John Mulaney

Monthly Faves: Creeps, Couture, & California

Kate Sloan

This month was a wacky one: I traveled too much, worked too much, and had too much sex (okay, actually, maybe not enough). Here are some January highlights…

Sex toys

• I was so excited when I saw that We-Vibe has launched a new wand vibe, and when they offered me one to review. It does not disappoint: it’s waterproof and rechargeable, the vibrations are rumbly and strong, and you can use standard-sized wand attachments with it but it’s more ergonomic and sleek than your average wand. There are some problems with the controls scheme on mine (I’ll say more about that when I do a full review), but overall I’m quite pleased with this toy. Thanks, We-Vibe!

• Another We-Vibe thing: they sent me their new Chorus vibe in a vibrant, glittery pink (eee!) and my partner controlled it via the We-Connect app during a phone sex session. I’m very impressed with the motor, and with the way this toy stays connected to the app way more consistently than previous iterations. My partner still finds that the app is too buggy and imprecise for their style of dominance; hopefully We-Vibe will update it and smooth things out.

• I revisited the Zumio S this month after chatting with a Zumio employee at ANME and thinking, “Huh, I haven’t used that thing in a while.” The slightly wider tip really does help to diffuse this toy’s intense oscillations so they’re more tolerable for folks with sensitive clits like moi. Orgasms with this toy are always zanily intense!

Fantasy fodder

• I’ve dug into season 2 of Netflix’s You, a quirky dramedy about a pathological stalker and murderer who’s also a mega-romantic. It has been described as “Dawson’s Creek meets Dexter” and that’s pretty spot-on. There are a few sex scenes in this show, but my favorite and most-fantasized-about one will always be the first one with Beck from season 1, where (spoiler alert) our deranged hero Joe finally gets to bang the girl he’s been crushing on, and… comes, instantly. (As we’ve discussed, I definitely have a premature ejaculation kink!) That sense of desperation, of “I’m so lucky to be here” and “I can’t believe this is really happening,” gives me alllll sorts of kink feelings about Joe – and it’s especially interesting juxtaposed with the way he also seems to want to be a dom and/or a vaguely daddy-esque figure to the women he dates.

• One of my frequent fantasies while receiving oral sex lately has been about a sexual dystopia where clitoral suction – as opposed to a more licking-centric style of cunnilingus – is so stigmatized that you have to seek it out in secret from skilled underground practitioners. Why is my brain like this? I don’t know.

Sexcetera

• The deadline for my book was on the 17th, and I managed to get my draft submitted 2 days early! I’m still acclimatizing myself to having so much extra time and brain-space after working so hard on this project for months upon months… It’s supposed to come out in March 2021, so sit tight!

• It was lovely to be able to attend ANME Founders in Burbank this year – although admittedly, my body was not thrilled about the jet lag and long flights! In any case, I got to hang out with my best friend, see what’s new in the sex toy industry, and chat with some industry pals – all under the California sun. ☀️

• Sextistics: this month I had in-person sex 21 times and phone sex 9 times, totaling 30 sessions.

Fashion & beauty

• I was traveling for more than half of this month, so skincare became extra important to me – planes and stress turn my skin to garbage which, in turn, makes me feel like garbage! I’ve been enjoying Kate Somerville exfoliation products, and serums by The Ordinary.

• Been kinda obsessed with designer shoes lately. First there was the royal blue Loubs. Then there was the sky blue Manolos. Then there was the simple, pointy black Cole Haans. I think that’s all I need for now, but staring at fancy shoes online sure calms me down when I feel overwrought.

• In December, I cut my hair short! I love it. Products by DevaCurl have become must-haves for me now. Scrunch, scrunch, scrunch!

Media

• Did you know John Mulaney made a kids’ special called John Mulaney & the Sack Lunch Bunch? I expected it to be fairly silly, and it is, but it’s also stuck with me a lot since I watched it. Jake Gyllenhaal’s guest appearance as an unhinged music teacher is a highlight – but I gotta say, my favorite song in the show is definitely “I Saw A White Lady Standing On The Street Just Sobbing (And I Think About It Once A Week).”

• If you’re not listening to You’re Wrong About yet, you are MISSING OUT. I’m usually not much for podcasts that discuss historical or news events in painstaking detail, but this one is exceptional, not least because the two hosts are some of the most empathetic, thoughtful humans ever to sit in front of a microphone. Their current multi-part series on the O.J. Simpson trial is magnificent.

• Andy Shauf’s new album The Neon Skyline is the fictional, musicalized story of one drunken, heartbroken night at a Toronto dive bar. As with everything Andy writes, it’s lovely and occasionally devastating.

Little things

Ringing in the new year with kisses and eggnog in New Jersey. Being overdressed for Starbucks. Obliging doormen. Matt reading my book chapters aloud to me every night during the writing process. A big night out for family-style Italian food and Hamilton. Dirty gin martinis. Getting ridiculously dressed up for a very fancy party. Matt taking my heels off me and putting my flats on me in the lobby of a luxury hotel. Lovably persnickety bartenders. Getting to write about Tegan and Sara for Herizons mag (it’ll be in the next issue, I think). Surprising Matt with tickets to Little Shop for their birthday (it greatly surpassed my already-high expectations). John from Uberlube announcing “Who wants lube?!” and handing out bottles of the stuff. Strategizing over fast food lunches. Bex domming me back to our hotel room when I accidentally got way too high on California weed. Editing my book for 5 hours in the Burbank Marriott lobby, and then getting veggie pasta and Southsides while reading Oliver Sacks. Cashing big checks. Buying new glasses (much-needed). Jazz and cocktails at the Flatiron Room. Watching Jacqueline Novak rant about blowjobs for an hour. Meeting cool people from Twitter for good drinks and good conversation. A sweet needlepoint gift from Eric. Complimenting hospitality staff on being excellent at their jobs. Incredible seafood platters. Belgian waffles at Café Landwer. Rhea Butcher saying they bought “women’s vitamins” because no one makes non-binary vitamins yet. Getting the “couples’ seat” at the Bad Dog Theatre and laughing so hard my glasses fog up. One of our favorite bartenders announcing “Bubbles!!” and bringing us champagne. Watching Jeremy & Elsie Larson’s daughters grow up. Penn Badgley’s feminism. Microwaveable heating pads. Reliable vibrators. Long-term love.

Monthly Faves: Delirium, Dominance, & a Dragon Tail

Kate Sloan

I had an active, mostly-happy month, sexually and otherwise! Here are some highlights from June…

Sex toys

• Late last year at a sex-industry tradeshow, I picked up a black leather bat from Viktoria Creations. I’d barely used it at all until this month, when my partner specified one night during phone sex that he wanted to hit me with “something thuddy” and a lightbulb illuminated over my head. This baton is made of leather wrapped around a firm core and Viktoria describes it as “the ultimate thud” that “will bruise any butt” (uh, can confirm). If you like your impact sensations to be all thud and no sting, you’d adore this one!

• I’ve wanted to own a Wartenberg wheel for a long time, but never quite enough to justify actually buying one. But then I spotted a rainbow one at an Aslan Leather sale and knew immediately that it was destined to be mine. This type of toy pairs really well with bondage and sensory deprivation!

• Tantus sent me their new impact toy, the Dragon Tail. (I love when companies know me well enough to be like, “We made a super painful hitty thing; YOU WANT IT, RIGHT?!”) One end is mega-stingy and the other end is much thuddier. It’s a versatile little workhorse of an implement!

Fantasy fodder

• Forever fantasizing about being a schoolgirl who’s seducing, or seduced by, a teacher. My Sir and I did a phone-sex scene along these lines this month (not uncommon for us) and I was struck by the fact that we each seemed to have a different idea about how old I was in the scene and it didn’t actually affect the proceedings that much. (I felt like I was about 12 and he seemed to be addressing me like a university student. Ah well, actual 12-year-old me was a pretty precocious know-it-all, anyway.) He also made me burst into tears during the scene by telling his diligent student, “Your writing in my class is fantastic. Maybe you’ll write a book someday.” Gotta love how good doms can simultaneously turn you on and encourage you in your ambitions…!

• This month my Sir made me come with his mouth for the first time – always an important relationship milestone for me and my dainty clit, and one that the vast majority of my partners haven’t even achieved. It’s only possible with an alchemical combination of stamina, enthusiasm, trust, and knowledge of my body – all qualities I find super hot, so I’ve been thinking about it a ton since then.

• A highlight of my sex life this month was pegging my Sir with my pink Aslan Leather harness and pink sparkly Godemiche Ambit. I keep thinking about how hot it was that he came so easily and quickly once I was inside him, like the intensity of it surprised him. I was surprised, too, by how much I liked it.

Sexcetera

• Some of my work elsewhere this month: I was interviewed on Newstalk 1010 about government-funded feminist porn. I wrote about female submission and rope suspension for the Andrew Blake blog. I listed some gender-neutral oral sex tips over at the Ignite blog. I explained how to write a good first online-dating message and what to ask on a first date for RateDesi. On our podcast, Bex and I discussed coming out and interviewed DJ Pynchon about hypnokink, Pup Amp and Pup Dane about puppy play, and Sinclair Sexsmith about protocol and punishment.

• This month I was the demo bottom for my friend Taylor‘s Introduction to Impact Play workshop at Kink Toronto. I always enjoy getting slapped around for educational purposes!

• Delighted to have been asked back to Bed Post again. This month I was the resident sexpert at both performances of the show, answering audience questions about all kinds of kinky proclivities, from DD/lg to fisting to bondage. Yay, fun!

Femme stuff

• Summer is the season for slutty rompers. I need to buy several more, methinks.

• I enjoy Rachel Syme’s suggestion of using particular perfumes as your “bath scent.” As she points out, you have to do this with fragrances you’re not that into (or that weren’t expensive at all) because it requires using large quantities of the stuff so you don’t wanna waste something actually nice, unless you’re some Richie Rich motherfucker. I have this ancient bottle of a pale blue cologne called “Pyramid” which is a cheap-ass knockoff of Armani Code, and that’s been my favorite “bath scent” lately. I spritz about 10 sprays into the faucet stream and then I get to feel as though a hot young businessman has joined me in the tub.

• All hail my new yellow clogs from Lotta From Stockholm. I like how adorable they look juxtaposed with my pink thigh tattoos, and also I like how they draw the eyes of partners who have a foot kink…

Media

• I was craving young-adult dystopian novels this month, so I did some Googling and eventually discovered Lauren Oliver’s Delirium trilogy. It’s set in a world where love is understood to be a disease, and where people are forcibly surgically “cured” of the capacity for love when they come of age. Pretty scary stuff, and definitely thought-provoking if you’re a relationships psychology nerd like me.

• The ever-charming John Mulaney’s latest comedy special, Kid Gorgeous, is a fucking triumph. I watched it once with my mom and once over the phone with my Sir and adored it both times. Mulaney’s one of my favorite storytellers. His bit about how Trump’s presidency is like a horse getting loose in a hospital is frighteningly apt.

• My current fave song is “Saw You in a Dream” by the Japanese House. This band’s dreamy, androgynous vibes feel perfect for mellow summer days.

Little things

Drinking whiskey on the rocks in the front row of improv shows. Sir helping me with tax forms. Craft beers with my rope bondage beau. Nanaimo bars. Doing karaoke with rad people at Dan‘s birthday party. Exercising my democratic right. Sir buying me a fan because my room is way too warm (what a prince). Pre-show solo dinners at Soulpepper. The totally brilliant Gregory Prest. Having a full plate of copywriting clients. Margaritas at any opportunity. Sir sending me flowers for our six-monthiversary. Hanging out with my bruddy. Brent reading me hilarious things over the phone. Mr. Accident, a “good-bad movie” if there ever was one. Sex puns (always). Sir copyediting me on Twitter. Making him his own tag on my blog, at his request. Touching thighs under the table. Drinking rosé in a grassy back yard at sunset. Henry nerding out over Mozart and vintage pianos. Negronis (in Negroni season, no less). Afternoon co-working/phone-sex dates with my love. Bar bathroom selfies. How much I love love love working from home, even on days when I’d rather not be working at all.