Hey, can we talk about massages for a sec? They are a more powerful sexual and relational tool than most people realize.
“Massage porn” was one of Pornhub’s top-ten search terms last year. Journalist Maureen O’Connor posits that this is because “massage recipients look comfortable, which, for women in porn, is not always a given… The genre’s conventions simplify the viewing experience. All that remains is the dedicated depiction of successful female arousal and pleasure.”
I find massage soothing in porn for these reasons too, and they translate to my real-life enjoyment of massages as well. In a world which frames sex as a one-way escalator to orgasm, and which dismisses all other trajectories as sexual failures or not really sex at all, it’s soothing to touch or be touched in a way that is explicitly not designed to elicit orgasm.
Of course, there are lots of erotic massage types, and some of them do end in orgasm, or at least can. (I’ve had one such professional massage before, as you may recall!) But sometimes, specifically setting the boundary that a particular massage will be non-erotic, or non-orgasmic, can take massive pressure off both people.
Massage is a way to familiarize yourself with your partner’s body, or your own sensual responses. Too often, once we learn what gets our partner off, we over-focus on that to the exclusion of other fun things, and forget to keep exploring. Sex educator and Girl Sex 101 author Allison Moon recommends “research and development” nights – sex sessions specifically designated for traversing each other’s bodies and learning new ways to make each other feel good, free from the sometimes-burdensome expectation of orgasm – and massage can be like that, too. You can find that one spot behind their knee that makes them moan. You can unravel the tension from their thighs, their shoulders, their back. You can rediscover what it felt like to learn each other’s hotspots from scratch at the beginning.
Some of these benefits are accessible to you even if you don’t have a partner, or your partner is unwilling or unable to massage or be massaged by you. Getting a professional massage somewhere like Tantric Massage London can teach you a lot about your body, what it likes, and what it needs. And you’ll pick up new tricks that you can use when massaging future partners down the road.
With all that in mind, here are 3 quick tips for better sexy massages:
1. Lube, lube, lube. A good, slow, sensual massage typically requires some form of lubrication. Many people go with coconut oil, almond oil, and other natural oils, since they’re effective and usually non-irritating. Keep in mind, though, that if the massage descends into genital-town, you can’t rely on latex barriers for contraception or STI protection thereafter because the oil will break down the latex.
Silicone-based lube can work well if you want a product you can use for both massage and sexytimes, but a) it’s expensive, so you may not want to use it all over the body, and b) it won’t sink into skin, so you’ll need to shower afterward. Overall, probably your best bet is to use a standard massage oil for the massage itself and then switch to a lubricant designed for sex if things go in that direction.
2. Leave your expectations at the door. As the giving partner, you might want to see visible signs of your partner’s enjoyment: sighing, moaning, smiling, melting into the bed, getting turned on/wet/hard, etc. But that largely defeats the purpose of a relaxing massage. You should be prepared for any reactions you might get from your partner, including “none,” and you should let them know they’re free to relax and respond however their body wants to.
Likewise, as someone receiving a massage, try not to get in your head about how you “should” respond to it. It’s okay if you don’t get turned on, or if you do. It’s okay that all the attention is on you for a while: that’s the point! It’s okay if you can’t silence your mind in a Zen manner immediately; that shit takes practice. It’s okay if you get emotional, or if you feel nothing in particular. Try not to judge yourself; just focus on what you’re feeling, to the best of your ability.
3. Massages can be kinky. I’ve often likened rhythmic, thuddy spankings to massages, because they give me the same feeling of endorphin-y bliss via exertion. If the receiving partner of a massage is into pain, perhaps the giving partner could ask for permission in advance to work that proclivity into their massage. Spanking, punching, scratching, and pinching can all be fun additions to a standard massage.
This post was sponsored by the folks at Xmassage – Erotic Massage Directory UK. As always, all writing and opinions are my own!