I spend a lot of time on the Sex forum on Reddit, so I read a lot of posts from frustrated virgins who are afraid that they’ll never get laid. One of their more pervasive fears is that it will be immediately obvious to their first partner that they are a virgin, because of their unpolished technique. They live in terror of being humiliated by a partner who judges them for their abilities or lack thereof.
I have been there myself. While struggling with a prohibitive fear of giving blowjobs at the age of 18, I sincerely worried I would never get into a healthy, happy relationship, because I was mostly attracted to cis men romantically but had no idea what to do with their junk, which I assumed would be a dealbreaker for almost all of them. I imagine this fear is even more pronounced for men with little experience, since our culture too often paints heterosexual sex as men’s responsibility to manage from start to finish, whereas it’s considered more acceptable for women to lie back and have things done to them. (I’m not saying that’s how it should be, but for many people, it’s how it is.) It’s no wonder that these men are so terrified of having poor sexual technique; they’ve been told that their skill level will be the main deciding factor for whether the sex they have is good or not, both for themselves and for their partner(s).
The advice I always give these guys is some version of the following: your attitude matters way more than your technique, and your attitude is what will actually allow you to develop good technique. What should your attitude be, going into a first-time sexual encounter (or, frankly, any sexual encounter)? I think it should be centered around the desire to listen to your partner, pay attention to their reactions, communicate, explore, experiment, and have fun. And you do not have to be some kind of sex god to do any of that. You just have to be attentive and enthusiastic, and you have to care. I already know that these guys are all of those things, because they care enough about sex and have enough enthusiasm about it to wonder how to get good at it, and they’re (usually) attentive to the answers they receive on their posts. The part that they’re missing is the “relax and have fun” part, but that gets easier with time.
Technique-wise, there is definitely a lot you can learn before you ever have sex with another person. You can read articles online about the clitoris, the G-spot, or whatever other parts you’re interested in pleasing. You can study anatomical diagrams like you’re memorizing a map before a road trip. You can read books on sexual technique, like She Comes First and Becoming Cliterate. You can check out instructional websites that focus on sexual technique, like OMGYes or https://www.thepleasurekeys.com. You can practice on your own body, because even if you have different anatomy from the people you’re predominantly attracted to, genitals are all analogous to one another and share plenty of commonalities.
It’s crucial to remember, though, that all the technique-based knowledge in the world is no substitute for asking your partner what they like. Few things frustrate me more than men who keep doing a thing I’ve repeatedly told them doesn’t feel good for me, because their ex-girlfriend liked it, or they read about it in a magazine or something. While it’s always possible that you could introduce someone to sensations they never knew their body could feel, generally your partner will be the world’s leading authority on what feels good for them and what gets them off. To ignore their feedback is to ignore the most useful sexual advice you’ll ever receive.
Given the choice between a partner with well-practiced sexual technique but a shitty attitude, or a partner with an excellently open-minded attitude but no technique to speak of, I would choose the partner with the good attitude almost every time. (I say “almost” because hey, we all make choices that aren’t in our best interest sometimes!) If someone is communicative, kind, generous, attentive, and enthusiastic, you can pretty much teach them whatever sexual skills you want them to learn. It may take practice before they get the hang of it – it usually does – but once they figure it out, they will be leaps and bounds ahead of that douchebag who claims to be a killer cunnilinguist but actually just keeps doing that tongue-flicky thing you told them you hate.
So if you’re reading this and feeling inadequate because you lack sexual experience, just know that your attitude will take you farther than anything else. I’d much rather the face between my legs be looking up at me with cheerful curiosity than with smug certainty. That way, we can discover new pleasures together.
This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.