Let’s Talk About Jeans Bondage

These Madewell jeans are the tightest ones I own, to the point that a man once shouted “Those pants are too tight” at me while I was wearing them on the street.

I got an unusual request in my inbox a few weeks ago. A reader wanted to pay me to write about her fetish.

The few times that this has happened to me before, usually it’s been because the person essentially wanted custom erotica. But this was different – this person said she wanted me to write something she could link to as a reference as needed, because there was hardly any information on the internet about her particular kink. I was intrigued.

What was the kink? JEANS BONDAGE. I know, I know, you’ve got questions. Well, lucky for you, I’ve got answers. I interviewed this reader of mine via email about how she does what she does. Buckle up! (Or button up, as the case may be…)

 

What is jeans bondage?

When I heard this phrase, initially I pictured someone being tied down using jeans as rope… but that’s not what my reader meant. She explained that when she says “jeans bondage,” what she means is wearing very tight jeans (or being forced to wear very tight jeans) to induce a feeling of helplessness and restricted movement, as with any other form of bondage.

In my reader’s case specifically, she is most often the dominant person in her relationship with her husband, so she is mostly the person consensually “forcing” him to wear tight jeans for her pleasure, although they do occasionally switch.

She relayed to me that this kink originally started for them because she’d always loved the way her husband looks in skinny jeans. (As someone whose spouse looks terrific in skinny jeans, I can relate.) Eventually she began commanding him to wear his jeans around the house sometimes, for her pleasure – and then he started also wearing tight jeans to bed and even overnight at her behest, as they both liked the texture of denim against their skin as they cuddled and slept. From there, it developed into a kink that they enjoy playing with together.

 

What do you do once the jeans are on?

Theoretically you could do pretty much anything that does not involve having access to the jeans-wearer’s bare lower half. Whatever your favorite kinks are, you can probably do them while wearing tight jeans.

But also, my reader told me that she and her husband like to have sex while he’s in his jeans. And not just sex acts that would be possible either way, like him giving oral, but penetrative intercourse. I asked her how she managed this and she said that usually they pull the jeans down just far enough that his penis becomes accessible, and do it that way. She mentioned, too, that her husband’s erections are stronger and last longer when he’s wearing tight jeans; I imagine that this might have to do with the restriction around the area, particularly when the jeans are tugged down to just below his penis, where they might have a slightly constrictive effect on the base of the penis, similar to a cock ring.

There is potentially significant overlap between jeans bondage and chastity play. My reader told me that she and her husband incorporate sex into jeans bondage in two main ways: either no sexual stimulation is allowed until the jeans are at least partly removed (which is only done with the dom’s permission), or the jeans must be put back on immediately after sex is over. Tight jeans can act as a makeshift chastity cage of sorts – or, if you’re actually wearing a chastity cage, tight jeans make that somewhat obvious, which could be fun for erotic humiliation purposes.

 

Is any special equipment required?

Nope, aside from the jeans themselves! My reader told me that she and her husband each own about 12 different pairs of jeans, and that their criteria for “bondage jeans” are different than their criteria for “regular jeans.” She told me they usually buy at least a size tighter than they normally would when shopping with jeans bondage in mind, because the main goal is to restrict movement, especially bending of the knees.

I asked her if the two of them had specific jeans preferences beyond sizing, and she said that they prefer jeans made of denim that is as inflexible as possible. Levi’s and Wranglers are some of her faves. I wonder if something even more rigid, like raw Japanese denim, would be even better.

You’re welcome for these photos, btw.

Are there safety issues to consider?

There’s the basic stuff you’d consider when shopping for jeans in general. Does the material irritate your skin? Is it so tight that it cuts off circulation? Obviously these issues are best avoided if possible. Same as with any other type of bondage, you want something tight enough to give you the desired effect, arousal-wise, but not so tight as to cause medical issues, even when worn for many hours at a time. If you do feel any telltale tingling or other signs of something gone awry, take the jeans off immediately – and keep some safety shears nearby incase you ever have any trouble removing the jeans and need to take them off in a hurry.

My reader also noted that her husband tends to prefer jeans with a button fly over those with a zipper, because when wearing jeans sans underwear (as he does most often during this type of play), it’s easier to accidentally injure your penis with a zipper than with buttons. Good to know!

I’ll also say, I could see it becoming a health risk if someone with a vulva was wearing very tight jeans for extended periods of time without taking them off, changing them, or at least rinsing the genital area. Sounds like a recipe for some kind of infection. With regards to hygiene concerns more generally, my reader told me that her husband generally showers the morning after a play session and then changes into a fresh pair of jeans if they plan to continue playing.

 

What are the benefits and drawbacks of this type of bondage over other types?

Well, for one thing, you probably already own a pair of jeans, or can pick one up cheaply at a thrift store or fast-fashion shop. In that way, this kink is fairly low-cost to play with.

I imagine that folks doing jeans bondage often enough would have to do a lot of laundry on a regular basis. My reader told me that her husband does sometimes come in his jeans as part of their play, and that sometimes she even demands he wear his cum-soaked jeans overnight to emphasize the consensual discomfort (hot, tbh!), but that he always gets to change into a new pair after showering the next morning.

This is a potentially more directly sexually stimulating type of bondage than lots of other kinds, especially for folks with penises. My reader explained that the constant pressure/tightness/friction of jeans against her husband’s junk is a fun way that they play with edging and teasing together.

Not everyone can physically wear tight jeans, and there are also people who may not want to wear jeans because of how it interacts with their sensory issues or similar. Some folks could also potentially struggle with jeans for gender reasons, in which case they might prefer to do this type of play with tight leggings, a corset, or any other restrictive garment that feels gender-affirming.

 

Is there porn that depicts this kink?

My reader told me that she hasn’t been able to find much of anything about it. Indie porn creators, maybe there’s a niche to be filled here! (I will also add that, for pretty much any niche fetish, the best way to get the porn of your dreams is to pay a content creator to make a custom clip just for you.)

In the past, I have sometimes seen “jeans fetish” videos that depicted people looking hot in jeans, often tight jeans, but this seemed to be more about fetishization of the clothing than the restriction it provides. I’ve also seen people wear jeans in porn focused on omorashi (a fetish for seeing people wet themselves or deal with the discomfort of having a full bladder), but, again, that’s not quite the same thing as jeans bondage.

If you know of any niche content focusing on this kink, feel free to link to it in the comments or email me about it!

 

If you want to try jeans bondage for the first time, what do you need to know? (Aside from everything else I’ve written above, that is!)

When I asked my reader this question, knowing that folks might read this post and get curious, there were a few main points she wanted to emphasize.

First of all, she feels it’s crucial that if you’re the dom in a jeans bondage scenario, you must compliment your sub profusely and frequently on how good they look in jeans, how sexy you find them in jeans, etc. This, she said, makes it easier for them to endure the discomfort of wearing tight jeans for extended periods. I totally agree, and this is a piece of advice I give often on my podcast and blog: if you want your partner to do something more often, you gotta compliment them when they do it well (or, in some cases, do it at all).

She advised that beginners “start small,” by initially using jeans that aren’t super tight, and working your way up from there if you want to. Again, really solid advice for any kink – jumping straight into the deep end is usually a bad idea, not least because it can scare you off something you otherwise might have learned to enjoy greatly.

She suggested that you agree in advance on how long the jeans will remain on before being removed, so that the parameters will be clear to both/all participants. My reader noted that she and her husband don’t use safewords but instead just decide the duration of their scene in advance, e.g. you can take the jeans off when the alarm rings in the morning. Personally I am always in favor of having safewords in place, but if you eroticize playing without safewords, please please please watch this video from Princess Kelley May about how to play without safewords in the safest ways possible.

 

Have you ever done (or thought about doing) anything like jeans bondage? What did you think?

 

As I mentioned, this post was sponsored, meaning that I was paid to write it. All writing and opinions are my own, except where I’m quoting or paraphrasing the reader who inspired this post, naturally.

12 Days of Girly Juice 2019: 12 Femme Essentials

Hello! Today kicks off 12 Days of Girly Juice, my annual year-end wrap-up series where I highlight everything that captured my attention most all year, from songs to events to sex sessions. The first instalment of the series is always about my 12 favorite fashion and beauty items of the year – so here we go!

Keith Haring limited-edition Coach Rogue bag

This was one of my anniversary presents from my partner Matt last year; I had tweeted about it many months earlier and I guess they made a note of that! The entire collaboration collection between Coach and Keith Haring was very up my alley – lots of pinks and blues, graphical hearts, and sequins – but this piece, in particular, really called to me. “You needed to own it,” Matt told me later.

This bag is made of ultra-supple blue leather, and is roomy enough for the books and journals I like to cart around with me (though tragically, not my laptop). It has a paler blue heart on the outside, made of – get this – leather sequins. The entire thing is so thoughtfully constructed, and it’s one of the most unique pieces I own. I look forward to carrying it for many years to come!

Velvet

This year I examined the possibility that I might have a mild velvet fetish – based on the fact that whenever I went shopping, I was unavoidably drawn to velvet items, and often felt quite sexy wearing them or even just touching them. Later I was invited to submit a story to an erotica anthology on the topic of queer women’s fashion, and what I ended up writing was an XXXplicit XXXploration of velvet fetishism. By the end of that writing process, I was like, “Yup. Probably into velvet.”

Some of my fave velvet items this year were the simplest: a couple of Christmasy A-line dresses in red and green, a pink slip dress with lacy edges, a deep V-neck crop top in rich raspberry. I think my all-time favorite velvet item, though, is a purple blazer I thrifted in high school, which has since been lost to time. One day I’ll find another one!

The Ordinary skincare

I’ve always liked simple skincare products the best. CeraVe and Cetaphil are my jam, with an occasional Lush product thrown in there. So I don’t know why it took me so long to get around to trying stuff from The Ordinary, which is known for its super stripped-down products, but I’m glad I finally did.

With the addition of their glycolic acid toner, squalane, rose hip seed oil, “Buffet” serum, and salicylic acid masque to my routine, my skin looks better than it has in a whiiiile. Yay!

Pink cardigan

At some point this year I misplaced my favorite old hot pink cardigan from H&M, and it immediately became obvious how central this garment was to my personal style. So, with my partner’s adorable encouragement, I replaced it with a basic one from Amazon and it’s remained a cornerstone of my look.

Kate Spade Holiday Lane Page bag

I bought this structured black leather tote to be my new go-to carry-on bag when I travel, because my old one was falling apart, and so far it has served me very well. It’s roomy enough for all the shit I tend to take with me on planes – laptop, journal, Kindle, gum, wallet, headphones, meds, Kleenex, lipstick, passport, an occasional silly neck pillow – and it also looks sleek and professional and Businesslady Chic.

People sometimes ask me for travel tips, since I do a lot more of it now, being in a long-distance relationship – and one of the best I can offer is this: establish travel routines that you find comfortingly familiar. I always take the same route to the airport, always wear some variation of the same outfit, always prepare and pack in the exact same way. Having a reliably good carry-on bag is an important part of that routine for me – it contains everything I need to get me through the anxiety-provoking process that is travel. It’s not just a purse, it’s a lifeline!

Lickability T-shirt

This is a weird thing to include, because it’s not girly or fancy or remarkable, but: my partner gifted me a T-shirt bearing the logo of their company, and I wear it a lot. It feels like the grown-up, millennial equivalent of sporting your partner’s letterman jacket (or, um, leatherenby jacket) – it’s a reminder that I’m loved. It’s also very fucking soft, and goes with everything. Score.

NARS Radiant Creamy Concealer

Y’know, sometimes you gotta shout out the unsung heroes. I’ve been using this concealer all year to cover an unidentified red spot that’s sprung up between my eyebrows (is it psoriasis? Is it sebhorreic dermatitis? It’s one thing for sure: resistant to my medicated creams for both of those conditions, ugh!!). The vanilla shade, which I use, also has a slight yellowish hue which – on my skin tone – works well for concealing purplish under-eye circles. The formula is creamy enough that it doesn’t get crusty and gross-looking like so many other concealers do, and it stays put pretty well, especially under powder. I’ve pretty much stopped wearing foundation, but concealer is a must-have for helping me feel cute, which is (for me) basically the point of wearing makeup.

L’Oreal lipstick in “Devil’s Matte-vocate Red”

This one was a real sleeper hit for me… My mom brought this lipstick back for me on a whim after a New York jaunt, and I wasn’t expecting to love it, but I do! It’s a rich shade of ruby red that just works. It stays on longer and more evenly than lots of more expensive reds I’ve worn, and I feel cute as heck in it.

Sugarpill lipstick in “Girl Crush”

I’ve previously written about the liquid version of this lipstick, but the standard version has been a major fave this year. It’s one of the best cool-toned hot pinks I’ve ever found, along with previous faves, NARS Schiap and Bourjois Pink Pong. Plus the packaging is legendarily cute and the formula is decently long-lasting without being drying. Sugarpill really knows their shit.

High-waisted jeans

I used to think this style was unflattering on pear-shaped people like me. That might be true – I don’t really know – but I’ve reached a point where I don’t give a shit. I have a pair of high-waisted jeans from Madewell and one from the Gap, and I feel super cute, curvy, and babely in them. When I tuck a shirt into them, I feel more put-together than I usually do in jeans, which helps them feel more in line with my polished femme aesthetic (I’ve previously had trouble wearing jeans because they made me feel sloppy and boyish, which is… not my gender). All hail good, flattering denim!

Black and silver dress

I forget when I even bought this slinky dress from H&M, but it’s very much a fave. I’ve worn it to dinners, drinks, shows, and even a wedding. It feels sexy and fancy, but is also incredibly comfortable (an important consideration for someone with chronic pain and depression!). I can throw it on over a black lacy bralette and a pair of tights and I look like I put serious consideration into my outfit. Ideal.

Cute phone cases

It’s 2019, so your phone case is more a part of your outfit than ever before. In an age of mirror selfies, this shit matters! I had a super sparkly rhinestoned one from BlingsSupplyShop earlier in the year, and then got tired of leaving a trail of rhinestones in my wake everywhere I went, so I switched to a “Sick Sad Girl” case from LookHuman (it’s a Daria reference). It gets compliments nonstop and makes me happy, which is all you can really ask for.

 

Those were my fashion and beauty faves this year! What were yours?

Monthly Faves: Sharp Objects & Cozy Beds

This was one of my most sexually active months ever (on record, anyway, i.e. since starting a sex spreadsheet). Here are some of the odd adventures I had in August!

Sex toys

• My Sir brought me some Ananda CBD lube from the Museum of Sex and we tried it out for some fingering and oral stuff. I’m honestly not sure I experienced the purported effects of the cannabinoids, but the peppermint and black pepper extracts certainly kicked my sensitivity up a notch and resulted in some intense orgasms.

• I’ve long had an interest in knife play, and had only tried it with one partner before this month, when my Sir decided they were interested in giving it a shot. We did a cool fear-play scene involving one giant chef’s knife and one less-giant butter knife. Apparently I made noises I’ve never made before…

• While we’re talking about scary sharp things… My ever-adventurous Sir picked up a pair of vampire gloves, which have been on their wishlist for a while, and we tried them out for impact play and general sensory play. They freaked me out a lot and looked very hot!

Fantasy fodder

• So, for whatever reason, I often have to fantasize while receiving oral sex if I’m gonna get off from it, even though I really like it – and one of my most common fantasies along those lines this month was that I’m a spoiled queen/princess/duchess whose royal servants know she must be orally serviced to perfection on a daily basis or she’ll make their lives hell. This is admittedly an odd fantasy for a submissive person to have, but you know, the sex-brain wants what it wants. (When my Sir read this part of this post draft aloud to me, instead of getting mad that I fantasize while having sex with them, like some people would, they just said, “That’s hot.” I love them.)

• Another fave cunnilingus-accompanying fantasy this month was that my partner is an orally gifted sex worker who comes well-recommended by other, similarly discerning women. Honestly, if I was single and ever met a sex worker as babely and skilled as my partner, I would keep them on speed-dial.

• At one point this month we did an experiment where I wrote a blog post while my partner was going down on me in an attempt to distract me. (This was one of Bex‘s many genius ideas – thanks, Bex.) It resulted in a forthcoming post that I think you’ll find interesting…

Sexcetera

• The coolest sex-related event I attended this month was a TES workshop on the intersections between sadomasochism and hypnokink, taught by Mr. Dream and Pinky. There was a good balance of useful information and entertaining demos. I held Matt’s hand for a lot of it; it was nice to learn about intense hypno shit while sitting next to the person with whom I most enjoy doing intense hypno shit.

• My newsletter, Sub Missives, is still going strong. Some fave issues this month included the ones about knife play, romantic tattoos, and chronic pain.

• Are you subscribed to Question Box yet?! The episode guest-starring Merritt K might be my favorite so far. Also, while I’m repping my podcasts, you should know that The Dildorks is on Spotify now!

• Sextistics: I had in-person sex 31 times in August (wow!!) and phone sex 15 times, totaling 46 sex sessions. Truly silly.

Femme stuff

• Matt took me on a jeans-shopping mission and I picked up some mid-rise skinnies from Madewell. I have a weird relationship with jeans – they’ve historically made me feel somewhat shitty in my body and my gender, and yet I keep buying them and trying to like them nonetheless – but these look and feel lovely, so I’m optimistic that they’ll actually get worn on a regular basis.

• I admired on Matt – and then later borrowed from thema super soft, plain white T-shirt that says, simply, “I’m bisexual.” It might be the ideal item of clothing?

• I got annoyed with my hair and chopped several inches off it. A fantastic thing about having my particular type of curly hair is being able to do this without it ending up looking highly uneven.

Media

• I’ve been slowly working through the mega-sized novel that is Special Topics in Calamity Physics. It’s smart and charming and all-too-frequently relatable to me as a former precocious high-schooler. Marisha Pessl writes some damn beautiful sentences.

• I’ve been extolling the book Because Internet in every medium lately, so might as well do it here, too… It’s a dorkily detailed dissection of internet-era language trends and the factors that influence them. A must-read for anyone who writes or reads online.

• The new June EP from singer/songwriter Jeremy Larson’s project Violents is a cute set of 4 songs about his adopted daughter Nova. (Follow @ElsieLarson and @ViolentsMusic on Instagram right now for daily doses of Nova cuteness, plus her baby sister Marigold. I DIE.) I first fell in love with Jeremy’s music 9 years ago when he released an EP about his wife Elsie; dude sure knows how to write a love-filled bop.

Little things

Working from bed. Going to see the new Tarantino movie with Dan (and solo food-court dates before movies). Late-night outings to Bar Isabel. Writing an assignment about domestic skills I want to learn so I can be a good 1950s housewife. Inheriting some cool stuff from my grandparents (notably: cookware and a golden deck of cards). “Queen Nora is not a scammer!” Coming out as demisexual (thank you, I love you). Finally getting to introduce Matt to some of my favorite men (Eric, Brent, and Dick!). Crafting a column about incels for Herizons. Going out to celebrate my book deal (of which more soon). Taking lewds in fancy restaurant bathrooms. My Twitter followers sharing their romantic memories with me. Sir teaching me how to make a Southside cocktail. Working out of the Lickability office for a day (and joining the staff for game night!). My jobs, and how flexible and nomadic they allow me to be. Still being loved even if I have a panic attack in a taxi and throw up in a fancy restaurant (YIKES). Matt impromptu-ly and romantically offering to extend my New York trip. Watching the sun rise through the big windows in Newark airport. Getting back to Toronto after time away.

Pigtails and the Patriarchy: Where Sex Meets Style

What does it mean to “get dressed up for sex”?

This question hits me right at the intersection of my sex-nerdiness and my femme proclivities. It fascinates me. Because, as with so many things sex-related, the answer is different for everyone. What makes me feel slinky and seductive might make you feel clunky and ugly, and vice versa. You have to wear what makes you feel sexy – and that information can’t be found in any fashion magazine or advice column. It has to come from within yourself.

Sex and presentation are inextricably linked for many people – sometimes in insidious and not-altogether-healthy ways. Where is the line between celebrities being photoshopped to look like realistic sex dolls in magazines because the patriarchy demands it, and a kinkster consensually pursuing that look as part of a “bimbofication” fantasy? Where is the line between shaving your legs because you feel shamed into it, and doing it because having smooth legs turns you on? Where is the line between hobbling around in high heels because it’s “the proper thing to do,” and slipping into those pumps because the way they change your posture makes you feel like a subby minx?

As with most things kinky, the line between right and wrong here is simply consent, agency, and desire. If you’ve got those things, you’re good. Fly free and do you.

Of course, there are those who are quick to point out that our own tastes and desires are influenced by society, and that this makes our choices less “free,” in a sense. True, smooth-shaved armpits and impeccable eyeliner probably wouldn’t make me feel drop-dead gorgeous if not for patriarchal society and its many enforcers. But the patriarchy is so draining, such a source of despair for so many, that I say we might as well take our little joys from it where we can. There is a silver lining to almost everything, no matter how small, and it sucks that the cloud exists, but I’m gonna cling to that silver lining, dammit.

It used to vex me that I craved knowing partners’ aesthetic preferences. Were they more into butts or boobs? Did they like faceplanting in a smooth vulva or a full bush? Did they prefer me in strappy sandals or stompy boots? It bothered me that I cared so much, until I realized it was a kink thing for me. I’ve learned through trial and error that what I really need is a partner who doesn’t require me to adhere to their standards – because of course, “requiring” that type of thing from anyone is, at best, shitty, and at worst, abuse – but who will nonetheless tell me their preferences when asked. I like surprising partners by showing up looking the way they like me best, especially if I’m submissive to them in our dynamic. It’s a form of service, and I feel super smart and accomplished when I get it right.

It’s worth noting, too, that this is often a two-way street in balanced relationships. It delights me when partners take note of which presentation choices make me swoon – rolled-up sleeves, subtle cologne, shirts that bring out the color of their eyes – and show up to our dates having optimized their ensemble to woo me. My current boyfriend knows oral sex feels better for me when his face is smooth, and I’ll never forget the delicious anticipation I felt lounging in a hotel bed once while he shaved his face in the bathroom. I knew good things were coming.

Clothing, makeup, hairstyling, and perfume can all help me access certain headspaces that are useful for kink. Pigtails, pink lipstick, short skirts, and thigh-high socks are often my go-to when I want to feel submissive; they bring out my inner slutty schoolgirl. When I want to feel more dominant, I’ll often wear leather boots and a decisive, dark-colored outfit that lends me some strength. These cues remind my body and mind of what I’m about to do, and help me feel sexier while I’m doing it.

In a world which tells us all – especially women and femmes – that we have to look a certain way in order to be desirable and thus valuable, it’s refreshing to make aesthetic choices consciously, rather than feeling forced into them. Whether I’m rebelling against patriarchal expectations or deliberately playing into them, I feel strong and sexy knowing the choice was mine.

And then there are times when I abandon aesthetic trappings altogether, good sex having rendered me a sweaty, naked, makeupless heap. Those times are lovely, too.

Bonus: if you’re interested in figuring out which aesthetics make you feel sexiest, here are some questions you can ponder and/or journal about!

  1. Which celebrities, fictional characters, and people from your real life have an aesthetic you admire? What do you like about it?
  2. What types of clothing, makeup, hair, etc. show up a lot in your favorite erotic media (porn, erotica, fanfiction, whatever you’re into)? Do you find those choices sexy? Why or why not?
  3. What do you wear and what do you look like in your sexual fantasies? Would you want to dress/look that way in real life?
  4. What aesthetic elements are commonly associated with your sexuality and/or kinks (e.g. leather, pigtails, tight pants, high heels)? Do you identify with those elements, or not? Why?
  5. What clothing and other aesthetic elements make you feel really sexy when you’re by yourself? Why?
  6. What clothing and other aesthetic elements make you feel really sexy when you’re with a partner? Why?
  7. What kinds of things do you typically wear when you go on an exciting date? Why?
  8. In the past, have partners asked or told you to wear certain things or style yourself in certain ways for them? How did you feel about that?
  9. Which parts of your aesthetic are you okay with your partners having some influence over, and which do you want to be your decision alone? (It’s completely okay if you want to make all your own aesthetic decisions, even if you’re submissive!)
  10. If you could encapsulate your ideal “sex aesthetic” in 5 words, what would those words be? (I think mine would be: feminine, playful, retro, glamorous, and comfortable!)

 

Thank you to OVDolls for sponsoring this post! As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Links & Hijinks: Boners, Biting, & Rolled-Up Sleeves

• Hey. You can find meaning without monogamy. “People will accept or reject you for reasons that have nothing to do with you at all,” writes Alana Hope Levinson. “I know that sounds depressing, but it can also be liberating.”

• It’s okay if you don’t like making out! You just have to find partners who feel similarly, or are willing to compromise on this issue.

• This post is from 2013 but I only just discovered it: Sinclair Sexsmith shared tons of helpful info about biting during sex.

• Here’s the only article about Rachel Dolezal worth reading.

• My friend Caitlin wrote about her experiences with mindful masturbation and made me want to do some too!

Why do some people fake their orgasms?

• “A woman’s orgasm shouldn’t be the goal of sex,” argues Jessica Schreindl, because defining orgasm as a goal makes sex into a high-pressure, patriarchal performance for everyone involved. I agree that orgasm shouldn’t be demanded or pushed for, if the person or people involved don’t want to have one – but for me personally, orgasm is an important part of sex and I very much appreciate partners who’ll give me one when I want one!

• This article about piss play is beautifully written. I adore Katie Sly’s work!

• “I want you to consider the possibility that the more chill you seem to guys, the less likely you are to find a guy who loves you for exactly who you are right now,” suggests Heather Havrilesky in an Ask Polly column that tugged at my utterly un-chill heartstrings.

• You can help relieve a partner’s PMS symptoms by talking to them and being supportive.

• Here’s the always-charming John McDermott talking about why dating-related slang like “ghosting” and “cushioning” normalizes bad behavior. I’m not sure how I feel about his argument – I think it’s useful to name behaviors like this so we can identify them, call people out on them, and explain why they’re unacceptable – but it’s nonetheless an interesting thought experiment in how language shapes our actions.

• Katie Tandy wrote a stunning piece about using kink to heal from trauma and it made me cry a whole bunch.

• The ever-clever Alana Massey on One Direction, non-toxic masculinity, and why teen girls love boy bands as deeply as they do. “When you’re part of a fandom, you’re never really alone if you don’t want to be,” she writes, reminding me of so so so many life-affirming experiences I have had in the throes of various obsessions with bands, movies, TV shows, musicals, books, and actors.

Should boners be frowned on at nudist colonies?

• Yo, Planned Parenthood isn’t just for women. I am tired of the anti-feminist rhetoric which says any effort that only benefits women isn’t worth undertaking (women are people! women are valuable! women are a huge percentage of the population!) but it is nonetheless worth noting that Planned Parenthood helps a broad range of people.

• There are still people using Craigslist to find sexual partners, apparently.

Forearms are hot and therefore rolled-up sleeves are hot. (I have been saying this for years!)

• My friend Tynan wrote about how sex doesn’t have to be a priority in your relationship, so long as your priorities line up with your partner’s.

• Fuck “stealthing.” WHY ARE (some) MEN LIKE THIS??

Science misunderstands female desire and this contributes to our cultural idea that women are less libidinous than men. The truth is much more complicated! (In summation: “Women like having sex. They don’t like being socially punished for it.”)

• Suzannah Weiss went to a nudist resort and it helped her learn better boundary-setting skills. Amaze!

• Consensual non-monogamy has its own unique benefits that you can’t get to the same degree from monogamous relationships. Interesting!

• Here’s why some straight men have sex with other straight men.

• Alana Massey wrote about consumerism as a coping mechanism in the era of Trump. Yikes.

• “I’m sitting covered in cum on Christmas Eve in my mom’s basement with a wire hanging out of my ass; I’m a pervert.” Gotta love a good story of masturbation gone awry.

• I love writing that combines sex, gender, and fashion! Here’s a piece on the iconic imagery of a woman wearing a man’s dress shirt after sex.

• Here’s a primer on tentacle porn, incase you were wondering.

The history of artificial insemination is a long and storied one.

• Why do men like to have sex with the lights on? Gosh, I have such a crush on John McDermott: “I’ve done it in all grades of lighting… Blazing morning sun, a pitch-black cave, beneath the soft glow of a streetlamp…” (Incidentally, one time I was making out pre-sex with a Tinder hookup while my bedroom’s overhead light was on, and he said, “Is there a lamp you could turn on instead? It feels like a hospital in here.” Thanks, pal.)

Can a robot be a pickup artist?

• Gala wrote about why her divorce was a blessing. I’ve never been married but this reminded me lots of the final ~4 months of my last serious relationship: the crushing certainty that I needed to end things, but the absolute terror every time I contemplated doing so. In retrospect, I wish I’d bucked up and done it earlier!

• Let’s replace the dick pic with the dick code. (There’s also a vulva code. Here’s mine.)