Personal

I Showed My Face on the Internet & Nothing Awful Happened

Kate Sloan

I am a sexy ghost. A faceless apparition. My Twitter avatar is a picture of my boobs. My bio photo is my knees, adorned in sex toys. The name I go by is not my real name, obviously (although: admit you would be at least somewhat impressed by my parents if they had, indeed, legally named me Girly Juice).

There are two main reasons I have always hesitated to show my face in any capacity connected to this blog:

1. I worried that potential future employers, distant conservative family members, shitty misogynist trolls, etc. would stumble across my pictures and use them against me in some way. These worries, if I let them get too far, always morphed into melodramatic waking nightmares in which I ended up homeless, alone, and disgraced. (I know. I’m ridiculous. I told you, I have anxiety.)

2. (And this is an even sillier and more embarrassing reason…) I’m insecure about how I look, and I worried that if people saw what I looked like, they wouldn’t think I was sexy or pretty, and it would cause them to discount my opinions and stop reading my blog.

When Caitlin and John came to my house to interview me and film me masturbating (which is a whole ‘nother story for a whole ‘nother blog post), we got onto the topic of sex blogging and anonymity. Caitlin point-blank asked me why I kept my identity (and my face) so private in the blogosphere, and I went on a meandering ramble about closed-minded office jobs and facial recognition technology and sex-negative assholes… and my tirade was so aimless that at the end of it, I was left thinking, “Why don’t I show my face? Is there a real reason, or is it just my stupid anxiety-brain?”

I have so many friends in the sex-positive corner of the internet who reveal not only their faces but their names, their real-life accomplishments, their identities. And I’ve always been jealous of them, because they can be their whole selves. When their readers and fans love them, they really love them, not some reductive persona.

A few months ago I tweeted that I was toying with the idea of showing my face, and some douchebro replied something like: “Don’t. I like mysterious women.” It reignited all my old doubts about how anonymity might be more alluring to readers than my actual face and body. What if you thought you were reading the sex stories of someone who looked like Jamie Dornan and then you peeled back the curtain and it was actually Gilbert Gottfried under there?! (That’s not to say that I think I look like Gilbert Gottfried… or that he doesn’t have some perfectly lovely characteristics… but you see what I’m saying, yeah?)

When I got dolled up for the Feminist Porn Awards, I came downstairs and there was no one in my house. (This is quite unusual; I live with three other people and two of them work from home.) I got frustrated that there was no one around to tell me, “Hey, you look good!” and that combined with the overall sex-positive, yay-for-sex! attitude that tends to pervade Feminist Porn Week… so I impulsively posted some selfies. Of my face.

And people were really fucking nice about it.

Like, literally every single person who sent me a reply was incredibly sweet and supportive. No one made me feel like it was a particularly big deal or shocking reveal. Everyone was just… great. And it’s one of my most-favorited tweets to date.

I’ve posted a few more Twitter selfies since then (and not just of my cleavage or underwear or disembodied lips), and the results have always been the same. My followers are complete and utter sweethearts. They have made me wonder why I was so scared of doing this for so long.

And they’ve also shown me that my constant self-criticism about my looks is unfounded. I don’t look like a magazine model, and I never will, but lots of people still think I’m pretty. No one, so far, thinks my face or body are incongruous with my femme-sexpot internet persona. It’s just not a big deal. At all.

Sex bloggers and other sexy-on-the-internet types: do you show your face? What’s your reasoning behind showing or not showing it?

Everyone I’ve Ever Fucked Is a Taurus

Kate Sloan

Do you ever make lists of all the unifying qualities of the people you’ve romanced and banged? Or am I the only resident of that particular neighborhood in Nerd-town?

I don’t know why it took me so long, given my penchant for list-making, to realize that both of the people I’ve had sex with are astrological Taureans. I’m a Taurus myself, so it really should have clicked sooner.

Whether or not you believe in astrology (and I’m certainly not sure about it, myself), what I know for certain is that both of those partners embodied all the classic Taurean traits, as do I. We’re fiercely loyal and trustworthy. We’re reliable; you can count on us. We’re creative, passionate, and hellbent on the finer things in life. On the other hand, we’re known to be stubborn, self-indulgent, lazy, and sometimes closed-minded.

How does this translate to the bedroom? Lots of different ways, I’m sure – Taureans aren’t a hive-mind. In my experience, though, Taurus-on-Taurus fucking is consistently and dependably good, but it can veer into the land of routines and ruts a little too easily.

You know those times when you’re trying to decide where to go for dinner, and you and your friend or partner keep asking each other, “Where do you want to go?” “Well, where do you want to go?” Neither one of you wants to rock the boat by suggesting something out-there or new. It may very well be that you’d both love to try that quirky Scandinavian bistro that just opened up down the road, but unless someone actually comes out and says that, it ain’t gonna happen.

That’s sort of what it’s been like when I’ve slept with other Taureans. I knew what I liked, I knew what my partner liked, we knew what had worked for us in the past and would continue to work for us – but we rarely went out on a limb and suggested something new.

I could happily eat steak and fries for dinner every night and not get sick of it. And I do mean every night, like, for at least a year. That’s also how I feel about certain sexual acts, like receiving oral and then getting fucked doggie-style. I could easily do that every time I have sex and it would take me a damn long time to start feeling bored. I know that’s true because I’ve lived it. When us Taureans found the routine that worked for us, we stuck to it pretty closely. And we liked it – that’s why it became a routine in the first place, after all – but we might’ve also liked other, different things, if we’d bothered to try them.

My best friend is a Sagittarius. Her sign is known to be adventurous, sometimes to the point of recklessness. That quality is one of my favorite things about her, and one of the reasons we’re so drawn to each other as friends. If she needs some Taurean comfort, she can come to me, and we’ll go to our favorite sushi restaurant and then maybe watch a movie we’ve seen 50 times before, and laugh at all the same jokes. But when I need a Sagittarian shake-up, she can help me with that. We’ll go explore a random ravine, or check out art galleries downtown, or get on a bus to Montreal.

I guess what I’m saying is… As much as I love other Taureans, and as familiar and comforting they feel to the very core of me, I don’t know if I want to fuck them anymore. At least, not the very Taurus-y Taureans like me. The sex is fantastic but it’s not an adventure. And I think it’s time I had some goddamn sexual adventures.

What are your thoughts on sexual astrology? Is there a particular sign with whom you tend to have amazing sex, or terrible sex? Is there a sign you tend to adore, or can’t stand?

#DidYouJerkOffToday: Some Initial Observations

Kate Sloan

As you already know if you follow me on Twitter, I’ve given myself a challenge in honor of Masturbation Month: I’m forcing myself to masturbate to orgasm at least once a day for the whole month.

The experiment is still playing out, but here’s what I’ve observed so far:

• Daily orgasms have definitely increased my libido. I find myself getting spontaneously turned on in the middle of the day and needing to do something about it, which ordinarily would only happen a few times a month, if that.

• Further to that: although I’m not typically prone to multiple orgasms, there have been days during this challenge when I’ve needed to get off more than once a day. I’ll have one orgasm, go and do something else for an hour or two, and then suddenly notice that I’m still turned on. That’s incredibly rare for me but it’s been commonplace during this challenge.

• On the other hand, there have also been days when I’ve felt completely demotivated, and had to dredge up an orgasm using the strongest vibrators and dirtiest fantasies in my arsenal if it was going to happen at all. I suppose it’s natural that if you force yourself to do something every day, it’s going to feel like an obligation at least some of the time.

• As per usual for me, having orgasms more frequently has made them a) more difficult to achieve and b) stronger. So, there are positives and negatives. (Let’s be real, though: it’s mostly positives. I mean, I’m having a fuckton of orgasms. That’s pretty rad, any way you slice it.)

Have you been celebrating Masturbation Month in any particular way? Wanna tell me about it?

Dude, What the Fuck, This Blog is 3 Years Old Today

Kate Sloan

Oh gosh. My baby blog turns three today. I think I might cry.

When I started this blog, I was 19 years old and had only recently recovered from a crippling fear of penises. I was taking a year off between high school and university, and had very little idea of what I wanted to do with my life. All I really knew was that I loved writing about sex and had a lot of thoughts to share on that topic – plus I liked the thought of getting free sex toys – so starting a blog seemed to make sense.

At first it was just a casual side project, a labor of love. My boyfriend at the time was very encouraging and let me write about our sex life as much as I wanted, god bless him. He even tested out weird couples’ sex toys with me. This blog probably wouldn’t be here if not for him, so he deserves a shout-out, even though we broke up more than 6 months ago and I haven’t spoken to him since. (Sad trombone!)

After a couple months of blogging, my sex toy collection had grown to 25 toys. It’s now up around 150 somewhere – I don’t have the time or energy to count, to be honest with you!

I think my feminism has evolved a lot since I started this blog. It was always my goal to approach my writing from a sex-positive feminist perspective, but that’s an ongoing process and transformation and I never have been (and never will be) perfect at it. I think I’m more inclusive of trans and non-binary folks in my writing now, for example. (Well, I hope! Please call me out if I’m not.)

I also think I’ve become a way better writer! Six months after starting my blog, I headed off to journalism school, where I’m now in my third year. Granted, news briefs and feature articles are quite different in tone (and usually content) than the sorts of things I write on my blog, but I think they all feed into each other in one way or another. The more you write (and read, and edit, and draft, and re-draft), the better you get at it. What I know for sure: some of my old posts make me cringe, but I’m generally proud of the ones I rattle off these days!

I also notice that my anonymity isn’t as crucial to me now as it was back then. Of course, I still use a pseudonym, don’t show my face, and keep my GJ identity separate from my “real-life” identity online, but it no longer stirs up a desperate fear in me to imagine that I might be “found out.” Almost everyone in my life knows I’m a sex blogger and most of them have seen the site – and in turn, some of the folks in the sex blogosphere know who I am IRL (including Reenie who I actually visited and hung out with last month!). I still intend to keep my two identities separate to protect myself (openly sexual women are still shamed and devalued in a lot of ways in our society, unfortunately), but I don’t have anxiety about it anymore.

I’m very proud of the work I’ve done, both on this blog and on my overall self-improvement. And I want you to know that I’m in this for the long haul. I’ll be writing about sex until my brain turns to mush or my fingers are too arthritis-gnarled to form words on a keyboard.

I love you so much for being a part of my social sphere, and for reading my silly musings. Thanks so much for sticking with me and contributing to this space that means so much to me.

xoxoxox GJ

My Big, Exciting, Scary, Sexy Goals for 2015

Kate Sloan

The new year is upon us! I hope you had a fun New Year’s Eve last night, and that you woke up this morning feeling refreshed and renewed, as opposed to hungover and grumbling!

Come the new year, a lot of people set resolutions for themselves. I think self-improvement is always a good use of time, but something about the vagueness of resolutions just doesn’t work for my brain. I like to set GOALS: specific, actionable tasks or projects whose completion will be immediately and entirely clear to me when it happens.

Here are some of the sex-related goals I’ve set for myself this year… Hopefully, a year from today, they’ll all be checked off my list!

1. Have casual sex.

For a sex blogger, my sexual history sure isn’t very adventurous. I’ve only ever had sex with two people: one a long-term friend with benefits and the other a long-term boyfriend.

Right now I’m too damn busy to get into another relationship so soon after ending the last one, plus I’m just not feelin’ the whole commitment/obligation thing right now. I’d rather be free and clear, at least until I find myself so head-over-heels for someone that coupledom looks more attractive than the alternative.

But although I’m relationship-phobic at the moment, I’m certainly not sex-phobic. In fact, it kind of feels like a part of me has shrivelled up and died from how long I’ve gone without sex at this point. (About eight months, I think? Shh, don’t tell anyone!!)

So one of my goals for the year is to figure out how to have casual sex in a way that feels safe, healthy and positive for me, and then do it. I’m defining “casual sex” as “sex with someone I am not, and do not intend to be, in a romantic relationship with.” I am super shy and awkward and don’t even know that many people I’d want to have sex with, so we’ll see how this goes…

(Last night I was having dinner with some friends and we got onto the topic of 2015 goals. I mentioned that this was one of mine, and one of my friends said, “Do you have a particular gender in mind for the person you want to have sex with?” I shrugged and said, “I just need to find them hot. That’s the only criteria.”)

2. Learn to get off in several different positions.

98% of the orgasms I’ve ever had in my life have happened while I was lying on my back with my legs slightly raised. It’s how I initially learned to get off so it’s always worked for me. But it can be inconvenient sometimes.

I’ve managed to come while sitting up (like on a chair while a partner kneels in front of me – oh swoon, I miss that, it was hot) and while sitting on someone’s face (definitely a lot easier if I can lean my weight on something, like the headboard of the bed) but it’s usually a lot of extra effort for me. So I’d like to practice getting off in various different positions until it starts to feel easier and more natural.

(Side note: I was inspired to take on this goal after going to see Canadian playwright Morris Panych’s latest play Sextet a few weeks ago. There is a character whose legs need to be above his penis – like, propped up on a wall – for him to reach orgasm. I won’t spoil it for you, but… comedy ensues. And it made me realize just how silly it is to limit myself to only one position!)

3. Get spanked.

This is one of those wishes I have to kind of release to the universe instead of trying to figure out how to make it happen. I don’t currently have any idea who I want to spank me or how I intend to get into a situation where this can take place. I just know that I want it, somehow, somewhere, some way.

I’ve done a fair bit of spanking play in previous relationships but now I want to try it with someone new. (Oh man. I got sexy chills just typing that.)

Interestingly, spanking also played a role in one of my 2013 goals, so apparently it’s something in which I have a keen interest…

4. Two big blog announcements.

Because I’m the queen of mystery (ha), I’m not going to tell you what they are… yet. But I have two big things planned for this blog in 2015. Both will require a lot of work and preparation, but it’s work that I am very excited about, which is the best kind!

What are your goals for 2015, sex-themed or otherwise? Got any tips for me as I pursue mine?