Dude, What the Fuck, This Blog is 3 Years Old Today

Kate Sloan

Oh gosh. My baby blog turns three today. I think I might cry.

When I started this blog, I was 19 years old and had only recently recovered from a crippling fear of penises. I was taking a year off between high school and university, and had very little idea of what I wanted to do with my life. All I really knew was that I loved writing about sex and had a lot of thoughts to share on that topic – plus I liked the thought of getting free sex toys – so starting a blog seemed to make sense.

At first it was just a casual side project, a labor of love. My boyfriend at the time was very encouraging and let me write about our sex life as much as I wanted, god bless him. He even tested out weird couples’ sex toys with me. This blog probably wouldn’t be here if not for him, so he deserves a shout-out, even though we broke up more than 6 months ago and I haven’t spoken to him since. (Sad trombone!)

After a couple months of blogging, my sex toy collection had grown to 25 toys. It’s now up around 150 somewhere – I don’t have the time or energy to count, to be honest with you!

I think my feminism has evolved a lot since I started this blog. It was always my goal to approach my writing from a sex-positive feminist perspective, but that’s an ongoing process and transformation and I never have been (and never will be) perfect at it. I think I’m more inclusive of trans and non-binary folks in my writing now, for example. (Well, I hope! Please call me out if I’m not.)

I also think I’ve become a way better writer! Six months after starting my blog, I headed off to journalism school, where I’m now in my third year. Granted, news briefs and feature articles are quite different in tone (and usually content) than the sorts of things I write on my blog, but I think they all feed into each other in one way or another. The more you write (and read, and edit, and draft, and re-draft), the better you get at it. What I know for sure: some of my old posts make me cringe, but I’m generally proud of the ones I rattle off these days!

I also notice that my anonymity isn’t as crucial to me now as it was back then. Of course, I still use a pseudonym, don’t show my face, and keep my GJ identity separate from my “real-life” identity online, but it no longer stirs up a desperate fear in me to imagine that I might be “found out.” Almost everyone in my life knows I’m a sex blogger and most of them have seen the site – and in turn, some of the folks in the sex blogosphere know who I am IRL (including Reenie who I actually visited and hung out with last month!). I still intend to keep my two identities separate to protect myself (openly sexual women are still shamed and devalued in a lot of ways in our society, unfortunately), but I don’t have anxiety about it anymore.

I’m very proud of the work I’ve done, both on this blog and on my overall self-improvement. And I want you to know that I’m in this for the long haul. I’ll be writing about sex until my brain turns to mush or my fingers are too arthritis-gnarled to form words on a keyboard.

I love you so much for being a part of my social sphere, and for reading my silly musings. Thanks so much for sticking with me and contributing to this space that means so much to me.

xoxoxox GJ

You Do Not Have to Be “Fuckable” to Be Valuable

Kate Sloan

(Quick note: this post deals with body image, weight, food, exercise, and insecurity. If those topics are triggering or troublesome for you, I encourage you to skip this post. Take care of yourself!)

I’ve been struggling with body stuff a lot lately, and it’s not fun. Counting my calories alternately seems to keep me sane or make me want to tear all my hair out. Looking at my naked body in the mirror feels unbearable some days and totally neutral on other days. My feelings toward food oscillate from toxic resentment to pure sensual love. It’s… confusing.

When I have feelings that trouble me, on any subject, I always do my best to get to the root of them – to figure out where they’re coming from and what can be done about them. Like most people (especially most women), my relationship to food and exercise is about so much more than just food and exercise: it’s about gender, and self-worth, and past emotional traumas, and bone-deep insecurities. So there’s a lot of excavating to do if I want to work it all out. But I think I came up with an important insight recently, and I’d like to share it with you.

Women are socialized to understand our beauty as our most important feature. More important than our intelligence, humor, interests, professional pursuits, or even our sexual talents, our beauty is supposed to be our ongoing project and most crucial prize. Our total value as human beings is ascribed to our appearance, and that does a lot of damage.

I have internalized the idea that not only am I required to be beautiful (meaning: conventionally pretty and thin), but I am required to be beautiful all the time. Just look at the beginning of practically any fictional hetero romance: whether it takes place in a cheesy rom-com, a staid period drama, or a twisted YA novel, the “meet-cute” typically hinges on the woman looking pretty and the man noticing.

I’m an avid consumer of romantic storylines, so it’s no surprise that this trope got so deep into my head, I guess. But it sucks, because now I go through life with the sinking feeling that any moment spent looking less than beautiful is a moment wasted, an opportunity squandered. As much as my higher intellectual self tries to squash this irrational feeling, some part of me is still constantly wondering if the lover of my dreams is somewhere in my vicinity, and if, were they to see me right now, they’d be interested or just walk right by me.

It instills a scary desperation, a constant uncertainty. The last thing I ate becomes a statement on my entire morality. The time elapsed since my last workout defines what kind of love I deserve. My ability to attract the attention of some handsome suitor becomes the single most important measurement of my value as a human being.

Of course, I know this isn’t really true. I know there is more to me than my face and my body. I even know that I’m capable of love no matter what size I am, because I’ve dated at my fattest and at my thinnest and no one has ever run screaming out of the room at the sight of my naked body. Far from it: I’ve had my curves praised, lusted after, worshiped.

But I’m single now, and shy, and anxious, so the worries creep in. And the result has become all too clear in recent months: food has lost its joy for me, because it mostly makes me feel guilty; I exercise out of obligation instead of genuine desire; and my guard is always up when I’m out. What do these people think of me? Do I look good enough to be in public right now? Am I performing “beautiful femininity” well enough?

Well, fuck that shit. I am valuable whether or not I’m “fuckable” and so are you. No matter how much your silly brain might try to trip you up, the fact is that different people are attracted to different things and so if your hygiene is acceptable and you’re a basically pleasant person to be around, someone out there will be into you. Promise.

But, beyond that, it also has to be said that being loved romantically is not the most important thing in the universe. Sometimes I get so caught up in desperate romantic wishes that I forget about the love I already have in my life: family, friends, passions, excitements, even my love for myself (which does exist, somewhere under all the layers of self-criticism).

Sometimes I watch the way men interact, and the kinds of things they talk about, and I realize that men are valued – and value themselves – for who they are and what they do, not what kind of mate they can or cannot attract. I need to reject the patriarchal paradigm which says I am only as valuable as the number of dudes who want to get in my pants. I do so much cool shit and I am so smart, funny, kind, clever and delightful. That should be enough. That is enough.

It’s still a daily struggle to figure out how to live comfortably in my body without upsetting my mind (or vice versa), but these revelations have been helpful to me. I breathe a little easier knowing my fears are unfounded and silly.

Have you battled similar thoughts and concerns around body image or romantic/sexual desirability? How did/do you deal?

10 Reasons Everyone Should Own a Magic Wand

Kate Sloan

It’s strange when a legendary entity changes its name. It’s like that horrible moment in 2008 when I thought I was going to have to start calling Beyoncé “Sasha Fierce.” I mean… she’s Beyoncé. Come on.

That’s how I felt when one of the most famous sex toys in the known universe had its name changed from the Hitachi Magic Wand to simply the Magic Wand.

Of course, I still call it “the Hitachi” around other sex toy geeks. Just like how Prince’s friends probably still called him Prince even when he was using an unpronounceable symbol as his moniker. “Whatever, Prince,” they probably said to him before leaping into his swimming pool full of purple beachballs, or whatever the hell Prince’s friends do when they visit his house.

Anyway… Here are 10 reasons why owning a Hitachi – excuse me, Magic Wand – is imperative to your existence, regardless of what genitals you have or what kind of person you tend to fuck.

1. Let’s face it: it will probably make you come. This, of course, is why it’s endured as a sex toy legend for as long as it has: it simply creates more sensation than almost every other vibrator on the market. It’s ridiculously, appallingly strong. Hold it on your clit or your cock or maybe even your inner thigh or perineum or buttcheek and it’s quite likely you’ll get off in short order, or at least get quite turned on.

2. Clothing removal is not required. How many of your sex toys can you say that about? I can’t count the number of times I’ve whipped out my Magic Wand simply because I was too lazy to take off my pants, and it’s worked. It feels futuristic, ultra-convenient, too good to be true: an orgasm machine that causes minimal inconvenience. Yes, please.

3. It soothes sore muscles. Oh yeah, this is actually what it was designed to do. The quest for orgasm has led to the Magic Wand’s original purpose being bastardized, to the point that Hitachi divested itself of the property – but that doesn’t mean you can’t kick it old-school and use your Magic Wand on your actual, non-sexual muscles. Press it to your back, shoulders, neck, whatever, and feel the tension dissolve. Mmm.

4. It is the bomb dot com for period pains. I am using the phrase “period pains” in the most general sense here. Got cramps? Press the Magic Wand against your womb area until that clenching hellfire numbs out a little. Got overall aches and pains because periods are fucking miserable? Ditto: put the wand where you need it. Feel lethargic, sad, deadened, or otherwise in need of a mid-period pick-me-up? Wring an orgasm or two out of the wand and I am 87% sure you’ll feel better when you’re done. The Magic Wand is basically one big fuck-you to periods, which, hell yeah.

5. You can use it around the world. Well, anywhere there are working outlets, that is. Grab an outlet adaptor for wherever you’re visiting, or if you’re Europe-bound, pick up the UK version of the wand before you go. The wand may not be a suitcase space-saver, but if a customs agent rips apart your bag and lobs nosy questions at you in the security line, you can calmly tell him that the white and blue monster is for your “neck pain.” Haters gonna hate.

6. It’s basically a white noise machine. Okay, I’m not advocating that you leave your wand running all night while you sleep, unless fire hazards turn you on (no, seriously, don’t do this). But I am saying that if you ever feel weird about moaning into a silent room, the Magic Wand can sorta help with that. It gives you a baseline buzz to layer your sounds on top of, so you might feel a little more comfortable letting loose.

7. It breathes new life into non-vibrating toys. Should you ever get bored with a dildo or butt plug, or just want a little more stimulation, hold the head of the wand to the base of the toy while it’s inside you or your partner. Instant tooth-chattering rumbly action. You can even angle the wand in such a way that it stimulates the clit/balls/perineum while making the internal toy tremble, and that is a wondrous combo of sensations, lemme tell ya.

8. It is the forced orgasm prop. If your partner has a forced orgasm kink, there’s pretty much no better way to fulfill it than to tie them up and hold or strap a Magic Wand to their genitals until they’re begging for mercy. (Just make sure to remind them that they might need to yell their safeword a little louder than usual, should the session go that way. The wand takes up a fair bit of sonic real estate.)

9. It works well for medical play, too. I can see it now: your partner puts your legs in stirrups, murmurs “Now just relax, this is a totally routine examination,” snaps some latex gloves onto their hands, and lays out on the table in front of you: a bottle of lube, a speculum, and a Magic Wand. Uh, fuck yes. Sign me up.

10. It just might make you squirt. Legendary ejaculator Shannon Bell has been known to squirt with the assistance of a Magic Wand and an accompanying G-spot attachment. If your pressure-based attempts at female ejaculation have fallen flat, maybe jackhammer-esque vibration is the ticket instead. May as well give it a shot!

What’s your favorite way to use a Magic Wand?

This post was made possible by the lovely folks at MaxiWand.com!

Sex Blogging Secrets, Part 4: Monetization

Kate Sloan

It still makes my head spin that you can earn money from blogging. I mean, it makes perfect sense – it’s work, and under capitalism, we exchange work for money! – but it’s still so exciting to me that I constructed this little corner of the internet myself, according to my own rules and interests and quirks and experiences, and people will now pay me to write the kind of stuff I like writing anyway. Oh, joy!

If you haven’t already, check out the previous parts of this series: so far we’ve learned how to start a blog, create good content, and build a readership. Today we’re talking about MONEY!

Stuff to keep in mind

First off: you deserve to be paid for your work, provided that your work is good and provides value to someone. Don’t let anyone tell you differently.

That said, that doesn’t mean you’re going to earn money instantly from your brand-new blog, even if you’re the best writer in the world. Blogging is an oversaturated game and tons of people are trying to make a buck from it; you will have an advantage over the majority of those people if you stick it out and maintain your blog past that initial honeymoon phase when it feels easy, but it will still probably take a while for you to make any significant money from your blog. If that disheartens you, quit now and go do something else – because you’ll just get frustrated and end up quitting anyway!

Affiliate marketing

Probably the first monetization avenue you should look into when you start your blog is affiliate marketing. You can start doing it right away, from your very first post, if you want. It doesn’t rely on having a large readership or a ton of SEO cachet.

Affiliate marketing is where you sign up for an affiliate account at a company (say, Lelo or SheVibe) and then you use special links that are unique to you, so that if someone buys a product through your links, you’ll earn a small percentage of that sale (usually somewhere between 10% and 30%).

Almost all the money my blog brought in during its first year was via affiliate links. I used them not only on my blog but also on message boards, subreddits, etc. where I was offering sex toy recommendations. (Check the community rules before doing this; some communities have strict anti-affiliate regulations in place and consider these links to be spammy.)

Are affiliates all liars?

When I explain how I make money to my non-blogger friends, they’ll often ask some variation of, “But what if you don’t like a toy you’re reviewing? Don’t you have an incentive to review it positively if you earn commissions for each sale?”

It depends on your ethics, of course. But for me, my integrity and my readers’ trust is more important to me than making quick cash. If I don’t like a toy, I say that. And then I recommend a similar one I like better. That way I still might earn commissions, and my review also ends up being more helpful to my readers anyway because it gives them purchasing options.

If you’re doing any kind of affiliate marketing or sponsored content on your blog, you should also have a disclosure notice on your site somewhere. It’s only fair to your readers, and it’s also what you’re technically required to do by the Federal Trade Commission.

Advertising

I don’t actively pursue advertisers, and I never really have. When my blog started to get somewhat popular, advertisers began emailing me. You’re welcome to take a more active approach than I did, by sending out emails to companies you think might want to advertise on your blog, but you should be aware that you need to have fairly decent traffic for ads to be a worthwhile investment for any company.

Start keeping a stat counter on your blog ASAP so you’ll have traffic numbers to show potential advertisers.

Also decide what kinds of ads you want to offer. Sidebar ads are easy because most blog layouts have a sidebar and those ads don’t usually distract from your blog content too much. If you’re offering text ads, how long will you allow the text to be, and where will those ads be placed in the sidebar? If you’re offering banner ads, what size(s) of banners will be acceptable to you, where will you put them, and will different sizes and placements have different costs? Work this all out in advance and write up a quick little template containing all this information so you don’t waste time typing it out every time an advertiser emails you.

As your blog grows, you’ll need a way to remember who bought what type of advertising, how long each ad needs to run, etc. I know bloggers who use Google Calendar, Excel spreadsheets, and various other methods. Personally I just write the removal dates in my calendar app and I hold onto all my email exchanges with advertisers incase I need to check/verify anything later on.

On the topic of what to charge: I still find this confusing, and I quite often consult with fellow bloggers (privately) about what they charge, to help me decide. I recommend you do this as well, taking care to ask people whose blogs are of a similar size to yours or have been in the past. But overall, I think you should charge a bit more than the minimum you’d feel comfortable charging, whatever that may be. If an advertiser is willing to pay, they’re generally willing to pay fairly.

Sponsored content

Some bloggers write posts on their blogs or on social media that are “sponsored,” meaning someone has paid them to write those posts, usually so that the blogger will include links to the company in the post.

You don’t have to do sponsored content. Some bloggers feel it would compromise their blog’s integrity to do this kind of work, and that’s fine. Personally, I occasionally do sponsored posts, with the caveats that:

• I write them myself (I never publish content provided to me by a company)

• I write them in the typical style and voice of my blog (no promotional bullshit)

• I write what I honestly think (I won’t give a positive review to a product I hated or haven’t even tried)

• I only write sponsored content for companies whose ethics I’m okay with (nothing homophobic, transphobic, racist, etc., and no body-unsafe toys)

• I always disclose if a post is sponsored, as per FCC guidelines (some companies try to argue with me about this, which has led to many a deal being canceled, but it’s a rule I don’t budge on)

However you choose to do sponsored content (if you do), I recommend being totally open with your readers about your process and your real feelings on the subject. You’ll lose their trust very quickly if you do sponsored posts that feel like sales pitches for companies you don’t even actually support. Choose these projects carefully and be entirely forthcoming with both your advertisers and your readers about your sponsorship ethics!

What are your thoughts on blog monetization? Are there methods you love? Methods that make your skin crawl? How do you decide what to charge? Do you think “blogger” has become a viable and profitable career path?

It’s Good Luck to Cram Your Orifices With Tantus

Kate Sloan

Superstitious about Friday the 13th? No worries – today’s destined to bring good news, not bad. I know that because Tantus is running a buy-one-get-one-50%-off sale on dildos, vibrators and plugs. What could be better luck than that?!

Incase you need some help deciding what tantalizing Tantus duo to stick in your holes cart, I’ve put together some possible combos for ya. I’m a bit of a self-styled Tantus expert, after all.

Beginner combo: Charmer + Little Flirt

If you’re looking to ease into penetration – whether anal and vaginal or just anal – this duo will help you through it. And far from being boring, these toys will keep on feeling good even when you’re more experienced down the line.

Size Queen combo: Max O2 + Raptor XL

These toys are about the best you can get in the “stuff yourself with massive realistic cocks” category. Both of these dildos are long and thick, but because Max is dual-density and the Raptor isn’t, you’ll get a good variety of sensations.

Texture Slut combo: Splash + Flex

If your genitals like a lotttt of sensation, you need some mega-textured silicone, stat. These toys are some of Tantus’ most unique offerings and their sensation can best be described as whoa whoa whoa.

One For Now, One For Later combo: Slow Drive Long + G-Spot

Whether you’re targeting a G-spot or a prostate, these toys will find the spot quickly and then stimulate the fuck out of it (trust me). If the Slow Drive starts to feel too small or not intense enough, switch to the G-Spot. They make a great pair that way!

Head on over to the Tantus website to put together your own combo package. The BOGO50% sale only goes until Sunday night, so stock up quick!