Psst. Come closer. Let me let you in on a secret.
There is no such thing as a “couples’ toy.”
Or rather… there is no such thing as a toy that is only for couples. On the flipside of that, there’s really no toy you can’t use in a coupled situation – even if your partner’s only involvement is coolly watching you from a chair across the room.
I think a lot of this “solo vs. couples’ toys” debate is borne from stigma. I’m largely insulated from this in my own life, since I mostly date and fuck people who already know I’m an Internet Sex Person and thus assume – reasonably and accurately so – that sex with me will involve toys. But for many people, bringing sex toys to the figurative table isn’t just unexpected – it’s actively shamed and frowned upon. I frequently hear from women who want to use a vibrator during sex but are worried about how their boyfriend will feel, men who keep their Fleshlight a secret lest their girlfriend freak out at the sight of it, and so on. It’s quite a sad state of affairs!
What I wish I could tell these people – and usually do – is this: a sex toy is just a tool. It’s not a stand-in for a human, and even if it were, it wouldn’t be a very good one! Just as you might make your partner come with your hands or your mouth or your genitals, you can also potentially make them come with a sex toy. That doesn’t make those orgasms less real, or your role in them any less legitimate. It just makes you an open-minded, considerate lover who cares about your partner’s pleasure.
And it can be so much fun! I’ve had many a partner pound me with the Njoy Pure Wand until I screamed, squirted, or both. It’s a perfect example of a fun toy to use with a partner, because it feels significantly different from anything factory-installed on human bodies (I mean, unless your dick is made of stainless steel, in which case, kudos) and it works best when used to target the G-spot with consistent precision – something I’m not always capable of, myself, when I’m in the throes, but that a focused partner can do without much trouble.
Likewise, though the Magic Wand is often considered a solo toy because it’s supposedly too intimidatingly bulky to use with a partner, it’s actually one of my favorite toys to use during sex. Its broad head is easy for a partner to press against my bits even if they don’t know the exact right spot on my clit to aim for, and because I’ve used it so often during masturbation, my body is used to responding to its specific frequencies, making it easier for me to get off with partners. I’ve done too many fabulous forced-orgasm scenes to ever believe again that wand vibes are only for solo use!
One of the most contentious toys for couples to use together is a realistic dildo – any dildo, really, but particularly ones that look like dicks. I’ve known men who were threatened by them, and women who found them upsetting, for example. While it’s obviously fine to exclude a toy from your play if you dislike it, I think a lot of people don’t realize just how much pleasure you can get from fucking your partner (or being fucked) with a silicone dick. As I said, it’s just a tool for giving penetrative pleasure, so it doesn’t make any kind of statement about your cock (or lack thereof). A cis male partner of mine used to fuck me with a strap-on dildo that was smaller than his own cock, just to mix things up from time to time. I found it amazing – and still do, frankly – that a boy in his early twenties could already be so sexually enlightened!
There are people – myself sometimes included – who actually can’t get off during partnered sex without the help of toys. This doesn’t mean they’re broken or weird; it might just be how their brain or anatomy is wired. Frankly I think it’s sad that some people would rather cling to their precarious pride than help a partner experience pleasure. While it might be an adjustment if your new sweetheart needs a vibe, butt plug, specific lube, etc. to get their rocks off, it’s really not that unusual, and I promise you will have better sex if you can learn to be supportive rather than scared!
Which toys are your favorites to use with partners?
This post was sponsored by the lovely folks at Betty’s Toy Box! As always, all writing and opinions are my own.