon wishlist, because dammit, if I’m going to fulfill someone’s fetish, he’s going to be the one to foot the bill for it, not me. Of course, I’ve never actually had a fetishist buy me anything, because the ones I encounter all seem to be cheapskates who expect me to be their masturbation fodder at no charge, but… I’m sure there are shoe sugar daddies out there somewhere, right?

I don’t have the know-how to build a website or get it off the ground, but if anyone ever takes this idea and runs with it, just know that I would promote the shit out of it, happily beta-test it, and send the link to every fetishist who’s ever given me “helpful suggestions” for what to wear!