The Cream of the (Riding) Crop: Which Toys I Brought When I Moved

Helping me pack for my move at the start of September, an old and dear friend was horrified when she saw the contents of my sex toys box. “That’s way too many,” she swore. “You can definitely pare that down.”

My eyes bulged. “Have you seen my entire sex toy collection?” I asked. “This is like 20 percent of it!” She saw my point. She dropped the issue. But I still saw her judgmentally eying that box from time to time.

She was right – I was bringing too many sex toys – but, to be fair, I was also right: when you’ve been a sex toy reviewer for five and a half years, you amass a big enough collection that someone else’s “way too many” becomes your “only a few.” While heavy enough to elicit a weakling’s grunt from my mouth every time I lifted it, that box marked “sex stuff” had been filled using logic and moderation. I’d avoided redundancy. “Do you really need two wand vibes?!” my friend asked incredulously, and I rolled my eyes because of course I did: one was rechargeable while the other was plug-in, one was rumblier while the other was buzzier, one was relatively lightweight while the other was heavy and ornate. I did not make these decisions lightly!

Here, then, is more-or-less the full list of toys I carted along with me to my new apartment, leaving the rest behind in boxes and bags at my parents’ house to be collected at a much later date…

Vibrators

I’m picky when it comes to vibes. They’ve gotta be rumbly, ergonomic, shaped suitably for my clit’s preferences, and minimally annoying to charge and use.

My “starting lineup” is an array of vibes I use frequently, that are up to the task of both turning me on and getting me off. I brought them all with me: my two We-Vibe Tangos, my Magic Wand Rechargeable and Doxy Die Cast, my Eroscillator 2 Top Deluxe, my ScreamingO Vooom, my Zumio, and my Swan Wand. These all fulfill different needs I have depending on my mood: some are pinpoint and some are broad, some come out guns a-blazin’ while some have subtler speeds, some are graceless power tools while some are precise implements of pleasure. Each one is an essential part of my collection.

Next, I added some vibes I’m only sometimes in the mood for. These cravings arise infrequently, but when they do, they must be heeded. These include the Satisfyer, Mona Wave, We-Vibe Nova, Stronic Eins, and Form 2.

Finally, I threw in a few vibes from my “to review” pile, since I need to have those on hand for Work Reasons and not just Wank Reasons. And that was that for my assortment of vibrators.

Dildos

This section of my collection was even easier to pare down, because my internal spots are less mercurial than my clit. They know what they like. A dildo is either a “yes,” a “meh,” or a “dear god no.” I brought along only the essentials from the “yes” pile.

Topping my list of must-haves were the Fucking Sculptures Double Trouble, Njoy Eleven, Standard Glass S-Curve, NobEssence Seduction, and Njoy Pure Wand. (You’ll notice that most of my faves are S-shaped and all are made of firm materials. I have a type!) Next I added other dils I occasionally crave, like the Tantus Tsunami, Vixen Mustang + LeoMaverick, Jopen Comet Wand, Fucking Sculptures Pussywillow and G-Spoon, and Godemiche Ambit.

Once again, this may seem like a lot, but each toy fulfills a different purpose and mood. And to be real with you, the S-Curve is the one I’ve used most since moving. I would’ve been okay if I’d just brought that one, but, well, I’m a dildo glutton.

Butt Stuff

I’m not much of an anal-play connoisseur, so there were only a few toys I wanted in my arse-enal: the Tantus Ryder and the Njoy Pure Plugs (sizes medium, large, and 2.0). There were a couple of to-be-reviewed plugs in the pile as well: the We-Vibe Ditto and the brand-new Hole Punch Butnik.

Lube

For my water-based needs, I packed a massive bottle of Sliquid Sassy and a smaller bottle of BabeLube Natural. For silicone-based, I threw in a few sample vials of Uberlube. And to round out my mélange, I brought one of my two containers of The Butters. I rarely use lube these days except with partners, so this’ll be plenty.

Kink Toys

Ah, now here’s where the decisions got hard again! I have soooo many kink toys – particularly impact implements – and wanted to only bring the best of the best.

First and easiest to decide upon were my under-the-bed restraints and the leather cuffs I use with them. Installing these on my bed was one of the first things I did when I got to my new place. (“Aww, that’s so cute!” my new and, notably, kinky roommate retorted when she saw the cuffs dangling from my bedframe.)

The next-most important thing was a blindfold; I use these all the time in various kinky scenarios, to help with sexual anxiety, and when I’m taking naps! Mine is a basic soft pink one I got years ago from god knows where.

For all my other bondage needs, I packed my Unicorn Collaborators Double Duty cuffs (I own one pair in black and one in seafoam green), Aslan Leather collars (one in pink and one in black), Stockroom chest harness, and Oddo Leather ballgag.

Impact toys were harder to decide on; I only brought my absolute favorites. Those included my Weal & Breech purpleheart paddle, Bad Ass Designs wooden truncheon, Miss Morgane pink suede flogger, Creative Kink aluminum cane and pink torquemada, KinkMachineWorks Billiard Banger and Lexan paddle, stone crop from Leather & Latte, and wooden cutting board from a Roman cooking shop. Those are the ones I actually love and use all the time, and/or like showing off when I have people over. Vital considerations!

Miscellaneous

I initially left both my blowjob mirror and pink leather harness at home, but ended up deciding I needed them, so now they’re with me in my new place.

I brought my enema in case of butt stuff, and my clit pump because it helps with arousal and is just a cool sensation that I can’t replicate with any of my other toys.

Finally, I toted along my Liberator Jaz, which lives under my bed except when I need to use it as either a sexual positioning aid or a makeshift laptop stand for Netflix marathons in bed.

This post was written in conjunction with other bloggers who moved around the same time as me: check out Sarah’s post hereWhat toys would you bring with you if you had resolved to only take the best of the best?

Nightstand Necessities: Chuck Bass

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Chuck Bass, of the long-gone masterful TV drama Gossip Girl, is an ethical mess of a character. He’s a rapist, for one thing, and arguably emotionally abusive. He’s a cutthroat businessman who sometimes makes cruel decisions to keep his bottom line afloat, he’s rude to his parents and step-parents, and he usually doesn’t even treat his closest friends with consideration or love.

None of this is excusable. But sexual fantasy exists beyond the plane of ethics. So, admittedly, Chuck Bass is one of my favorite fictional characters to fantasize about, read fanfic about, and make sexual speculations about. Here are some of my headcanons for what’s lurking in Chuck’s sex toy collection…

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90bacba99cc7382090344fd25458c19bLike Christian Grey, Chuck Bass has a “playroom,” though he would never be so churlish as to call it that: it’s his boudoir. It’s kitted out with a Liberator Esse chaise, which he uses in a wide variety of imaginative ways. However, despite his Grey-esque proclivities, he thinks Fifty Shades of Grey is pathetic trash, an opiate of the suburban kink-curious masses. The day he catches you reading it is the day you discover what it feels like to get repeatedly and aggressively spanked with a trade paperback.

He keeps an Njoy Eleven displayed elegantly on a sideboard in his bedroom, atop a charcoal-grey velvet Throe. When you’ve been very, very good, he has you fetch both for him, and he makes you squirt with deft, almost businesslike precision. Afterwards, he leaves both items outside his bedroom door for the maid to wash. She does this quickly and without asking questions.

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6fb3e739d60d97cedb668f5e9cb52b3dHe’s obsessed with gold-plated bedroom accoutrements, because he’s always got scads of cash burning a hole in his silk-lined pockets. He keeps a gold Eroscillator near the bed for use on beautiful visitors. Occasionally he mentions an interest in forced orgasm play – sometimes it’s a threat, sometimes a promise. One day he actually follows through, blindfolding you, then tying you to a rococo chair and the Eroscillator to you with black silk rope. He turns it to the top setting and sits back in his leather recliner with his fingers steepled, watching with quiet mirth as you squirm and scream.

He owns a gold-plated Lelo Earl prostate massager (he would never be so crass as to call it a “butt plug”). It was a celebratory gift he bought for himself when an important merger went through. You’ve come to know that when he wears the accompanying gold cufflinks out to dinner with you, it means he’s feeling libidinous. But he never lets you fuck him. You never dare to ask.

Travel Essentials For Sex-Savvy Babes

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Darlings, at the time that this post goes up, I will be zooming my way to Europe. My mum and I are spending two weeks there; it’s my first-ever trip across the ocean, and our first mother-daughter journey in a long time. The excitement is palpable!

As per always, I have fretted far too much about the contents of my suitcase. The anxious part of my brain thinks if I can perfect all the plannable details of my trip, that the rest of it will go smoothly as a matter of course. While it’s silly to think we can ever get anything perfect, packing for a trip is still a fun opportunity to stock up on travel essentials. Here are some of my top picks, for sex-nerdy babes comme moi who hope to have a bon voyage!

Dr. Bronner’s. This liquid soap is a cult classic for a reason. Made of primarily natural ingredients and gentle on the skin, it can be used to wash your face, genitals (the outside parts only, please), and sex toys, among other things. I bring the citrus-scented version with me on every trip, in lieu of separately bringing the face wash, vulva cleanser, and body wash I’d use at home. It’s an excellent multi-tasker; check out the company’s FAQ for a list of more possible uses.

Travel-friendly lube. A solid (and therefore mess-free) oil-based lube like Southern Butter is a super travel-friendly option. It’s a fantastic lube, but it can do other things too: my friend Caitlin says they use it as a moisturizer, lip balm, makeup remover, and hairstyling product. When suitcase space is at a premium, multi-use products are highly valuable. Southern Butter can’t be used with latex condoms, gloves, dental dams or finger cots, however, because oil breaks down latex – so if your away-from-home sexploits will involve barriers, go with samples of water-based lubes instead, like those in the Sliquid Lube Cube.

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A sex toy case. House of Plume sent me some of their sleek storage solutions, and I’m smitten. The Mini Moi sex toy storage case is my favorite. It’s a little zip-around case with elastic straps for (optionally) holding toys in place, a mesh pocket for condoms and other small items, and an antibacterial fabric to discourage germs. It’s too small for, say, a Hitachi or a Doxy, but it can fit an admirable amount of stuff: I once crammed my Double Trouble, Tango, Aslan cuffs, and several condoms into it for a sex date, and had no problem zipping it up. It even has a cute little handle!

A USB-rechargeable vibrator. These are brilliant for travel, because you don’t have to worry about bringing a separate adapter to plug your vibe in; you can just plug it into your computer. My favorites are the We-Vibe Tango and Lelo Mia 2. For travel, I’d lean toward the Mia, because it has a locking function so your vibe won’t come alive in your bag.

img_4319A bandana. Consult the hanky code and choose color(s) accordingly. Most people aren’t familiar with the code, so a hanky might not be all that useful in a flagging capacity (depending on where you’re traveling), but it’s still a good thing to have on hand. You can tie it to your suitcase to make it more recognizable on the luggage carousel, tie it around your head to hide messy/dirty hair, wear it knotted around your neck to ward off sunburn, or even fashion it into an impromptu bondage device. It’s a versatile item!

A hard condom case. Condoms are apt to get crushed if they’re just free-floatin’ around in your purse or your pocket, and crushed condoms do not make for relaxed, happy, safe sex. Protect your condoms as thoroughly as you can!

Comfortable underwear. Travel could make anyone grumpy – long lines, flight delays, bureaucratic processes, bah humbug! – but you’re apt to get especially grumpy if your junk is uncomfortable. Choose underwear that you know won’t chafe, slide around, dig in, or ride up. Ideally it should also be cute enough that if you were to meet a good-lookin’ stranger and abscond back to their place for naked fun, you would feel maximally adorable.

img_4322A sleeping mask. Not only are sleeping masks lovely for helping you snooze on planes and buses, but they can also be appropriated as blindfolds in the bedroom. (You could also use the aforementioned bandana for this, if the fabric is thick enough to keep light from getting through.)

Essential oils. As my aromatherapist friend reminds me, scents can have a huge effect on our state of mind and overall subjective well-being. If you think it would help, have an aromatherapist make you a blend, or make one yourself. Choose oils you love the scent of. For travel, I especially love lavender and peppermint: lavender is calming, so it helps me expunge the travel anxiety from my body and maybe get some sleep on the plane, while peppermint can help with motion sickness and the lethargy of jet lag. So yummy!

What are your must-haves when traveling?

Nightstand Necessities: Rosa Diaz

BROOKLYN NINE-NINE -- "Operation Broken Feather" Episode 116 -- Pictured: Stephanie Beatriz as Rosa Diaz -- (Photo by: Eddy Chen/NBC/NBCU Photo Bank via Getty Images)
BROOKLYN NINE-NINE — “Operation Broken Feather” Episode 116 — Pictured: Stephanie Beatriz as Rosa Diaz — (Photo by: Eddy Chen/NBC/NBCU Photo Bank via Getty Images)

Y’all know how much I love Brooklyn Nine-Nine, FOX’s goofy, racially diverse, and arguably quite feminist cop comedy. I unreservedly adore every single character on this damn show, but I must admit I have a favorite: Rosa Diaz. She’s a mystery, inside an enigma, wrapped in black leather.

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There are times when I doubt my sexual identity. I date and fuck men so predominantly that sometimes I wonder if my queer days are behind me. But then I watch Stephanie Beatriz dominate the screen as Rosa Diaz, and I think: Nope. Definitely still queer.

Nightstand Necessities is a new feature I’m launching here at Girly Juice, all about what I imagine is hiding in my favorite fictional characters’ bedside tables (or purses or pockets or sex toy chests, as the case may be). I could think of no better way to kick off this series than by writing about Rosa. My headcanons for her are plentiful and searing hot. Let’s get into it…

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Rosa definitely straps on. (A fanfic I wrote says so, so it must be true.) Her whole aesthetic is based around black leather, and of course that’s true of her boudoir accoutrements as well. She rocks a black Aslan Leather Jaguar harness, worn in to buttery perfection. You’ve come to associate the sound of metal buckles sliding against leather straps with the imminent hope of getting fucked, and the smell of leather reminds you of being face-down and throat-deep on her silicone cock. Naturally, this Pavlovian conditioning enables her to turn you on in public any time she wants, by getting close to you in one of her many leather jackets, zipping it tight, idly fondling the chrome hardware. She knows exactly what she’s doing, but when you call her out on it, she just sneers, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Her sharp-tongued bossiness extends to the bedroom. She calls you her dirty slut, her fucktoy, hers. She spanks you with her bare hands, leaving stingy welts from the wallops. She thinks impact implements are for wimps who don’t know how to hit – but she’ll occasionally whip out her hardcover copy of Howl and leave book-shaped bruises on your ass. You know she’s feeling especially mean when she slips her leather vampire gloves on and says, “Bend over. Now.” If you get too bratty, she puts a black glass ballgag in your mouth until she’s done with you – but she always checks in, softly muttering “Is that okay?” and waiting for your nod before she pushes you back down onto the bed.

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She bought you a Crave leather cuff bracelet and likes for you to always wear it when you’re going to be seeing her. (She’d like for you to wear it all the time – as a symbol of her owning you – but she hasn’t quite felt brave enough to have that conversation with you yet. One of her core beliefs is that emotions are sappy and dumb, so she’s not sure how to parse the imperious affection she feels for you.) The bracelet can be converted into bondage cuffs at a moment’s notice. She’s bought you beautiful jewelry, books, and other treasures, but the leather cuff is your favorite present she’s given you – because you know what it means, even if she doesn’t feel ready to tell you yet.

BROOKLYN NINE-NINE: Stephanie Beatriz. ©2014 Fox Broadcasting Co. CR: Scott Schafer/FOX
BROOKLYN NINE-NINE: Stephanie Beatriz. ©2014 Fox Broadcasting Co. CR: Scott Schafer/FOX

In bed, she’s normally stone, preferring to direct her energies onto your body rather than lie back and receive. But on the rare nights when she’s achy and exhausted from a long day at the precinct, she lets you use her favorite toys on her. You smear Sliquid Silver lube all over her red Fucking Sculptures Corkscrew dildo and slowly slide it into her, so careful and kind. She holds her black Doxy Die Cast to her clit with one hand, and with the other, strokes your hair and arms and face with a tenderness you rarely see in her. She looks so beautiful with her black curls fanned out against the pillow. “Faster,” she barks. “Harder.” You do your best to angle the Corkscrew against her G-spot, and she grunts the way she does when she’s tackling a perp in an alley. If you fuck her just right, hard and quick for as long as she needs, she comes with a resonant roar and squirts triumphantly on your hands, your arms, your face.

She watches as you slip the dildo out of her and into your mouth. You so rarely get to taste her; it’s a treat. The warmth in her face is rare, too, you reflect as she pets your hair and purrs, “You were so good for me, baby.”

3 Cute Sex Toys For My Inner “Little”

My sexuality has taken a strange turn. And it’s fantastic.

It all started in a university class late last year. While listening to a hot lawyer lecture about freedom of expression and the Information Act, I found my mind drifting. “You’ve been a very bad girl,” said lawyer-dude in my transient fantasy, before tossing me over his lap, lifting my skirt and giving me a stern spanking.

When my mind finally snapped back to reality, I wondered, What the hell was that? Spanking had always been a mild interest of mine, but never in those fantasies had I regressed in age or craved a scolding. This handsome suited gentleman had awakened a long-dormant sexual persona in me: the bratty little girl who’s cruisin’ for a (consensual) bruisin’.

The age-play episode of Why Are People Into That?! just fanned the flames of my curiosity. And when I realized I had always felt sexiest in pigtails and schoolgirl skirts, everything made even more sense.

 

One of the ways you can explore “little space” to see if it’s right for you is by incorporating it into your masturbation. That way, you can experience that mindset before deciding whether to share it with a partner. And one of the most fun ways to do that, obviously, is with toys.

Here, then, are three products from OohSexToys.com.au that make my inner little girl want to cross her legs tightly and wriggle around in her chair…

 

If you’re gonna make-believe you’re a bunny rabbit, you might as well do it with a sweet-ass butt plug. This one comes in either silver- or gold-tone stainless steel, and the (faux) fur tail looks delightfully soft and sensual. Finish off the look with some bunny ears and a spot of pink face-paint on your nose, and you’ll be all set for a little-girl-pretending-to-be-a-rabbit scene. (A roleplay inside a roleplay? Is this Sexception?!)

 

Not to get too gender-essentialist on you, but hot pink is traditionally the color for little girls. Or at least, wearing hot pink makes me feel pretty damn little, in a very sweet way. Luckily, one of my favorite vibrators of all time, the We-Vibe Tango, comes in this saucy hue. Tie your hair into pigtails with some matching pink ribbon, pull up your magenta nightgown and go to town on yourself, little one.

 

Little girls like pretty things, and this glass dildo is basically a stained-glass work of art you can fuck yourself with. Its 1.3″ diameter also makes it a believable choice if you’re roleplaying as someone tiny: I love massive toys as much as the next size queen but I think my inner little might be put off by them.

 

Have you ever tried age-play, by yourself or with a partner? Does it creep you out or turn you on (or both)?

 

This post was sponsored, but as always, all writing and opinions are my own!