Monthly Faves

Monthly Favorites: Sasha, Siri, & Sherlock

Kate Sloan

Here are some of the things that got my rocks off most regularly in March… (Can you believe the springtime months are upon us at last?!)

Toys

• While cleaning my room, I stumbled upon my Sasha Grey black glass wand, which I’d totally forgotten about. It remained by my bedside for the rest of the month and I used it a lot. Glass toys are so easy to just “grab and go” – I rarely need to use lube with them, which I love. This one feels really good but isn’t mega-intense like some G-spot toys are, so it’s been a go-to for my casual/lazy masturbation sessions lately.

• Another old favorite I rediscovered this month: the NobEssence Fling. Just, ugh, fuck, this toy feels so damn good on my G-spot, and it has finger holes for easier thrusting, and it’s handmade out of gorgeous burgundy wood. Marry me, Fling.

• The Lelo Siri 2 was my clit’s right-hand man this month. Rumbly, waterproof, portable, and a comfortable shape and size. Yes, yes, yes. (One warning, though: I’m pretty sure the Siri is haunted by ghosts, a.k.a. has mechanical problems. Mine turned on by itself at full power one morning, blasting me awake and rendering me completely confused. Its lights blinked at me for no reason all day after that. But it still works fine when I actually want to use it, soooo…?!)

Fantasy fodder

• One of my favorite fanfiction writers, Kasuchi, posted a new Brooklyn Nine-Nine story with tags that included “porn without plot,” “cunnilingus,” and “Jake Peralta’s talented mouth,” so of course, I was all over that shit. I read it three times in one day and jerked off twice (which is a big deal for me – I’m still not very multi-orgasmic!), and then it continued to haunt my brain for the rest of the month. I’m actually getting kind of turned on just writing about this story right now. Uh, I might have a problem.

• This month I finally got around to watching BBC’s Sherlock, which is fucking brilliant, and I discovered (to my extreme glee, obviously) that the fanfiction culture/community around this show is rabid and highly creative. A Cure For Boredom is my favorite piece I’ve found so far. I stayed up til 3AM reading it the night before an important work-related meeting, so that should give you some indication of how enthralled I was with this story.

• I didn’t watch a whole lot of porn this month, but when I did, it was mostly clips of Heather from IDeepThroat. She’s an old-school favorite of mine, for reasons I really don’t understand (why am I so obsessed with blowjobs in porn but not IRL?! The world may never know!).

Et cetera

• Bathtime masturbation loomed large in my legend this month. Would you guys be into a post about designing your own sexual self-care practice? Because, FYI, mine is definitely a long hot bath with scented Epsom salts, a big glass of wine, and a selection of waterproof sex toys. Blissful sigh.

• This Spotify playlist served as the soundtrack for much of my self-lovin’ this month. I particularly love this Alina Baraz song. Amazing how a great slow-jam can get your hips rolling and your mind racing…

What were some of your favorite sex-related things this month? Products, fantasies, helpful accessories, whatever! I wanna hear about ‘em!

What I’m Into: Sexy Aliens

Kate Sloan

I don’t have time to write a proper post this week, so I thought I’d rant at you about sexy aliens instead. Good? Good.

One of my favorite movies, Kissing Jessica Stein, has a conversation in it that goes like this (transcript via):

Jessica: He just wasn’t funny, you know? That’s always been my problem, I think. Not smart or not funny. Or not smart and not funny. Or funny, but in a totally unappealing way – like funny-stupid or funny-dopey, rather than funny-witty, or funny-ironic or funny-goofy. Or, you think they’re smart, and then you realize that they’re not – and that’s funny. But funny-tragic. And then, if you’re lucky enough to find someone who’s the right kind of smart and the right kind of funny, usually they’re just… kinda…
Helen: Ugly?
Jessica: Ugly, exactly. Oh my god, is that awful?
Helen: No, not at all. Ugly doesn’t do it for you. That’s okay. See, me, I’m kinda into ugly… But only if it’s sexy-ugly.
Jessica: Sexy-ugly? Define.
Helen: I was gonna say Mick Jagger. He’s the big one. Oh, Lyle Lovett, um, James Woods, Harvey Keitel, he’s very sexy-ugly.

I have occasionally described someone as “sexy-ugly” since first hearing the term in that movie, but it feels mean. I don’t want to call someone ugly when I actually think they’re attractive, and it seems like the word “ugly” is so often used to mean “conventionally ugly” which I don’t think is a very useful concept.

So, the solution: I’ve been calling these people “sexy aliens” instead, which I think is a) more flattering and b) more accurate.

Right now I’m on a total Sherlock kick, not only because it’s a fucking great show but also because watching Benedict Cumberbatch do his thing is utterly transfixing. He is a total sexy alien. He’s clearly very handsome, with an intriguing face and a body that’s babely in that scrawny-shrimpy-gangly way I’m totally into, but he’s also weird-looking. He looks like he’s not quite of this earth. And I’m into it.

I’ve put some other examples of sexy aliens in the photo above. Lily Cole is a model who looks like a live-action Tim Burton character. Anjelica Huston rocked the shit out of many sexy-alien film roles, like Morticia Addams and Etheline Tenenbaum (and she also dated another notable sexy alien, Jack Nicholson). Tom Hiddleston was recommended to me by a friend when I mentioned I was going to write about this; I don’t know much about him yet but I know his face is equal parts appealing and distinctive, as is the sexy-alien way.

There’s a tendency for people to say they have “unconventional tastes” when they like faces like these – as if these people weren’t, you know, models and movie stars, and therefore obviously pretty damn attractive. But, that said, there is something very empowering about the proliferation of sexy aliens in the media. It makes us unconventionally attractive weirdos feel a little closer to glamor and perfection.

Andy Samberg’s big ol’ schnoz makes me feel better about mine. Christina Ricci’s major fivehead gives me confidence in mine. Adrien Brody’s power-brows make me want to rock mine a little thicker. Jessica Paré’s teeth are just fucking adorable.

Who are your favorite sexy aliens? I wanna hear all about ‘em.

What I’m Into: Sex as a Service

Kate Sloan

I think I’ve always had a thing for sexual servitude. I remember feverishly reading fanfiction as a young teen and experiencing a surge of arousal when words like “deftly” and “expertly” were used. Something about the idea of being skilfully, deliberately serviced was really appealing to my adolescent brain. And it still is.

The movie Hysteria fanned the flames for me. It’s hardly intended to be sexy, but Hugh Dancy as a doctor giving frustrated women “hysterical paroxysms” with his hand or a crude vibrator? Oh, swoon. Gimme some of that. (I know the whole idea of “female hysteria” is incredibly sexist and problematic. But, like Dylan Ryan says: your fantasy life is your fantasy life.)

Nowadays my fantasies often drift to service-related scenarios:

• The aforementioned hysteria doctors – dressed in full garb complete with lab coats and stethoscopes, of course – being perfectly on time for our appointment and dedicating several minutes of focused attention to bringing me to orgasm. Bonus points if there is a speculum involved.

• Hired escorts (male or female or sometimes one of each). In this fantasy I am typically a total pillow princess and just lay back while things are done to me. Maybe a domineering fuck while I’m sensory-deprived and tied up. Maybe a service-top scenario, where I’m only allowed to come when I’m told (but I will definitely come at some point). Maybe a long, slow massage with a happy ending. Hoooo boy.

• Rachel Kramer Bussel’s excellent story about a restaurant where women can receive oral sex from trained providers in a back room in between courses. (Dear RKB: Can we get together for cupcakes and an extended discussion of spanking and submission? Because I feel like we are totally on the same page about all of those things. Sincerely, GJ, your adoring fan.)

• A dutiful slaveboy who lives to please his mistress. Ideally one who prides himself on his stellar oral sex skills. I read a story (maybe in the anthology Tasting Her? which is also a Rachel Kramer Bussel publication?) where this male sub is so proud of his cunnilingual abilities that his domme decides to offer his services to a slew of other dommes at a sex conference party. Um. Sign me up.

Servitude is one of those strange fantasies that would never appeal to me in real life, at least not nearly as much as it does in my head. If I get the slightest inkling that my partner isn’t into what they’re doing or isn’t attracted to me, my arousal deflates like a punctured blow-up doll. I’m sure plenty of escorts, erotic masseuses and phone sex operators are skilled at creating the illusion of mutual enthusiasm, and I’m sure their customers love that, but I’m not sure I’d ever be able to relax enough to enjoy myself.

For now, though? I’m happy to fantasize about Dr. Hugh Dancy jerking me off under a medical blanket like he’s done it to hundreds of other women before me. Oh, doctor, you sure do know what you’re doing.

This post was made possible by the lovely folks at Babes of London! Kisses!

What I’m Into: Explicit Fanfiction

Kate Sloan

For as long as I can remember being on the internet, I’ve been a fanfiction reader.

It has a reputation as a genre that’s both trivial and terrible, especially now that the Fifty Shades of Grey origin story as a piece of Twilight fanfic is so widely known. But if you’ve spent any time at all in fanfic communities, you know that the stories can sometimes be brilliantly written, absolutely gripping, and – in some cases – smokin’ hot.

Books, movies, TV shows – these things all have limitations, in terms of the level of sexiness they’re allowed to portray. Sure, you’ll occasionally see full-on sex in the more risqué ones, but it’s rare. Romantic storylines in popular media are heavy on chemistry and light on action. And that can sometimes be frustrating.

So we, as fans, turn to each other for support in this regard. We write and/or read fan-generated stories about pairings both “canon” (i.e. sanctioned in the source material) and “non-canon.” When done well, erotic fanfiction picks up the ball right where the original media dropped it, giving closure and satisfaction to fans who just wanted to see those two characters get together, for fuck’s sake.

Here are some of my all-time favorite fanfiction pairings (all of which are heterosexual and most of which are canon, because I’m boring):

• Chuck Bass and Blair Waldorf from Gossip Girl. These two had a scintillating on-again-off-again thing on the actual show, complete with screen chemistry out the wazoo. But, being that GG was essentially a show for teenagers, we rarely got to see them fuck. There were constant hints that they experimented with kink and roleplaying, and those few scraps of information fanned the flames of fans’ writing. I’m particularly partial to stories where Chuck plays dom to Blair’s sub (even though these tales just make me even madder that Ed Westwick didn’t get cast as Christian Grey in the Fifty Shades movie). Try these: “Rules,” in which Chuck bosses Blair around, spanks her, etc. “Schadenfreude,” which is all about hate-fucking and has adequate anatomical understanding re: stuff like clits and G-spots (very important!). “Dirty Games,” in which Blair is the bossy one.

• Jessica Day and Nick Miller from New Girl. These two are such quirky goofballs and yet their chemistry is off the charts. Nick has the personality of a disgruntled old man and Jess is a sunny, bubbly optimist; their mutual attraction initially caught me off guard but now seems like the most natural thing in the world. It’s quite a feat when a fanfic writer can get these characters’ voices just right, but it does happen once in a while and it’s glorious when it does. Try these: “The First of Three Conversations,” in which Schmidt helps Jess peg Nick (which sounds weird but is instead weirdly hot). “You’re Gonna Lose Control,” in which Jess discovers her inner domme via her teaching skills. “Mistakes We Knew We Were Making,” which features laundry-room finger-fucking, among other things.

• Sheldon Cooper and Penny from The Big Bang Theory. (Penny has no last name…) Okay, I KNOW this is super weird, and I was just as surprised as you probably are when I first noticed how much Sheldon/Penny smut there is to be found online. But… there is something oddly enticing about it. He’s so awkward and inexperienced; she is so, well, the total opposite of that. The power dynamic is interesting, there’s often some sexual instructing in the stories (which totally fucking gets me going), and when the characters’ voices are right, it’s often funny as hell. Try these: “The Pickle Jar Experiment,” in which Penny awkwardly tries to teach Sheldon how to jerk off. “The Bathtub Interaction,” in which Penny comforts Sheldon while he’s sick and things get sexy. “The Sweet Vibrations Discovery,” in which Sheldon is “inspired” by the sex toys he finds under Penny’s bed.

• Jake Peralta and Amy Santiago from Brooklyn Nine-Nine. My current obsession, y’all. You would think that the “opposites attract” trope would have lost its charm by now, but nope – it still works. Peralta and Santiago are polar opposites: he’s goofy, immature, irresponsible, and rebellious, while she is buttoned-up, reliable, and does everything by the book. What they have in common is that they’re both NYPD detectives, courageous, strong-willed, and attracted to each other. What more do you need? Try these: “One Big Cliché,” in which Amy has a sex dream about Jake and it leads to real-life sex. “Clutching Your Pillow and Writhing in a Naked Sweat,” in which Jake and Amy have sneaky sex in the captain’s office. And… drumroll, please… “Jake Peralta, Master Cunnilinguist-Slash-Genius,” which I WROTE (!!) with the help of some Twitter hooligans who contributed language suggestions and moral support while I live-tweeted the writing process.

Who are your favorite fanfiction couples, and what would you like to see them do in a story?

What I’m Into: Glory Hole Porn

Kate Sloan

I’m trying out this new thing where I’m going to write semi-regular posts about “what I’m into.” Bex really hit the nail on the head with her tweet to me about it – it’s all about tracking how my sexuality and desires shift over time and giving you all a nosy little glimpse into my fantasy life. (Do you get nosy about that kind of stuff? I know I do…)

I have a proper porn review lined up for you and coming really soon, about a feminist porn site you’re going to love, but today I don’t have a lot of time to write so I wanted to briefly tell you about my other current porn obsession: glory holes. Specifically, amateur glory hole porn.

I think I’ve had a slight glory hole fascination ever since I first heard about them. Anonymity and oral servitude are two things that really appeal to me in fantasy-land, and those are also the two absolute mainstays of glory hole porn. You have no idea whose dick is poking through that hole; all you get to see is someone enthusiastically sucking it off, for the sheer pleasure of it.

I forget if I’ve told you before that I have a weird blowjob porn obsession. I’m calling it weird because it’s a porn preference that doesn’t translate to real life for me; I don’t like giving BJs all that much. I think they show up in the porn I watch because I empathize with the guy getting his dick sucked, not the fellator. I don’t have penis envy; it’s just that BJs are a lot more demonstrative and visual than cunnilingus. A good blowjob translates to video better than good pussy-licking.

My recent kick of watching glory hole porn started with this video, in which a “chubby fag” (so says the video title) blows a couple of guys through a glory hole while a saucy-sounding woman talks dirty to him from behind the camera. The juxtaposition of gay male sex with a female narrator is very strange, and yet I can’t deny that her ongoing commentary adds a little something to the overall effect.

After that, I fell down the rabbit hole of glory hole porn, so to speak. I watched this and this and this. And I consistently found it all really fucking hot.

The only thing that’s missing from this sort of porn, in my view, is reaction noises from the man being blown. Moans and grunts and growls are very important to my enjoyment of porn and it’s a slight ladyboner-killer for me when there aren’t any.

What are your thoughts on glory hole porn? What are you into right now?